“Sure. I’ll make an appointment at the salon for us to get our nails done. How do you think she’d feel about a massage?”
“I think you know how she feels about massages.” Mom was of the opinion that massages were just ways for creepy strangers to grope you. True story.
“It was worth a shot. I’ll call the salon tomorrow and get her in.” Mom had gone to the same salon since I’d been alive and if she wanted an appointment, they’d squeeze her in, even if they had to bump someone else. My mother was a good tipper.
“Thank you, Blair. That means a lot.”
“Sure. So I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yes. We’re having everyone here at ten to finish making arrangements for the funeral and to talk about the will. Don’t be late.”
“I won’t,” I said and we hung up.
“I have to take my mom to the spa this weekend.” I groaned and leaned my head back.
“Ouch. I’m sorry. If there was anything I could do to make that better, I would.” There wasn’t anything she could do. This was my mother. My responsibility. And at least she was alive. Some people didn’t have mothers at all.
“No, it’s fine. Maybe she’ll be subdued.” Unlikely. I went back to the albums and spent the rest of the night going through them, even after Raine had gone to bed.
So many pictures. Gran lived a lot of life in eighty-four years. I smiled when I got to her wedding pictures. God, she looked so young. I couldn’t imagine getting married as young as she had. I wasn’t ready for marriage now. Not for years at least. Mom always nagged me about my biological clock, but I was able to ignore most of it.
I finally closed the last album and tried to sleep, but it wouldn’t come. I had an impulse and picked up my phone.
Are you still awake?
I sent the text before I could second-guess myself.
The response came only a moment later.
Yes. Need to talk?
I did. I hit Dial on his number and waited for him to answer.
“Hello, Blair. Can’t sleep?”
“Not really. I’ve been going through my Gran’s albums and my brain won’t shut up. I’m just thinking about a bazillion things at once. I’m sorry if you were busy or asleep.”
“I’m not busy at all. Drake woke up from a nightmare, and I just put him back to bed. He has a tendency to have more than one in a row, so I’m just awake and listening for him.” I resisted the urge to say “awww”.
“How’s he doing? I feel like I haven’t seen both of you in forever.”
“He’s well. He also misses you. He’s been asking about you incessantly. I think he likes you more than lollipops.”
That made me laugh.
“What an endorsement! He’s such a great kid.”
“I think I’ll keep him.” We both laughed. “So how are you?”
“Okay, I guess. Coping. Can I tell you a secret?”
“I love secrets.”
“You can’t judge me,” I said.
“I would never judge you.” Yeah, yeah. That’s what people said the second before they judged you.
“I haven’t cried for Gran. Not one tear. It’s like I’m stuck, or I can’t believe it or something. Please don’t tell anyone.”
“Blair, everyone deals with grief in their own way. But you know that.”
“I guess. But my mom is a constant wreck. Dad called me to take her out this weekend to get her off his hands. I feel like a bitch for not wanting to do it.”
“Feel however you want to feel.” Raine had said the same thing. “You don’t need permission to do anything, Blair.” I definitely had never needed permission before.
“Thanks, Declan.”
“You’re very welcome, Blair. Now, tell me something about your Gran. A funny story.” A funny story? About Gran? Had he met her?
“Um, the only funny stories I know about Gran involve me doing something wrong and her giving me a look or a reprimand. I’ve got hundreds of those stories.”
“Tell me one. Please.” I knew what he was doing and I would have kissed him if he were here.
“Okay. So when I was fifteen I had this sort of Goth/emo phase. Like, hair in the face, black eyeliner, the whole thing. I was trying on identities at that point, trying to figure myself out, as teenagers do.” I didn’t have many pictures of that brief phase of my life, thankfully.
The story went on that I had to go have my Sunday visit with Gran and I refused to wear the proper clothes and take off the makeup. My mother was about ready to strip me and hose me down, but Dad just smiled and told her to let me go as I was.
“So I showed up and she took one look at me and then her eyes narrowed. She turned around and walked back to the table and sat down. I was shocked because she normally had a whole protocol for eating. You saw it. So I just followed her and sat down. She poured tea and set out cookies and completely ignored me. She wouldn’t even look at me. I think I said something snarky and she kept pretending I wasn’t there. The entire time, she didn’t acknowledge my presence. So then I asked her why and that made her speak.”
She’d said, “I don’t talk to strangers.” I’d asked her what she was talking about. “I’m not talking to strangers. If my granddaughter were here, I’d speak with her, but she isn’t.” I’d probably mumbled something and then she’d cleared up the table and left me there.
I’d followed her to the kitchen and she’d just kept ignoring me. It wasn’t so bad, but when Mom came to pick me up, Gran had ripped her a new one. I don’t remember what was said, but it wasn’t anything good. Gran basically said that I would never show up in such an outfit again. It wasn’t befitting her grandchild and if I did wear such a thing again, she’d lock the door.
Mom had been humiliated and had yelled at me the whole way home. That was when I decided that my rebellion had to be selective. Wait until I got to school to put on my eyeliner and change my clothes. When I started getting tattoos, hiding those. I’d been doing it that way since then and it had worked for the most part. I could be whoever I wanted to be on my own time, but there was a time and a place.
