He inhaled sharply and then reached out and snagged her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I have to go.”
“Because I’m not important enough to be the reason for you to stay?”
“You’re important,” he said tightly, whipping her around to face him. “You’re so damn important to me that I’m actually not sure I can take it.”
“You were taking it just fine,” she managed to point out.
“Because I thought I knew who I was.”
“You still know.”
He was already shaking his head. “No, I don’t. And I’m done here in Sunshine.”
“You mean you’re done with us.”
He stared at her. “Us?”
“Yes. I actually thought you had real feelings for me.”
“I do have real feelings for you,” he said. “But I have things to take care of. I have a life to lead. And that life isn’t here.”
“Why, because you’re not Donald Reid’s blood?” she asked. “What does that matter? This is your home.”
“No,” he said with terrifying stillness. “It’s not. I don’t belong here. I never did.”
She stared at him, at the absolute, resolute determination on his face, and she knew she was talking to a brick wall. A brick wall that had just broken her heart. “So. DC?”
“Teaching and training,” he said curtly.
“Just like that.”
“I’ve been entertaining offers since I got here, you knew that. Just as you knew I was here for two weeks max, that we could never have been more than a two-week thing.”
Bullshit. Such bullshit. “So this is it, then?” she asked. “We’re . . . done?”
A muscle ticked in his jaw, nothing more.
She stepped close and put a hand on his chest to feel his heart beating steady and sure beneath her palm, which was reassuring, because for a moment she’d thought maybe he’d turned to stone. “I’m in love with you, Griffin.”
He closed his eyes.
“What?” she said quietly. “Do you not want to hear me say it, or do you not want me to feel it?”
“I have nothing to offer you,” he said just as quietly. “I’m a soldier, or I was. Now I’m . . . hell. I have no idea, but it’s nothing much.”
“You offer me the same things you’ve always offered me,” she said. “No one but you has ever taken me outside all the daily grind and responsibility. You make me more than a teacher or a sister. You make me feel sexy and fun. Griffin, when I’m with you, the rest of the world just drops away. It has nothing to do with the fact that you could be dropped anywhere in the world and find the explosives or that you can make a shelter out of nothing. You have value outside of being a soldier. So much.”
He was already shaking his head. “Kate—”
“No, please. Please, don’t,” she said. “I don’t want excuses about why you can’t love me. I’ve probably heard it all before.”
She started to leave, but he caught her at the door, pinning her between the hard wood and his even harder body. He stood with his chest to her back, a hand holding the door closed on either side of her head. “I love you too, Kate.”
Her heart stopped.
“I love you so goddamn much it hurts,” he said.
This had her heart starting again, at full speed, thundering in her ears. Don’t overreact, she told herself. His declaration had clearly been made under extreme emotional duress. On a normal day he’d never have admitted it to her, and she knew it. “But?” she managed. “Because I definitely sense a but at the end of that sentence.” She paused, but he didn’t say a word, and it hit her so hard that she could only spin to stare at him in shock for a long moment. “I just figured it out,” she whispered. “The difference between us.”
He just looked at her.
“Yeah, you give off this badass, adventurous vibe,” she said. “Like you’re up for anything. But you’re not.”
“Kate—”
“No, it’s true. You’re only adventurous physically. But not with your heart. That’s me,” she said. “I’m the adventurous one.” God, who’d have thought it? “I’m the one,” she repeated, rubbing her aching chest. “Because I’ll follow my heart anywhere.” She sniffed. “I’d follow it to DC if that’s what worked. I’d do whatever it took.”
There was a beat of stunned silence, and she had no idea who was more shocked, herself or Griffin.
“Kate,” he finally said, sounding raw to the bone. “Your life is here. You love it here. You’re going to get your master’s and then come back and get married and have kids and a great life. Right here in Sunshine.”
“First,” she said fiercely, finding her mad. “You don’t get to tell me what I’m going to have. And second, I don’t necessarily dream of children and a white picket fence.” She paused, waiting for him to look at her. “But I dream of you, Griffin.”
