Apparently, Carson was respecting the fact that I needed space from him because he hadn't contacted me. That was good. Although I was intensely curious about why he hadn't been with anyone else since me in almost five years. I wanted to ask him. And I had to admit to myself that a thrill raced up my spine whenever I thought about that. Was it simply because he had been overseas most of that time? That must be it. Still, weren't there willing women in ports all over the world? And why hadn't he taken Kira up on her advances? What were his reasons? I shouldn't care so much about knowing. After all, I had my own life now–and my own man to think about. I shouldn't be thinking so much about Carson. But I couldn't help it. God help me.
I had also been wondering more and more if Carson had anything to do with the case against Josh Garner. They were friends who had a military history and had both moved to Vegas at the same time, for essentially the same reason. That didn't mean Carson knew more than he had told Detective Powers when she interviewed him. But I got the feeling that he did. Add to that the fact that another teammate owned the hotel they both worked for and the large bail that had been posted, and questions kept rolling through my mind. Something nagged at my brain. There was a connection, I just couldn't fathom what it could be.
I sighed loudly and sat back in my chair. Getting away for a week would be good. I'd talk to my sisters–get a better perspective on this whole clusterfuck of a situation. Yes, that would be good for me. Just what I needed.
I worked until nine o'clock that night. Alex had started his vacation a day early as he'd put all his Christmas shopping off until the last minute and needed the day to hit the mall. Just like a man. I wondered where Carson was spending Christmas. I knew about his mom, and if their relationship was still the same as it'd been when I first met him, then surely he wouldn't be going back to L.A. I frowned and shook my head slightly, trying to clear the thoughts of Carson away. Whatever he was doing for Christmas was not my business.
When I got home that night, I immersed myself in laundry and packing and by the time I was done with that, I was exhausted. Alex would be picking me up at five the next morning in order to catch our flight. I put my p.j.'s on and got into bed.
**********
Carson
I sat across from Josh as he leaned back on the couch in the condo I had gotten him to secretly. I was on the phone with Leland. I answered the question he had just asked me.
"Yeah, we made it. No one followed us. Let me call you on my way back."
"Sounds good, thanks, Carson," Leland said and hung up.
I pushed "end" on my phone and looked back at Josh.
"How you doing?" I asked.
He sighed. "Great, Carson. The last couple weeks have been like a dream come true."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "What happened, Josh? We weren't supposed to split up. Number one rule."
"Yeah, no shit. I fucking made up that rule," he said bitterly.
I studied him. The guy was on trial for first-degree murder. I was gonna give him a break. "What happened?" I repeated.
He sighed, scrubbing his hands down his face. "You guys were on your way out with the merchandise. I was clearing the last room of the warehouse when I heard a girl crying. I thought we had missed one. I turned back and went to investigate and lights out, man. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in some abandoned house with a lump on my head the size of a beach ball. I made it home and the police were knocking at the door an hour later. That's all I know."
I took a deep breath. "Just like we thought. An ambush. Fuck. You know we went back in for you, right? We realized you were gone and went back in for you. You had disappeared like a ghost, Josh."
"I know you'd never leave a man behind. I didn't doubt that for a second."
I nodded. "He knew we were coming," I said.
Josh sighed, nodding his head. "Yeah. And he fucking shot a girl in the head, Carson."
"He's a sick fuck. We already knew that."
He frowned and then took a deep breath, lacing his fingers together behind his head and leaning back. "Yeah."
I studied him for a second. "All right. I gotta get out of here. We are going to figure this out. Dylan is working on it, we're all trying to figure this out. We're gonna get a break, okay? We've got your back."
Josh closed his eyes for beat. "Never doubted it for a second." He looked up at me. "Thanks, Carson."
I nodded and stood up. "Stay put. Anything you need will be delivered. The police know where you are, but no one else does and you cannot come near Trilogy. No going out to pick up some woman. No going next door to meet your pretty neighbor. Stay put."
