Pearce or a father pushed too far like Fernando Ruiz. To him, he was doing his job keeping the public safe. For many, they could justify a kill when it was someone like Pearce or Hogan, and depending who was reporting the news, they were either victims of unfortunate circumstance or villains. In today’s scenario, no matter which way anyone looked at it, Calvin would be painted as the villain. Well, except maybe to the victims, but then he’d heard it all before, how the rich guys had brought it on themselves for being assholes. Did that mean they deserved to die?
“Cal?”
Ethan’s soft word snapped him out of it, and he realized they were alone in the locker room. He didn’t even remember walking in here. Calvin finished changing and shut his locker.
“I’m fine. I’ll see you later.” The heartbroken expression Calvin managed to catch a glimpse of as he turned away from Ethan had him adding the man he loved to the long list of people he’d hurt today. He walked off, needing to be alone. It was best he be on his own right now. He’d caused enough pain.
Chapter Seven
I’LL WAIT for you.
Ethan hated this part more than anything. This was where Calvin shut down and shut him out. Ethan was terrified one of these days Calvin would get lost for good. The team stayed clear, knowing it was what his partner needed. They’d finished up quick and left the locker room. Calvin had gone through the motions, his head somewhere else. It broke Ethan’s heart to see him like that. Even if it didn’t last long, it was there, dimming the brightness in his partner’s blue eyes. Ethan followed Calvin out, though he kept his distance. His partner didn’t know he was there. Calvin had changed out of his uniform. He’d have the rest of the day off, but first he’d be up to see Dr. Winters. Tomorrow he’d spend the day filling out his report, finding the right words to paint a picture and show why it was necessary for him to do what he did.
I wish you would let me in.
Ethan yearned to reach out and take Calvin’s hand, to pull him into his embrace and not let go, but he didn’t. A thought struck him. He had a few minutes before Calvin went upstairs to meet with Dr. Winters. Ethan hurried to the elevator and went up to the seventeenth floor. He briskly walked through the corridor of offices and suites until he found the frosted-glass door with Dr. Winters’s name on it. He walked into the reception area where a young Human woman smiled at him. Ethan pointed behind her to the office.
“One moment. I’ll check.” The receptionist put in the call, and seconds later the doctor emerged. He smiled widely.
“Agent Hobbs. How good to see you. Please, come in. I have a few minutes before my next session.”
Ethan walked into the doctor’s office and waited while the tall wolf Therian closed the door.
“What can I do for you, Ethan? Have you thought about my proposal to learn ASL?”
Ethan was embarrassed. He shook his head. I will, though. The last few months had been so crazy, he’d completely forgotten about Dr. Winters’s suggestion for him to learn American Sign Language. Ethan wasn’t sure it would help. ASL was communication, and no matter what format he was using, whether it was spoken words or sign language, it didn’t stop him from growing too anxious to communicate with someone.
“Well, you think about it and let me know. I have a wonderful program that can help. If it’s what you want. No one’s forcing you.”
Ethan nodded his thanks. He placed his hand out around his chest level before moving his hand over his hair and making spike motions.
“Agent Summers?”
Ethan nodded. I’m worried about him. He swiped a hand in front of his face.
The doctor’s expression softened. “Yes, I know. It’s rather difficult to get through to him after an incident.”
No, you don’t understand. Ethan put his hand to his heart, then motioned between him and the door.
“Oh.” Dr. Winters blinked at him. “You and Agent Summers are involved romantically?”
Ethan nodded. He waved his hand in front of his face again before putting it to his heart. Every time he shuts down, it breaks my heart. He pushed with his hands.
“He pushes you away.”
Ethan nodded.
“Your partner carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, even when no one has asked him to, and that’s when he’s not carrying the responsibility of his duties. I’ll see what I can do, but I’m sure you know better than anyone how willful your partner can be.”
