CHAPTER SIX: CHARLIE
Charlie shoveled down his roast beef and mashed potatoes, apparently under the impression that he would be spending this evening with his father just as they had spent the last—watching television until his eyes drooped. “Can we watch cartoons now?” he asked once he’d had his fill, confirming Vince’s suspicions of why he had eaten so fast.
Vince grinned and pointed to a small pile of cooked carrots on Charlie’s plate. “Veggies.”
“But I don’t like cooked carrots…”
“You don’t want to grow up big and strong?”
“Like you?” Charlie asked with irony he would never understand.
“Yup, just like me. Carrots are good for your eyes, too, you know.”
“Do they give you X-ray vision?” Charlie asked playfully.
“You know what, I haven’t heard of a case of X-ray vision from eating carrots, but you never know, you could be the first…” Vince watched as Charlie still eyed his carrots with contempt. “I do know one thing for sure, though. No carrots, no cartoons.”
Charlie huffed. Vince just stared at Charlie until the latter picked up his fork and stuck some of the offensive orange chunks into his mouth. He made a face. Vince knew he shouldn’t be giving him attention, reinforcing the bad behavior with affection, but he couldn’t help but lean forward and kiss Charlie on the forehead. “I love you. I’ll go wait for you in the living room. Don’t keep me waiting too long, okay?”
“Can I eat in the living room?”
“No way, kiddo. You know the rules.” Vince sat on the couch and looked round him. The apartment in the quiet Minneapolis suburb had felt tiny when Vince had rented it once he’d been sure of the demise of his marriage. It had been a downgrade for sure. It had been even more painful to lose the house to foreclosure shortly after Kate’s death—after the loss of a second income crucial to the payments on a home that had been too much for them. Losing the house had meant that Vince and Charlie hadn’t even had the option of starting anew in their old home. It had also cornered Vince into keeping the apartment for a few more years while he tried to undo the financial damage.
But as prison-like as the apartment sometimes felt, Vince had begun to feel like there was room for one more person there. If one measured it in square feet, of course, the place was small. There was no arguing that. But it wasn’t full.
“Now can we watch cartoons?” Charlie begged once he’d finished his dinner.
“Just one show. Then I want to talk to you about something, okay?”
“Am I in trouble?” Charlie asked.
“No, not at all. Wanna sit in my lap?”
Charlie climbed onto his father’s knees, then leaned back. Vince tried to use the twenty minutes of cartoon time to bolster his confidence, but he knew he could only be so strong when it came to telling his little boy, his reason for living, such devastating news. He’d been able to keep relatively calm with most of the adults, but his own helpless flesh and blood? Little tore him apart like knowing when Charlie was in pain or danger. Having to tell him his mother had passed away had been the most difficult moment of his life so far, even if Charlie had not yet reached the age of three and had barely been old enough to string sentences together.
“One more?” Charlie pleaded when the credits started to roll.
“Maybe in a little bit, buddy. Remember how I said I needed to talk to you?”
“Oh yeah,” Charlie said, turning to the side so that he could still sit on his father’s knee but look at him as well.
Vince took the remote from Charlie and turned the television off to remove any distractions. “First off, know that I love you.”
Charlie grinned. “How much?”
“More than anything or anyone in the whole wide world,” Vince replied softly. Charlie looked somewhat disappointed, having expected his father’s arms to open wide to show him how much. That was certainly more fun for him. “Now, what I’m about to tell you is very important. So I need you to listen closely, all right?” Vince went on, waiting for Charlie’s nod and placing a hand on his lower back, completely covering it. He’s still so little.
“Do you remember how I told you and Auntie Jen that I came home from work today because I wasn’t feeling well?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, as it turns out,” Vince said, pausing to take a ragged breath and evaluate his own readiness. It didn’t matter. However it came out, Charlie needed to know. “As it turns out, I’m very sick.”
“Do you want some of my cough medicine, Daddy?”
“This isn’t a sickness that your cold medicine can fix, Charlie, but thank you.” Finally, Vince’s drowning eyes convinced Charlie that the truth was something far worse than a cold.
“Don’t cry, Daddy. You just have to go to the doctor’s. She makes me feel better when I’m sick.”
Vince couldn’t suppress a small smile at Charlie’s attempts to help. “The doctors can’t really help me either, buddy. I even went to a very special doctor who knows all about the kind of illness I have.”
“What kind of sick are you?”
“I have cancer, Charlie. Have you ever heard of that?” Charlie shook his head, his lower lip pushing out at the sight of his father breaking down in front of him. “There are a lot of different types of cancer. The kind I have is in a few places, but it started in my pancreas.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a part of my insides, by my stomach. The pancreas does a lot of things that make a body work properly.”
