Peter’s Twittclass
Peter Barns
Copyright 2012 Peter Barns
This novel is a work of fiction. The names, characters and events portrayed are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
To Sheree Sartain
for all her patience
Contents
Twittclass 01
Twittclass 02
Twittclass 03
Twittclass 04
Twittclass 05
Twittclass 06
Twittclass 07
Twittclass 08
Twittclass 09
Twittclass 10
Twittclass 11
Twittclass 12
Twittclass 13
Twittclass 14
Twittclass 15
Twittclass 16
Twittclass 17
Twittclass 18
Twittclass 19
Twittclass 20
Twittclass 21
Twittclass 22
Twittclass 23
Twittclass 24
Twittclass 25
Twittclass 26
Twittclass 27
Twittclass 28
Twittclass 29
Twittclass 30
About the Author
Twittclass 01
“When you start shaving with toothpaste you know its time to visit the optician.”
Peter Barns June 2010
Charlie was the tightest man
He’d never spend a cent.
He’d scrimp and save
And go without.
Not even pay his rent.
His wife, frustrated, said to him,
“Now Charlie this must stop.
You’re now so blind
That you can’t see.
Go down the glasses shop.”
But Charlie didn’t think he was,
And money would not waste.
Until one day
He washed himself
Then shaved with his toothpaste.
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Twittclass 02
“If you mend your specs with super glue, make sure they’re dry BEFORE placing them on your head.”
Sheree Sartain June 2012
Giles was not a patient man,
Always dashing here and there,
So when he glued his glasses up,
He stuck them to his stringy hair.
Giles tugged and tugged to no avail,
Using words I won’t disclose,
The stupid glasses would not budge,
Stayed firmly stuck upon his nose.
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Twittclass 03
“Don’t pick your nose with a pencil, people will try to look up it to see what you’ve drawn.”
Peter Barns June 2011
Peter was a dirty boy,
who picked and picked his nose.
Picked away so very much,
he nearly reached his toes.
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Twittclass 04
“Never paint your toenails with a 2” paint brush.”
Peter Barns August 2011
Wendy, always in a rush,
Did her nails with a 2” brush.
Now she’s looking oh so sad,
Because her toes look oh so bad.
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Twittclass 05
“Shower with your pants and socks on and save wear and tear on the washing machine.”
Peter Barns September 2011
Stanley was a lazy lad,
Slightly thick and rather sad.
So when his mother told him, “Go,
Wash you’re clothes and don’t forgo,
The elbow grease for when you scrub.
Go now and do it in the tub.”
But Stanley didn’t want to scour,
Stood instead beneath the shower.
Then hung his body out to dry,
Beneath a blue and sunny sky.
When dried at last, was in a funk,
Poor Stanley found that he had shrunk.
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Twittclass 06
“No matter what she says, don’t be fooled into putting your balls in the tumble dryer.”
Peter Barns October 2011
“Oh doctor,” said poor Reggie Cryer,
“I got my balls caught in the dryer.
Now they’re really black and blue.
Please tell me doc, what should I do?”
“Well Reggie,” answered Dr Flum,
Looking sad and rather glum,
“This really is all new to me,
I’ve never spun my balls you see.”
Then in a voice, extremely posh
Said, “Reggie lad, next time you wash,
It may be best to use some pegs,
And keep your balls between your legs.”
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Twittclass 07
“Never upset Sheree Sartain when she’s whipping cream!”
Peter Barns November 2011
Now Sheree is a lovely girl,
I tell you, I don’t joke.
But when she has her temper up,
My eye she’s prone to poke.
The other day I said to her,
“My dear, I had a dream.
It really was a pleasant one.
If o’er a tad extreme.”
She looked askance as I confessed
My love for fluffy cream:
“Oh it’s the best, rubbed on my chest, ,
From a pot of Plasticine.”
But dream or no, my big mistake,
Was telling her - of course.
For now we’re parted. She has gone
And got a quick divorce.
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Twittclass 08
“Never stand on a high wall when you’re cutting your toenails.”
Peter Barns December 2011
Dim Dim Rumpty stood on a wall
Dim Dim Rumpty had a great fall
‘cause Dim Dim Rumpty
He never fails
To stand on that wall while cutting his nails
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Twittclass 09
“Never pick your nose if you have a fork in your hand.”
Peter Barns January 2012
While eating lunch,
Or maybe brunch,
My fork help rather high.
If I picked my nose,
Do you suppose,
I’d stab it in my eye?
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Twittclass 10
“Never try removing your bum hair with a lighter.”
Peter Barns February 2012