Ethan wasn’t surprised. Calvin wasn’t one to share his feelings. He had no problem expressing himself, but when it came down to the core of what was eating away at him, he never let anyone in, not even Ethan. All Ethan could do was hope for the best.
“CALVIN, THANK you for seeing me.”
“I don’t really have a choice,” Calvin muttered as he entered the doctor’s pristine office and headed for the couch. The room was furnished to resemble a living room more than a psychologist’s office. Apparently it made agents feel more open and at ease. Didn’t matter how you dressed it up, it was still a shrink’s office.
“There’s always a choice, Calvin.”
Here we go. Calvin took a seat on the floral couch. At least it was comfortable. He sat back against the plush throw pillows, his fingers laced and resting on his lap. He waited for the doctor to finish setting up the recording application on his tablet. Once he placed it on the coffee table beside him, he crossed one knee over the other and placed his laced fingers on his lap. Now the usual questions began.
“How are you feeling?”
Calvin shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“How are you feeling about what happened today?”
“I did my job.”
Dr. Winters smiled warmly. “That’s what you did, not how you feel.”
“I had to kill someone. Someone with a family who loved them. How do you think I feel?”
“I can’t answer that for you,” Dr. Winters replied gently.
“I feel shitty.” Like that was big news. What agent wouldn’t?
“You know, Calvin. Whenever we have a session, you sit here in my office, I ask you the same questions, and you give me the same answers. That you’re fine. You were doing your job. That you understand what’s required of you, and that you need some time, but you can handle it because you always have.”
“Right.” At least they were on the same page. “That hasn’t changed.”
“Let’s try something different.” Dr. Winters cocked his head to one side, his sharp amber eyes studying Calvin. He smiled. He was always smiling. “Tell me about Ethan. How is your relationship with him progressing?”
Calvin sat up and narrowed his eyes. He eyed Dr. Winters warily. Not that it did much good. The wolf Therian barely blinked.
“Things are good. Was he here? Did he come here?”
“Does that concern you?”
Why would Ethan come up here? Not that Ethan hadn’t been up here before. Ethan had plenty of sessions with Dr. Winters before today, the most recent in connection to Shultzon taking him, Sloane, and Ash. “What did you say to him? Did he say anything?”
“He’s worried about you.”
“Why? It’s not the first time this has happened. He knows how these things go. How is this different to any other time?” It was a sad fact, but Calvin had done this a number of times.
“You push him away.”
Calvin swallowed hard. He was finding it difficult to meet Dr. Winters’s gaze all of a sudden. “I need time. He understands that.”
“He does, but it still hurts him. When you’re in pain, he’s in pain.”
It was strange, hearing Dr. Winters talking about Ethan during one of their sessions. “I don’t mean to hurt him. I need to deal with this on my own.”
“Why?”
“Because he has enough to deal with. I won’t lay my shit on him too.” On any given day, Ethan was struggling with his mutism, his anxiety, his family, and anything else determined to keep him up at night or fuck with his attempt to remain fu
lly functional. Calvin’s job was to protect Ethan, not bring him more heartache.
“So you’re protecting him?”
“Yes. Like I said, he has enough to deal with. His dad, his older brother, his job, the assholes who get in his face because he doesn’t answer them, or because he has to move when they sit next to him. They get offended. You know what it’s like for him. I won’t put my shit on him too.”
“What about your mother? Do you speak to her about how you feel?”
Calvin frowned. “Of course not.”
Winters nodded. His expression turned thoughtful. “You’re protecting her as well.”
“Of course I am. She’s my mom. After all the shit she went through, she’s finally happy. She worries enough about me being out in the field. What is she going to do with the information I give her? Nothing. She’ll worry about me more. I can handle my job, Doctor.”
“I have no doubt that you can. Otherwise I wouldn’t continue to clear you for duty.” Winters watched him silently before seeming to come to some sort of conclusion. “Tell me about Mr. Ruiz. How do you feel about what you had to do today?”
“I’m pissed.”
“Why?”
