4 July, Saturday
Dear Diary,
Is that what I’m supposed to write? I’ve never written one of these before, and I feel like an absolute dork, beyond words. Okay so, Dear Diary, I hate my life. Here it is in a nutshell. My dad killed himself, we lost our house and absolutely everything. I lost my life, Mum lost her mind and now we’re living in hicksville with two sociopaths. A few days ago I spent the afternoon with a really cute guy called Marcus who is Vice President of Dork Central, a travelling library. Two days ago I met a nun who keeps bees and breaks locks and yesterday I spent most of the morning sitting in a ruin-
‘Ruin’ had been crossed out and beside it was:
castle on a stairway to heaven that looked very tempting to climb and leap for a cloud that would carry me away from here. Now it’s night-time and I’m back in my bedroom writing this dorky diary that Sister Ignatius talked me into doing. Yes, she’s a nun and not a transvestite, as I’d previously thought.
I sighed and looked up from the page. How could this be? I searched around me for answers. I thought about running back to the house to tell Mum, to tell Rosaleen, to phone Zoey and Laura. Who on earth would believe me? And even if they did, what could they do that could help me?
The castle was so still, it seemed like the clouds, so perfectly round and white like cherubs, were moving at a hundred miles an hour. There was the occasional rustle under a weed, dandelion seeds drifted through the air, taunting me to catch them, drifting close and then darting away suddenly as the breeze took them. I took a deep breath, lifted my face to the hot sun—hot sun. Very dead—closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. I really loved spending time in the castle. I opened my eyes and continued reading, the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.
I love spending time in the castle. It should be ugly but it’s not. Like Jessie Stevens with his broken nose and cauliflower ears from rugby, he should be ugly, but he’s not. I should have done this sooner, this writing lark. I was denied my rant in Zoey’s, when she and Laura just wouldn’t shut up about the no-knickers story. Anyway.
Mum still hasn’t come out of her room. Despite feeling like I wanted to curl up and die—I’m smothered with a cold after yesterday’s soaking—I decided to eat breakfast in the back garden beside the tree this morning because I knew that she’d see me. I rolled out the blue cashmere blanket from my room and laid out some sliced fruit. It felt and tasted like cardboard. I wasn’t hungry, all of my energy was going into trying to will Mum to come outside. I tried to look so carefree, I lay back on my elbows and crossed my ankles and looked around as though I hadn’t a care in the world. It was my attempt to entice her outside but she didn’t join me. I just thought that if she got some air, if she took a look around this place, came to this castle, maybe she’d see what I see, that she’d snap out of the trance she’s caught in. Of course she doesn’t want life to go on while she’s sitting up there in that bedroom. It’s only when you come outside and realise life is moving on, that you just have to go with the flow.
I don’t know why Rosaleen and Arthur aren’t doing more to help her. Breakfast, lunch and dinner big enough to feed an elephant aren’t going to cure her. Nor is silence. I should bring it up again with Rosaleen. Maybe mention it to Arthur. He’s her brother, he should be helping. As far as I can see, apart from the bizarre forehead-touching greeting they had when we arrived, he hasn’t said one word to her. How weird is that?
After the rain of yesterday…
Okay so that’s when I knew it was all ridiculous because it was the most beautiful hot day today. No rain whatsoever. I continued reading with a cocked eyebrow, armed with the knowledge that I was being punked or something, and I waited for Zoey and Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the crumbling pillars.
…I feel smothered with a cold. Rosaleen practically wrapped me up in cotton wool, stuck me in front of the fire and force-fed me chicken soup. I lost half the day sweating profusely next to that ghastly fire and trying to convince her I wasn’t dying. She made me cover my head with a towel and stick my face over a bowl of boiling hot water filled with Vicks to clear my nose, and while under there snotting myself, I was almost sure I heard the doorbell ring. She assured me it didn’t. I should have taken Sister Ignatius up on her offer of drying off in her house. How scary can a house of nuns be?