He opened his mouth and then shut it. Apparently, she’d rendered him speechless.
“I don’t want you to plan your life around me,” he finally said.
She’d argue that he was worth it, but there was no point. She couldn’t make him want this. And even more important, she couldn’t take this thing with him backward. She couldn’t go from what they’d had these past two weeks, with the crazy need, the lazy lovemaking in the middle of the night when he’d spent hours worshipping every inch of her, back to boundaries and bare-minimum contact. She couldn’t pretend to be okay when she knew there was more. He’d ruined her for other men, damn him. “Explain one thing to me,” she said. “Explain how you not being Donald Reid’s blood is chasing you out of here, out of Sunshine, when you’d decided to stay.”
“I told you. I don’t belong here now.”
“That’s just dumb. Sunshine’s still your hometown. Nothing changes that. Not even blood.”
He let out a low laugh, utterly without mirth. “Even the fucking name of the town . . .” he muttered, and scrubbed a hand over his head. “Look, you love it here,” he said. “You love to cook and feed your family and teach the kids, and you’re . . . hell, Kate. You are Sunshine. But not me. I was wrong before. I can’t . . . I don’t fit into this cozy little world; it’s not me. It’s not my perfect little world like it is yours.”
She stared at him. “There is something seriously wrong with you if you think my life is perfect.”
“You have a family who loves and adores you.”
“You think Donald doesn’t love you?”
He shrugged. “I thought I could come here and make it right. But I’m not his son. I’ll never be his son.”
“Griffin . . . look at who you’ve become. You’re brave and strong and giving and heroic . . . You’re the best person I know. So does it really matter who provided the one-in-a-million sperm that hit the egg?”
He stared at her for a long beat during which time she allowed herself a kernel of hope because she could see things in his gaze. Affection. Need. Even love.
But then that all vanished, and his expression went blank. The soldier’s expression. “This wasn’t my intention,” he said. “Falling for you.”
“No?” she asked. “What was your intention?”
He didn’t answer her directly. “I got carried away in the moment. You were so . . . open and warm and—”
“Oh my God. If you say sweet,” she warned.
A very small smile curved his mouth. “Hot. Smart. Irresistible.” His smile made its way to his eyes. “A pain in my ass.” He held her gaze. “You’re dangerous to me, Kate.”
He was a demolitions expert, and he thought she was dangerous. It was a bitter pill, even though she knew exactly what he meant.
She was dangerous to his heart.
Well, join the club, she thought.
“I have to do this,” he said. “I have a flight out tomorrow.”
“So this is good-bye, then,” she said with far more calm than she felt. Stupid man . . .
“We’ll see each other,” he said.
?
??When? How?”
“You want a plan?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“I can’t give you one. We’ll be on opposite sides of the country. But there’s e-mail,” he said. “Skype. Texts.”
As sure as she knew she loved him, she also knew she’d never be happy like this. She shook her head. Going to him, she cupped his face, kissed him softly, then headed to the door.
“Kate.”
She walked out and he didn’t stop her. Driving home on autopilot, she let herself in, slid to the floor, and let herself have a good cry. Then, still sniffling and hiccupping, she went to her computer and did it. She hit Send on her acceptance letter.
She stared at the sent e-mail until it blurred, and then she called Ryan. “Did it.”
“Did what?” he asked.
“Sent my acceptance letter.”
There was a beat of silence. “Are you crying?” he asked warily
“No.”
“Good,” he said with a huge sigh of relief.
She burst into tears.
“Ah, Christ,” he said. “What the hell happened?”
“Griffin said I was a pain in his ass.”
“You’re a pain in everyone’s ass.”
“I b—broke up with him,” she sobbed.
There was a pained silence. “Is that why you sent your letter?” he asked.
“No.” She swiped her nose on her sleeve. “I want to dissect cow brains.”
“Good answer. Do you need anything?”
“If I said yes, would you come over with ice cream?”
“No. But I’d send Holly.”
She disconnected.