Declan laughed at my story.
“Well, you don’t have to change yourself for me.”
“I know. That’s why I like you so much. It’s so much work being with my family. Trying to watch what I say and do. I’m just not cut out to be one of those women.” Actually, not many women were cut out for that. Being a proper lady was constant work and took years of training. I was either too lazy, or didn’t care. Or both.
“Thanks for talking to me,” I said, turning over on my side and resting the phone against my ear.
“I enjoy speaking with you just as much. Oh, I think I hear Drake.”
“Go, go. I’ll talk with you later.”
“Goodbye, Blair.” He hung up before I could respond.
The meeting with my family started out well, but quickly devolved. Well, not completely. Since everyone had been raised with hardcore manners and decorum, the disagreements weren’t loud, but the tension filled the room and it was almost worse. The repressed irritation and anger made me almost sick.
It wasn’t what people said, but how they said it, and what they left unsaid. Reading between the lines, Pearl and Gerald were pissed that Dad was the executor, even though they were co-executors and any paperwork would require their signatures as well.
“We were just as close with her, and I spent a lot of time at that house, doing repairs and chores that I paid for out of my own pocket,” Gerald said. I nearly fell over. Seriously? Was he really doing this? Now?
To his credit, Dad didn’t yell or scream or freak out. He just talked in a calm and soothing voice that Gran had planned this out and had made sure that everything was divided evenly. Because that was what really mattered right now. How her assets were divided.
Dad changed the subject and they started talking about funeral arrangements. Gran had planned for that too and had listed all the things she wanted and had been savin
g money in a special account. That woman was prepared. I tuned most of it out and wished Raine had come with me so we could text each other back and forth. Mom got up to make some more coffee and I went with her.
“Hey, Mom, I was thinking you might want to go to the spa on Saturday and get a facial or get your hair done. What do you think? You’ve been through a lot and you deserve a break.” Dad deserves a break. She sniffed and started measuring out more coffee for the press. Because we couldn’t have instant. We had to have fresh ground, French press coffee.
I washed the cups out and dried them.
“That would be nice, but I have too much to do here.”
“It’s just for a few hours. Let yourself have a break. Gran wouldn’t want you running yourself ragged. How we present ourselves is important.” Gran had said that often enough. I’d always ignored it.
She wiped her eyes with a dishcloth.
“You’re right. Thank you, Blair. It would be good to spend some time with my only daughter.” I gave her a limp hug and helped her clean up the kitchen and bring out the coffee when it was ready.
Everyone was still going over the arrangements, and I felt useless. Then I heard my name.
“Blair’s going to write the obituary, so was there anything you thought should be included?” Pearl and Gerald started talking over one another, making suggestions. Dad handed me a pad of paper and a pen to write them down.
Pearl wanted me to list all the charities Gran gave or donated time to and Gerald started listing relatives that I needed to include. I got down as much as I could, hoping I could fit it all in.
They kept talking and talking and my head felt like it was going to explode. But then Mom started crying again and Dad decided it was enough.
“Did she agree to go to the spa?” he said in my ear as he hugged me goodbye.
“Yes. I’d offer to pick her up, but you know how she feels about my driving.” Not good.
“I’ll drive her,” he said and let me go. I hugged the rest of my relatives and headed to Gran’s house to get some more of the albums.
Raine had been working since we got up in the morning.
“I can’t even believe how awesome this is. I mean, I know I wrote it, but it’s awesome.” I hurried over to read.
“Holy shit, how many words have you written today?”
“Eleven thousand. I know. I KNOW.” I didn’t think I’d ever written that much in a day. I’d tried, but couldn’t get past around nine thousand before my brain shut down. “I started and I couldn’t stop. I know this means that I’ve been writing more of this book than you have.”
She looked down, as if she was ashamed.
“That’s fine, Raine. I’m not going to be mad at you for writing something. What kind of best friend and co-writer would I be?”
“I know, but I still feel bad. Here’s my idea. I’m going to turn this into the guy’s POV and you can do the girl’s.” I smiled.
“You know, I was thinking the exact same thing when I couldn’t sleep last night. You know you’re better at guy POV than I am.”
She flashed a smug grin.
“That’s because I was a dude in a past life.” Wouldn’t surprise me. “So that means this book is going to be hella long. And I’m sure our publishers are going to hate it,” she said.
“Which means we have to write it,” I said, finishing for her. That was how we’d started. Writing a book that no one thought we should write. It had worked for us so far.
“Abso-fucking-lutely. We’re writing this shit. And even if no publisher will buy it, we can indie publish the hell out of it. We might even make more money.” True. I didn’t know much about that process and it seemed like a lot of work. We’d definitely have to hire an assistant if we wanted to do that. Eh, we’d cross that bridge when we got there. The book needed to get written first.
“I also updated the blog and answered a bunch of email. I’ve done so many grown-up things today. I deserve cookies.” She hopped up from her chair and ran to the cupboard to grab the Oreos.