Tomorrow I plan to avoid another heart attack on a plate and find a quiet place to write this. I’ll probably sunbathe in my bikini. Give the pheasants something to look at. It might not be so bad. When you close your eyes you can be just about anywhere you want to be. I can lie by the lake and imagine I’m by the pool in Marbella, that the splashing of the swans as they shake out their feathers is Mum. She always used to lie, not on a sunbed like everybody else, but along the edge of the pool, near the filters. She’d allow her hand to hover over the water, slapping the water lightly. It sounded like toddler’s barefeet walking about the place. It was either to keep cool or because she liked the sound. I used to like listening to it. Though for some reason I always told her to shut up. Something to say in the silence, something that would make her open her eyes and look at me.
Who could have known all of that? Only Mum.
Maybe I’ll sunbathe right in the path of Arthur’s lawnmower on the grass and hope he’ll run me over. If it doesn’t kill me, the least it could do is save me from a full body wax.
Arthur’s not so bad, actually. He doesn’t say much. He doesn’t even make many reactions, but I get a good feeling from him. Most of the time. Rosaleen’s not so bad either. I just have to try to figure her out. She reacted so unusually at dinner today—shepherd’s pie, yum—when I told her I’d spent time with Sister Ignatius. She said Sister had called round to her during the morning and mentioned nothing about meeting me. That must have been when I was in the shower. Would love to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. Then she kept interrogating me on what kinds of things Sister and I talked about. Honestly, it was constant, and even Arthur seemed uncomfortable. I mean, did she think I was lying about it? Really, it was weird. I wish I hadn’t told her what I’d learned about the castle. Now I know that whatever information I need to learn, it most certainly can’t be from her. I suppose Rosaleen and Arthur are just different. Or maybe it’s just me that’s different. I never really thought of it that way before. Perhaps it was always just me.
In case I die of dehydration and somebody finds this diary, I should mention that I cry every night. I go through the entire day, save for bluebottle and ruined-castle breakdowns, as strong as can be and then as soon as I crawl into bed and lie in the darkness and stillness, the world only then seems to me to be spinning. Then I cry. Sometimes for such long periods of time my pillow becomes soaked. Rolling down the edges of my eyes, along my ears and tickling down my neck, sometimes down to my vest, I just let the tears go wherever. I’m so used to crying, I don’t notice it sometimes. Does that make sense? Before, if I cried it was because I’d fallen and hurt myself, or because I’d had a fight with Dad, or I was totally drunk and the slightest thing made me upset. But now, it’s like, whatever…I’m sad so I’ll cry. Sometimes I start and then stop as I convince myself that everything will be fine. Sometimes I don’t believe myself and I start again.
I have lots of dreams about Dad. Rarely is he really Dad, but instead a mixture of different people’s faces. He starts off as him, then becomes a school teacher, then becomes Zac Efron and then some random person that I saw once before in my life, like the local priest or something. I’ve heard people say that when they dream about a loved one that has died, they feel that it’s real, that the person is really there, sending them a message, giving them a hug. That somehow dreams are a blurred line between here and there, like a meeting room in a prison. You’re both in the same room, yet on different sides and really, in different worlds. I used to think that people who talked like that were quacks, or fundamentalist religious freaks. But now I know that that is just one of the many things I was wrong about
. It’s got nothing to do with religion, it’s got nothing to do with mental stability, but it has everything to do with the human mind’s natural instinct, which is to hope beyond all hope, unless you’re a cynical bastard. It’s got to do with love, with losing somebody you love, a part of you being torn away that you’d do almost anything or believe anything to have returned to you. It’s hope that someday you’ll see them again, that you can still feel them near you. Hope like that, as I thought before, doesn’t make you a weak person. It’s hopelessness that makes you weak. Hope makes you stronger, because it brings with it a sense of reason. Not a reason for how or why they were taken from you, but a reason for you to live. Because it’s a maybe. A ‘maybe someday things won’t always be this shit.’ And that ‘maybe’ immediately makes the shittiness better.
