'All alone, love? In you go.' Purple Bouncer smiled and waved me inside.
I looked around desperately. I couldn't go in without Jaxon and the others. I didn't have a clue where I was meant to go once I was inside or what I was meant to do.
'Are you going in or not?' said Blue Bouncer im-patiently. 'You're holding up the queue.'
And then I saw the guys running towards me.
'Where did you park?' I asked. 'The other end of the country?'
'It's no joke trying to park around here,' Jaxon told me.
We all started to go in together. The bouncers leapt in front of us.
'It's OK,' I told them. 'We're all together.'
'They're not coming in here,' Purple Bouncer told me.
'Excuse me?'
Purple Bouncer looked at me with undisguised disdain. 'They can't come in here. You can. They can't.'
'Why not?'
'Those are the rules,' said Blue Bouncer, adding for my benefit, 'Maybe you should select your . . . friends with more care.'
'Listen, you tosser, we're booked to play here tonight,' said Jaxon. 'We're the entertainment.'
The bouncers exchanged a look. 'You'll have to go in round the back.'
'So we can sing here, but we can't dance or drink here? We can't even enter through the front door. Is that it?' Jaxon asked furiously.
'Those are the rules,' Blue Bouncer repeated.
I was about to tell him exactly what he could do with his rules when he added, 'Are you part of this band then?'
'Yes, I am,' I said through gritted teeth.
'Well, you can come in this way. But you others will have to go round the back,' said Blue Bouncer.
I stared up at him, speechless.
'Come on, Jaxon,' said Rhino, cold, hard resignation in his voice. 'We need this gig – remember?'
Sonny, Rhino and Jaxon headed off without even waiting for me. They'd just taken it for granted that I'd go through the front entrance and leave them to find the back door. So I went through the front entrance. But I wasn't going to leave it there. No way was this the end of it.
'Are any other bands due to sing tonight?' I asked the bouncers from over the club threshold.
'Yeah, one other. But they've already arrived,' said Purple Bouncer. 'They're in the changing room behind the stage.'
'Where can I find the owner of the club?' I asked with a smile.
Blue Bouncer looked me up and down then obviously decided I was too weedy to pose any real threat. 'Mr Kosslick is in his office – the room above the bar. But he doesn't like to see anyone without an appointment.'
'Oh, don't worry. I'll certainly make it worth his while,' I said silkily.
I walked into the club. There were toilets to one side of the corridor and a cloakroom on the other, with Nought staff to take the coats. The double doors straight ahead revealed an open space beyond with a dance floor. On the other side of the dance floor was a raised stage with tables and chairs all around the edges of the room. Spotlights lit up the stage and the dance floor. Against the far left wall was a long bar which was already doing a roaring trade, if the number of people standing over there waiting to be served was any indication. Most of the bar staff were Noughts, as were most of the waiters and waitresses as far as I could see. I looked above the bar. Two large lit windows looked out over the people below, like the eyes of some predatory animal. But from where I was standing, it was hard to see past the windows as the blinds in the office were semi-closed.
I made my way to the bar, working out en route that the stairs were to the left of and slightly behind the bar. I waited until the bartenders were busy then ran up the uncarpeted stairs. I knocked on the door and waited. A few seconds later, the door opened.
'Mr Kosslick?'
'Yes?' A Cross man in a quiet but very expensive suit opened the door.
'I'm Ridan.' I put out my hand.
He shook it even though he obviously didn't have a clue who I was.
'What a lovely office,' I said, brushing past him before he could protest.
'Can I help you?' he asked, shutting the door behind him.
My heart was pounding by now but I was going to go through with this. Nothing could make me back out now.
'Well, I was hoping we'd be able to help each other.' I turned to him with a smile.
'Oh yes?'
I'd definitely aroused his curiosity now. He looked me up and down. And I let him do it. I knew I looked good. My figure was right back to what it'd been before I'd got pregnant, except for my breasts. They were still two sizes bigger than normal but this git wasn't about to complain. I was wearing black jeans and a silver-coloured top and my make-up had been carefully applied-to instil confidence if nothing else.
