“I’ll crash him the first time he tries to land!”
“Dora, stop being a nitwit. If we ever did lose you—most unlikely—and the twins could not rescue you but could rescue me—then if you’ve taken care of yourself, no crash landing or any other foolishness—we’ll find you, we’ll get you back. All three of us. No matter how many years it takes. Laz? Lori?”
“You bet! ‘One for all, all for one!’ And it’s not just us four, Dora; it’s the whole family—all the adults, all nine kids —might be more by then—and Athene. Brother, when Ira moved that we all take the last name of ‘Long,’ I liked it so much I couldn’t cry hard enough. Sis, you’re ‘Dora Long’—and the Longs don’t let each other down!”
“I feel better,” the computer admitted, with a sniffle.
“You never had anything to feel bad about, Dora,” Lazarus continued. “You started this by insisting that my precautions were unnecessary. So I dreamed up a situation in which they would be necessary . . especially so if the twins could not get at the programs you left with Athene—in which case they might have to fall back on time markers and recalibrate. So I had ’em stuck on another planet and flat broke . . so the first problem is to lay hands on money. Think you could do it, girls? In a hundred years? Without being caught in something that would put you in still more of a jam?”
The twins glanced at each other. “Lor?”
“Of course, Laz. Brother, that’s when we open our hook shop over a pool hall. Or somewhere.”
Lazarus said, “I don’t think you two have the true vocation. And your noses are regrettably like mine. Homely, that is.”
“Our noses are an asset—”
“—because they do make us look like you—”
“—so what is common gossip by now but unbelievable—”
“—becomes quite believable once a client gets a look at us—”
“—and aside from noses, we look pretty good—”
“—‘built like brick outhouses,’you told us—”
“—and natural redheads, which Tammy says is cash in the bank—”
“—and looking just alike but we can give ’em variety—”
“—just by one of us not using a depilatory—”
“—which will make us a great sister act at very high prices; Maggie said so—”
“—and if you think being horny isn’t enough true vocation—”
“—which may be true and we concede that we’ll never be the great artist Tammy is, nevertheless—”
“—New Rome is going to be amazed at how intense our vocation is—”
“—when our brother’s safety is at stake!”
Lazarus took a deep breath. “Thank you, darlings. While you’ll probably take a fling at it someday, I hope that you won’t need to do it to rescue me. I’m counting more on your mathematical ability and your skill as shiphandlers than I am on your undeniable physical and spiritual beauty.”
“Did you hear that, Lor? That time he added ‘spiritual.’ ”
“I think he meant it.”
“I hope so. It’s even nicer than being told we have tits as pretty as Minerva’s. Which we don’t, quite.”
“Yes, you do,” their brother said absently. “Let’s get back to landmarks and such.”
“I think you ought to kiss them,” said Dora.
“Later. Now look, kids, prime rendezvous, exactly ten T-years after you drop me—although you drop Andy’s body first. How? Laz or Lor—not Dora. Of course you know all this, Dora; this review is for flesh-and-bloods. Fallible. Laz?”
“Have Dora unfreeze him and bring his body up almost to cremation temperature and put him into atmosphere on a long slant just under orbital speed so that it will burn up, or almost, before it hits . . and figure the ballistic to hit the mountains in case he’s not quite burned up—because we don’t want to hurt anybody.”
“What mountains and how do you find them? Lor?”
“These right here. Prime landmark, this big river that drains the central valley. Where this other big river comes in from the west is our north landmark, the gulf they wind up in is the south landmark—no landmark on the west. Arkansas is about the middle of that bracket. The Ozark Mountains are the only mountains in the bracket—but shoot for the south side of the mountains, this escarpment; the north side is not Arkansas. Brother, why does that matter?”
“Sentiment, Lorelei. As far as Andy traveled and as little time as he spent on Earth, he was always homesick for his boning place. The only song he knew was one with a refrain of ‘Arkansaw, Arkansaw, I adore thee!’ I used to get sick of it. But I promised him I would take his body back to Arkansas and it seemed to comfort him when he died—so we’ll do it. Who knows? Maybe the sweet little guy will know it . . and it’s worth the trouble to carry out his last wishes. Prime rendezvous landmarks?”
“This big canyon,” answered Lapis Lazuli. “Follow it to the east and drop south—this round black dot. A meteor impact crater. No dependable landmarks visible from orbit and good any century but this canyon—biggest on Earth. So we memorize the spatial relationship between canyon and crater so that we can spot it from any angle. If the light is right.”
Dora said, “I’m sure I can see it in pitch-darkness.”
“Dora honey, this drill is based on the pessimistic assumption that Ellandell might have to find it without your help. I want them to know the geography of Terra so well that they won’t have to ground and look for a road sign. No close approaches to the ground at a//—except to put me down and pick me up. I don’t want to start a flying-saucer scare; I don’t want to attract any attention—some yokel might take a shot at me. It’s unfortunate that this ship is shaped such that ‘flying saucer’ isn’t too bad a description.”
“What’s the matter with the way I look?” demanded Dora. “I look pretty damn good!”
