Cooper bobbed his head again, as if he understood what I was saying.
“Maybe I should call him. He asked me to marry him again a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to do it on Valentine’s Day. Today. He wanted to surprise my family and plan an intimate ceremony on our ranch. I just couldn’t do it.”
Leaning my forehead against my horse, I let the tears fall. “I don’t know what to do, Cooper. I love him so much and I feel so empty when he’s not here. But I want him to be happy, and I feel broken.”
A soft whine came from my horse as he took a few steps away. His eyes piercing mine.
“I can’t hide out in here forever, can I?”
He took his foot and dug at the dirt.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
He kept going, hitting the ground harder and faster.
“Okay! Okay! I get it. I’m leaving, but it’s on you if I don’t come back tomorrow for your snack.”
Making my way out of the barn, I caught a glimpse of Steed coming down in the Mule with Jonathon sitting next to him. I slipped back into the barn and into Cooper’s stall. I slowly slid down and sat in the corner. I knew Cooper would ignore me; I’d slept in his stall on more than one occasion.
“Corina said she was walking down here, and Mitchell said she comes down here everyday.”
I could hear Jonathon sigh. “Tell me what I’m doing wrong, Steed. I’m trying to give her space, but I don’t want to give her too much space. I’m trying to figure out what she needs, but every time I talk to her she acts like she’s fine and tells me she’s just tired. I’m going out of my goddamn mind. I go to hug her or kiss her, and she fucking flinches. God, I don’t know what to do!”
Burying my face in my hands, I tried like hell not to cry.
“Jonathon, I wish I had some magical, fix-everything words for you, but I’m the worst person to give advice. I think it’s clear to all of us how much you love Waylynn, and I know she loves you. My parents are beside themselves trying to figure out what to do, too. She refuses to talk to anyone, and my mom said any time your name is brought up, Waylynn starts to talk about the studio.”
“She’s going back to work tomorrow. The doctor gave her clearance.”
“You went with her?” Steed asked. Guilt pulled in my stomach.
“Yes, but I had to find out from her mom when her appointment was. I showed up and asked to wait in the room, so she wouldn’t tell me to leave.”
Steed laughed. “I bet she was pissed when she saw you in there.”
“That’s putting it mildly. I think that’s why she refused to let me cook her dinner tonight. I know she’s staying back at her house now. I’ve been sitting outside until two in the morning, until I see her turn off her bedroom lights.”
I wiped my tears away and leaned my chin on my knees, trying to breathe slowly. I wanted to stand and tell them I was there, but it was too late. I’d already eavesdropped on the conversation too much. I could hear the hurt and confusion in Jonathon’s voice and it killed me. I had only one option and that was to break up with Jonathon.
Steed let out a sigh. “Damn, I wish I knew what to tell you.”
“Yeah, so do I. Let’s head on out. She’s probably walking one of the trails. I’ll try to give her a call later.”
I lifted my head and strained to hear as they walked out of the barn. Once I heard the Mule start, I stood and gave Cooper a pat.
“Thanks for not outing me, boy.”
He turned his back and neighed.
“Men. You all stick together, don’t you?” And as I walked out of the stall, and out of the barn, I made the decision that I had to walk out of Jonathon’s life for good.
Chapter Thirty
Waylynn
Dropping my phone on my desk, I glanced at my calendar. It had been seven weeks since the accident. I was back at work full-time, not teaching yet, but at least I was there. I’d missed the first month and a half of my dance studio being open and that pissed me off more than I wanted to admit. Maggie and Samantha had done an amazing job, and much to my surprise, Carrie Mills, my best friend from college, agreed to come teach gymnastics for me. She had also picked up the two and three-year-old classes since I wasn’t able to teach just yet.
I heard a sound in the courtyard. Jonathon was out there with Hope. She was showing him a spin she had learned, and he was trying to duplicate it. They had stopped by to pick up her backpack for school she’d left the night before. I knew it should have made me smile, but all it did was tear another piece off my heart.
“Hey, didn’t you hear me knocking?”
I discreetly wiped my tears away and faced my sister, Amelia. Plastering on a fake smile, I hugged her.
“Hi! How are you doing? To what do I owe this honor?”
Her eyes drifted past me to Jonathon and his sister, then back to me.
“Was going to see if you wanted to have lunch with me at Cord’s Place.”
“Umm…”
“I already asked Maggie if you had students coming, and she said there was only one class left and Carrie was teaching it.”
Damn Maggie. I was going to have to have a talk with her about letting people, even family, walk back to my office.
“I’ve got some paperwork to do.”
I could see the disappointment on her face.
“But sure, lunch sounds good.”
Reaching for my purse, I peeked out the window. Jonathon and Hope had left. My stomach dropped when I realized Jonathon hadn’t even come in to say hello. But I had no right to be disappointed when all I’d done for the past seven weeks was dismiss him. I followed my sister out of the dance studio and across the square to the other side.
“So, is that Irish place still planning on opening?” Amelia asked as we walked.