“Because he gave me no choice. Because instead of asking for help, he took a bunch of people hostage. He shot someone dead and injured two others. He left me no choice.”
“All right. Let’s try a little exercise. Pretend I’m Fernando Ruiz. What would you like to say to me?”
Calvin shook his head. He hated this type of role-playing strategy. It never worked, and he always felt stupid doing them. “Doc, come on.”
“Take your time. I’ll wait.”
Fuck. All right, fine. Calvin got to his feet. He looked at Dr. Winters and shook his head. This wasn’t going to work.
“Why did you kill me?”
Calvin swallowed hard. He started to pace in front of the couch. “Because it was my job. He—you left me no choice. You were going to shoot that man.” He felt like such an idiot doing this. What difference would it make? He didn’t feel anything. That was the whole point. He wasn’t going to go into his moral beliefs, what it meant that he was capable of killing someone, that he could detach. It would lead him to places he didn’t want to end up in. “I did what had to be done. Someone was dead, and someone else’s life was already in danger. If I’d gotten there sooner, there might have been injuries but no dead bodies.”
“Do you care?” Winters asked as Ruiz.
“Do I care? That he’s—you’re dead? Of course I fucking care.” Calvin continued to pace. He wasn’t a heartless monster. Just because he could detach didn’t mean he didn’t care. Maybe they were targets to him at first while he had them in his crosshairs, but in the back of his mind, it was always someone’s life. There had been plenty of times when he’d had nightmares about a shooting. Reliving the moment. Sometimes it went exactly as it had during the incident; sometimes the details changed. The worse ones were when the target changed to someone he cared about, like his mom or Ethan, someone on his team. Those nights he’d wake up in a cold sweat, his face wet from the tears he’d cried unknowingly.
The more he thought about Ruiz, the more pissed off he got. Ruiz had no idea Calvin had been there. He was completely unaware of the sniper aiming at his head. Yet what did he think would happen if he killed that second hostage? That they’d let him keep killing people? What did he hope to accomplish? He wasn’t the only one in the city in pain. The only one suffering. Calvin’s mom had been through hell. They’d lost everything. He’d practically grown up in a goddamn car. His mom had gotten fired plenty of times for choosing to be with him when he was sick rather than serving at a roach-infested shithole for fifty-cent tips, if that. She spent more time fighting off the advances of lowlife scumbags than she did waiting tables in those hellholes.
“You think I don’t know fucking hardship? You think my mom didn’t know it? Fucked-up shit happens. We didn’t go out and kill people. We didn’t take it out on the fuckers determined to crush us under their Italian loafers. So you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for making me pull the trigger. We’re the ones left to pick up the pieces because you couldn’t ask for help. How could you do that to your family? To your wife, your kid! Do you think they won’t find out about this when they’re old enough? Do you think your wife will be able to hide this from them? You chose to walk in there, yet I’m the asshole in this for doing my fucking job, for stopping you from hurting anyone else. I’m the one who has to tell your wife why you’re dead. Do you know what that’s like? Do you know what it feels like to watch someone’s world come undone? No, because you fucking bailed! You bailed on your kid, you son of a bitch!” Calvin wiped the tears from his cheeks. He dropped down on the couch, his throat too choked up to go on. It was hard to breathe, and his eyes hurt.
“You’re angry.”
“Angry?” Calvin let out a harsh laugh. “I’m not angry. I’m fucking furious. Did you even think about what you were doing? When you picked up that gun and got in your car? When you stopped at a traffic light on the way there, did you stop to think about your kid? About what you were about to do to your family? Did you not give a shit? Did you give up? Everything is shit, so fuck the world. I’m going down in a blaze of fucking glory. Well it wasn’t glory, was it? It was one fucking bullet. Mine.”
“Kids.”
Calvin blinked. “Excuse me?”
“You keep saying kid. Mr. Ruiz had two children.”
The sudden change had Calvin confused. “Oh.”
