"I'm just stopping to say good-bye," I said quickly.
"Oh?" Crystal said, looking up.
I pulled in and got out slowly. Todd was under a car in the rear of the garage. I heard him grunt and then he stopped what he was doing and pushed himself out to look up at me.
"We're leaving," I said quietly.
He got to his feet and looked out the door at our car. The girls were all staring. He nodded toward the far corner, which would be out of their view, and I went there. As soon as I turned, he kissed me.
"I want you to promise me that if you should get into some difficult situation along the way, you'll call me. Will you?" he asked.
"Yes."
"I had some business cards made up last year. I've got a drawer full of them." He dug into his coverall pocket and produced one which he slipped into my jeans pocket quickly. "Look at it once in a while so you don't forget me," he said.
"I won't forget you, Todd. That's silly. I'll be thinking about you all the time."
"Will you?" He smiled. "I hope so. You'll call as soon as you get where you're going, right?" "Yes."
"You're like some sort of miracle that came sweeping into my life and rushed out."
"I'm not rushing out." We stared at each other. My heart felt empty, hollow. "I'd better get going," I said barely above a whisper. My eyes lowered. He touched my chin and I looked at him again.
"I'm memorizing your sweet little nose," he said. "I'm memorizing all of you."
We kissed once more and then I broke out of his embrace and hurried out to the car, trying desperately to swallow back the tears and sobs that wanted to escape.
"Everything all right?" Raven asked softly. I shook my head.
"What's wrong?" Crystal asked.
"Nothing," I said, starting the engine.
"Brooke likes him," Butterfly said. "Don't you, Brooke?"
I gazed at her in the rearview mirror and smiled. "Yes, Butterfly. I do."
I started away.
Todd came to his door and raised his hand. I clicked the picture of him standing there and pressed it so hard and deeply into my memory, it would take a sledgehammer to get it out.
Someday, I'll see him again, I thought, and we'll be together forever. We'll marry and make a life because we not only loved each other, but needed each other. Or was this just a new pipe dream?
12 Reality Check
We got a flat in the right rear tire just after we reached 1-70. Fortunately for us, Gordon had a fullsize spare in the rear and with Crystal and Raven's help I was able to change the tire. The lug nuts were so tight, it took all of us to turn the wrench and loosen them. Raven and I pulled while Crystal practically stood on the wrench until the nuts turned. I'm sure we were quite a sight. Many cars passed us, but no one stopped to help. Crystal thought we were better off because there would be less lying to people. Of course, we were terrified a highway patrolman would stop, but they must have all been having coffee. We didn't see a single one then or for the next fifty miles.
Just after lunch, Crystal directed us onto 1-255, which took us into Missouri. We were in Missouri only a short time before we started west on 1-44.
Crystal said it would take us into Texas and from there we would go to New Mexico, Arizona and finally California.
California! It was beginning to feel like we were heading for the moon.
Every time we stopped for gas, we anticipated the gas charge card being denied, but every time it went through easily.
"He's right behind us," Raven predicted. "I can feel him in my bones."
No one contradicted her. We all had similar anxieties. It got so I actually gazed into the rearview mirror from time to time in anticipation of seeing Gordon's pickup truck closing on us. His face would be up against that windshield, his teeth clenched between two whitened lips.
I drove on, forcing the images out of my mind.
Mrs. Slater's lunch was so filling, we weren't hungry until nearly seven. Crystal decided we should stop in one of the smaller supermarkets and buy ready-made salads. It was cheap and easy. Afterward, before we got back on the main highway, we decided to indulge ourselves and stopped for frozen custard. Finding a suitable place to sleep that wouldn't cost us a large portion of our remaining funds was our next challenge. Most of the motels were expensive and even the ones that looked seedy to us were more than we could afford.
"We'll have to try sleeping in the wagon again," Crystal said. "It won't kill us."