“Dear, you’re built like a brick outhouse—for a starship. You’re beautiful. It’s simply that unidentified flying objects—oofohs—were also called ‘flying saucers.’ I don’t believe in paradoxes . . but I don’t want any attention.”
“Brother, maybe we are one of those oofohs you told us about.”
“Huh? Could be, I suppose. If so, let’s not get shot at. I want a quiet trip. If everything goes well, we can talk about letting one of you get on the ground with me next trip . . though durned if I don’t think a stacked redhead is more conspicuous than an unidentified flying object. Okay, the crater. I intend to be there, before sundown and after sunrise, from minus ten days to plus ten days at plus ten years. If I’m not there, what do you do?”
Lapis Lazuli answered, “Look for you half a T-year later on top of the biggest pyramid at Gizeh—that’s here—at midnight . . only this time we scan for you minus thirty days through plus thirty because you aren’t certain when you can get there and may be able to manage it only once—bribes and things. Brother, do we go out half a light-year and reenter the time axis? Or stay in orbit and wait?”
“That’s up to you. I won’t use the Egyptian rendezvous unless I’ve pulled some goof that makes it unhealthy for me to meet you in Arizona. If I miss both dates, what do you do? Lori?”
“Look for you again both places at eleven years and eleven and a half years.”
“Then what?”
Lorelei glanced at her sister. “Brother, this part we don’t go along with—”
“—and that goes for Dora, too—”
“It sure does!”
“—because we won’t assume that you’re dead—”
“—no matter how many times you miss rendezvous—”
“—so we start checking both spots day after day—”
“—and night after night—”
“—and over nine hours’ local time difference means some weird partial orbits to check sunrise and sundown in Arizona and still check midnights in Egypt—”
“—but Dora can do it—”
“You bet I can!”
“—and we
’ll keep looking for you day after day—”
“—and year after year—”
“—until you do show up. Sir.”
“Captain Lorelei, if I miss four rendezvous dates, I’m dead. You must assume that. Shall I put it in writing?”
“Commodore Long, if you’re dead, you can’t give orders. That’s logical.”
“If you assume that I am not dead, then my orders still apply. . and you must give up the search. By the same logic.”
“Sir, if you are out of the ship and out of touch, then you are hardly in a position to give any orders. But if you want to be picked up, there will be daily service from drop time plus eleven-and-one-half T-years on—”
“—and on and on and on, because that’s what we promised the family—”
“—even though we’ll have to run home occasionally for rejuvenation—”
“—and to have babies, but neither of those will take any time in that time framework . . as you pointed out in another connection.”
“Mutiny.”
The twins glanced at each other. “I’ll take it, Laz; I have to—odd-numbered day. Commodore, as you taught us before you ever let either of us take command in space, a commodore is actually a passenger because a ship’s master cannot give up even a little bit of her total responsibility. So ‘mutiny’ is not a word that can apply.”
Lazarus sighed. “I’ve raised a couple of blinkin’ space lawyers.”
“Brother, that’s what you taught us. You did.”
“Okay, I did. You win the argument. But it’s silly to talk about checking every day for year after year indefinitely. I’ve never seen the prison I couldn’t escape from in less than a year —and I’ve been in quite a number. Maybe I should cancel the whole caper—no, no, I won’t argue it! Now about time markers, if something forces you to recalibrate: Simple enough to ground and find out the exact Gregorian date . . but that’s exactly what I don’t want you to do . . because neither of you has any experience in coping with strange cultures—and you would get in trouble and I wouldn’t be around to get you out.”
“Brother, do you think we are that stupid?”
“No, Laz, I do not think you are stupid. You each have exactly the brain potential I started with—and I’m not stupid or I would not have lived so long. Furthermore, you each have enormously better educations than I had at your age. But, darlings, these are the Dark Ages we’re talking about. You two have been brought up to expect rational treatment . . which you wouldn’t receive. I don’t dare let you put foot to ground in that era, even with me at your side, until after I have coached you endlessly in how to be consistently irrational in what you do and say. Truly.”
Lazarus continued, “Never mind, you have two ways to read the clock from space. One is the Libby method, tedious but workable, by reading positions of the Solar System’s planets. The trouble with that one is that, unless you spend one devilish long time on difficult observations, you can mistake a configuration for one almost like it—but several thousand years earlier or later.
“So we use what time marks we can find on the surface of Terra herself. The radioactive dating of that impact crater is probably close—but in any case, if the crater is missing, you’re too early by some centuries. The dates for the building of the Great Wall of China are quite good, same for the Egyptian pyramids. The dates for the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal are exact—so, unfortunately, is the date of the destruction of Europe—but don’t try to watch it! Keep your screens up and get out fast; that is a year when a strange spaceship would be shot out of the sky if you were careless enough to be vulnerable. In fact, if any time marker on this list shows that you are later than 1940 Gregorian, get out at once!—and shoot for an earlier date.
“That’s enough for now; it’s getting toward bedtime by my sort of time, irrelevant though it may be to anything outside this ship. I want you to study all this stuff until you can recite it in your sleep, dates and what you look for and how to find it—even if you don’t have a Terra globe to look at. Anybody think she can beat me at crib? Don’t all speak at once.”
