Even back then, he'd wanted to know my thoughts and opinions on everything. No flitting of my young mind was too trivial or boring for him. In time, I'd told him about my past, my aspirations, my fears, my hopes, and my insecurities, all the things I'd never imagined sharing with anyone. I'd always been afraid of opening up to anyone. I'd wanted to be a strong, independent woman, not some damaged waif with a background straight out of the worst Dickensian melodrama. I hid my background or, if someone found out, pretended it hadn't made a difference, hadn't affected me. With Clay, all that had changed. I'd wanted him to know everything about me, so I could be sure he knew what I was and that he loved me anyway. He'd listened and he'd stayed. More than that, he'd reciprocated. He'd told me about his childhood, losing his parents in some trauma he couldn't remember, being adopted, not fitting in at school, being ridiculed and shunned, getting into trouble and being expelled so often he seemed to go through schools the way I'd gone through foster parents. He'd told me so much that I'd been sure I knew him completely. Then I'd found out how wrong I'd been. Sometimes that deception hurt worse than being bitten.
CHAPTER 25
TURBULENCE
When Philip returned from work it was past midnight. Clay and I were watching a late movie. I was stretched out on the couch. Clay was on the recliner, hogging the popcorn. Philip walked in, stood behind the sofa, and watched the screen for a few minutes.
"Horror?" he said. "You know, I haven't seen a horror flick since I was in university." He walked around the couch and sat beside me. "What's this one?"
"Evil Dead II," I said, reaching for the remote. "I'm sure there's something else on."
"No, no. Leave it." He looked at Clay. "You like horror films?"
Clay was silent a moment, then grunted something noncommittal.
"Clay's not keen on horror," I said. "Too much violence. He's very squeamish. I have to switch channels if things get gory."
Clay snorted.
"This one's pure camp," I said to Philip. "It's a sequel. Horror sequels suck."
"Scream 2," Clay said.
"That's an exception only because the writers knew that sequels suck and played it up."
"Uh-uh," Clay said. "The idea--" He stopped, glanced at Philip who was following our conversation like a Ping-Pong tournament, and stuffed a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
"Pass it over," I said.
"I bought it."
"And cooked it in my microwave. Pass it."
"There's two more bags in the kitchen."
"I want that one. Pass it over."
He tossed the bowl onto the table and booted it toward me with his foot.
"It's empty!" I said.
Philip laughed. "I can tell you two knew each other as kids."
Silence ticked by. Then Clay heaved himself to his feet.
"I'll be in the shower," he said.
The next day was Saturday. Philip went golfing, leaving before I woke up. Golf was one sport I avoided. It demanded too little of me physically and too much behaviorally. Last fall, I'd agreed to try it, so Philip gave me two lists of course rules. One was on how to play the sport. The other was on how to dress and behave while playing the sport. Now, I was well aware that certain sports required certain modes of dress for protection, but I failed to see how wearing a sleeveless blouse on the course qualified as a safety hazard. God forbid the sight of my bare shoulders should send male golfers into a tizzy, knocking balls everywhere. I had enough to worry about in life without measuring the length of my shorts to see if they complied to course standards. Besides, after a couple rounds with Philip, I discovered golf really wasn't my thing. Whacking the hell out of a ball was great for working off aggression, but apparently it wasn't the point of the game. So Philip golfed. I didn't.
After golf, the three of us went out for lunch, undoubtedly marking the first time in ten years that I haven't enjoyed a meal. For twenty excruciating minutes, Philip tried to engage Clay in conversation. He'd have had better luck addressing his salad. To save him, I started a running monologue, which I then had to sustain until the bill arrived, thirty-eight minutes and twenty seconds later. At that point, Clay miraculously regained his voice, suggesting that we walk back to the apartment, knowing full well that we'd brought Philip's car, which meant Philip would have to drive back alone. Before I could argue, Philip suddenly remembered he had some work to do at the office, so if we didn't mind walking back, he'd drive straight there. This agreed, both men bolted for the exit like escaping convicts, leaving me to scrounge up the tip.
Sunday morning, while Philip golfed, Clay and I did the boring weekly chores like cleaning, laundry, and grocery shopping. When we returned from getting groceries, there was a message from Philip on the machine. I called him back.
"How was your game?" I asked when he answered.
"Not good. I was calling about dinner."
"You're not going to make it?"
"Actually, I wanted to ask you out for dinner. Something nice." He paused. "Just the two of us."
"Great."
"That's not a problem?"
"Not at all. Clay can fend for himself. He hates fancy meals. Besides, he didn't bring any dress-up clothes."
"What does he wear for interviews?"
Whoops. "It's academic," I said. "Very laid-back."
"Good." Another pause. "After dinner I thought we could take in a show. Maybe find half-price same-day tickets to something."
"Might not be easy on a holiday weekend, but we can manage something."
"I thought we'd"--throat clear--"go alone. The two of us."
"That's what I figured. Do you want me to make reservations? Get the tickets?"
"No, I'll handle it. I should be there by six. You might want to tell Clayton we'll be late getting in tonight. Dinner, a show, drinks or coffee afterward."