'I'm with the Midges,' I explained. At his blank look, I continued, 'One of the groups you hired to sing for you this evening?'
'Oh yes,' said Mr Kosslick. 'You've got three blankers backing you up as I understand it.'
Careful to keep the smile on my face, I replied, 'Yes, that's right. That's why I'm here actually.'
'I'm listening.'
'Well, Mr Kosslick. . .' I sat on the edge of his vast table and crossed my legs. I stuck out my chest and hoped fervently that the breast pads wouldn't slip out of my bra before I'd finished. 'I was wondering if I could pick up our fee for the night now?'
'Why?' Mr Kosslick's smile vanished.
'If I tell you, d'you promise you won't think badly of me,' I asked coyly.
'I doubt if I could do that,' said Mr Kosslick, but he still looked suspicious.
'It's just that, well, I want to be a solo singer. But a girl has to start somewhere,' I began. 'So I was thinking that once you've heard me sing, if you like what you hear – and see – then maybe you could sign me up to sing regularly in your club. Without the others – if you follow my drift.'
'Oh, I'm way ahead of you,' smiled Mr Kosslick.
I doubt that, I thought sourly. But I kept on smiling.
'But that still doesn't explain why you need your fee up front,' he continued. 'That's not how I do business.'
'Oh and I can understand why if you're dealing with . . . blankers. But I'm a Cross, Mr Kosslick, so I'm not about to run out on you,' I said. 'I know you'll want me once you've seen me sing, so I want to tell the guys that I'm gone once we've finished our set. I thought if I could pay them off immediately then they won't come up here and cause any trouble.'
When Mr Kosslick opened his mouth to argue, I rushed on. 'I'm sure you can take care of yourself and you've got those lovely, muscled bouncers on the door but I don't want to cause you any more trouble than necessary. Otherwise you might change your mind about hiring me.'
'I see.'
'Please, Mr Kosslick. You won't regret it, I promise,' I said, trying to make my expression as vacuous as possible. 'I'll make sure the guys get paid off and they head out the back door like meek little lambs. Deal?'
'I don't know . . .'
'I really can sing,' I carried on. 'D'you want me to prove it for you here and now? 'Cause I will.'
'Go on then.' Mr Kosslick sat back in his chair.
My heart sank. I was afraid he'd say that.
'Anything in particular you want me to sing for you?' I asked, trying to muster my courage, which seemed to be oozing out of every pore in my body.
Mr Kosslick considered. 'Sing Fantasy.'
This wasn't what I'd been planning at all, but I could hardly back out now. Ignoring the elephants stampeding through my stomach, I took a deep breath and started. I'd got the first verse and chorus out of the way before I realized that Mr Kosslick's frown was deepening. I trailed off, my heart thumping.
'What's the matter?' I asked.
'This is a nightclub, not a CD-player,' he told me.
'I'm not with you.'
'You've got a voice, but what about the rest? You've got to move, dance, do something to show a little stage presence,' Mr Kosslick told me. 'Otherwise you might as well be a song
on the radio.'
'I see,' I said. And I did see. 'Can I start again?'
'Go on then.' Mr Kosslick now looked distinctly unimpressed.
I took another deep breath, smiled at him and started singing. But this time I moved with it. I swayed and danced along to my own singing, pretending I was a real pop star in front of a crowd of adoring fans. And I got into it surprisingly quickly. But then I'm good at pretending. Always have been. This time, I finished the song. And by the time I got to the end, Mr Kosslick was grinning at me.
'That's more like it,' said Mr Kosslick. 'Come and see me after your set and we'll sort out your contract.'
'So I can sing at your club on a regular basis?' My surprise wasn't feigned.
'Of course. You have a great voice,' he told me. 'You still need a lot of work with your delivery but I can help with that. Once you've signed up with me, we can get down to some serious work. You've definitely got something . . . I'll send you for singing and dancing lessons and teach you everything you need to know. You won't learn a damned thing hanging around with blankers.'