“I can,” said Dora, “if you promise not to cheat on the shuffle.”
“Later, Dora,” said Captain Lorelei. “Now we tell him.”
“Oh! All right, I’ll be very quiet.”
“Tell me what?” demanded Lazarus.
“That it’s time for you to impregnate us . . Lazarus.”
“Both of us,” agreed Lapis Lazuli.
Lazarus counted ten chimpanzees in his mind—then ten more. “Absolutely out of the question!”
They glanced at each other. Lorelei said:
“We knew you would say that—”
“—but the only question is whether you do it sweet and friendlylike—”
“—or we tell Ish you said No and she does it for us—your sperm—from the sperm bank—”
“—but we’d be much happier if our beloved brother, who has always been good to us—”
“—but is now going to go get his ass shot off in the Dark Ages—”
“—were to drop his silly prejudices just once—”
“—and treat us as biologically mature females—”
“—instead of the children we used to be—”
“—Ira and Galahad and Justin don’t treat us as children—”
“—but you do and it’s not just humiliating; it’s downright heartbreaking when we may never see you again—”
“—when you didn’t make any real fuss about knocking up Minerva—”
“—not to mention Tammy and Hamadarling and Ish—”
“Stop it!”
They stopped.
“I concede a remote possibility with respect to three of them, although mathematically most unlikely.”
Lorelei said quietly, “Mathematically extremely likely, Lazarus, because we were all in on it. Justin and Ira and Galahad hung back at the right times just the way they insured that Minerva’s first baby was Ira’s and Tammy’s first was Justin’s. But if it did not work out—for any one of four, not ‘three’—then Ishtar will correct it from the sperm bank.”
“I’m not in the sperm bank!”
The girls exchanged glances. Lapis Lazuli said, “Want to bet?”
The computer said, “It’s a sucker bet, Buddy.”
Lazarus looked thoughtful. “Unless Ishtar tricked me almost twenty years back. When I was her rejuve client.”
Lorelei said quietly, “I suppose she could have, Lazarus. But she did not, that I know of—and this is fresh sperm. Frozen not more than a year ago, any of it. After the day you announced a date for this trip.”
“Impossible.”
“Better not say ‘Impossible.’ What is the perfect container for keeping sperm fresh and alive until a technician can bank it?”
Lazarus looked very thoughtful. “Well . . I’ll . . be . . damned!”
“Correct, Brother. Place a woman around it. You were being oh so careful to pick your bedmates by their cycles so that you wouldn’t leave any babies behind . . and they were being oh so careful to see Ish or Galahad as soon as you fell asleep . . as well as fudging calendars, too. The point is, beloved brother of ours, you don’t own your genes—nobody does. We’ve heard you say so, in discussing how Minerva was constructed. Genes belong to the race; they’re simply lent to the individual for his-her lifetime. And all of us—knowing you were going to try this reckless thing—decided that, while you were free to throw away your life, you weren’t free to waste a unique gene pattern.”
Lazarus changed the subject. “Why do you say ‘four’?”
Lorelei answered, “Brother, are you ashamed of Minerva? I do not believe it. Nor does Laz.”
“Uh—No, I’m not ashamed of her, I’m proud of her! Damn it, you two have always been able to get me mixed up. I simply did not know that she had told anyone. I have not.”
The other twin said, “Who would she turn to but us?”
“You mean ‘To whom would
she turn.’ ”
“Damn it, Brother, this is a hell of a time to be correcting our grammar! Minerva turned to us for advice—and comfort! —because we’re in the same difficult position with respect to you that she is. That she was, I mean, for she came out of the bushes looking as smug as a cat. You made her happy—”
“—when she had been crying her eyes out—”
“—and she’ll stay happy now, even if she missed catching—”
“—because once is enough for a symbol and if she missed—”
“Ish will fix it—”
“—and of course we knew about it when you finally quit dithering and did what you should have done for her years ago—”
“—because we helped rig it so that she could get you alone and twist your arm—”
“—and told her that if tears weren’t enough, to chuck in some chin quivering—”
“—and it worked and she’s happy—”
“—but we’re not so damned happy, not at all, but we won’t cry at you—”
“—or quiver our chins; that’s childish. If you won’t do it simply because you love us—”
“—then the hell with it and we probably won’t even fall back on the sperm bank. Instead—”
“—it might be better to have Ish sterilize us—”
“—permanently—not just offset fertility temporarily—”
“—and quit being females, since we’re failures at it—”
“STOP IT! If you’re not going to cry at me, what are all those tears for?”
Lapis Lazuli said with quiet dignity, “Those aren’t weeping tears, Brother; they come from sheer exasperation. Come on, Lor; we’ve swung and we’ve missed—let’s go to bed.”
“Coming, Sister.”
“If the Commodore will excuse us?”
“He damn well won’t! Sit back down. Girls, can we talk about this quietly without you two whipsawing me?”
The two young women sat back down. Captain Lorelei glanced at her sister and said, “Laz agrees that I will speak for us both. No whipsawing.”
Lazarus said thoughtfully, “Do you two run your brains in tandem or in parallel?”