The conversation stalled there. And even though no one exchanged sharp words or got angry, a tension remained. A tension that was rarely part of the Baxter family gatherings. The meeting came to an end, and the children joined them once more. Through dishes and dessert, nothing seemed the same.
For the rest of the night conversations between the adults seemed forced and unnaturally brief, no matter what John did to try to reclaim the mood. Within a few hours, everyone had gathered their children and headed home. The spirit of joy from earlier never quite resumed. John and Elaine were the last to leave. Ashley walked them to the door.
John hugged Ashley and then looked deep into her eyes. “I’m sorry, honey.” He sighed. “I ruined everything.”
“Honestly, you could’ve picked a better time.”
Her comment stung. “I thought it might be the only time we’d all be together before Christmas.”
Elaine looked uncomfortable. “I’ll be in the car.” She kissed Ashley’s cheek. “Beautiful dinner. We’ll talk soon.”
“Okay.” Ashley watched her go. When Elaine was in her car, Ashley shut the door and looked at her father again. “I mean, Dad . . . it’s still hard enough celebrating the holidays without Erin and Sam and the girls. But to think about having that . . . that woman here for Christmas?” Tears welled in her eyes. “It opens up all the awful hurt all over again.”
“I’m sorry.” John couldn’t find a way to make things right. “I guess we could’ve picked a better time to talk about it.”
Ashley crossed her arms. “Or maybe only you should meet her. No one else wanted this.” She wiped a tear from her cheek. “They’re going along with it, but they didn’t seek it out. Can you see that?”
John’s heart sank to another level. He hadn’t thought about that. “I don’t know what to say.”
A heaviness hung in the air between them. Finally Ashley took a slow, deep breath. “It’s not your fault. You think it’s the right thing to do.” She wiped at her tears again. “It divides us, that’s all. And I hate that.”
John pulled her into his arms. “I hate that too, honey.” He stepped back, his hands still on her shoulders. “Pray. That we’ll get through this together. Somehow.”
“We will.” She nodded. Her eyes grew softer. “I love you, Dad.”
“Love you, too.”
John thought about his conversation with Ashley on the drive home with Elaine. It was true. They would get through this. But he hated seeing her so upset. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he should’ve put the visit off until next year. John felt the sad heaviness straight through his soul. Either way, the decision had been made. He and the others were going to spend Christmas Eve with Kendra Bryant.
Whether Ashley and Luke and their families joined them or not.
CHAPTER SIX
All Thanksgiving Day, Connor thought his sister, Bailey, was acting strange. She and Brandon were more clingy, and several times Bailey was yawning when she should have been laughing.
“You okay?” Connor pulled her aside after dinner. “You seem tired.”
A smile lit up Bailey’s eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just . . . yeah, I’m a little tired. No big deal.”
Not until they were having dessert did the truth about Bailey’s tiredness come out. She and Brandon kept looking at each other and grinning and finally Brandon held up his glass of cider. “Bailey and I have some news we’d like to share.”
Connor watched his parents’ attention turn immediately to Bailey and Brandon. The other boys didn’t seem to catch on right away, but even they settled down long enough to listen.
“We found out earlier this week.” Bailey looked at Brandon and then back at their mom. “We’re going to have a baby!”
“What!” Their mother was on her feet, rushing around the table to Bailey and Brandon. She threw her arms around the two of them. “Are you serious? This is the best news!”
Connor and their dad were on their feet at the same time, also hurrying over to congratulate Bailey and Brandon, and the other boys did the same thing. Against a chorus of congratulations and questions about the due date, Bailey and Brandon beamed with joy.
“All day we wanted to tell you.” Bailey’s smile filled her face. “But we didn’t want to make dinner about us. So we decided to wait until now.”
“The baby’s due the middle of June.” Brandon eased his arm around Bailey’s shoulders. “She’s been tired, but usually only sick in the morning.”
The news was all they talked about for the rest of the night. Their mom shared how her pregnancies were all different, and Bailey talked about wanting a natural birth—as much as possible.
