“Jesse said you'd be down here.” I said taking a seat next to Liz at the bar, she was drinking something with fruit on top of the cup.
“Johann made it out,” she said without looking up “he's headed over here now.”
“I'm glad to hear that.” I said
“We're leaving Connor,” she said looking at me for the first time in hours. “Johann and I are taking JoAnne to New York, we're leaving soon.”
“It doesn't sound like you're asking me to come with you.” I said
“You wouldn't” she said taking a deep breath, “You'll never be able to walk away, I realize that now.”
“Liz, I want to-” I said, she held up a hand to stop me.
“Let me talk for a minute,” she said “I understand why you have to do this, I do. The people need you, they need someone up there who looks as if he has the answers and will lead them to victory. I know better, but they don't and maybe they don't need to.
Connor, I hope to god you can do this. I really do, and I’ll pray for you every night, asking god to keep watching over you. But I can't do it, I’m not strong enough to watch you charge into battle anymore. I don’t have what it takes to kill people, even if they deserve it.
Everyone around you is going to die, all of them. I know that I can't make Jesse leave, he loves you too much to let you do this alone. But pretty soon Connor, they'll take him too. They'll slit his throat just to get at you. Maybe you'll be able to make a speech about it and fill everyone with enough bullshit to get through the next day, but I’ll know the difference. I'll always know the difference and it'll eat away at my soul for as long as I live.
“Goodbye Connor,” She said as she stood up.
“Liz,” I said “I’ll always love you.”
“I'm sorry, Connor. I just can't talk to you right now.”
I sat there at the bar, not drinking feeling as if my heart had been ripped out. That horrible suffocating feeling that you get when you just want to die. I had known this was coming, but no matter how hard I tried to prepare for it her words tore through me like a blade. She was right, we both knew it.
“You look like a man who's just lost everything.”
“That's what it feels like,” I said turning to see Johann standing there. “She said you guys are leaving.”
“We are,” he said “there's nothing left here for me.”
“Pretty soon, there will be nothing left for any of us.”
“And that's why we have you.” He said sitting down in the stool Liz had been in, waving at the bartender. “Two scotches, the older the better.”
“I don't feel like drinking.” I said
“Well you're going to.” he replied, “let this old man buy you a drink before he skips town.”
“I don't want to let go of the pain,” I said accepting the drink, “because when I do, that means I have to start accepting that she's gone.”
“You have a remarkable ability.” Johann told me, “a few of them really. Abilities like yours are not just things that god hands out wantonly, he chooses carefully who he allows these gifts. In fact, I would say you are the precipice of my life's work. Every surgery I’ve ever performed was in some way preparing me to help save your life that day you were brought to us.”
“How many people did I get killed today?” I asked
“None,” he said firmly “they chose death over a life under a Tyrant's fist. They fought hard so that some day we could go back and rebuild that little village by the lake.”
“What about Jeanine?”
“She was my closest friend,” he said wiping away a single tear. “She lived a long happy life full of love. She died close to Burt and Thomas and they'll be waiting for me to come back some day. You saved JoAnne and that is all that would have mattered to her. Now JoAnne can start her life, maybe even someday I’ll have the honor of walking her down the aisle when she and Jesse marry.”
“Liz said he isn't going with you guys,” I told Johann.
“No, of course not. I wouldn't expect him to.” he replied, “he's becoming a fine young man, he'll continue fighting to make sure that one day we have a home to go back to. I expect you to make sure he makes it that far.”
“I don't want to be responsible for his death or anyone elses.” I said falling deeper into my despair.
“Then don't be,” he said “It's a matter of perception, be responsible for the lives you've saved.”
“I wish it was that easy.”
“Nothing in life is easy, but the hardships make us cherish the memories more. I truly believe that some day you will be able to make those memories, just like the rest of us. Unfortunately, it seems that you are the only man on Earth who can ensure we keep the right to do so.”
“What's this?” I asked, as he handed me a cocktail napkin with names and phone numbers.
“For your prosthesis and surgery,” he said “it looks like they'll need to work on that hand, as well. If you'll forgive me, I need to go tend to JoAnne.”
“Wait, Johann. Just a moment longer.” I asked “ I know in my heart that this is what has to happen, but god it stings. Worse than any bullet ever has. She's right though, I can't give her the life that she deserves. One day she'll marry a good man, who will give her children and the happiness that you and Jeanine were lucky enough to have. But not with me, never with me. I'm always only a moment away from death. Every breath I take, it brings me closer to that stray bullet or lurking assassin. One day when he dies she'll be able to bury him, with a lifetime full of love and happy memories, all she could ever have with me is a lifetime full of the nightmares like today. I've got to let her go completely, so that I don’t continue dragging her down with me, there truly is no other way that she can be safe and happy. It hurts so bad having to acknowledge, that no matter what I do or how great our love is, we can never be together.”
