Chapter fourteen
Portamento
Percy gave up on yelling long ago. No one was coming. He sat on a box and looked around the dingey janitor’s closet. What was the twins’ motivation to lock him in here? It seemed like such a childish game. They were just walking down the hallway after class and they shoved him in here. Why? It was the same closet Kalli had been in on Monday. Maybe it was the twins idea of payback for what he had done to her. He saw now why she was so angry with him. He wanted to talk to her, but he was scared she would still be angry. And if Dragen kept the promise he made at the fight, today was the day he would lose her to him. Today was the day when dreaming ends, he thought, a song, but he couldn’t remember which one. He found himself looking at the gold knob. It turned. He stood quickly as the door opened and closed again quickly. He stared in shock at the new addition to the small room, Kalli. She was screaming of frustration.
She got to her feet quickly and ran to the door. She didn’t even see him standing wide eyed in the corner. “Sasha! Demitri! This isn’t funny! Let me out!!”
Percy stood there in shock. The twins had planned this? He made a mental note to hurt them later. Kalli gave up on the door and turned around eyes closed. Her face looked so hopeless. He moved closer to the wall, wanting to disappear. Her eyes fluttered open at the noise. She saw him standing in the corner, his blue eyes wide.
“Percy?” She must be imagining things.
He turned around so he wouldn’t have to look into those beautiful eyes. Why were The twins doing this? And why did this have to hurt so much? He wanted to make everything better, to put the happiness back into her eyes.
“I really--I’m so sorry,” He could hear the tears in her voice. “I messed everything up. I--I just--don’t know how to anymore, how to be normal. I'm so broken and I don't know how to do this alone," Percy didn’t respond. Not for several minutes. He just let her cry, his heart breaking with each tear. “I--I just can’t Percy! Not without you! I--I love…” he spun and she was in his arms. He was everywhere. “Percy,” He shushed her. For the time being it was his turn to talk.
“Kalli, I can’t be anything without you. I know it sounds lame and corny, but it’s true. I can’t live without you. I don't want to anymore--Je t’aime,” He said with such affection the meaning was dripping from the sweet words. Kalli hugged him closer, “Do you understand now?” He asked, his heart yearning for her to know.
She shook her head against his chest. “No, but it’s ok…” She couldn’t quite finish her sentence before she knew what je t’aime meant. He was showing her. His kiss was fierce yet soft. It was a kind kiss, but a yearning one. There was no space between them. Kalli raised her arms and hooked her fingers in his soft long black hair, playing with the longer strands. His large hands rested on her neck and lower back. Pulling her closer. So close there was no more space to fill and yet somehow he managed to bring her closer. But it wasn’t nearly close enough for Kalli. It was Percy. Everywhere Percy. Everything Percy.
Eventually they broke apart, still staying close, which wasn’t hard in the small closet. “Wow. That was interesting,” Kalli said bending up just enough to see his face.
“Yes, indeed it was. So if I am reading your body language correctly…you like me as much as I like you?”
Kalli laughed, of course he would try and verify, and not just read her actions. “Yeah, I guess I do,” he kissed her again. Softer this time, sweeter. Then he hugged her close. “Mmm I feel so safe in your arms, it’s nice.” She clung close to his shirt, loving his warmth. She wished they could stay like this forever. Together, this close, feeling amazing, forever.
Suddenly it was much lighter in the small closet. “What’s this?” the twins suddenly joined them in the closet blocking most the light with their bodies. “We hoped that you two would talk and be friends again. But…this?”
Kalli turned away from them and smiled. Percy gave them a smirk. “Well you got your wish. We are friends again.”
“Yes we see that. It is plainly obvious just how friendly you two are.”
They extended the word friendly to make it mean more. Percy smiled, he was too happy to be angry with their invasiveness. “Yes, I guess it is pretty obvious now,” reluctantly, he dropped the hold he had on her and took her hand instead. “So did I beat Dragen?”
“Dragen?” Kalli interrupted, confused.
“Come to think of it Dragen looked pretty uncomfortable when we pulled Kalli away. I hope we did not interrupt anything,” the twins were truly concerned. They knew it would be bad if it ended up Dragen was trying to ask her out and they dragged her away to make out with Percy in the janitors closet.
“Can someone clue me in on how, and why, we started talking about Dragen? Please?” The three guys fell silent.
“It is nothing, Kalli, do not worry yourself with it,” Percy said squeezing her hand but she pulled it out of his grasp and crossed her arms.
“Do not lie to me, Percy Delano,” They all sighed.
“You do not really want to know,” Demitri said, hoping she would trust him.
