* * *
The next morning I met Anali in the living room at seven fifteen. She pushed the furniture out of the way, laid out yoga mats, and set down a wooden statue of a man with a beak-like nose and large wings extending skyward from his back. She lit a stick of incense, and smoke curled from the red tip.
Anali pulled back her shoulder-length dark brown hair with a headband, then started us with a breathing exercise. Once our breath synced, Anali moved us into simple poses. "Keep your breath slow and even, let your feet evenly take your weight, shoulder blades moving down your back and reach your fingertips away from each other."
I made the small adjustments to the pose, while keeping focus on my breath.
"Keeping your eyes open, focus on the center of your body and find the fire there. It may be a ball of fire, or a little flame, or several spots of fire. Don't worry about what it looks like, feel it."
It took a while for me to find what Anali wanted. A fire inside me, really? Was this supposed to be literal or did I need to imagine it? Each time I questioned what I should do, I lost my concentration. I took a deep breath and sank my thoughts into my belly, what I thought of as my core, and felt several warm spots, like small embers scattered about.
"I think I have it," I whispered.
"Perfect, try and keep your focus there while we move into another pose," Anali said, her voice soft, as if being loud would put the fires out.
I lost focus a few times but soon could move from one pose to another, while still keeping attention on the small fires. I wanted to close my eyes, knowing it would make focusing internally easier, but I kept them open as Anali asked.
"Sapphire, I want you to pull the fires together. Let them become one strong, clear flame," Anali instructed, as we stood with our palms together in mountain pose. "Once you have that let me know."
This was much easier. After a few poses, I could focus on the flame and how my body moved. The fire burned warm within my belly. It looked like my necklace, with an outer flame of vibrant red, orange, and yellows. The heart of the flame burned blue, green, indigo and violet. It filled me with a sense of safety and power. The necklace vibrated against my skin and warmed.
We held downward-facing dog, while she gave new instructions. "We're going to change our breathing for this last series of poses. We will use the five-count breath I taught you before, but add the fire element to it. When you inhale and count to five, I want you to expand the fire along your spine. Make it stay along your spine. Don't let the fire drift. Then hold the breath for a count of five. Exhale for a count of five. Pull all the fire back into your belly, and hold for another count of five before inhaling again. Count every time."
"Okay." Um, what?
"I'll keep the poses simple and moving slowly from one to the other. We'll hold each one for a few minutes so you will have time to focus on your breath and adjust your position."
I nodded, already counting and focusing on the movement of the fire up my spine. It felt hot, not uncomfortable, but hotter than when contained in my belly. I wasn't able to get the fire very high on the first try. In fact my second, third, and forth times didn't go much better. Keeping my eyes open, I held proud warrior, my legs apart and arms stretched away from each other. I began to count while pulling the Phoenix fire up my spine. With each number it rose, and when the fire reached my neck, the pendant vibrated. This time I managed to get the Phoenix fire to the top of my head and held it for a count of five. Then as I counted, I slowly pulled the fire back down to my belly. As the fire slid down my spine, little flames and sparks in my body joined the larger flame. With each breathing set I did, I felt more in control of my powers.
As we lay flat on the floor in relaxation pose, I pulled the fire into my belly. My breathing returned to normal. My body tingled with power. Around my neck, the pendent hummed with a life of its own, the connection to Akasha ready to open at any moment. Even as I felt protected by the connection to Akasha, a part of me hoped the necklace would grow cold again; I didn't like having this much power.
"You did very well, Sapphire," Anali said. "I recommend you do the breathing to the count of five and focusing your power up and down your spine each day. The more you practice, the quicker you’ll be able to control your gifts."
I did feel more in control of my power, and that was the ultimate goal, even if the power made me uncomfortable.
"Let's get some juice, then we can get ready for the day." Anali sat up and began to roll up her mat.
I turned to ask her something and gasped. I could clearly see fire dancing in her brown eyes. She smiled in understanding. "Go look in the mirror. You'll need to wear your contacts today."
Racing to the bathroom mirror I looked and almost fainted at what I saw. Within my eyes, a flame moved, swaying as if dancing with the wind. I touched the mirror, unable to believe what I saw, but nothing changed. I had just got used to my eyes being a different color, and now this! I remembered seeing the flame weeks ago, a small flicker that vanished within seconds. This I couldn't hide on my own.
I opened the box of contacts and carefully put them in. My eyes watered a bit, then I felt nothing. Looking back into the mirror all I could see were my eyes, clear peridot green with gold flecks. Eyes that marked me as one of Shamash and Aya's children, as much as the fire hidden inside them.
Not yet ready to deal with anyone, I decided to get dressed for the day. I liked the idea of being able to take a shower after doing yoga. I couldn't shower in the mornings at the group home, there were too many of us who needed to get ready. Out of everything Gavin and Anali were offering me, privacy was the one thing I craved the most. It could become addictive.
Once I dressed, I went into the kitchen where Anali sat reading. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and sat down looking firmly at the table.
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Anali said softly. "You are allowed to take time to yourself. A lot is changing, and it is understandable that you will want and need time alone."
Feeling my cheeks heat up I took a sip of the cool orange juice. "Thank you."
"How are you feeling? Do you have any questions?"
I couldn't help but smile at the genuine concern in Anali's voice. "I feel good, maybe a little more sensitive." Anali nodded letting me know this was normal. "The necklace helps connect me to Akasha, whenever I want?"
"Yes." Anali reached up and touched the necklace she wore. "When we focus and activate our gifts, the jewelry responds and connects us to our beginnings—to Akasha and the Phoenix king and queen."
"Can it make the gifts stronger?"
"Yes, much stronger. Be careful about opening up the connection, especially if you're angry. You could pull huge amounts of energy into yourself and possibly get hurt."
I reached up to unclasp the pendant. Hello, shouldn't this have been mentioned earlier? "Is it safe? Should I give the necklace to you?"
"No, it's part of your legacy. The connection to Akasha will help protect you and help keep your powers in control. You need to know that it is possible for you to pull in enough energy to overload your nervous system, just be careful." Anali pulled my hands down, gripping them tightly in her own. "I can't imagine how insane this all must seem to you. I've grown up knowing these things. When I turned fifteen and could suddenly feel what others were feeling, I felt overwhelmed, scared, and sometimes angry that I wouldn't be like everyone else."
Looking away I clutched her hands tightly. I didn't want to let her go, but I couldn't face the honesty in her eyes. Accepting who I am and sharing that with others is two different things.
"It's okay, take your time, and honor how you feel. The sooner you can find peace with what your life is and who you are, the sooner you can feel happy and in control." Anali chuckled darkly. "Well, as in control as any of us ever are in life."
"Life isn't fair, not to anybody. No one has real control over what happens to them, you can only control your actions and reactions. Right now I am full of self-
righteous anger at how unfair life is. I want to cry, scream, throw things, and crawl into bed and hide. And I might do some of those. But that's not all I'll do. I will also enjoy your smile, and make breakfast, and watch the sunset, and run a little further, and hide a bit longer. While I can't control the actions of others I can control my own, and I choose to live every day I have left, and embrace who I am. I hope when life is unfair and overwhelming, you, too, will embrace who you are and live. After you've had a good pout."