“Is it ’cause that guy shot you in the tummy a long time ago?”
“No, no, buddy. That’s not how cancer works. My pancreas is just…sick.”
“Is it broken?”
“In a way, yes. It’s going to get harder and harder for it to do its job.”
“Can’t you get a new one? My friend’s grandma got a new hip.”
“Come here,” Vince said in a breath, drawing Charlie nearer. “I can’t get a new one, Charlie. I’m too sick. And the sickness is spreading to other parts of me. And cancer is difficult to cure. This kind won’t go away like a cold or the flu.”
“What happens if it won’t go away?”
Vince sucked in a deep, shaky breath that almost threw him into convulsions. He wanted more than anything—save for a miracle, of course—to remain poised right now, but the more frustrated he got with himself for his inability to do so, the more fitfully his body responded. “Charlie, you know how Mommy died and went to heaven?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, eventually—not right away, but in several months, which is actually a very long time for you—that’s going to happen to me, too. But in the meantime,” Vince added out of selfishness, not knowing if he could handle Charlie’s questions regarding death just yet, “I will be going to the doctor’s office some days to get some special cancer medicine. This medicine will help me live longer, but it won’t keep me alive forever. It won’t fix things. Do you understand?”
“Are you not gonna come back, just like Mommy?” Vince squeezed Charlie so tightly that the latter squirmed in his arms. “Daddy, you’re hurting me.”
Vince let go with one arm. “I’m sorry, Charlie. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He cleared the mess below his nose with the back of his hand. The tears would dry on their own once they stopped, hopefully sooner rather than later. “No, buddy, I won’t be able to come back. Just like Mommy can’t come back. I really don’t want to have to leave in the first place, but it isn’t my choice. I really wish I could stay with you forever. I wish that with all my heart.”
“Are you sick because of when I was sick?” Charlie asked, Vince supposed in reference to a bug he’d brought home from school the week prior.
“I need you to listen to me very carefully when I say this,” Vince said almost in a panic, scooting Charlie back out on his knee so he could look him in the eye. Charlie was shedding some tears now, too. “I’m sick for no reason, really. Sometimes big people just g
et cancer and there’s nothing they can do about it. And there’s nothing you can do about it, and nothing you did caused this. This is not your fault at all. Do you understand?”
Charlie just nodded and his little hands squeezed at Vince’s sides, which was as far around as he could reach.
“Like I said, this won’t happen for a while. So there’s nothing to worry about yet, all right? I know you’re a big boy, though, and I know you like when grown-ups tell you the truth.” Charlie nodded against him. “Do you have any questions? You can ask me absolutely anything.”
“Who’s gonna take care of me when you go away? Where am I gonna live?”
“Who do you love most in the world besides me?” Vince asked, trying to add some brightness to the conversation.
“Auntie Jen.”
“Then that’s who will take care of you. Very, very good care of you. You’ll live with her, which will be a lot like things are now, except that you’ll be at her house all the time instead of just after school and when I’m away. She’ll make sure you have everything you need, just like she always has. But for now, I told my boss I won’t be coming to work anymore after next Tuesday. I’ll try to make sure I go to the doctor’s office for my medicine while you’re at school, that way I’m home with you when you get out. How does that sound?”
“Good,” Charlie said with a smile.
Thoughts had crossed Vince’s mind already pertaining to what he would do once he could no longer function reliably enough to take care of Charlie and things around the apartment. He was toying with the notion of asking Jenna if they could move in with her once things got to be too much to handle, which would also help with Charlie’s transition, but that was further down the road than he cared to go right now.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Should I should ask Miss Nancy to pray for you at Sunday school?”
Vince buried his face in Charlie’s hair. “I think that’s a very good idea. I would appreciate that very much.”
“I love you, Daddy. Don’t be sad.”
“I’m sorry that I’m so sad, Charlie. It’s hard not to be, but I’ll try and be more brave for you.”
“I know!” Charlie said excitedly, prying himself free from his father’s grip and trotting off to his room. He was perfectly calm when he came back with Chip in tow a moment later, holding on to him by only the ear that had seen better days. “You can have Chip, Daddy. He makes me feel better.”
Vince leaned forward and held his hand out for the spotted dog. “But you’ve had Chip since you were a baby, Charlie. Mommy got him for you before you were even born.”
“I want you to have him. Then you won’t be so sad.”
“I think you’re right. You know what?” Vince said, mustering up some strength and optimism. “He’s helping me already.”
“See? I told you.”
“Thank you, Charlie.”
“It helps if you sleep with him, too.”
“Oh yeah? I’ll have to try that.”
Proud of his work, Charlie climbed back into his dad’s lap and got comfortable again. “Can we watch more cartoons now?”