“All things change with time General,” he said with a tear in his eye “Never forget that you might wake up one morning, ten years gone from here, and finally be at a place where you can fully give yourself to her, perhaps even forgive yourself. When that day comes, I trust that you won't let your fear get the better of you. You never do, never let go of that fearlessness for all of our sakes, Connor.”
“Of course, Doctor.”
“Try not to let the pain over ride your better judgment,” he said handing me a bottle of Percocet filled to the brim. “Without a doubt you'll need these, but please don't let them overcome you.”
With that he finally left, leaving me alone in the bar. Maybe a handful of people in uniform inside. I sat there another half hour, staring down at the counter ashamed of myself in a way I had never experienced. We had been successful, but it didn't feel like it. Even though we had won, I ended up losing everything.
“Bartender,” I called, not that it made a difference, the bar was almost empty.
“What can I get for you?” he asked
“I'll take the rest of the bottle.” I said handing him my room key, which also served as my tab.
“You sure you don't want an unopened one?”
“No,” I said as he handed me the bottle, still 3/4ths full. “This will do.”
Liz had requested a separate room, at a reasonable distance for me. The elevator man pretended not to look as I drank from the bottle on the way up. He looked like secret service, probably was, the entire building was being used by the government.
“I saw a pool about three fourths of the way up when we flew in.” I told him
“That would be the 47th floor sir.” He said, “Only yourself and a few others are being allowed access to it. Would you like to go there?”
“Yes, very much.” I said, as my thoughts drifted further and further away from me. I took out the bottle of pills and swallowed a couple. The guard gave me an odd look. “Would you like some?”
“No, sir.” he replied “I’m on du
ty.”
“Good man.” I said walking out as the elevator arrived at our destination.
The view was spectacular. Dusk had begun to creep across the city, stars flickering to life. The air was crisp, but not biting. I walked around the pool for a while before deciding I’d rather sit on the ledge over-looking the city. Of course there was a safety cage below which eliminated all fear of plummeting to one's death.
As I sat there, I experienced a kind of peace that one only finds after a long battle. It was not unlike the feeling the lake had given me when I had finally mustered the strength to get to it of my own accord. I could see the space needle in the distance, like a bulls-eye marking this beautiful city. Seattle, known for its innovative thinkers and the glum atmosphere. Such a dreary city would drive most crazy, but here it prodded its citizenry to think outside the box. Seattle boasted some of the finest philosophers and musicians our country had known over the last half century. They also established a tech stronghold, making it one of the more advanced cities on the west coast.
I sat contemplating what kind of death and catastrophe I would be responsible here. Death followed me wherever I went and this would not be any different.
Today I had made my friends pay the ultimate price. Willingly or not, they had not deserved this fate. I had new wraiths to haunt my dreams, they would be even more terrifying now. Every single one of those brave souls had some part in saving my life over the previous year. It is hard enough losing a fellow marine in combat, but losing people who had become family was excruciating. I had drawn them into a conflict that they were not, and possibly never could have been, prepared to deal with. I gave them no choice. My presence alone had decided where their path in this life would end.
“I've got half a mind to throw that bottle over the ledge,” came a voice from behind me. I had heard the door, but I no longer cared.
“And I’ve half a mind to follow it.” I replied, my jaw clenched, turning to face Liz. We said nothing for a few moments. “Did you come to tell me you're leaving?”
“Yes.” she replied simply.
“I am sorry,” I said, throwing the bottle over my shoulder, letting it plummet fifty stories to the pavement. “deeply, agonizingly sorry that I could not save them.”
“So am I.” she said, coming closer to me. Her eyes were red and agitated, tears streamed slowly down her face. She looked like an angel, as the last light of the red evening sky was fading behind her.
“I love you Elizabeth,” I said, as she put her hands on the side of my face. “I'm so sorry for what I’ve put you through. So many have died, but what hurts the most is the fact that I’ve killed us, our future together.”
“I'll always love you,” She said slowly and deliberately, choking the words out “but my war ends today.”
I stood there in silence, with no words to respond to what she had said. She kissed me lightly on the forehead, like she had done so many times before.
As she turned to walk away my chest constricted while feeling like it was about to burst. My heart sank into my stomach and I plunged away, falling further and further within my own mind.
Chapter 33