“That’s wonderful.” Their mother had moved next to Bailey at the table, and now she ran her hand over Bailey’s back. “Just keep an open mind about the process. If you need medical help, God will show you.”
As the conversation continued, Connor tried to grasp exactly what he was feeling. He was thrilled for his sister, obviously. A few months ago Bailey and Brandon had asked the family to pray. They’d been trying to have a baby for a year, so this was the greatest news. Definitely an answer.
But it was also a change.
For all their lives growing up, Bailey was his best friend. They did CKT together and stayed up late talking about life and relationships and God’s plans for their futures. Connor thought Brandon was the best guy ever, the perfect husband for Bailey. But a baby would take Bailey one step further from the days when she had time for Connor.
He brushed away his feelings. No one was happier for Bailey than he was. But how many years before he would find his wife? Before he would once again have more in common with his sister and best friend?
Half an hour later, Bailey found him in the kitchen doing dishes. “Hey . . . can you believe it?”
“No.” Connor grinned at her. “You still seem like you should be in high school.”
“And not like that was five years ago already.” Bailey grabbed a dishtowel and started drying.
“Exactly.” Connor shook his head. “I’m starting to feel like Mom and Dad. Always asking where the time goes.”
They both smiled, the moment appropriately pensive. “What about Maddie?” Bailey raised one eyebrow. “The two of you seem like you’re having a lot of fun.”
“We are.” Connor had thought about Maddie off and on throughout the day. “She’s amazing. But there’s something she’s holding back. I can’t figure it out.”
“Maybe she’s a little overwhelmed. You know . . . since you’re a college guy and all.”
Connor grinned. “I don’t know. I guess there’s no point really. After Christmas I’ll be busy at school and she’ll be here.”
“I don’t know about that.” Bailey finished her work and hung the towel on the handle of the dishwasher. “If me and Brandon found a way with him living his crazy life in L.A. and me here . . . then anything’s possible.”
“Not everyone gets what you and Brandon have.”
“Connor!” Bailey looked like she wasn’t sure how to take his statement. “Tell me you’re kidding. You’re only nineteen years old. Whoever she is, she’s out there. And when you find her, you won’t have any doubts. Okay?”
“Okay.” Connor smiled and gave his sister a quick hug. “You’re right.”
“I am.” She looked straight into his eyes. “God’s plans for you will be different than mine. But they’ll be perfect for you.”
Her talk encouraged him, and that night after Bailey and Brandon left, Connor went outside on the back deck and called Maddie. He shivered while her phone rang.
She answered just before the call went to voicemail. “Hello?”
“Maddie. It’s me.” Connor was suddenly not sure what to say. The cold air took his breath for a moment. “Happy Thanksgiving.”
“Thanks.” She sounded slightly uncomfortable. As if she was working at what to say next.
“Who’d you have dinner with? Just you and your parents and your sis
ter?” Connor paced the length of the deck. Why did this feel so difficult?
“No. We went to my aunt’s house. All my aunts and uncles and cousins were there. I think it was like twenty-seven of us.”
“Wow.” Connor thought about telling her Bailey’s news, but he changed his mind. Bailey might not want it public yet. “So you had a good time?”
“We did. How about you?” There was the sound of a girl’s voice in the distance. She seemed to be talking loud.
“It was good.” Connor stopped and stared at the snowy backyard. “Just the nine of us. But we had fun. Best turkey my mom ever made.” He heard the voice again. “Do you have friends over?”
“No. That’s my sister.” Maddie must’ve moved to another spot in her house because the background sounds faded.
“Oh.” Again the conversation felt stuck. Which was strange, because the first few days during auditions, he had felt a crazy chemistry between them. “So . . . tomorrow maybe we can have coffee again? Or are you doing the whole Black Friday thing?”
“We used to do that. Get up early. Hit the sales.” She paused. “Not anymore. Anyway . . . I can’t do coffee. I’m helping my mom decorate for Christmas.”