“Yep. There is a city council meeting tomorrow. I’m dying to watch Cord’s face when he realizes the girl he bumped into that night at the bar is the new owner. It sounds like it’s going to be more of a restaurant, but Tripp keeps feeding Cord stories about ‘an Irish Pub’ and how excited he is to have another bar on the square. He said Cord tells him to fuck off each time.”
We both laughed.
Amelia pulled open the door to Cord’s Place. “So, how have you been feeling?”
“Good. I’m feeling like my old self again,” I lied.
She stared, and I knew she could read right through it.
As we walked into the bar I noticed the place was empty except for our entire family sitting at a table. Stopping, I looked at Amelia.
“What’s going on?”
My mother stood and walked over to me with her hands out for mine.
“Waylynn, darling, we wanted to all be together as a family.”
I took a step back as I let my eyes drift across everyone. The only person who wasn’t sitting at the table was Jonathon.
“Why? What’s going on?” I asked, knowing damn well this was about me.
“Waylynn, you never were a good liar.”
I let out a gruff laugh. “Is that right?”
“You’re hurting and in pain. You need to talk about it, and if you won’t talk to Jonathon, you’re going to talk to your family.”
Swallowing hard, I faced Amelia. “You tricked me.”
“You’re putting off the pain, Waylynn, and we want to help you. You only went to the counselor a few times, and you need to get it out. It’s eating you up inside.”
“But tricking me into talking?”
“Waylynn…” Tripp started.
Putting my hand up to stop him from talking, I shook my head. “No. Y’all don’t get to decide when I talk about this. I can’t have kids and you all know that was my dream. What else is there to talk about?”
“What about Jonathon?” Cord asked.
I laughed and looked away. “He’ll come to his senses and see he’s better off with someone who can give him a family.”
“He wants you, Waylynn!” Amelia practically shouted.
&n
bsp; Tears slipped from my eyes. “I can’t, Amelia. I’m not the person he fell in love with. I can’t give him the things he wants…the things we both wanted so badly.” I turned as a sob escaped my throat.
“Bullshit!” Trevor said, standing and walking over to me. “All he wants is you. You can have kids together. Maybe not the traditional way you wanted, but you still can.”
My hand covered my mouth to muffle the sobs. “You don’t understand, Trevor.”
“Then tell me, goddammit. Explain it to me.”
I turned away and buried my face in my hands. My mother wrapped me in her arms and whispered, “Let it out, sweetheart. You have to let the anger and hurt out.”
Pulling away, I wiped the tears and glared at everyone.
“You want me to explain it to you? I can’t have fucking kids, Trevor!” Pointing to the entire table, I kept going, my voice void of any steadiness as I forced the words out. “All of you can sit there and tell me it’s okay, but it’s not okay!” I screamed.
“Oh my God, nothing about this is okay! I cannot have kids! Ever! I will never be able to see a baby bump growing, or feel a child move inside of me. Never have my husband lovingly put his hand over my stomach and talk to our child.”
Tears flowed now and I didn’t care. I was actually surprised I had any left. It gutted me to see the hurt on their faces. The pity. My brothers wiped tears away as my father wrapped his arm around my mother. They were hurting as well…but not nearly as much as I was.
“I’ll never experience what giving birth is like or the excitement of finding out I’m pregnant. It’s all…it’s all been taken away from me. So, don’t sit there and tell me I need to fucking move on! I don’t want to move on! I don’t want to sit here and watch all of you have what I can’t have.” I was crying so hard now I could hardly talk between sobs. “I don’t…want to watch…Jonathon…look…at other women’s bellies and wish…wish that was me.”
I started to feel my legs give out, and Trevor was right there to catch me. Slowly dropping to the ground, I buried my face in his chest. His arms wrapped around me tightly.
“It was all I ever…wanted. And I wanted it with him.”
Slowly rocking us on the floor, Trevor whispered against my head. “I know, honey. But you can’t push him away any longer.”
It felt like I cried forever into my brother’s chest. I gripped his T-shirt so hard I was surprised it didn’t rip.
My mother rubbed her hand down my back. Over and over she said, “Let it out, baby. Let it all out.”
Pulling back, I looked at Trevor. “Will you take me home? I just want to be alone.”
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I don’t think you should be alone.”
My chin trembled. “I just want to sleep.”
He stood and picked me up in his arms. I didn’t want to look back at anyone. If I did, I would see the pity in their eyes.
“Come on, let’s get you home,” Trevor said as he walked past Amelia and my mother.
“Trev, call once you get her home.”
I didn’t remember anything. Not Trevor putting me in his truck, not the drive back to the ranch, not even Trevor carrying me into my bedroom and laying me on the bed.
“Waylynn, I’ve got a water and some Advil here for you.”
I had my back to him as I stared out the large window in my bedroom. “Thanks, Trev.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder, pulling me to face him. “Take it for me. I know that drop to the floor had to hurt your stomach.”
I slowly sat up and took the water and pills. After popping them into my mouth, I took a long drink.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“After we left, Mom and Dad came back to the ranch and everyone else stayed at the bar for a bit.”
Nodding, I took in a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to break down like that.”
“I’m glad you did, and I’m glad you said what you said.”