"Sounds like fun," he said. "Merry Fucking Christmas," but when I frowned at him he said, "Yeah, yeah, stay put. I got it."
"Hey, beats MRE's in a cave, right?"
He chuckled softly. "Barely. But yeah."
I smiled and nodded and walked to the door. Twenty minutes later, I was pulling into the garage at Trilogy.
**********
I walked into Leland's office later that night. "You taking off?" he asked.
I sat down in the chair across from him. "I don't know if I should. If there's anything–"
"There's not. If you stay here over the holiday, you'll just end up pacing in your office. It's better if we don't show our faces out very much. Dylan is staying here to work on the computer side, but there's nothing any of us can do to help him with that. Plus, if anything comes up, you're only six hours away. It's probably best that you get out of town."
I nodded. "All right. The girls all taken care of?"
"Yeah. I wish we had gotten them all out before the holiday. I don't like to have to keep the guards posted over Christmas. But that's the way it goes. We just didn't get the paperwork in time. Dylan did everything he could."
"I know. Sucks, but another week and it'll all be worked out."
"Right. Have a Merry Christmas, man." He stood up and walked around his desk to shake my hand and clap me on the back in a bro hug. I smiled. "You too, Leland."
"I will. Drive safely."
I nodded and walked out, closing his door behind me.
I grabbed my duffle bag out of my office and made my way to my truck. Fifteen minutes later, I was driving out of town.
I wondered where Grace was spending Christmas. She hadn't contacted me since the night I left her house. I wasn't going to harass her. I'd made it perfectly clear what I wanted. The ball was in her court. Still, that shit fucking stung. I had a shitload of stuff going on and I still couldn't stop thinking about her. I needed to get out of town.
I pressed down harder on the accelerator, putting Vegas behind me as quickly as I could.
CHAPTER 28
Grace
"I swear I forgot something," I said to Alex for the fifth time.
"Sweetie, you've gone through the list. You didn't forget anything. And if you did, you can replace it when we get there. Relax." He patted my knee.
I nodded distractedly as the plane doors opened and the line of people started to move forward. "Yeah…" I trailed off as we both stood up.
Alex grabbed our small suitcases from the overhead bin and I moved out in front of him, taking the handle of mine and pulling it up so that I could wheel it behind me.
I had woken up feeling jittery and just off. Maybe I was coming down with something. I wasn't sure. I was going home for the first time in a while. I should be feeling relaxed and excited. Instead, I couldn't shake a nagging feeling that I had left something behind, that something was wrong.
It didn't help that I had tossed and turned all night, sleep evasive, unable to shut my brain off. I was over-tired, that had to be it.
Plus, I was probably just a little nervous about this trip. Alex had only met my family once when they came to Vegas when I first moved there. We had just started dating at that point and we all went out to dinner. So this was a chance for Alex to really get to know them better. Which was good… right? I bit my lip.
We mad
e our way through the terminal. We had an hour layover before our next flight to Dayton, and so we decided to get a bite to eat at one of the restaurants near our boarding gate.
We started down an escalator and I glanced over at the people traveling upwards, an old lady catching my eye. She smiled at me and winked. I startled, something so familiar about her… I looked back at her, craning my neck as she moved upwards and away from me, but she didn't look back.
As we traveled through the large airport, we passed a little girl sketching in a notebook. Just as we walked by her, she smiled and held it up to her mother who was standing in front of her. I turned my head to see what it was and time slowed as I saw the delicate, little, yellow flower she had drawn. I snapped my head forward, time resuming, and kept walking, something warm gliding down my spine.
When we got to the terminal where our gate would be boarding, we sat down at a table at a small bagel restaurant that served soup and sandwiches, and Alex went up to the counter to order lunch.