I thought that we were supposed to become more cynical the older we got. Me? I was born looking warily around the hospital room, from one face to another, and just immediately knowing that this new scenario was shit and that I was better off back inside. I continued life like that. Everywhere I was, was shit, and somewhere else, in the backwards direction, was better. It’s only now when the matter-of-factness of life has hit me—very dead, death—that I’m beginning to look outwards. Scientific people think they’re looking outwards but they’re not. They think that emotional people only look inwards but they don’t. I think the best scientists are the ones that look both ways.
Despite all that I’ve said, I know that Dad isn’t in my dreams. There is no secret message or secret hug. I don’t feel him with me here in Kilsaney. They are merely obscure dreams with no meaning or words of advice. Mirrored segments of my day broken up as though a jigsaw, and thrown in the air to hang in my head without order, meaning or sense. Last night I dreamed about Dad, who turned into my English teacher, and then the English teacher was a woman and we all had a free class and I had to sing for everybody, but I opened my mouth and nothing would come out and then the school ended up being in America but nobody spoke English and I couldn’t understand anything, and then I lived on a boat. Weird. I woke up when Rosaleen dropped a pot or something downstairs in the kitchen.
Maybe Sister Ignatius was right. Maybe this diary will help me. Sister Ignatius is a funny woman. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since I met her two days ago.
Yesterday. I’d only met her yesterday.
I like her. The first thing I like about being here—okay the second thing, after the castle—is her. It started lashing rain while I was in the castle yesterday and I could see Rosaleen coming down the road towards me with a coat in her hand, so I feel bad, but I just had to run in the opposite direction. I didn’t want her knowing that I spent time here; I didn’t want her to think that her guess was right. I didn’t want her knowing anything about me. I had no idea where I was running to. The rain came down really, really hard—less of a sun shower and more of a power shower, and I was soaked right through to the skin, but it was like I was on autopilot, my body just switched off and I ran, and without really concentrating I ended up at the walled garden. Sister Ignatius was standing in the greenhouse, waiting for the rain to stop. She had a spare beekeeping suit for me. She said she had a feeling I’d be back.
Because I’d interrupted her the day before she hadn’t been able to get back to checking the hives. She’d other duties to attend to. Praying and stuff. So she showed me the inside of the hives yesterday. She drew on the queen bee with a marker so that I could see which one it was, she pointed out the drones, the worker bees too, and then showed me how to use the smoker. Looking at it made me feel dizzy. Something weird happened to me. She didn’t notice. I had to put my hand out and hold on to the wall so I wouldn’t crumple to the ground. While I was feeling like that, she invited me back next week to help her extract the honey, which she then puts in jars and brings to the market. I was so busy trying to breathe that I just said no. I just wanted to get away. I wish I’d just told her that I didn’t feel well. She seemed so disappointed and now I feel really bad. I also need to get to the market so I can see more people. I’m going insane here, seeing the same people every day. Also I want to know if everyone will stare at Rosaleen and Arthur like they did outside the pub. They must have done something in the town to be looked at like that. Organised swinging parties or something. Gross.
I’m sitting with my back against the bedroom door writing this because I don’t want Rosaleen to walk in. The less she knows about this diary, the better. Already she is trying to climb inside my head; I couldn’t risk her knowing my innermost thoughts are lying about my bedroom. I’ll have to hide it. There’s an interesting-looking loose floorboard over by the corner chair that I might investigate tonight.
Once again, Mum zonked out straight after eating her dinner. She’s been sleeping so much the past two days. But this time she fell asleep in her chair. I wanted to wake her and put her in bed but Rosaleen wouldn’t let me. I’ll write this until I hear Arthur snoring and then I’ll know it’s safe to check on her.