“Well, why don’t you tell me and I’ll make that decision myself?”
“One word and I will stab you with your own cuff links,” Dragen came up threatening all of them. The twins looked up at the ceiling, trying to avoid Dragen’s piercing eyes. Dragen gave Percy a look and Percy nodded as if answering an unspoken question. Dragen sighed and nodded. He understood what was going on. He raised an eyebrow to the twins; Percy laughed and nodded.
“I think we have to…yeah,” the twins tried to duck out but Dragen raised his other eyebrow. His eyes coolly angry and the twins paused. “I suppose we can stay,” they said, their faces nervous.
“What are you all hiding from me?” Kalli was agitated now.
“It hardly matters anymore,” Percy said, hoping desperately she would drop the subject.
“Well if it doesn’t matter then tell me, because it obviously won’t change anything.”
“Kalli, can you please drop this,” Dragen asked quietly. His eyes were intense which slightly frightened Kalli, but she just didn’t understand.
“Whatever,” She started to walk away, frustrated.
“Kalli!”
“Don’t Percy. Just leave me alone,” Percy stopped and watched her walk away, feeling his heart drop to the floor.
He cursed himself and his foolish actions. “I really messed up this time , didn’t I?” His face turned to the ground in shame.
“Well now that you bring it up…yes, yes you did,” the twins chimed in perfect synchronization. Dragen rolled his eyes.
“If I know Kalli, she will forgive you,” both of the twins and Percy whirled around at Dragen’s quiet yet strong voice.
“What makes you say that?” Percy asked, cautious of the fact he was speaking directly to him, which usually only happened when he was threatening him.
"She loves you. Romantically or otherwise, she cares about you, bottom line. And because of her affections for you she will forgive nearly anything. She has already forgiven you for multiple things you have done, which if you were anyone else she would have not been so merciful. And you have accepted her for who she is beyond limiting actions. And everyone but the two of you have seen it for weeks. I saw it the first time I saw the two of you together after she got out of the infirmary. And the twins have said they saw your worried glances towards her when they first ‘attacked’ you. Lupe, Masashi, even Drake saw it. Why are you so blind?”
Percy, Demitri, and Sasha stood in awe. It was the longest speech they had ever heard him deliver.
“I must admit,” Sasha said, recovering first. “Dragen is right. I have seen the way she looks at you Percy.”
“Oh,” That’s all Percy could say. He was surprised to find people who thought Kalli cared about him as much as her cared about her. “I am going after her.”
“I would advise against that,” Demitri interjected before Percy could take a step. “She needs some tim
e, she likes space. It is an American thing, I think.”
Percy chuckled and shook his head. “No. It is a Kalli thing.”
Kalli snuck into the old piano building that she visited on her first day at the university. It was one of the oldest buildings on the grounds and no one ever bothered to lock it. Very few people knew about it so it was much quieter than the regular practice halls. The halls of the castle echoed with the music that easily flowed from her fingers. Her piano instructor had given her a piece to practice but she couldn’t find herself to focus on the intense rhythms and complex musicality of the composition. In a better state of mind she would be able to sort through the lines of music with little difficulty. Her father and she would pass their nights counting out rhythms and humming melodies. He was never much good at it, but he would watch over her and praise her when she caught him doing it wrong even if the note was off by a 64th of a beat. He made her meticulous and this was exactly the kind piece she loved to play. But she couldn’t see the notes anymore. There was just ink of the slightly yellow page. The steam she had hoped to blow off still remained built up. She was never very good at funneling her emotions into her work. She was too volatile. That’s why she stopped playing when her father died. She couldn’t find a way to let her fingers play while her heart broke. All she could play, even now, were simple melodies and scales.
After an hour of failed practice Kalli headed back to her dorm.
Kalli heard a knock on the dorm door. “Come in,” she called. She didn’t feel like moving from her bed.
“Can I really come in?” Percy’s anxious voice came through the door.
“Why couldn’t you? It’s not like it’s locked. No one is stopping you.”
“Well, I feel there is a dark, angry force keeping me out,” he said throwing his voice so he sounded like a Jedi. Kalli giggled against her will
“I feel no such force. It must be in your mind,” his persistence was a bit frustrating to Kalli, but she was torn on whether or not she was still mad at him. She saw his eyes first as he peeled around the frame of the door. She couldn't help but glare at how scared he seemed. As if she could do anything to him.
“Still pretty miffed with me?” To Kalli, miffed was the perfect word for what she was feeling: not quite angry but not at all pleased. “Yup,” He confirmed for himself.
“I just don’t understand why you would keep something from me,” She sat up to face him and he sat on the floor on front of her.