"Sounds great."
Philip was silent a moment, as if expecting me to say more. When I didn't he said good-bye and we signed off.
Dinner was another nightmare meal. Not that anything went wrong. I almost wished it had. If our reservations had been given away or if our food had arrived cold, at least we'd have had something to talk about. Instead, we sat for over an hour acting like two people on a first date after it became clear there wouldn't be a second. We didn't seem to know what to say to each other. Oh, we talked. Philip told me about the lakeside condo campaign he was working on. I told an amusing little story about a gaffe the premier had made at the latest scrum. We discussed Toronto's ideas for rejuvenating the harbor front. We complained about the latest talk of TTC fare increases. We discussed the Jays' early chances for the pennant race. In short, we talked about everything two near-strangers would discuss over dinner. Worse yet, we discussed these topics with the desperation of near-strangers terrified of dead silence. By dessert, we'd run out of subjects. Behind us, three men barely past acne were trumpeting their success with dot-com stocks loud enough that people on the street would know about their good fortune. I was about to make some eye-rolling comment to Philip, then stopped myself. I wasn't sure how he'd react. Would my remark sound overly negative? Snide? It was the sort of observation Clay would appreciate. But Philip? I wasn't sure, so I kept quiet.
As the server refilled our coffees, Philip cleared his throat.
"So," he said. "How much longer do you expect your cousin will be with us?"
"A few days probably. Is that a problem? I know he can be a jerk--"
"No, no. That's not it." He managed a wan smile. "I must say, he's not the most pleasant company, but I'll survive. It's just been ... strange."
"Strange?"
Philip shrugged. "I guess it's because you two have known each other so long. There's a real ... I don't know. I sense ..." He shook his head. "It's just me, hon. I'm feeling a bit left out. Not the most mature response in the world. I don't know ..." He tapped his fingers against his coffee cup, then met my eyes. "Was there something ...?" He trailed off.
"What?"
"Never mind." A sip of coffee. "Is he having any luck finding work?"
"He's setting some things in motion at U of T. Once that's a go, he'll move out."
"So he's staying in Toronto?"
"For a while."
Philip opened his mouth, hesitated, then took another swig of coffee.
"So," he said. "Did you hear Mayor Mel's latest pronouncement?"
We hadn't been able to get last-minute tickets for any decent shows, so we ended up seeing a movie instead, then going to a jazz bar for drinks. By the time we returned to the apartment, it was almost two. Clay wasn't there. While Philip went into the bedroom to get his cell phone and retrieve messages, Clay wheeled in the door, cheeks flushed.
"Hey," he said, gaze darting past me to look for Philip.
"He's in the bedroom," I said. "Did you go for a run?"
"Without you?"
Clay walked into the kitchen. Seconds later he returned with a bottle of water, uncapped it, gulped half, and held the rest out to me. I shook my head.
"Please tell me you were exercising downstairs in the gym," I said.
Clay took another drink of water.
"Damn you," I muttered, dropping onto the sofa. "You promised you wouldn't follow me tonight."
"No, you told me not to follow you. I didn't answer. My job here is to protect you. That's what I'm gonna do, darling."
"I don't need--"
Philip reappeared from the bedroom. "Bad news." He looked from Clay to me. "Oh, am I interrupting something?"
Clay guzzled his water and headed for the kitchen.
"What's the bad news?" I asked.
"Emergency meeting tomorrow." He sighed. "Yes, it's Victoria Day. I know. I'm really sorry, hon. But I called Blake and bumped our golf game up to eight o'clock, so I'll have time to play and take you out to lunch before the meeting. I'd really hoped to spend more time with you this weekend."
I shrugged. "No big deal. Clay and I can keep ourselves amused."
Philip hesitated, seemed ready to say something, then glanced toward the kitchen and shut his mouth.
At noon Monday, as I waited for Philip to pick me up, he called to say there'd been a mix-up at the golf course and his party had been over an hour late teeing off. They'd just finished their game. So, no lunch date.
After Philip called, Clay and I decided to hike to Chinatown for lunch. We spent the rest of the day slacking off, discovering unexplored neighborhoods, looping down residential streets, then jogging along the beach before returning to the apartment with supplies for a steak dinner. Around seven someone buzzed the apartment. I was in the washroom, so I yelled for Clay to get it. When I came out, he was holding another vase of flowers, this time a mix of irises in an earthenware jar.
"He's sorry for missing lunch," Clay said. "You want them in the bedroom with the others?"
I stopped, watching him hold the flowers and waiting.
"Say it," I said.
"Say what?"
I snatched the flowers from his hand. "I know what you're thinking. If he really regretted it, he'd have cut his golf game short."
"I wasn't going to say that."
"You were thinking it."
"No, you were. You said it."
I marched toward the bedroom.
"Water," he called after me.
With a growl, I veered into the bathroom. I sloshed water into the pot, dislodging a bunch of green marbles. Three plinked into the sink, more onto the floor. I scooped the ones from the sink, gave a cursory look for the others, and decided to leave them for cleaning day.