'Thanks, Mr Kosslick,' I smiled. 'I won't let you down.'
He opened a drawer and threw a plain brown envelope at me with The Midges written on it in spidery writing.
'Thanks ever so much,' I grinned.
'Here's a little extra something just for you,' said Mr Kosslick, digging into his pocket and pulling out a couple of extra notes. 'And once you've signed on with me, there'll be plenty more where that came from.'
'You won't be disappointed, Mr Kosslick,' I said, fluttering my eyelashes.
Clutching the envelope in one hand and my bonus in the other, I made my way out of the office and down the stairs, knowing full well he was watching me every step of the way. As I made my way backstage, I checked the envelope to make sure it had every penny of the money we were owed in it. It did. I made my way to the one changing room that everyone had to use. It was large, with mirrors lining three of the four walls. A fold-up screen hid one corner of the room. I figured it was so that if men and women were sharing the changing rooms at the same time, then it'd provide some privacy if you needed to change your clothes. The room was basic but comfortable.
The other band was already there – five Nought men in matching, dark-blue leather outfits. Jaxon said we should dress smart but not dress up, otherwise it would look like we were trying too hard. This lot obviously didn't think the same.
'Hi, I'm Ridan. My band were going to play here tonight as well, but we've decided to abandon ship.'
'Why?' the tallest Nought asked me sharply.
'Don't you know?' I said, astounded. 'Mr Kosslick has been warned that the Liberation Militia are going to make an appearance here tonight. That's why they've got all that heavy security on the door. But the L.M. are determined to cause trouble – and I'm not going to be anywhere near this place when the bullets start flying. Good luck.'
'Are you serious?' one of the other Noughts asked.
'Is this something I'd joke about?' I said. 'See you.'
And I headed towards the back door.
'Marty, I'm not playing in some place where the L.M. are going to come calling. I've got a wife and kid, mate,' said one of the Noughts.
Less than a minute later they'd stuffed their ordinary clothes back into their bags, had their instruments under their arms and were out the back door. I watched them leave just as Jaxon, Rhino and Sonny came in.
'Where're they going?' Jaxon frowned.
'They got a better offer,' I told him.
I took out my handbag, ready to apply my make-up. And I pretended I couldn't see or feel the others watching me with varying degrees of contempt.
thirty-four. Jude
I raced along the walkway and half-jumped, half-fell down the stairs, taking them three and four at a time. I ran. Away from Eva and her pale-blue eyes. I ran till I doubled over with the stitch from hell stabbing its way out of my side. Dragging the cool night air into my lungs, I fought to get my heartbeat back under control.
What was the matter with me? Going with Eva had been a big mistake. What was supposed to be half an hour's oblivion had turned into anything but. It was as if I hadn't even allowed myself to inhale until I'd left her and her seedy flat. That's how bad it was. I didn't want to even share the same air as her. I started walking in no particular direction, feeling like nothing on this earth. I took out my mobile and phoned directory enquiries to get a phone number. After I'd got the number, the operator asked if I wanted to be connected to it. I almost said yes. Which just goes to show how switched off I was feeling. I declined the offer and wrote the number on the back of my hand. It took me ten minutes to find a working phone box.
I phoned the hospital.
'Could you put me through to your intensive care unit please?' I asked.
'Just a moment,' the receptionist said, her tone bored.
Moments later I was talking to someone else.
'Intensive care. Can I help you?'
'How is Cara Imega?' I asked.
'Are you a member of the immediate family?' the male voice asked.
'Yes, I'm Joshua Imega, her uncle. I only just heard what happened,' I said without even blushing. 'I'm on my way down to see her now but I wanted to know how she was doing.'
Silence.
'Hello?'
'She's not doing very well,' the male voice said with apologetic sympathy. 'We can't really give out much information over the phone, but if I were you, I'd get here as soon as possible.'
'I see,' I said.
