Kaitlyn and Wayne turned 16 and then 17. She wasn’t in awe of him any longer, and she suspected she wasn’t in love with him, either. She was fond of him, she liked his family, and her family liked him. Sometimes it seemed as though he was more like a brother than a boyfriend. About the only freedom she ever had to be herself was when she worked at the Safeway store near her home. She was able to joke with the other teenagers who worked there without looking over her shoulder to see if Wayne was watching. And it was natural that boys working there would ask her for dates.
But Kaitlyn had to refuse. It would upset Wayne too much. Secretly, she envied her girlfriends, who were caught up in a round of dating, while her life was set on a straight course without any surprises or possibilities. She would graduate, marry Wayne, and live happily ever after.
Their wedding date was set for June, right after they graduated. She had become so used to accepting Wayne’s plans that she didn’t know how to ask him to slow down. But at this point Kaitlyn had doubts—real doubts. She had never had an adult love, and although she felt true affection for Wayne, she kept thinking that there should be something more. Instinctively, she knew that what she felt was not the overpowering love that a woman should have for the man she married. Propelled by everybody else’s enthusiasm, Kaitlyn went through the frantic preparations for her wedding. There were bridal showers, wedding gown fittings, invitations to send. She tried to fight down her feelings of panic. Things were moving too fast. Her friends were excited about going to college but that was out for her. A career was out too. She wanted to shout “Slow down!” but she didn’t.
She wasn’t ready to get married. Not just get married to Wayne Merriam; she didn’t want to marry anyone. Maybe, if she had had a chance to date others, she would have found that it was Wayne she cared about the most after all. But she never had the chance. She didn’t even tell her parents, or her sister—who was her best friend—about her reservations. There never seemed to be time, and whenever she tried to discuss slowing down with Wayne, he would begin to cry and tell her that he just couldn’t live without her because she meant everything to him.
Wayne idolized her. He told her that all the time. He promised Kaitlyn that once they were married she would see how happy they would be. But if she pulled out of their wedding, he hinted that he might kill himself. Although that was emotional blackmail, she bought it. She couldn’t bear the thought of that.
Kaitlyn went through with the wedding ceremony. She had no illusions at that point about the future. It wasn’t as if they could separate if it didn’t work out. She had been raised in a very strict Protestant church in which divorce was not an option. Once you were married, you were married. Even though she felt as though she’d been dragged through a tunnel with no exits until she reached the altar, she was determined that her marriage would be for keeps.
No one who saw her blinding smile as she threw her bridal bouquet had any idea that Kaitlyn had just married a man she didn’t really love—married him out of guilt and pressure. Had she confided in her family or her pastor, they would have supported her and advised that she wait, but she hadn’t felt she could do that.
Perhaps Kaitlyn Merriam had really believed that marriage would set Wayne’s mind at ease, putting an end to his petty jealousies.
She was wrong. Wayne hovered over her like a watchdog. He was a poster boy for the overly possessive husband. Now that they were married, he forbade Kaitlyn to wear makeup. He went through her wardrobe with her and told her which clothes she had to either give away or throw away because they were too provocative. He wanted her to dress like a prim middle-aged woman, not a 19-year-old girl. He didn’t want to take any chance that other men might be attracted to his bride.
Kaitlyn had gone into this marriage with a positive attitude, convinced that Wayne meant it when he described how happy they were going to be. It didn’t take long for her to realize that she was in a cage. When love is held loosely and allowed to breathe, it can grow, and she had hoped she would learn to love her new husband. But even though she had promised their families, their friends, and her church to love Wayne forever, he obviously didn’t believe it. He was so jealous of her, imagining things that never happened. Kaitlyn was afraid she could not survive in a marriage in which she had no freedom whatsoever.
Wayne was devoted, yes, and he acceded to all her wishes—as long as she behaved like a cult bride, kept her eyes downcast when other men were around, and dressed like a frump. He had a job as a loading clerk for a department store, and he let her keep her job as a grocery checker at Safeway, although he met her right after work and followed her home. They didn’t have money problems, and they seldom argued, but it just wasn’t the way Kaitlyn had pictured marriage.
• • •
It was probably inevitable that Kaitlyn—who had always been sweet-natured—would become irritable, chafing at her restrictions. Wayne couldn’t understand. He had given her everything and he was loyal and accommodating. When he pointed that out to her, she just seemed more unhappy.
“What is it you want from me?” he asked uncomprehendingly. “You have everything any woman could want.”
She just shook her head. He had never understood that all she wanted was to be a person—her own person—with some freedom to decide things for herself.
Although, Wayne discouraged socializing with Kaitlyn’s friends, they sometimes double-dated with a couple Wayne knew from work. Sometimes, in the safety provided by being with another couple, Kaitlyn picked at her husband, daring to disagree with him. Wayne’s friends, unaware of how cloistered her existence was, thought that she was unkind. She wasn’t; she was fighting back against the man who wouldn’t let her breathe.
With her own family, Kaitlyn tried to keep up their portrait of her as a happy bride. Her sister had a good marriage, and although she noticed that Wayne and Kaitlyn seemed strangely formal with one another, she assumed that their marriage was working out all right for them.
