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I stared at him, wondering what there was to talk about.
“Please,” he added.
Liz glanced at me; finally I shrugged. “Yes, okay. ”
She pushed her chair back. “Okay, well – I’ll leave you alone, then. ” She picked up the photos of Alex. “I’ll put these in your room for you. ”
It’s okay, don’t bother going, I almost said, but she’d already left, closing the door behind her. Seb sank down in her empty chair.
“Willow…oh, dios mío, I am so sorry. ” He scraped his hair back; I could see the tension in his fingers. “I wasn’t sure if – if you wanted me, so I’ve stayed away, but I’ve been thinking about you every second, querida. ”
And I hadn’t thought about him at all. It was almost funny. I let out a breath. “Thanks. I know you’re sorry. ”
Seb swallowed. “Tell me how I can help you. ” He started to stretch a hand towards me, then seemed to think better of it. “Willow, I know things have been strange between us, but – please let me be your brother again. ”
“Let you?” I stared at him in disbelief, not sure whether to laugh or cry. “Seb, I wasn’t the one who drew away and started ignoring you. ”
“I know. I’m sorry,” he said. “I was stupid, and wrong. I just…couldn’t deal with being around you. ”
His hand lay clenched on the table. Looking at it, the night of the party came hurtling back: the way he’d buried his hands in Meghan’s hair and kissed her. And when he had, a brief, sharp emotion had stirred. I’d told myself that I’d just been surprised…but that hadn’t been it, had it?
The sudden guilt felt like it might cripple me.
“I see,” I said, my voice emotionless. “But now that Alex is gone, you can deal with being around me?”
He flinched. “That’s not what I meant,” he said softly. “He was my friend, Willow. ”
I crossed my arms tight over my chest. “So…what? You want to look out for your friend’s girlfriend, now that he’s dead? That’s nice of you. I’m sure Alex would appreciate it. ”
“Why are you—” Seb broke off in frustration. “I want to look out for you, yes. It’s nothing to do with Alex; it’s just what we are to each other – the link we share. Nothing ever changes that, Willow. ” His mouth twisted. “Not for me, at least. ”
“Right. And what does Meghan think about that?”
“It’s not her business. ”
“She’s your girlfriend. I think maybe it is. ”
Seb shook his head. “I didn’t come in here to argue with you, querida. I’m sorry; I’m just making things worse. ” He started to get up. “If you need me, I’m here. That’s all I wanted to say. ”
“Oh, wait, so you’re not going away after all?” I said, my voice so innocent that it was snide.
Seb stood very still as he regarded me, his jaw tight. “No. I am not going away,” he said.
I stood up too, my head throbbing – and all I could see was the camp, blown to pieces so thoroughly that I didn’t even know if there was anything of Alex left. How could I have been jealous over Seb for even a second, how?
I gripped the table edge; my voice shook. “If you’re staying because of me – then don’t bother, okay? Because I’m sorry, but the answer is no. You can’t be my brother again. Not now, not ever. ”
I lay on my bed without moving, still fully dressed. Hours had passed – my brain felt dried out, numb. Propped onto the pillow next to me was one of the photos of Alex. I’d been staring at it for a long time.
His slow, lazy grin. The way his blue-grey eyes had lit up whenever he’d seen me. Even our occasional arguments were moments I’d give anything to have back now.
You promised, I thought bleakly. Alex, you promised that you wouldn’t put yourself in danger again without telling me. Were they just words? How could I love him so much and be so furious with him?
How could I be furious with him at all when he was dead? I shuddered and curled into the fetal position. Slowly, I traced my finger over his mouth in the photo.
“What happened?” I whispered.
Trying to take control of the world’s energy field – it was just insane. Had he wanted to die? I rubbed my temples with cold fingers. No. Alex wouldn’t do that, no matter what. But he’d done something else, hadn’t he?
That emotion I’d sensed when he kissed me before he left: I hadn’t been able to place it then, but I could now. It had been goodbye. Not Goodbye, I’ll see you soon – something far more final. He’d known exactly what he was doing, and what the odds were.
And he’d told me to trust him and left anyway.
With a wordless cry, I wrenched myself up and hurled the pillow across the room. It smashed into the desk, sending the lamp clattering to the floor.
“How could you do this to me?” I screamed. “I wouldn’t have you back now for anything. You lied to me; you broke your promise!”
The black shirt lay nearby; I screwed it into a ball and threw it too. It landed in a puddle of fabric. Not nearly enough. I lunged off the bed after it, started to tear it in half, and then reality hit me: This is almost all I have left of him – and I began to cry instead.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, clutching the shirt to my chest. “Oh, god, Alex, of course I’d have you back – I want to die without you…”
I lay on the rough carpet and cried until there were no tears left. Finally I sat up and slumped wearily against the desk. My eyes felt gritty, swollen – my hair wild and tangled. Around me, the room was silent, the lamp still lying where it had fallen.
It would stay there until I picked it up: I lived alone now. I could rage, scream, cry all I wanted – Alex would never hear me, and he’d never come back.
RAZIEL GLIDED OVER THE RUINS of Chicago, his winged shadow growing larger and then smaller as mounds of rubble rose and fell beneath him. The remains of Navy Pier lay half submerged in Lake Michigan, the girders of a Ferris wheel rusting where they reared up from the water. As Raziel circled it, lyrics from the old human song went through his head: Chicago, that toddling town…
Scattered through the wreckage were campfires and makeshift shelters. Raziel took in a shattered Dunkin’ Donuts: inside were camp beds, stacks of canned food. He’d never understood why some humans were so determined to stay in the ruins of the destroyed cities, but their energy tended to be quite delicious.
Cruising over a few people fishing with makeshift poles, he chose a man with a ponytail and an aura of vibrant blue. Scant moments later, the fishing pole had been dropped and the man was gaping up at him.
“Keith, you okay?” said someone.
Keith blinked as Raziel, sated, finally withdrew. “The angels love us,” he murmured, and then began shouting, scrambling up the debris-covered bank. “Guys, you guys! We’ve all been wrong! We need to go to an Eden and let them take care of us—”
Raziel was already soaring away. Inspecting a new Eden being built in Joliet had given him the chance to come here and indulge, to take his mind off things: there was nothing like the energy of a free thinker. Even so, he had plans to clamp down soon on the humans who resisted his Edens – their failure to comply irked him.