“Calvin, I believe this particular case is different. It’s far more personal. You feel Mr. Ruiz abandoned his children because of the bad choices he made, like your father abandoned you.”
“My dad has nothing to do with this.” Where the hell had that come from?
“He was killed, wasn’t he? By the police. He robbed a gas station and took the clerk hostage.”
Calvin swallowed hard. It took him a moment to digest and believe what Dr. Winters said. He’d spent so long telling everyone, including himself, how his father abandoned him, how his mom chased him off after he tried to take her car, that he’d fallen for his own lies. Ethan was the only one who knew, and he’d promised Calvin a long time ago to keep his secret.
Shame and anger clogged his throat like thick smoke polluting his lungs. The THIRDS had overlooked his father’s criminal record and given him a chance because of Seb and Rafe. His father had been a piece of shit who’d been so disgusted with himself and his life that he took his anger out on his wife and kid whenever he got a chance. Calvin flinched at the memory of a belt hitting him across the face, splitting his lip. He’d been four years old and accidently knocked over his dad’s beer can.
“My mom cried the night he was killed.” He wiped at his cheeks before meeting the doctor’s gaze. “She was happy. No more lying about how she’d broken her arm or where her black eye had come from. No more locking me in the bathroom to keep my father from making me bleed. Life wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows for me and my mom, but we had each other. We loved each other and looked out for each other. We were happy. I’m not angry because my father abandoned me, doctor. I’m angry because he had a choice. He had a choice not to be a piece-of-shit husband and sorry excuse for a Human. He had a choice not to beat his wife and kid. He had a choice not to put someone else’s life at risk, same as Fernando Ruiz. They chose wrong and were forced to face the consequences of their actions.” Calvin sat back, exhausted. At least he’d calmed down. “They both made their choice and left their families to pick up the pieces, so yeah, I guess you’re right. There’s always a choice. It’s up to us which one we make.”
ETHAN CLEANED up his and Calvin’s desks, getting rid of the empty plates and food containers. When they’d been filled, the office had looked like some kind of lunch buffet. He’d called Dex and asked if he could bring him a burger and fries from the canteen since he’d be staying in his office. He couldn’t handle going into the canteen without C
alvin. At that time of day, the place would have been packed, and the thought of all those people made him feel queasy. Dex said he’d take care of it, and next thing Ethan knew, the whole team was in his office with enough food to open a burger business. How Dex knew he needed the distraction was beyond him, but it had been fun. Now it was time to go home. He’d finished his top-priority reports and checked up on his order for the new Packbot and X-Ray kits.
Once the office was clean, he’d showered and changed in the locker room before heading down to the employee garage. Calvin would take a taxi home sometime in the middle of the night. Ethan had no idea where Calvin went on nights like this. Tonight Ethan would be up listening for the sounds of Calvin’s arrival. His evenings would be rather lonely for the next few days, but whatever Calvin needed Ethan would provide. Things would be a little quiet on the team, but Dex would keep everyone’s spirits up. Calvin didn’t want anyone acting any different around him, and the rest of them needed to be distracted.
Once he got home, Ethan made himself a sandwich. He made another for Calvin and left it in the fridge like he always did. Calvin never ate it, but if his partner did wander out, Ethan wanted to make sure there was something already prepared for him to eat. After eating and washing up, Ethan watched a little TV, though his mind kept wandering off. It was far earlier than usual, but he decided to get into bed. He brushed his teeth and changed into his loose pajama bottoms and T-shirt before turning off the lights and climbing into bed. He faced the wall. Calvin’s bedroom was on the other side. Today must have been rougher on him than he thought, because he’d about fallen asleep, when he heard his bedroom door creak open, then close. He didn’t get up or move, afraid of spooking Calvin. His partner had never come to him before. He had a bad habit of suffering in silence, holing himself up in the darkness to lick his wounds, hissing and lashing out like a feral Therian. His little wildcat, untamable yet sweet and unpredictable.