“Got it. Okay.” Connor raked his fingers through his hair and stared at the starless sky overhead. “Maddie . . . is everything okay?”
“It’s fine. Sorry.” She sighed. “I just . . . I need to get going. Thanks for the call.”
“Okay.” Connor told her goodbye and hung up the phone. Well, God . . . that’s that. Maddie clearly isn’t the girl for me.
He slipped his phone into his pocket and headed inside to finish helping his brothers with the cleanup. But even though Maddie hadn’t seemed interested, Connor couldn’t stop thinking about her. When he went to bed that night, the last thought on his mind wasn’t some happy memory of Thanksgiving or even his sister’s wonderful news.
It was the face of Maddie West. A girl who had worked her way into his heart.
Whether he liked it or not.
Maddie lay on her bed, her face buried in her pillow. She had treated Connor terribly, and now all she wanted was to call him and tell him every reason why she’d been so unkind. It wasn’t his fault. She simply had no room in her heart for a boy like Connor.
Better to end things now. Before they started.
She’d been fighting tears since she hung up the phone, and now she felt someone standing by her bedside. “Maddie?”
It was her mother. She rolled onto her side and looked up.
“Honey . . . what’s wrong?” Her mom sat on the edge of her bed and touched the side of Maddie’s face. “You’ve been crying?”
“I’m sorry. I’m trying not to.” Maddie sat up and pulled one knee to her chest. “Today was the best Thanksgiving. Really.”
“So what is it?” Her mom’s eyes showed concern. “Are you missing Aunt Erin?”
“No. I mean, yes. Of course. It’s just . . . Connor called me. He wanted to get coffee tomorrow but I told him no.”
For a few seconds, Maddie’s mother waited. As if she were trying to make sense of the situation. “All right . . . so . . . you meant to say yes?”
“No.” Fresh tears filled Maddie’s eyes. “I mean, yes. But I can’t.” She’d held on to this for long enough. Then she fell into her mom’s arms and leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder. “Can I tell you something? Just between us?”
“Of course.” Her mom ran her hand along Maddie’s hair and the back of her head. “I’m here, sweetheart. Whenever you need anything.”
“Okay. We need privacy.” Maddie reached for a tissue on her nightstand as her mom closed the door. “Hayley can never hear this.”
“Okay.” Her mother returned to the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong?”
She sniffed a few times. “It’s about Hayley. I never . . . wanted to talk about it. But I don’t feel like I can move forward unless I do.”
“About Hayley?”
“Yes.” Maddie took a few breaths and looked into her mother’s eyes. With everything in her she wanted to tell her mom the truth. How she had done something she had lived with every day since, and how because of that she believed Hayley’s accident was her fault, and how she had lived with guilt and regret every day.
But she couldn’t make the words come.
Instead she stuck with the same thing she’d talked about before. “I keep thinking about . . . how it’s not fair that I get to live happy and normal and Hayley . . . she struggles. It’s not right.” Maddie wiped the new tears from the corners of her eyes. “Why can’t God heal her?”
“Oh, honey.” Her mom hugged her again. “He has healed her.”
“Mom, she’s not the same as other—”
“Maddie, don’t you remember?” A new passion flared in her mother’s eyes. “Hayley was never supposed to walk again. Never supposed to see or talk or ride a bike. Three months after the accident she could see me. Her doctor said it was a miracle, that there was no explanation for that. And a year later when she rode her bike . . .” Tears filled her eyes. “Hayley is walking proof of God’s power. If she’s different, it’s for His glory. Because she should still be lying in a hospital bed.”
“Mom.” Chills ran down Maddie’s arms and legs. “I didn’t know that.” She tried to picture Hayley wasting away in a bed, unable to see or talk or walk. This was something their family never talked about. Maddie narrowed her eyes. “Is that what they told you? When she was in the hospital?”