This time I found a truly unused side road. The macadam broke up and ended in a field. It was one of those roads that had been started and stopped, which was fortunate for us. The tall grass hid us from view. We locked our doors, set up our pillows, opened the windows a crack and went to sleep. Or at least, tried to fall asleep. Raven began saying what was on all of our minds.
"If we would have been able to work longer at Patsy's, we would have more money and wouldn't have to sleep in a field somewhere. We could eat like people. We could even buy some clothes. I've got to go to the bathroom. Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Pretend you're on one of the youth brigade camping trips the state used to organize for us," I said. "Go out into nature."
"I hated those trips. Anyway, there's mosquitos out there. There's snakes. There's . . ."
"Werewolves and vampires," Crystal chimed.
"Ghosts and goblins," Butterfly said and giggled.
"And serial killers. Don't forget the serial killers who have lost their way, too," I added.
"You're all very funny, but you're all going to have to go to the bathroom in a field, too," Raven reminded us-.'
-Our ancestors did," Crystal said. "You know, the concept of indoor plumbing is a relatively recent phenomenon."
"Oh, pleeeze, not a lecture on the history of the toilet," Raven begged.
I laughed so hard, I suddenly had to go.
"Come on," I said. "I'll stand guard for you and you can stand guard for me."
When we were finished, we got back into the wagon and tried again to sleep. After what seemed like close to an hour, but was probably only about fifteen minutes, I sighed deeply and loudly enough for everyone to hear.
"I can't fall asleep," Raven declared.
"Me neither," Crystal said. "I thought I was so tired, it would only take a minute."
239
V. C. ANDREWS
"I'm awake, too," Butterfly said.
"Let's talk ourselves out," Crystal suggested. "Talk about what?" Raven asked. "And don't say politics or science."
"I know," Crystal said, "everyone take a turn telling what's the most important thing she wants to find at the end of this rainbow. Who's first?" "You go first," Raven said. "It was your idea."
"Okay. I want to find a good school in California so I can start applying for colleges."
"Boring," Raven sang.
Crystal continued, ignoring her.
"And then I want to go to the beach. And surf," she giggled.
"Don't you want to meet any movie stars?" Raven asked her.
"No, not really. I don't care if the actors are famous. I'd rather go to one of the UCLA medical conferences. Research is so important and those doctors are famous for their work in . ."
"It's working, Crystal," Raven declared.
"What?"
"I'm falling asleep."
"Very funny," Crystal said. I subdued a giggle. "Let's hear from you then, Miss Songbird," Crystal challenged.
Uh oh, I thought, here comes Crystal's sharp wit. She's just setting her up.
"Okay," Raven chimed. "I want to get to Los Angeles, go to my first audition, and get picked to sign a record deal before I've sung my first note."
"That's not a goal, that's a dream. You ought to convert that story into a pill and sell it to insomniacs," Crystal advised.
"What is that supposed to mean? Can you understand anything she says, Brooke? I swear. Besides, what's wrong with having a dream?"
"I'd like to get an athletic scholarshi
p to a great school," I said before they got into a real argument, "and after a few weeks, I'd write to Todd. He would come out and then we'd get married after I finished school and he could travel all over the world with me and my Olympic team."
"Just think, you could have enough children to start your own softball team," Raven laughed.
"I don't think this game is helping us relax and sleep," I retorted.
"What about you, Butterfly?" Raven asked her. There was a long pause.
"I just want to find a new mother and father and maybe a grandmother and grandfather," she said in her tiny voice.
No one spoke.
"I am tired now," I said, closing my eyes and sinking deeper into the seat.
"Me too," Raven said, "so everyone shut up."
It was dark and very still, with barely a breeze coming through the openings in our windows. Somewhere far off, I heard what I thought was an owl. I closed my eyes. Butterfly's simple wish resonated like a powerful poem inside me.