“Be careful, you’ll ruin your dinner,” I said.
“I’m a fucking adult. Ruining my dinner is one of the few pleasures in life,” she said as she stuffed the cookies in her mouth.
“True story. Give me some of those.”
Raine kept working on the story and I worked on Gran’s obituary. I was also documenting all the pictures in the albums. I’d gotten the idea to put all of them on a disk and give that to Dad and Gerald and Pearl. So they could all have them. It would probably cause a shit ton of drama, but I was going to do it anyway.
“Okay, how does this sound?” I read the obit aloud to Raine. I thought I got everything, including her marriage, her charity work, her hobbies and all the surviving relatives who needed to be listed.
“I’m going to send it to you so you can see if there are any typos that I missed, but I wanted to read it aloud for flow. Is it too long? I don’t know if they’re going to make me cut it down.” I didn’t know what the rules were for the local paper. I was also sending a copy down to the paper in the town she’d been born and had grown up in.
“It sounds really good. Very respectful and nicely-worded. She’d be proud.” I hoped so. I didn’t know how Gran would feel about it. I only knew that she’d want me to choose a picture that she looked good in, so I was definitely using her wedding picture.
I sent Raine the final draft and then took a break from the computer to text Declan.
Finished Gran’s obit. Feeling weird.
He called me immediately.
“Drake, hush. Daddy’s on the phone. Hello, Blair.” Ah, the joys of parenting.
“I’m good, how are you? And how’s Drake?”
“He’s being a little ornery at the moment. No, you can’t. I said no.”
“Sounds like you have your hands full. I should probably let you go.”
“No, no. It’s fine. Just give me a moment.” He muffled the speaker, but I could hear him reprimanding Drake and then another sound that was probably the television.
“Sorry, I put the telly on. That should distract him for a few minutes.” He sounded exhausted.
“So I wanted to talk to you because I have to take my mom to the spa on Saturday, but I’m free that night. You know. If you want to do something.” And by something, I meant me.
“I think that could be arranged. Would you like to go out or stay in?” In. Him inside me. That was what I wanted.
“In. Definitely in.”
I still felt a twinge of guilt for wanting to hook up with Declan, but I was doing better.
He chuckled. “I’ll see what I can do. Pick you up at seven?”
“Definitely.”
“Drake,” he said, sighing and then covering the speaker again. “He wants to talk to you.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet. Put him on.” The phone was handed off and then I heard Drake breathing into the speaker.
“Hi, Drake. How are you?”
“Hi, Blair. I eated all my dinner.”
“Good job, buddy.”
“Will you read to me?”
“Not right now, but soon. I miss seeing you at the library. Will you come back and see me soon?”
“Uh huh. I gotta go now. Bye bye!” The phone was handed back and I heard Drake singing and scampering away.
“I’ll let you get back to that,” I said to Declan.
“You know, parents used to give their children whiskey when they were teething and to make them sleep. Is it wrong I’ve considered slipping cough medicine in his juice?”
“Your secret is safe with me. As long as you won’t tell anyone I can’t cry about Gran.”
“Fair enough. It’s a deal.”
We hung up and I found Raine staring at me.
“You’re getting laid, aren’t you?”
“Maybe. I mean, we’re going out.” She handed me a plate of chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans.
“No. I think you said in. As in, he wil
l be inside you.”
“Raine.”
“Don’t even give me that. Go. Get laid. Have wild sweaty times with the sexy Brit. I’m not stopping you.”
She sat down next to me with her own plate.
“Crap, I forgot drinks,” she said.
“Got it.” I stood up and went to grab milk for both of us.
“So I’m guessing that means you’re ditching me and Angie to hang out with Declan?” What the what?
“We didn’t even have concrete plans, Raine. But I can still go out on Friday, if you want. I might need it because I have to spend the next afternoon with my mother.” I was going to need a few drinks beforehand. Definitely.
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Or maybe you and Angie could go out without me. We’re kind of attached at the hip. I mean, we do just about everything together.” Even more now that we were home all the time and Raine was helping with everything.
“You’re right. I guess. I should probably learn how to go out without you. If this thing goes far with Declan.”
“What do you mean? We’re not seriously dating.”
She snorted into her mashed potatoes.
“Uh huh. Sure.”
“What the hell?”
She put her plate down and drained her glass of milk.
“Oh, nothing. Just that you’ve met his kid, you talk all the time and you have amazing sex. Sounds like a relationship to me. And you definitely more than like him. You’re in that place between like and love. There should really be a word for that place.”
I shook my head.
“You’re crazy. Sure, I like him. Really like him. And I like his kid. But that’s it. Okay, so I do love having sex with him, but amazing sex a permanent relationship does not make. The sex thing is just because it’s new and forbidden. I’m sure once it wears off we’ll get tired of one another and that will be that.”
“Do you actually think about the words that come out of your mouth before you say them? Because they’re sounding like bullshit.” She was really pushing my buttons.
“Look, I don’t need this right now. I’m dealing with enough. Can you just lay off?” I got up to take my plate to the kitchen.