“Yes. They said she’d never get out of bed, Maddie. And so we begged God for a miracle. And God gave us just that. Beyond what we could’ve asked for or imagined. Your sister is healthier than we ever dreamed she’d be.”
Maddie thought about that for a long moment. How Hayley was able to attend school and read and even polish silver. “They thought she’d never get out of bed?” Why hadn’t she known this before? “I keep wishing God would help her. I didn’t know . . . He already has.”
“Well . . . now you know.” Her mom smiled. “Let’s pray.”
Maddie nodded. This was something they hadn’t done together in a long time. She and her mom held hands and prayed—that Maddie would feel God’s peace, and that she would know the reality of Hayley’s still-unfolding miracle.
When they finished, her mom stood. “I’m glad we talked.”
“Me, too.” Maddie remembered to smile. If only she felt better. “Love you, Mom.”
“Love you more.” She put her hand alongside Maddie’s face and then she left.
The talk with her mother should’ve made Maddie feel less guilt about Hayley. But it didn’t. That night as she fell asleep she thought about all God had done to heal her sister. How differently her life might have turned out if the doctors had been right. But she was still plagued by the reality—the fact that Hayley wouldn’t have been injured at all if Maddie had only done her part. The details she hadn’t shared. Because she still couldn’t tell her mother the truth.
Let alone Connor Flanigan.
The thought of him made her smile. A dreamy kind of smile she’d never known before. It felt so good to be with him, to laugh with him. If she could, she’d hang out with him every day. But she couldn’t.
Not now. Not ever.
Which meant that when Connor returned from Liberty for Christmas break, Maddie would have to do a better job of keeping her distance.
Because a lifetime would never be long enough to pay the price for what she’d done to Hayley.
Even if back then Maddie had only been a little girl.
CHAPTER SEVEN
An icy wind made its way through Bloomington the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but it didn’t stop Ashley and Landon and their kids from making their way to Lander’s Tree Farm just outside town. The place where most of the Baxters went each year to pick out Christmas trees for their respective homes.
Ashley and Landon led their family to the lobby first, where Kari and Ryan and their children were already hol
ding two tables. Kari stood and hugged Ashley. “It’s freezing out there.”
“I told her to stay in here.” Cole nodded to his uncle Ryan. “The men can get the trees this year.” He grinned. “After hot chocolate, that is.”
Ashley kept her scarf and gloves in place. “Might be a good idea.”
Ryan and Landon and Cole left the table and got in line. Hot chocolate and home-baked cookies were part of the tradition. Ashley took the seat next to Kari, as Amy and Devin and Janessa squeezed in between Kari’s kids.
“Have you heard from Luke?” Kari kept her voice low. “I don’t think he’s coming today.”
“It’s a hike.” Ashley didn’t want to believe their brother’s absence was because of the Christmas Eve decision. “Twice here from Indianapolis in one weekend.”
“They did it last year.” Kari frowned. “I just hate the tension. Especially from him.”
“I know.” Ashley caught Amy watching from across the table. She dropped her voice a level. “Let’s talk about it later.”
Their father and Elaine entered the lobby. Like the others, they were bundled in winter gear. John unwrapped his scarf from his face as he approached them. “More snow in the forecast. Could be the coldest winter in a long time.”
“Perfect for getting a Christmas tree.” RJ grinned at his cousin Devin. “Plus we’re mountain men. We’re used to the cold.”
“Exactly.” Devin was a year younger than RJ, but both of them were in third grade at Clear Creek Elementary School. “I like Cole’s idea. Girls stay inside and keep warm. Us boys can do the work.”
“But what if we want to help pick out the tree?” Amy giggled at the boys. “Every mountain man needs a mountain woman.”
Brooke and Peter and their girls arrived and after everyone had hot chocolate and cookies, they set out together to find their trees. The wind had died down so no one stayed behind. As the group set out, Ashley and Landon trailed along behind the others.
“Doesn’t he get it?” Ashley felt her frustration rise to the surface again. “He didn’t even ask about Luke. Which just isn’t normal.”