“When we tell you that you do not want to know, the truth is: we are scared to tell you. We are ashamed to face that we have secrets to hide. But, sometimes the beauty of a secret is that it is kept hidden. Other times it is not your secret to share,” His voice was hypnotic. Calm and sure, but not proud. It calmed Kalli’s rough nerves.
“Then whose secret are you keeping from me? Or is it yours that you want to stay hidden?” She leaned forward so her face was only inches from his, hoping he would see the calm questioning in her brown eyes. She only wanted to understand.
“A tad of both I am afraid: It is only Dragen’s to share. But it involves all of us.”
“By ‘all of us’ you mean...."
“Dragen, myself, the twins, and you.”
“So basically--of everyone involved--I’m the only who had been left in the dark?” She questioned his judgment on how much he could and couldn’t tell her.
Percy sighed and nodded gravely.
“Awesome-sauce."
“But more the more important matter, I believe, is not what happened outside the janitors’ closet, but what ‘went down’ within,” Percy said, trying to change the subject.
Kalli sighed and rolled her eyes. “It was a mistake, Percy. I acted impulsively.”
Percy was confused. In the closet she had wanted to be with him, that much he knew. “I...do not understand,” He admitted. He then realized her words. “You said you acted impulsively. That would imply there was an impulse. So, I see no error in our actions.”
Kalli sighed. “Percy, true, I am attracted to you. But…I can’t.”
Percy stood. He felt like he had been waiting all his life for her and she was slipping though his fingers. “Why?” He demanded. “Why can you not, Kalli? Is it because of Drake? He is gone! Is it because you are not ready? I can wait for you! Kalli, I think I am in love with you!”
“Percy," a single tear rolled down her cheek. “Right now you are my best friend in the whole world. I need that. Right now I need you to be my friend,” her heart longed for him to understand.
“Why can’t I be both?” He questioned. “Why do you continue to push me away from your heart? Why are you afraid?”
Kalli’s eyes sparked. “You think I am afraid? You think I am pushing you away, because I’m scared?”
“I do. I think you are afraid of anyone being close to you, in fear they might hurt you,” he looked her straight in the eye. "Understandable, but you know me. I'm not going to leave, or cheat on, or abandon you."
A humorless laugh escaped her lips. “Maybe you are right, and maybe you’re not. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that it’s not going to happen Percy,” She watched his face as he soaked in her words. She watched lips move but no sound shooed from them. She took his silence as an opportunity. She stood and walked towards the door. She thought it was time for him to leave. From the corner of her eye she watched him stagger to his feet, his tall frame filling the small room. Yet his spirit was small now. Kalli no longer felt that happy warmth from him as she normally did when he was in the room. She sighed as she opened the door for him.
“No,” She heard him growl as the door was slammed out of her grasp. She looked up from the floorboards. Percy was standing in front of her, his chest squared. His right hand held the door closed against her on the knob. His face was hard, determined, his silver-blue eyes hard and cold as ice. Unreadable. “No,” He repeated, his lips barely moving. “Before I leave answer me one question.”
“Any..." His lips were then hard on hers. Kalli’s heart soared out of her chest but her brain suppressed it. Percy deepened the kiss, holding her face tenderly in his hand. Kalli’s strength forced her to stay still, hoping he would stop, for both their sakes. She resisted the urge to allow herself to let go. Her mind wanted to push him away but her heart yearned for her to let go of the door knob that kept her stable and fall into his loving arms, to allow herself to love again, to be loved. Why? Why did he have to tear her in half like this? She had chosen when her father was diagnosed that her brain was stronger than her heart. Since then it had helped her deal with the pain, and then along came this boy who threw her mind in circles and pulled at her heartstrings. And how, how in the world had this amazing person grown to love her and make her heart open up to him as well? How? The truth was that she did love him, but her mind knew that she could never be as good, for him, as he deserved. That is why she had to lie. Lie to him and keep him far enough away. Lie to him to save him from damaged goods. Percy broke off the kiss, still holding her face firmly to make sure she was looking at him.
“Now, tell me one last truth. What did you feel? Just now, when I kissed you, what did your heart say?” His jaw was clenched for the answer, preparing himself for the worst.
“I felt nothing,” she lied hoping he would leave so she could break down.
“You are lying through your teeth and we both know it!” He said shaking slightly. He kissed her again, pushing her back against the wall so hard her hand was pulled off the knob by the sheer force.
“Percy,” she struggled against him. “Stop. Please, stop,” he only pressed on. She banged against his chest. His grip on her was too tight, painful. He pulled away.
“Say it. And I’ll leave you alone. Say it if you do not love me. But, only say it if you mean it. You will not get a second chance. Yes or no,” His entire body was shaking.