“Corina is probably afraid to even look at me now.”
He shook his head. “Hardly. She’s coming over later to bring you some food.”
I rubbed the side of my head and let out a breath. “I have a headache.”
“Rest for a bit. I’m going to be in the living room if you need anything.”
Chewing my lip, I felt my eyes burn with the threat of more tears. “You don’t have to babysit me, Trev. I’m not going to do anything.”
He laughed. “Hell, I know that. I want to be here. I’m waiting for my relief.”
With a roll of my eyes, I groaned. “Oh great, now y’all think I need to be monitored.”
Kissing me on the forehead, he chuckled. “Hardly. Get some sleep.”
I stared out the window. My mind kept drifting back to one thing…and it wasn’t the fact that I couldn’t have kids. It was Jonathon. I’d ignored him so much the last few weeks. When he was with me, I hardly spoken two words to him. The fact that he had swung by the dance studio earlier and not bothered to even stop and say hi scared me shitless. What if I had pushed him away enough that he was beginning to see the light? I was unable to give him a child, or the love he deserved. This was what I wanted after all, wasn’t it?
My eyes closed, and I laid there silently crying.
“Jonathon,” I whispered as I felt the entire room fill with warmth. I didn’t even have to look to know he was there.
The bed moved, and I held my breath.
“When I walk into any room with you in it, I am engulfed by your presence. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced.”
Unable to keep the sobs at bay, I turned to face him.
“What are you doing here?” I managed to ask as I sat up.
“Do you realize you have ignited a spark so deep inside of me, that no matter how much you push me away, it only burns deeper? You can try and disappear, but I swear to God, Waylynn Parker, I will wait for you a thousand years if I have to. There will never be anyone I love like I love you.”
My hand covered my mouth as I listened to him speak.
“You think you’re broken, but I don’t. What I see is the most amazing woman I’ve ever known, and I cannot wait to start my life with you. I promise you that I will always come to your rescue time and time again. You can pull me in and push me away, but I will always be right here. I love you, Waylynn Parker, and if you told me you would marry me today, I would marry you and happily spend the rest of my life with you.”
I rubbed the back of my hand across my snotty nose. “Wh-what about kids?”
He gave me the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. “We can still have kids. Maybe not the way we thought, but we can have as many kids are you want. I’ll make it happen.”
Crawling out from the covers, I threw myself into his body as he wrapped his arms around me.
“I love you so much. So very much.”
Burying his face into me, he replied, “And I love you. More than you’ll ever know.”
Drawing back, we gazed into each other’s eyes. Jonathon lifted his hands and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. “No more crying, okay? We’re going to talk about this any time you feel like you need to, right?”
I nodded. “I promise you. I’m so sorry I pushed you away when I should have relied on your love to get us through this.”
Tilting my chin up, he kissed me gently on the lips. I knew he didn’t blame me, and I loved him for not giving up on us.
When he broke the kiss, I instantly realized how much I had missed him these last few weeks.
“Please, tell me Trevor is gone.”
He laughed. “Yes, I was his relief. I had to bring Hope back to school after we had lunch together. Trevor called to let me know what happened and that he was at the house waiting for me to get here.”
“I sort of broke down.”
“Sometimes we need to let the hurt bring us to our knees before we can start healing.”
Staring into his eyes, I took a shaky breath. “I’m still hurting, a
nd I’m not sure if I’ll ever stop.”
Jonathon brushed a piece of hair from my face. “There is nothing wrong with admitting that. But when the pain gets to be too much, I’m here for you.”
“The same goes for me. I know I’m not the only one who lost something, and I haven’t been here for you at all. I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head. “You’re incredible, do you know that?”
“Yes.”
Laughing, he cupped my face with his hands. “May I please make love to you?”
My lips pressed together to keep my emotions in check. Once I felt like I could talk and not cry, I responded.
“I was wondering when you would ask.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon in bed together. Jonathon was so tender. When he kissed my scar, I cried again, but my tears soon dried as he slowly made love to me. Whispering in my ear how much he loved me. Loved my body. It was in that moment I knew whatever God had in store for me, I was ready. All my well laid-out plans over the years, He had to prove again and again to me that I wasn’t actually the one in control…He was. And whatever plans He had for us, I was ready to face them, good and bad. Not only because this experience made me stronger, but because I had Jonathon Turner by my side and together we would be able to face anything.
Chapter Thirty-One
Jonathon
“Holy shit. I don’t think I’ve ever remembered it being so cold.”
I glanced up to see Mitchell wrapped in a winter coat and scarf, walking through the door.
Cord laughed. “Dude, you look like a pussy with that scarf wrapped around your face. It’s February. It’s supposed to be cold.”
“Fuck you, Cord. I’m warm, and that’s all that matters.”
Tripp walked up to his brother and laughed. “You look like you just came down off a mountain.” He pulled the knitted hat off Mitchell’s head.
“You know what, you two work inside. I don’t! I’ve been out chasing down a damn fucking rogue cow who refused to leave the damn pasture.”
“A rogue cow?” I asked, trying not to laugh.