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Alex climbed up; the roof was covered with wooden rods nailed at neat intervals. He braced his way up them to the apex. Below, he could see a few streets of houses with bombs attached to their roofs – and then frost-covered fields, with the sunset streaking above. The dying sun was the same red that Willow’s hair used to be.
During these last two days, their exchanges had been perfunctory; mostly he’d caught only glimpses of her. Each time he’d seen her, she’d been searching intently – and when dark had come the night before, she’d helped the builders just as fervently. Finally, around one o’clock in the morning, he’d seen her heading off towards the school with Nina, so tired-looking that he wanted to go after them and take her in his arms.
But he didn’t know what to say – what to do. This cold, angry Willow was nothing like the girl he thought he knew. He hated what had happened as much as she did, but he couldn’t make it unhappen. What exactly did she want from him?
This is just unreal, he thought as he gazed out at the fields. Gone for three weeks, then back to find a year had passed…and his girlfriend acting like a stranger.
Jonah joined him, shoving his grey cap back as they looked towards Schenectady. “Part of me wishes the angels would just attack and get it over with,” he said in an undertone.
Alex nodded. For the hundredth time, he wondered what the hell was taking Raziel so long.
“It won’t be much longer,” he said grimly.
Jonah was still gazing towards the Eden. “You know, the only real faith I ever had was in the angels. To lose that was—” He broke off. “But there are still things I believe in,” he added after a moment.
He glanced at Alex. “Remember when we first met? You pulled a gun on me. I thought you were actually going to use it. ”
Alex smiled slightly. He’d been carrying the wounded Willow out of the Denver Church of Angels, with no time to spare before the frenzied crowd turned on her again. “I would have, if you’d tried to stop me. ”
“At first I was surprised that you’re younger than me, but then I thought – no, he’s older than I’ll ever be. These last couple of years, though…” Jonah lifted a shoulder. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ve caught up with you. ”
“Yeah,” said Alex. “Fighting angels will do that to you. ”
They went back down from the roof; Jonah swung himself onto the ladder first. Alex was just about to follow – then stopped mid-motion. There was Willow, searching the next street over.
She hadn’t seen him; she was walking with her gaze fixed in concentration. And suddenly, as he watched, Alex’s throat went tight.
There’d always been a kind of lightness to Willow, even in their worst moments: the sense that unhappiness wasn’t her natural state; that soon she’d be back to her usual serene self. But the way she was walking now, hugging her elbows so tightly…how could he have missed it before?
She looked as if she’d never smiled at all. As if any lightness in her had been buried by months of sorrow.
Willow glanced up and saw him then. She started over; Alex climbed down and hopped to the ground beside Jonah. “Any luck?” she asked as she drew near.
“Nothing,” Alex said. “You?”
She shook her head, glancing up and down the street in frustration. “No, nothing. ”
She was too thin, Alex realized suddenly. Oh Christ, that’s why her face looked so different. He’d noticed her thinness the other night, of course, but they’d both had other things on their minds. Now it hit him hard: Willow was naturally slim. If she was thinner, it was because she wasn’t eating enough.
She looked as if she hadn’t eaten enough for a long time.
Even with Jonah standing there, Alex couldn’t help himself: hesitantly, he touched her shoulder. “Willow…” he started.
She glanced at him and then away, her mouth tightening unhappily. “I’d better keep searching while there’s still a little light. ” She turned and walked off, still holding her arms. Her small figure in its jeans and parka passed between the houses and was gone.
Alex stood staring after her, Miranda’s words echoing: She’s been very sad for a long time. He had a terrible feeling now that this had been the understatement of the century. And he’d known that. Jesus, if it had been him, and he’d thought Willow was dead—
Yeah, he’d known it with his head. But he hadn’t let himself think about the reality much, had he?
Alex scraped a hand over his face, aware of Jonah’s quiet, non-judgemental gaze. “Come on,” he said at last. “We’d better go start helping the builders. ”
“We won’t find it now. ” Willow sat clutching her head. “There’s just no way. We can’t have enough time left. ”
It was hours later; Alex was sitting at a table in the school lunchroom, poring over the map with her and Seb. The lantern cast a mocking glow on all the places they’d marked off. Not even half the town yet, and nothing. Around them a few subdued groups sat eating. Awareness was rife now: soon they’d be battling thousands of angels.
Alex massaged his eyes. “Both of you, try to get a little sleep,” he ordered. “The attack could come any time now. ”
“There must be something else we can—” Seb broke off as Rachel appeared.
“Seb, could you come look at the way we’ve placed these last few bombs?”
Seb’s face had gone expressionless. He shoved his chair back without looking at her. “Yes, fine. ”
Once he’d gone, Willow cleared her throat. “So, I’m going to sleep with Nina again tonight,” she said after a pause.
That hurt, though he should have expected it. As she rose, Alex also got up and touched her arm. “Willow, wait. We’ve got to talk. ”
Her face had turned stiff with pain. “Not now,” she said, drawing away. “I’m sorry, Alex; I just can’t. These last few days, all I can think is…”
“What?” he asked softly, his hand still reaching towards her.
She started to say something, then shook her head. “No. I’m not going to do this. I’d only say things I’d regret. ”
She left the lunchroom. Alex started to go after her; some instinct warned him to leave her alone. He sank back down, resting his forehead on his fists.
Once he’d started noticing how much Willow had changed, he hadn’t been able to stop. She seemed to get headaches now; several times tonight he’d seen her massaging her head. And her eyes looked so sad – and he didn’t think it was just because things were so tense right now. No, her eyes had the look of someone who hadn’t really smiled in over a year.
What have I done to her? he thought.
“Hey. ” Scott Mason in his letterman’s jacket, swinging himself into the chair opposite. He dug into a bowl of stew with a spoon. “So how does all this compare with the old days of the AKs? What was it like when—”
Alex got up and left. Ignoring everyone he passed, he pushed open the school’s front door and started walking, following the sound of hammers. Within ten minutes, he was up on a roof in the torchlit town square; it was a relief to be working instead of thinking.