Kalli sighed. She had to lie to him again, and it had to seem like she really meant it. “Percy, I don’t love you. And I never
will.”
“Fine,” He backed away, freeing her from the wall. “Guess I will see you in class then,” he yanked open the door and disappeared.
“Yeah, see you,” she said to the deathly empty space in front of her as she slid to the floor, crying.
“Let me make a blind guess: something happened between you and Kalli?” Masashi had not failed to notice his overall depression. Percy slowly circled the room in deep thought, his face sharp and deadly yet filled with sadness and confusion.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” He said, returning immediately to his pacing without as much as a glance towards his roommate.
“Need to talk about it?” Masashi asked in his normal bored tone with a touch of legitimate concern.
“No, leave me be.”
“Fine with me, but can you at least stop walking in circles? It is aggravating,” Masashi flung his long legs onto his bed lightly laying his head on the pillow and staring at the ceiling.
Percy looked at his feet in surprise as if just realizing they were moving. “Sorry,” he too flopped onto his bed, trying not to think about the day.
“Why do you do this to yourself Kalli? It is getting ridiculous. What is the point of putting yourself through this kind of pain?” Kalli hadn’t moved or said a word in hours. Lupe’s phone beeped.
From: Masashi Sao – 9:32 p.m.
Percy’s a wreck. How’s Kalli? Do you know what happened? Percy’s not talking.
“It’s from Masashi,” she said to the still motionless Kalli. “He says Percy’s fine, but he’s concerned about you,” The lie came easy to her because of her intent behind it.
Kalli knew it was a lie. Percy was a mess and it was because of her harsh words.
“What do you want me to say to him? The truth? Or that you are fine?” With no response from Kalli she was getting really worried.
Sent To: Masashi Sao – 9:35 p.m.
I lied to her about Percy. I don’t want to upset her more. She hasn’t moved or said a word since I got in. She’s just curled into a ball by the door. It seems pretty bad. I’m not sure what to do. I would stay up with her to see if I could even get a grunt out of her, but I have a make-up class early tomorrow. I would not tell Percy she is bad, if he asks say she is fine or you don’t know. With any luck this will pass soon.
Lupe waited for a response. She watched Kalli. The only movement she saw was the slow rise and fall of her back and from time to time she would tremble slightly.
From: Masashi Sao – 9:37 p.m.
I understand. Go to sleep dear one. I think Percy has the same morning class because he just crashed. Let us pray that it is only a minor spat that will resolve itself. Goodnight parting. Sleep well.
Lupe let out a sigh. “Kalli honey, I’m going to sleep. Do you want me to help you get to bed? Or leave the light on?” No response yet. Lupe stood up and patted Kalli on the back before moving her arm. She tried to pull her up gently. But her arm was yanked from her grasp. “Kalli, you need to get some sleep. It will help you feel better. Everything will look better when the sun comes out.”
“Sleep here,” A meek voice rose from the creature.
“No you will not. I do not know what happened but I can guarantee a good night’s sleep in a bed will help. Now, come on!” Lupe pulled harder on Kalli’s arm.
Kalli was pulled limply from the floor. Lupe saw her eyes for the first time since she got to the dorm. They were bright red and agitated. The skin around them was swollen and puffy. How long has she been crying? “God, Kalli, you look like you have been through hell and back.” Kalli glared weakly at her but her energy level and heart level was so low it turned out to be a weak and slightly annoyed look. “Sorry, not funny. Can you walk?” Kalli nodded and tried to stand but her legs fell from underneath her. “Alright, Sorry Kal, I know you hate it, but up you go,” Lupe picked her up and carried her across the room placing her as lightly as possible on her bed. She tried to tuck her in but she was out of practice. Kalli was out within five minutes. Exhaustion of depression, Lupe had been waiting for it. Apparently whatever had happened between her and Percy had pushed her hard enough to send her over the edge. Not many people would have held onto sanity for as long as she did. Lupe imagined that Percy was the last thing she felt like she could hold onto for security. Kalli knew she could trust Percy, no matter what came her way. Whatever that had happened today must have shaken her hold and trust with him. Lupe had the morning class with Percy tomorrow. She was debating between beating the snot out of him, demanding what his problem was, and cursing at him in several different languages then kicking him out of Data Venia. But since she knew she probably wouldn’t do any of theat she would most likely end up icing him out until Kalli was better. Then demand to know what was wrong with him. “Goodnight dear Kalli. I am so sorry,” She whispered kissing her lightly on the forehead like her mother used to do when she was sick. “Please sleep well.”
***