The strain of pretense and the frustration at being a captive bride became almost more than Kaitlyn Merriam could bear. After only eight months with Wayne, she knew she had to get away. He had insisted that they buy a house, a move that made her feel even more trapped, but the papers had been signed. She was caught again, but Kaitlyn told Wayne she couldn’t make love to him any longer. She slept on the couch and he slept in the bedroom. Of course, he was more suspicious than ever, asking her whom she was sleeping with.
“When would I have the chance?” she snapped. “Even if I wanted to—which I don’t. You’re always watching me.”
In early February, she and Wayne moved out of their Seattle apartment and in with Kaitlyn’s sister and her husband for the two weeks they would have to wait to take possession of their new home.
Everything started to sour that February. Wayne had lost his job; he was under investigation for the theft of several guns from the loading dock at the store where he worked. They couldn’t afford to buy a house; they would have been lucky to pay their apartment rent. Their marriage was foundering, but Kaitlyn still didn’t tell her sister of her problems.
It was Wayne who first broached the subject. He told his brother-in-law that Kaitlyn wanted to leave him and get a divorce. He seemed totally bewildered and couldn’t understand that she didn’t love him and didn’t want any kind of relationship with him. His brother-in-law was astounded too. Kaitlyn’s determination not to disappoint her family had made her a flawless actress, but even her loyalty was crumbling under the strain of living a lie.
When her sister questioned her, Kaitlyn finally admitted that it was true. “I can’t stand being with Wayne any longer,” she confessed. “I didn’t want to get married in the first place, but everything snowballed and I felt like I had to go through with it.”
“Oh, Kaitlyn,” her sister sighed. “I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Kaitlyn only shrugged helplessly.
Once their split was announced openly, Kaitlyn moved to th
e living-room couch at her sister’s house. Wayne slept in their guest room.
Kaitlyn’s sister urged her to seek counseling, telling her that she just couldn’t end a marriage so easily. Kaitlyn agreed to talk with their family pastor. The minister talked to Kaitlyn for two hours, and then he talked to Wayne, explaining to him how his wife felt. It was a tearful confrontation, and the minister suggested that they try a trial separation for a month.
“See if your feelings don’t fall into place when you spend some time apart,” he counseled. “You might be surprised to see what you really feel for one another.”
Kaitlyn leapt at the chance. After five years of being bound to Wayne by promises, threats, and guilt, it was a way out for her. She knew in her own heart that she was finished with the marriage, and it wasn’t fair to Wayne to continue to stay with him feeling the way she did. He would come to see that too. But, given the chance to separate for even a month, she believed that she could stay free.
She was hopelessly naive.
When their house was ready for occupancy, Wayne Merriam moved in without Kaitlyn. But he couldn’t bear to live in it alone, so he fashioned a bedroom for himself in the garage, avoiding the rest of the house. He tacked pictures of Kaitlyn up so that he would always have her face before him.
There is no question that Wayne Merriam felt a deep sense of loss. As strong as his feeling of possession had been about Kaitlyn, the gradual realization of his loss was cataclysmic. He was a young man with single-minded goals. He did not ever consider that he might one day find another woman. He was only 20 years old and, for him, life seemed to hold no purpose without his wife. He seemed to have blinders on, blocking him from seeing where he had failed in the relationship. As far as he was concerned, Kaitlyn belonged to him and she always would.
He had always been doggedly determined. Now he was unhinged.
Kaitlyn, on the other hand, felt as if she had been let out of jail. She rented an apartment close to her job, and began to think that she might be able to start a life on her own. She worried about Wayne, but she felt he would be all right once he accepted the fact that their marriage wasn’t meant to be.
She could wear makeup now, she could wear the clothes she wanted, and she could consider dating other men. But that was a long way off. She certainly hadn’t left Wayne because she wanted another man. She had wanted only to be herself. Alone.
Kaitlyn told her parents, of course, that she and Wayne were separated. Wayne didn’t tell his family. He continued to carry on a fantasy marriage, acting as if everything were fine. Kaitlyn’s parents and family were understanding when Wayne visited them frequently. They tried to help him adjust to his loss, and let him know that they still considered him a good friend and that they were there for him.
At six feet two inches, Wayne had always been tall and thin. Now he began to lose weight, which he could ill afford to spare. He didn’t comb his hair, and his clothes were wrinkled and dirty. He spent a good deal of time with the couple he knew from work. They listened patiently as he went over and over his confusion about Kaitlyn’s defection. “How could she leave me?” he asked. “I don’t see any reason for it. Do you?”
Even when Wayne was questioned by federal agents from the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms concerning the gun theft from his employer, he seemed more concerned with his broken marriage than any possible charges against him.
He called Kaitlyn repeatedly at her apartment and bombarded her with presents and flowers. But none of it convinced her that he had changed. If she went back to him, she knew he would start tightening his invisible bonds around her.
Wayne had several friends who tried to cheer him up, and he attended church regularly. His pastor counseled him. He actually seemed to be getting a little more cheerful, and those who knew him relaxed a little bit. They didn’t know his attitude was only a facade.