As I sat there waiting for him, I looked around. A man sitting at a table near the entrance, with his back to me, caught my eye. Short, wheat-colored hair and broad, muscular shoulders. My heart rate picked up and I sucked in a breath. Carson? It couldn't be. How? I started to stand, just as he did too, and air lodged in my chest. As he turned toward me, deep disappointment hit me in the gut and I almost let out a sob. It wasn't him. I sank back down in my chair, my hand gripping the table edge. I stared straight ahead for several minutes, the truth of what I was feeling washing through my soul. Oh God… it hit me, sitting right in the middle of a bagel restaurant in the Atlanta airport. It was Carson I was missing. It was Carson I was wanting. Carson. The one who made me feel out of control in so many ways–the one who was anything but safe.
Realization dawned like the first light of sunrise bursting over the horizon. He had come for me in D.C. He had come back for me after he changed his life. I almost cried out as the reality of that took over. I hadn't allowed myself to really think about it, but how would things have been different? I knew suddenly, that things would have been different because I would have jumped into his arms without a moment of hesitation. For whatever reason, that hadn't been our time. But it was our time now. My soul vibrated with the knowledge.
In that very instant, I knew it as sure as I knew my own name; I had chosen Alex because he was almost the exact opposite of Carson. And I had been afraid that if I didn't choose someone who was blatantly different in every way, that I would always compare the man I ended up with, to the man I really wanted.
I wanted Carson. I knew it with a surety that gripped my heart like a vice.
I had always wanted Carson.
Alex sat down with our tray of food and started doling it out.
"I can't marry you, Alex," I whispered.
His head snapped up and a confused smile washed over his handsome features.
"What?" he asked.
I closed my eyes for a couple beats. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I can't marry you," I repeated, looking into his eyes beseechingly. "I'm so sorry."
His hands had stalled at my words, but now he started splitting the food between us again.
"Grace, you're nervous about having me spend real time with your family. It's normal. It's a big step. Almost as big as getting engaged."
I shook my head. "No, Alex, please," I reached across the table and took his hands in mine, "listen to me."
He looked down at our hands and looked back up into my eyes and nodded his head. "Okay, Grace, I'm listening," he said quietly.
I licked my lips, my heart beating loudly in my ears. "I love you, Alex, but–"
"You're not in love with me," he finished hollowly.
My shoulders crumpled. "Yes." I looked into his eyes. "If you really search your heart, I think you'll realize that we were never right for each other as more than friends."
He tilted his head, studying my face, but not answering the question.
"I never, ever wanted to hurt you," I whispered.
He sighed, sadness filling his expression. "I guess I'm not completely surprised by this," he said. "And maybe you're right. I don't know. The timing has kind of taken me by surprise here." He paused, studying me again. "Is there someone else?"
I closed my eyes for a couple beats. "Yes. But he isn't the reason why we shouldn't get married." A tear slipped out of my eye and I swiped it away.
"Who is he?" he asked.
I closed my eyes for a beat and gathered myself before looking back at him. "Someone from my past… it doesn't matter. He's not the reason we're not right together, Alex, he just helped me to see what I already knew deep inside."
He nodded, studying my face. "Would you be breaking up with me if he didn't exist?"
"I think so, yes. Maybe not today, but yes. I'm so sorry," I repeated.
He sighed deeply. "Jesus, Grace." He paused, staring off behind me. After a minute, he said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I knew it too. It still doesn't make it easy. Especially in the middle of an airport."
I grimaced and shook my head slightly. "I know… I just, I couldn't pretend everything was fine this week… I couldn't hurt you any more…" I repeated, a lump forming in my throat, my words dying.
More tears slid down my cheeks as we looked at each other across the table. Finally he said, "Work…"
"I'll find a new job if you want me to. I'd never make this worse for you. I–"
"Of course I don't want you to quit your job. I actually… well, I was going to talk to you about this when we got back from Ohio, but," he looked off to the side, frowning slightly, "I was offered an assistant D.A. position in San Francisco near my family. I didn't know how you'd feel about possibly moving…" He shook his head slightly as I frowned.
"You mean, you're considering taking it?" I asked softly.