Should I have told the girls what I really wished? I wished that at the end of my rainbow was my mother, who would come forward to claim me, to ask for my forgiveness, to tell me a story that justified and explained why she abandoned me. She would be filled with so much remorse, I would forgive her and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that ever since that dreadful day when she had to deposit me in some state-run facility, she had dreamed of meeting me again.
We would pick up as if all the intervening years had been a bad dream. In minutes we would become like sisters, and she wouldn't be upset about my being more interested in sports than in beauty pageants. She would be intrigued and interested. We'd play tennis and swim and take long walks on those grand California beaches where the sand glimmers like tiny diamonds and the people are forever young.
How wonderful it would be finally to have someone I truly wanted to call Mommy. Darkness wrapped itself around us, four lost and frightened souls safe for the moment, sleeping in the automobile owned by the man we had all come to hate, the demon in our nightmares, out there, chasing us, fueled by his rage, relentless, a reason never to forget to lock our doors.
As if she could read my thoughts even in her sleep, Butterfly had a terrible nightmare almost as soon as she fell asleep. She woke screaming and Crystal was immediately at her side, comforting her, assuring her she was safe.
"What was it?" Raven asked her. Butterfly couldn't talk, didn't want to tell.
"It's all right, Butterfly," Crystal said. "We're all here with you."
"She scared dinner out of me," Raven moaned. "My heart feels like a tiny fist pounding on the inside of my chest."
"Go back to sleep," Crystal advised.
"Go back to sleep?"
"Just go back to sleep," she said firmly.
Raven thought a moment, realized that Butterfly would remain calm if we did, and quieted down. It was hard to go back to sleep. I felt so sorry for Butterfly. Maybe it was wrong to take her with us. Maybe Todd was right. She's too fragile. Even our love, our company, our joining and promising to be there forever for each other wasn't enough.
Who did we think we were anyway? I thought.
We're nobodies.
How did I ever come up with this idea?
The morning light woke us. It filled the car with so much sunshine that when I opened my eyes, I thought we were on fire and jerked myself up, a scream on my lips. After a moment I remembered where we were. It was just five-thirty in the morning. Raven wouldn't be a happy camper if I woke her, I thought as she moaned and turned, desperately trying to cling to sleep.
I got out, stretched and took deep breaths of the cool air. Crystal joined me. Butterfly was still asleep too._
"We've got to figure something out, Brooke, find a way to get money. We can't go on like this and what will we do if we should ever really reach California? We'll need an apartment. We might not get jobs right away and even if we did, we wouldn't get paid right away. How do we eat in the meantime? Who'll give us an apartment without putting up rent?
"I've been awake awhile," she confessed, "thinking about all this."
"What are you saying, Crystal?"
"Maybe it's time we stopped fooling ourselves. It's been an adventure, but that's about it. We can't expect anything more, realistically that is."
"You know we can't go back. You know what will happen," I reminded her.
"Not if we tell the police everything. They'll believe us, even if it means leading them back to the place where we left the cocaine. I put a rock over the bag. I'm sure it will still be there and there should be enough of a residue to convince them we were telling the truth. Gordon will be arrested."
"What if he's not?"
"Even if he's not, they won't put us back with him. They'll know how bad that would be," she said.
"Would they?" I kicked a rock and sighed, tears coming to my eyes. "I think I'd rather take my chances starving."
"Or becoming one of those girls Norman and Nana's son accused us of being . . . live on the streets?" She shook her head. "You don't want that, Brooke. We just have to . ."
"What?"
"Be wards of the state awhile longer," she said. "It's our particular miserable fate. I'm sorry."
"Me too. Don't tell them yet," I said, gazing at the station wagon. "Let's go as far as we can just for . . ."
"Fun? I don't think Raven and Butterfly see this as fun anymore," Crystal said.
"No, not fun, just to feel we really tried. Okay?" "As long as you understand what the end will be," she said.
"I do." I swallowed down my sob and took a deep breath. She put her arm around me and hued me to her.