While I’m in the safety of the house, I just want to say that I had a funny feeling while in the castle yesterday morning. I felt like somebody was there. Like somebody was watching me. It was such a sunny morning, right up until that freak cloud squeezed itself right on top of my head, and I was just sitting on the step, with this diary on my lap, and I couldn’t think of what to write and how to begin the first page and so I sunbathed instead. I don’t know how long I had my eyes closed for but I wish I’d kept them open. Someone was definitely there.
I’ll write again tomorrow.
I finished reading and looked around, my heart so loud in my ears that my breathing was rapid and sharp. That was now. I’d been writing about me now.
I suddenly felt a thousand eyes on me. As I stood up and ran down the steps, tripped on the last one and slammed into the wall. I grazed my hands and my right shoulder, dropped the book on the floor again. I felt around on the ground for it, and as I grabbed it my hand brushed against something furry and soft. I yelped and jumped away, ran into the room next door. There were no doorways out of there, all four walls were intact. I felt a few raindrops on my skin and they quickly fell faster. I went to a hole in the wall where a window used to be and tried to climb out. Once up on the ledge, I saw Rosaleen charging her way up the road with what looked like a raincoat in her hands. She was power-walking forward, a stormy look on her face, her hand held above her head as though that alone could stop her from getting wet.
I rushed to the other window, looking out to the back of the castle and I climbed out, my knees scraping against the wall as I leaped up to catch the windowsill. I landed on concrete on the other side, feeling the sting in my feet as the lack of support in my flip-flops sent pain shooting up my legs. I spied Rosaleen coming closer to the castle. I turned away, and ran.
I had no idea where I was going. My body felt like it was on autopilot. It was only when I reached the walled garden, completely soaked to the skin, that I made the connection to the diary and a shudder went through my entire body, summoning goose pimples from head to toe.
As I stood at the garden entrance, frozen with fear and trembling, a white shadow through the frosted glass of the greenhouse caught my attention. Then the door opened and Sister Ignatius appeared with a spare bee suit in her hand.
‘I knew you’d come back,’ she called, and her blue eyes sparkled mischievously against her pale skin.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Where There’s Smoke
I joined Sister Ignatius in the greenhouse. I stood beside her, my body rigid and tight. My shoulders were hunched up past my ears as though I was trying to disappear into my body like a tortoise. I clung to the diary so tightly my knuckles were white.
‘Oh, look at you,’ she said, in her joyful, carefree voice. ‘You’re like a drowned rat. Let me dry you off—’
‘Don’t touch me,’ I said quickly, taking a step away from her. I angled my body away from her but I sneaked a look at her now a
nd then over my shoulder.
‘What’s happened, Tamara?’
‘Don’t pretend you don’t already know.’
A quick look over my shoulder showed her eyes narrow momentarily, then open wide. She registered something. She knew something. She looked like someone who had been caught.
‘Admit it.’
‘Tamara,’ she began, then paused, searching to find the right words. ‘Tamara, look at me. I’m…let me explain…we should go somewhere else to talk. Not here. Not in this greenhouse. Not with you like this.’
‘No. First I want to hear you admit it.’
‘Tamara, I really think that we should go inside and—’
‘Admit that you wrote it,’ I snapped.
Her face instantly changed to utter confusion. ‘Tamara, I don’t understand. Admit that I wrote what?’
‘The diary,’ I exploded, and pushed it in her face. I flicked ferociously through the pages. ‘Look, it’s been written in. I hid it in my bedroom, and this morning I brought it to the castle to write it, just like you told me to, and look. How did you do it?’ I shoved it under her nose and flicked through the pages, my wet hands blurring the ink. She blinked furiously to try to focus on the pages as they raced by.
‘Tamara, calm down. I can’t see anything, you’re going too fast.’
I went faster. She reached out and with those thick hands, strangling hands, she grabbed my wrists tightly and said firmly, ‘Tamara. Stop.’
It worked. She took the diary from my hands and opened the first page. Her eyes raced across the first few lines.