And I put down the phone.
thirty-five. Sephy
'Can we sing Bad Attitude first?' I asked Jaxon.
'That's the highlight of our set,' Sonny pointed out, looking at me like I was some kind of maggot who'd just crawled across his top lip.
'I know. But I do have a good reason for asking.'
'I don't know about that—' Jaxon began.
'Give the Cross lady what she wants,' Sonny interrupted.
So this was the way it was going to be. In the changing rooms, I'd re-applied my lipstick whilst the guys changed their shirts in an all-enveloping, chilly fog of silence. The others had made a particular point of ignoring me completely. And I didn't expect it to, but it hurt. I looked across at Rhino on the drums. He wouldn't even look at me.
'Rhino, can you start us off? I really want to get the crowd going,' I said to him.
He looked at me with such malevolence, I actually shivered. Then he started drumming. Slow and steady. I turned and walked back to my mic. Jaxon stood on one side of me, holding his guitar. Sonny stood on the other side of me behind his keyboard. I was getting third-degree burns from the loathing radiating off all of them.
'How're you all feeling?' I called out.
The crowd packed around the stage cheered.
'I said – HOW'RE YOU ALL FEELING?'
The cheer this time was even louder.
And Rhino's drumbeat was getting faster and faster. I nodded at Jaxon who let rip with his guitar. Sonny came in a bar later. Bad Attitude was pop candyfloss but it was popular pop candyfloss. I watched the crowd, who were already getting revved up as the music took them higher and higher. And as I watched, the silent rage inside me took root and spread throughout my entire body. I despised everyone in the room at that moment – Noughts and Crosses alike. I loathed all the pettiness and narrow minds and narrow visions. Why was hatred so easy?
You can't come here.
You can't play there.
No mixing.
No matching.
Stay on your own side.
Stay in your own country.
Stay off my planet.
And I wasn't any better.
And I wasn't any different.
Of everyone in the place, I loathed myself most of all.
I took a deep breath. I had to make this good. Better than rehearsal. Better than I'd ever sung it before. Better than anything anyone in this club had heard in a long time. So I
started to sing. And anger gave me a voice. And rage took away my fear. And fury took away my doubts. I wasn't Sephy any more. I was Ridan, a girl with no hesitations and no apprehensions. A girl with nothing to gain and nothing to lose. I really let rip. By the time the song had finished, the crowd were cheering so loudly my ears were ringing. They loved us. Bad Attitude had been just the right song to sing. It was a popular, fast, up-tempo dance track that always got people on their feet. We had the crowd right where we wanted them.
'D'you want some more?' I shouted.
'Yes!' they screamed back.
'I said – D'YOU WANT SOME MORE?'
'YES!'
For the first time that evening, the smile fell off my face.
'Well, it's not going to happen,' I said.
The cheers fell away into confused whispers. The crowd weren't the only ones who were puzzled. I had the full attention of Jaxon, Rhino and Sonny as well.
'When we came here tonight, we were going to sing a whole load of songs, each of them bigger and better than the one we just did,' I said into the mic. 'But we weren't allowed to come in through the front door. We were told to go around the back. Well, if we're not good enough to come through the same door as you lot, we sure as hell aren't good enough to sing to you. So peace out and goodbye.'
And I headed off stage. But then I remembered something and went back to the stage.
'And it looks like you'll be without any live music this evening because the other band were so disgusted by the way we've been treated that they've already left the building.'
And this time I did make it off the stage. Jaxon and the others had no choice but to follow me. The stunned silence was beginning to be punctuated with a few boos. But even if only one person in the audience understood what I was saying, it would've been worth it.
'What the bloody hell d'you think you're doing?' asked Jaxon. 'We haven't been paid yet.'
'Oh yes we have,' I said waving all the money that slick git Kosslick had given me. I dug into my pocket and took out the extra money I'd been given as well. 'You'd better hold onto that, Sonny. I don't think anyone will be getting anything off you that you don't want to give them.'