"Unlike some people," I said as I strode back into the hall, "Philip doesn't feel the necessity for a couple to lead their lives joined at the hip. That's fine with me. At least he sends flowers."
Silence returned from the living room. I plunked the vase on my nightstand, beside the roses, and stalked back to Clay. He was perched on the sofa back, reading the rough notes I'd brought home from work Friday.
"Say it," I said.
He glanced up from the notes. "Say what?"
"You've been waiting all week to tell me what you think of Philip. Go ahead. Get it out."
"My honest opinion?"
I gritted my teeth. "Yes."
"You sure?"
I ground my teeth. "Yes."
"I think he's a decent guy."
My teeth were starting to hurt. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly what I said, darling. I think he's a decent guy. Not perfect, but who is? He obviously cares for you. He tries to be considerate. He's very patient. If I were him, I'd have kicked my ass out of here days ago. He's been nothing but polite. A nice guy."
"But what?"
"But it's not going to work." He held up a hand against my protest. "Come on, Elena. You do know why you've picked this guy, right? I don't mean because you're looking for a home and a family and all that. You think I don't know that's what you want? I do. And I'd tell you it's right under your nose, but you wouldn't listen. The question is: why have you picked this particular guy to fulfill those fantasies? You do know, don't you, darling?"
"Because he's a good man. He's--"
"Good and patient and caring. Doesn't that remind you of someone?"
"Not you."
Clay slid off the couch back, laughing. "Definitely not me." He laid my portfolio on the table and studied my face. "You really don't get it, do you, darling? Well, when you do, you'll know why it can't work. You can care for this guy, but it'll never be what we have. It can't be. As decent as he is, you've picked him for all the wrong reasons."
"You're wrong."
He shrugged. "Always a first time. How about those steaks? The barbeque should be ready. Pass them to me and you can get the veggies cooking."
We went for a long walk after dinner. When we got back to the apartment, Philip had stopped by and left a note on the table saying the partners had invited him to a meeting in Montreal the next morning. He'd stopped by to pack an overnight bag and was already on a train to Quebec.
"So he'll be gone all night?" Clay asked, leaning over my shoulder to read the note.
"Looks that way."
"Damn shame. Guess we'll have to find something else to do." He walked over to the calendar. "Let's see. Six days since you Changed. Eight for me. You know what that means."
Time for a run.
CHAPTER 26
FIREWORKS
We debated whether to drive or walk to the ravine.
Although it was a long hike, neither of us minded walking there--it was walking back after an exhausting run that wasn't nearly so appealing. We'd almost agreed to drive when I made the mistake of mentioning that the car belonged to Philip, and Clay decided it was such a beautiful night it would be a crime not to walk. I didn't argue. Taking Philip's car was often more bother than it was worth. Finding an overnight parking spot near the ravine was tough and I was always worried I'd get ticketed or towed and would have to explain to Philip what I was doing in that part of town in the middle of the night.
It was midnight when we got to the ravine. We split up. I found a thicket and undressed. As I crouched to start my Change, I was struck by something I'd never felt before, at least not in Toronto. I was getting ready for my Change with all the mental preparation that I'd use brushing my teeth. While my brain was occupied with other thoughts, my body was moving into position as if what I was doing was the most natural thing in the world. Now after ten years the routine should've become pretty automatic and it did ... when I was with the Pack or at Stonehaven. Not that it hurt any less, but mentally, the transition was smooth. One minute I was human, the next I was a wolf. No big deal--I'm a werewolf, right? Yet Changing here in Toronto was another matter. Ninety-five percent of the time I lived like any normal human. I got up, went to work, took the subway home, ate dinner, spent the evening with my boyfriend, and went to bed. A perfectly normal routine interrupted by the occasional need to change into a wolf, run through the woods, hunt down a rabbit, and b
ay at the moon. The juxtaposition was so jarring that I often got to the ravine, took off my clothes, and stood naked thinking I'm supposed to be doing what? I half expected to get down on my knees, concentrate on Changing, and have nothing happen ... except maybe to wake up wearing a straitjacket with a nice doctor telling me for the millionth time that people cannot change into wolves.
When I started getting into position that night, it felt perfectly natural. That probably had a lot to do with Clay being there. He was like a bridge between the worlds. If he was there, I couldn't forget what I was. Not that this was a big surprise. The shock was that I didn't mind, even that I felt good about it. For so long, I'd been trying to suppress that side of my nature, certain that I had to become someone else to fit into the human world. Now I was seeing the possibility of another option. Maybe Clay was right. Maybe I was trying too hard, making things more difficult for myself than necessary. With Clay around, it was nearly impossible to maintain the "human" Elena persona for long. I'd been my usual self--snappish, willful, argumentative. And the earth hadn't crashed and burned around me. Maybe I didn't have to be the "good" Elena, nice and demure and quiet. Not that I should start flying into a rage when Philip left the toilet seat up or sucker punching strangers who stepped on my feet in the subway, but maybe I didn't have to back down every time a confrontation threatened. If I let some aspects of my normal personality slip into my "human" persona, living in the human world might be easier, might even come to feel natural. Perhaps that was the key.