Early in April, with the “month long” separation extending for more than sixty days, drivers crossing Seattle’s soaring Aurora Avenue Bridge noticed a tall, dark-haired man standing at the edge of the pedestrian walkway. The ship canal was hundreds of feet down. The bridge, for good reason, is known as a suicide spot. Pedestrians loitering on the bridge always alarm observers. Too many of them have gone over to land in the water or the docks below, and most of them die.
Someone called the police, and a patrol unit arrived to find Wayne Merriam leaning against the rail, gazing down. The officers approached him quietly, careful not to startle him. But he caught the movement behind him out of the corner of his eye. As he spotted them, he lurched forward. It took both officers to grab him and wrestle him to safety.
Wayne was admitted to the mental ward of the Harborview Medical Center for observation, There he phoned, not his own parents, but Kaitlyn’s. Because they didn’t know the truth about what their daughter had gone through, they had always supported him. But, for the first time, his in-laws felt compelled to let his family know that Wayne and Kaitlyn had separated. It wasn’t breaking a confidence—something had to be done.
Kaitlyn felt terrible; she could see no future for herself if anything happened to Wayne because she had deserted him. She decided to talk to him and let him know that she wanted him to be happy. If she could convince him that their marriage held no happiness for either of them, maybe he could deal with it. She wasn’t afraid of him—she’d never been afraid of him, except in the sense that he might harm himself. It was this fear that had kept her bound to Wayne ever since they were in high school. Early on, he’d learned that he could push that button.
On April 14, Wayne accepted Kaitlyn’s invitation to visit her at her new apartment. Things appeared to be going really well, and she was relieved to see how calm he was.
“Wayne,” she said, “I really do care about you and I’m worried about you. I’m glad that we can get together and talk because I think we can work this out. Don’t you?”
He nodded, waiting for her to go on. She spoke about some of the good times they’d had when they were a lot younger. “We’ll always be friends, Wayne,” she stressed. “We have so much history we’ve shared.”
As he got up to leave, he was actually smiling and joking. He seemed to agree that their marriage was over, and that it was best for both of them.
She had no warning of what came next. Suddenly, Wayne turned toward her and grabbed her around the neck with both hands. He was a foot taller and outweighed her by a hundred pounds. He was choking her, and she could do nothing to stop him. She saw flashes of light and then nothing but blackness. She was unconscious when she landed on her couch.
Kaitlyn wasn’t dead. When she came to, she could hear Wayne frantically pounding on other apartment doors. He was shouting for someone to help her. She screamed, and Wayne ran back to her.
“I hate you!” she gasped. “Just get away from me.”
Kaitlyn stumbled to the manager’s apartment and waited, nearly hysterical, while he called police.
Kaitlyn might well have died then; strangulation can result in death in a matter of seconds. It all depends on the person who is being choked. But she was lucky: she survived with only a wrenched neck and two huge black bruises on her throat where Wayne’s thumbs had pressed against her arteries.
She had never suspected that Wayne was capable of physically harming her. He never had; he had only threatened to hurt himself. But Kaitlyn Merriam now lived with fear. She was afraid to go back to her apartment, and afraid to go to her parents’ home: they had given Wayne a key to their front door. Her family decided to move her into one of her aunts’ houses. They figured that would be a safe hiding place because Wayne had never been there and had no idea of the address.
The police were keeping an eye on him too. He hadn’t just walked away from Kaitlyn’s apartment. When he tried to run after he choked her, he was arrested. Charges were now pending against him for assault, and he was still being questioned about the gun theft.
• • •
Kaitlyn moved ahead and
filed for divorce, despite all of Wayne’s attempts to make up for what he had done to her. She was too frightened of him to ever live with him again. Now he didn’t know where she lived, but she often saw his car circling the Safeway parking lot when she was working.
Once or twice, she accepted dinner invitations from men at work, but it wasn’t worth the hassle. Wayne followed them and caused scenes. They didn’t ask her out again and she couldn’t blame them.
Never before had Kaitlyn even considered that Wayne might try to kill her. Now she did. If he could strangle her until she was unconscious, he was probably capable of anything. She was convinced he would try again, and she feared that they might both die in some kind of compulsive act on his part.
It was a heavy burden for a 19-year-old girl to carry. Living with her aunt wasn’t safe enough. All Wayne had to do was follow her home. Then he could find out where she was living, and he could break in if he decided to. Finally, after a family conference, they all decided that the safest thing would be for Kaitlyn to share an apartment with a cousin in a building known for its top security. The young women would have an unlisted phone, and they wouldn’t put their names on the apartment house mailboxes. Even if Wayne should somehow get into the lobby, he wouldn’t be able to determine which apartment they were in—not among the dozens in the building.
Kaitlyn had considered moving far away, but she didn’t want to leave her job, her family, and the city where she had always lived. Somehow, she would manage to get lost among the half million people living in Seattle.
But Wayne was a man on fire. He called Kaitlyn’s family to apologize for choking her. “I just woke up and found myself doing that. You know I wouldn’t have done that on purpose, and I’ll never do it again.”
He didn’t come close to convincing them, and they were adamant that they could not tell him where Kaitlyn lived.