Calvin climbed into bed beside Ethan and rolled him over onto his back. His eyes were red, and filled with need, a need only Ethan could fill. Ethan sat up, and Calvin brought their lips together in an ardent kiss, his hands going to Ethan’s T-shirt. He scrambled to get Ethan undressed without having to pull back, and Ethan helped him, their lips parting only long enough for them to get undressed. Calvin straddled Ethan’s lap, his fingernails scraping down Ethan’s biceps as he sucked Ethan’s bottom lip before giving it a nip.
“Ethan….”
Calvin’s broken plea squeezed at Ethan’s heart. Ethan reached into the nightstand, his mouth still on Calvin’s, kissing him, answering his desperation as he rummaged in the drawer and grabbed the bottle of lube. He handed it to Calvin, who poured some on his hand and lubed Ethan up, his strokes making Ethan moan and writhe beneath him. It felt so damn good, but this wasn’t about him. It was about Calvin, about what his partner needed to soothe his bleeding heart. Calvin reached behind him and spent as little time as possible stretching himself. Ethan didn’t have time to voice his concern before Calvin was pushing Ethan’s cock inside him, the pain evident on his face, and the cry he let out when he impaled himself the rest of the way echoed Ethan’s own.
Calvin faltered for a moment, his eyes glassy, but he quickly recovered. He smiled at Ethan and kissed him, bringing Ethan’s arms around him. Ethan held on tight as Calvin started to move. He threw his head back, his eyes closed and his fingers digging into Ethan’s shoulders. Their unsteady breaths mingled as Calvin picked up his pace, driving Ethan deep inside him faster and harder. Knowing what his partner needed, Ethan took hold of Calvin’s hips and met his movements with his own thrusts, pushing himself up as he forced Calvin down. Calvin let out a surprised gasp. He took hold of his erection and pumped his fist as he bounced on Ethan, his skin flushed.
“Ethan, please….”
“I’ve got you,” Ethan promised. “Always.”
Calvin threw his arms around Ethan’s neck and hugged him close, his fingers slipping into Ethan’s hair. “Don’t let me go. Never let me go.”
“Never.” Ethan shut his eyes tight as he fucked Calvin, his thrusts growing erratic as his orgasm loomed. He would have liked to take his time, but that wasn’t what Calvin wanted. He slipped a hand between them and took hold of Calvin’s cock, stroking him as best he could. Ethan’s muscles tightened, and he buried his face in Calvin’s hair as he came, his boyfriend coming shortly after. Ethan slowed his thrusts along with his hand, stopping when Calvin hissed at the touch. They remained in each other’s arms until Ethan’s legs began to ache. With Calvin held to him, he turned and lay down, their limbs intertwined. He brushed his lips over Calvin’s kiss-swollen mouth before delivering a soft kiss to Calvin’s wet cheeks, first the right, then the left.
“Thank you,” Ethan said quietly, “for coming to me.” He was well aware it wasn’t just today’s events that had Calvin feeling so vulnerable. The last few months had been emotionally and physically trying for the both of them, and Calvin was finally letting it all go, but there was something else too. Despite his heartache, he seemed… lighter. “Why do you do that?” Ethan asked gently. “Why do you hold it all in until you’re ready to burst? Suffering in silence? Growing up, you always wiped my tears, yet you never let me do the same for you. Not until tonight.”
“I didn’t have any tears to cry, Ethan.” Calvin lowered his gaze, his thick blond lashes almost resting on his cheeks. “I couldn’t let myself.”
The words formed a lump in Ethan’s throat. “Because of me?”
“And Mom.” Calvin shrugged. He met Ethan’s eyes. “I had to protect you both. You were all that mattered to me. Everything was so shitty back then, except you and Mom. You’re the reason I never stopped fighting to get out of that place.”
Ethan swallowed hard and nodded. He kissed Calvin tenderly, loving the feel of him, his softness. So much courage in such a small package. They lay down together, and Calvin cuddled up close. Within seconds, Calvin was asleep. Ethan