He laughed a humorless laugh. "Well, like I said, I was going to talk to you, but… yeah, I was hoping you'd agree to move."
"Oh."
He cleared his throat. "Anyway, it might be right for both of us…"
"Alex, really, if you want to stay in Vegas and you think it would be awkward to work with me–"
He shook his head. "No, I think we're mature enough to work together. That's not it. I just… well, I have a lot to think about."
I nodded. "Okay, but if you change your mind about me leaving the office, will you tell me? I care so much about you."
"I know you do," he said sadly. He looked down for a second and then looked back up at me. "I'm going to get a flight to San Francisco from here and join my family. Will you be okay flying by yourself the rest of the way to Dayton?"
I nodded, more tears slipping down my face now.
He stood up, grabbed his still wrapped sandwich, pulled the handle up on his suitcase and walked around the table. He kissed me softly on the top of my head and said, "Be happy, Grace."
I watched him walk off and wiped away a few more tears. As sad as I felt, I knew that was the right thing to do. I had fooled myself into thinking it was the right thing to marry someone I had lukewarm feelings for. And that had been unfair to Alex too. He was a good man. He deserved to find a woman who brought out the best in him, not someone who saw him as a consolation prize. I grimaced, realizing what a mistake I had made in even continuing to date Alex. We should have just been friends all along.
I sat for a few minutes longer when suddenly it registered what song was playing over the airport sound system. Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On played softly beneath the clanking of trays and the sound of chairs scooting across the tile floor. I laughed a soft laugh. As the song continued to play, purpose began flowing through my body.
I stood up and gathered my things, leaving the food at the table. I wasn't going to go to Dayton. I had a flight to change.
**********
I had to pay a hefty fee, but I was able to book a flight back to Vegas that left a couple hours later. My body was humming with nerves but I felt filled with excitement, the knowl
edge that this choice was right, singing in my blood. I was going to Carson.
I wondered if I should call Trilogy and get a hold of him before I just showed up there. But I somehow knew it would be better to go to him in person, to explain my feelings while standing right in front of him. He had been brave, as usual, and put it right out there that he wanted us to try again, to try for real this time. And I had pushed him away not once, not twice, but all three times he made his feelings known to me. I had a good reason–another person's feelings to consider. But still, it had to have been hard for him to lay his pride on the line and to be rejected. I wanted to look in his eyes when I told him that I wanted him too. I had always wanted him. If I had been honest with myself, I would have known as soon as I looked in his eyes again, that I had never stopped. Fate had brought us back together and I was going to hold on tight and thank the heavens above that we had been given a second chance.
As I waited for my flight to board, I took my phone out of my purse and dialed Julia's number. I knew Julia had taken the week of Christmas off so she would be home.
"Hey sis," she answered, "I thought you'd still be flying right now."
I cleared my throat. "I'm actually about to board my flight, Jules," I said, "um, back to Vegas."
There was a slight pause. "Why? Is everything okay?" she asked, worriedly.
"Well, yes and no. I broke up with Alex."
She hissed in a breath. "Oh, Gracie, I'm so… I mean, are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm good, Julia. We… weren't right together. It took me a little while to figure it out, and I'm sad about that, but a little relieved too, I guess." I took a deep breath. "Anyway, I'm headed home, and Julia, I'm nervous to tell you this, but, I'm heading home because Carson Stinger is back in my life–you know, the man I spent a weekend with almost five years ago. And he's not a porn star anymore. He's a SEAL, or rather, a former SEAL who now works in security, and I, well, he wants me, I mean, I hope he still wants me." I paused. "My behavior toward him, well, it wasn't awesome and… anyway, I want him too and I'm going home to tell him that. And I hope you all will forgive me for ruining Christmas, but I have to do this because he taught me to follow my heart. And I am, and he's my heart." I started crying at this point, but I couldn't stop talking. "He's had my heart all this time, Jules, and that scared me so badly because I didn't think I could ever have him again. But–"