Crystal could be very affectionate sometimes. She wasn't all brains. She was just good at keeping her feelings under an armor of words and logic and facts. I had no doubt that in her quiet, private moments, she cried as much as any of the rest of us did.
"Let's wake them," I said, "and get back on the road."
She nodded and looked at me with those perceptive intense eyes of hers.
"I almost wish we were stopped and caught. It would be easier than giving up," she said.
I nodded.
"Yes, I suppose we could live with ourselves much easier then."
Butterfly was just rising when we opened the doors. Raven moaned and turned so she could bury her face in her pillow.
"Come on, Raven. We've got to put the back seat up and get going. I don't want anyone finding us here," I said, "and arresting us for trespassing."
She sat up, a look of exhaustion in her face.
"Slave drier," she said. "You should be working for the state prison system."
"We could all end up in it if we don't get moving," I replied.
She and Crystal fixed the back seat and then Raven got into the front and I started the engine. I backed out of the dead-end road and we were on our way again. When we saw a sign advertising an allyou-can-eat breakfast for one dollar, ninety- nine cents, Raven pleaded with Crystal.
"That's cheap enough so we don't have to brown bag it, isn't it, Crystal?"
Crystal relented and we stopped. It was cafeteria style and populated mostly by senior citizens.
"It's because they live on a strict fixed income," Crystal explained.
Many heads turned our way when we approached the line, got our trays and moved through.
"It almost feels like the Lakewood," Raven said. "I'm losing my appetite."
Nevertheless, she ate very well, going back for seconds on the scrambled eggs. We used the bathrooms, washed up, and got ready to get back on the road. In the parking lot, standing near our station wagon was an elderly lady wearing a coat that I thought was much too heavy for the time of year. She had at least a dozen brown and black bobby pins holding her wispy, gray hair up, strands falling loosely on the sides and back of her head. She wore no makeup, but her cheeks were rosy. Her dark eyes were small and her mouth, although full, slanted a bit in the right corner. When I mentioned that to Crystal, she sai
d she thought the woman might have had a stroke. She stood straight enough in granny shoes with heavy, thick heels. However, they looked like they had seen their best days about ten years ago.
She held a shopping bag that was stuffed with garments, its sides bulging. As we approached, she stared at us cautiously and then smiled at Butterfly, who flashed one of her prizewinners back.
"What a sweet little girl you are. My granddaughter Donna has hair like you, although yours is a little more like spun gold. What's your name?" she asked quickly.
"Janet," Butterfly said.
"Janet, you're going to be a beautiful lady someday. Just like my Marion. She could have been a movie star. Are you girls all by yourselves?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am," Crystal said. She looked cautiously at me and I started for the car door.
"I missed my ride," she said. "I got here too late and they left me behind."
I paused and raised my eyebrows. Crystal did the same.
"Who left you behind?" Raven asked.
"Friends of my dead husband," she said. "Once your husband dies, all his friends avoid you like the plague. Believe me," she said, "when he was alive, they were always around. Ain't that the truth? Ain't it though?"
"You were supposed to meet them in this parking lot and they left without you?" Crystal pursued like some lawyer cross-examining a witness.
"It's not the first time I've been left behind. When you're a widow, you have to fend for yourself more than you can imagine, girls. But you're all too young to worry about being widows. Old age isn't pleasant. Ain't that the truth? Ain't it though?"
Raven looked at me and then back at her. "Where are you going?"
"Oh just down to Morrisville. Forty miles or so. I'll have to walk to the bus station, I suppose," she said.
"Where's that?" Crystal asked.
"I'm not sure. I think it's . . ." She turned and then turned back. "I'll have to ask inside."
"Just a minute," Crystal said. She pulled her map out and spread it on the hood of the wagon. "Morrisville. That's not out of our way, Brooke. We'll drop you off, ma'am," she said.
"Would you? Isn't that nice of you? That's so sweet. Most people are not so sweet to strangers anymore. Thank you, darling Thank you."