Twenty-six
Holly showed up at Kate’s less than an hour later. Her eyes were as red-rimmed as Kate’s, and she held a gallon of ice cream.
“He’s still my brother,” Holly said.
“Of course he is,” Kate said.
“And he’s still your . . .” She trailed off when Kate’s eyes filled and she shook her head.
“Oh, honey,” Holly whispered, reaching for her. “He’ll come around.”
Again Kate shook her head.
They watched Friends season ten on DVD, their go-to stress reliever. Later, after Holly was gone, Kate’s phone rang. She allowed her heart to leap into her throat, but it wasn’t Griffin. And why would it be? She’d walked away, told him to go. He wouldn’t want to cause her any further pain. He’d give her what she asked for.
Damn, stupid, shortsighted, stubborn man.
It was her dad, and he sounded a little stressed as he asked her to come over ASAP. Kate rushed over there and then came to a startled stop in the kitchen when her dad, Tommy, and Ashley popped up with a cake and yelled, “Surprise!”
Well, Ashley and Tommy yelled surprise, her dad yelled congratulations, and then he sighed. “We forgot to work on that part.” He pushed the lit cake toward Kate. “Ryan told us you’d accepted at UCSD. We’re celebrating.”
“We didn’t burn the cake,” Tommy said proudly.
“And it only took three tries,” Ashley said.
Kate blew out the candles and tried to smile, but she got all choked up and couldn’t talk.
“Uh-oh,” Tommy said, and well-versed in women, even at the tender age of seven, he hauled out a box of tissues and gingerly pushed it toward her before escaping the room.
Ashley went to the freezer for ice cream, making Kate laugh through her tears. “I’m okay, Ashley.”
“Okay,” her sister said, obviously relieved that they didn’t have to talk about it. “Well . . . I’ve gotta . . .” She gestured vaguely to the other room and then vanished.
Kate blew her nose and looked at her dad. “You want to run off, too?”
“Nah. Not much scares me.” He paused. “You’re still worried about going?”
“No.”
“You upset with us?”
“No! Never.”
He gave her a long look.
“Okay, sometimes,” she admitted, “but that’s not it.”
“Griffin?” he asked.
She went still and then pulled free.
“Bingo,” he said quietly. “You broke up?”
“We weren’t ever together, not really.”
He looked into her eyes for a long moment. “I see.”
She didn’t know how he could when she didn’t.
“I really hope you’re going away for you,” he said. “Not because you need to run away.”
“I don’t need to go anywhere. Griffin’s going. To DC for a job—” She broke off when her phone rang.
It was Kel, the local sheriff. “Dustin Anders has gone missing,” he said without preamble. “Do you have any information on where he might be?”
* * *
The incident command was set up outside of the Anders’s home and, by the time Kate drove home, the search had been organized and was under way.
Trevan grabbed Kate by the arm the second she arrived, dragged her off to the side of the controlled chaos. “He’s not with you?” he demanded.
“No. Why would he be?” She struggled to free herself, but he held tight.
“He left the house to see you,” Trevan said, low and rough in her ear. His face was hard and carved from stone, his expression dialed to pissed off. “So where the hell did he go?”
She felt a presence at her back and knew without looking that it was Griffin.
“Let go of her,” he said with dead calm.
Trevan’s eyes darkened, but he let go of Kate.
“Why was Dustin coming to see me?” Kate asked Trevan.
“He’d finished his math and wanted to show you. Wanted to make sure you knew he was trying to pass.”
Kel appeared and nodded to Trevan. “Need to ask you a few more questions.”
Trevan gave Kate one last hard look and went with Kel. When they were gone, she turned to face Grif.
He had his blank face on.
She didn’t have a blank face or anything close to it. Tension shimmered between them. Or maybe that was just her need to smack him. “I had that under control,” she said stiffly. “In fact I was just about to use one of the moves you taught me to level him flat as a pancake.” She was proud of her even voice when she really just wanted to throw herself into his arms and seek comfort. Griffin gave good comfort.
But he wasn’t hers.
“I’d have liked to see that,” he said. “Sorry I robbed you of