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_The Army had a new theme song: "Anything you can do, we can do better!" And they meant _anything_, including up-to-date hornpipes!_
NAVY DAY
By Harry Harrison
Illustrated by Kelly Freas
General Wingrove looked at the rows of faces without seeing them. Hisvision went beyond the Congress of the United States, past the balmyJune day to another day that was coming. A day when the Army would haveits destined place of authority.
He drew a deep breath and delivered what was perhaps the shortest speechever heard in the hallowed halls of Congress:
"The General Staff of the U.S. Army requests Congress to abolish thearchaic branch of the armed forces known as the U.S. Navy."
The aging Senator from Georgia checked his hearing aid to see if it wasin operating order, while the press box emptied itself in one concertedrush and a clatter of running feet that died off in the direction of thetelephone room. A buzz of excited comment ran through the giant chamber.One by one the heads turned to face the Naval section where rows of bluefigures stirred and buzzed like smoked-out bees. The knot of men arounda paunchy figure heavy with gold braid broke up and Admiral Fitzjamesclimbed slowly to his feet.
Lesser men have quailed before that piercing stare, but General Wingrovewas never the lesser man. The admiral tossed his head with disgust,every line of his body denoting outraged dignity. He turned to hisaudience, a small pulse beating in his forehead.
"I cannot comprehend the general's attitude, nor can I understand why hehas attacked the Navy in this unwarranted fashion. The Navy has existedand will always exist as the first barrier of American defense. I askyou, gentlemen, to ignore this request as you would ignore thestatements of any person ... er, slightly demented. I should like tooffer a recommendation that the general's sanity be investigated, and aninquiry be made as to the mental health of anyone else connected withthis preposterous proposal!"
The general smiled calmly. "I understand, Admiral, and really don'tblame you for being slightly annoyed. But, please let us not bring thisissue of national importance down to a shallow personal level. The Armyhas facts to back up this request--facts that shall be demonstratedtomorrow morning."
Turning his back on the raging admiral, General Wingrove included allthe assembled solons in one sweeping gesture.
"Reserve your judgment until that time, gentlemen, make no hastyjudgments until you have seen the force of argument with which we backup our request. It is the end of an era. In the morning the Navy joinsits fellow fossils, the dodo and the brontosaurus."
The admiral's blood pressure mounted to a new record and the gentle thudof his unconscious body striking the floor was the only sound to breakthe shocked silence of the giant hall.
* * * * *
The early morning sun warmed the white marble of the Jefferson Memorialand glinted from the soldiers' helmets and the roofs of the packed carsthat crowded forward in a slow-moving stream. All the gentlemen ofCongress were there, the passage of their cars cleared by the screamingsirens of motorcycle policemen. Around and under the wheels of theofficial cars pressed a solid wave of government workers and commoncitizens of the capital city. The trucks of the radio and televisionservices pressed close, microphones and cameras extended.
The stage was set for a great day. Neat rows of olive drab vehiclescurved along the water's edge. Jeeps and half-tracks shouldered close byweapons carriers and six-bys, all of them shrinking to insignificancebeside the looming Patton tanks. A speakers' platform was set up in thecenter of the line, near the audience.
At precisely 10 a.m., General Wingrove stepped forward and scowled atthe crowd until they settled into an uncomfortable silence. His speechwas short and consisted of nothing more than amplifications of hisopening statement that actions speak louder than words. He pointed tothe first truck in line, a 2-1/2-ton filled with an infantry squadsitting stiffly at attention.
The driver caught the signal and kicked the engine into life; with agrind of gears it moved forward toward the river's edge. There was anindrawn gasp from the crowd as the front wheels ground over the marbleparapet--then the truck was plunging down toward the muddy waters of thePotomac.
The wheels touched the water and the surface seemed to sink while takingon a strange glassy character. The truck roared into high gear and rodeforward on the surface of the water surrounded by a saucer-shapeddepression. It parked two hundred yards off shore and the soldiers,goaded by the sergeant's bark, leapt out and lined up with a showy_present arms_.
The general returned the salute and waved to the remaining vehicles.They moved forward in a series of maneuvers that indicated a greatnumber of rehearsal hours on some hidden pond. The tanks rumbled slowlyover the water while the jeeps cut back and forth through their lines inintricate patterns. The trucks backed and turned like puffingballerinas.
The audience was rooted in a hushed silence, their eyeballs bulging.They continued to watch the amazing display as General Wingrove spokeagain:
"You see before you a typical example of Army ingenuity, developed inArmy laboratories. These motor units are supported on the surface of thewater by an intensifying of the surface tension in their immediate area.Their weight is evenly distributed over the surface, causing the shallowdepressions you see around them.
"This remarkable feat has been accomplished by the use of the_Dornifier_. A remarkable invention that is named after that brilliantscientist, Colonel Robert A. Dorn, Commander of the Brooke PointExperimental Laboratory. It was there that one of the civilian employeesdiscovered the Dorn effect--under the Colonel's constant guidance, ofcourse.
"Utilizing this invention the Army now becomes master of the sea as wellas the land. Army convoys of trucks and tanks can blanket the world. Thesurface of the water is our highway, our motor park, ourbattleground--the airfield and runway for our planes."
Mechanics were pushing a Shooting Star onto the water. They steppedclear as flame gushed from the tail pipe; with the familiar whooshingrumble it sped down the Potomac and hurled itself into the air.
"When this cheap and simple method of crossing oceans is adopted, itwill of course mean the end of that fantastic medieval anachronism, theNavy. No need for billion-dollar aircraft carriers, battleships,drydocks and all the other cumbersome junk that keeps those boats andthings afloat. Give the taxpayer back his hard-earned dollar!"
Teeth grated in the Naval section as carriers and battleships werecalled "boats" and the rest of America's sea might lumped under thecasual heading of "things." Lips were curled at the transparent appealto the taxpayer's pocketbook. But with leaden hearts they knew that allthis justified wrath and contempt would avail them nothing. This wasArmy Day with a vengeance, and the doom of the Navy seemed inescapable.
The Army had made elaborate plans for what they called "OperationSinker." Even as the general spoke the publicity mills ground into highgear. From coast to coast the citizens absorbed the news with theirmorning nourishment.
"... Agnes, you hear what the radio said! The Army's gonna give a triparound the world in a B-36 as first prize in this limerick contest. Allyou have to do is fill in the last line, and mail one copy to thePentagon and the other to the Navy ..."
The Naval mail room had standing orders to burn all the limericks whenthey came in, but some of the newer men seemed to think the entire thingwas a big joke. Commander Bullman found one in the mess hall:
_The Army will always be there, On the land, on the sea, in the air. So why should the Navy Take all of the gravy ..._
to which a seagoing scribe had added:
_And not give us ensi
gns our share?_
The newspapers were filled daily with photographs of mighty B-36'slanding on Lake Erie, and grinning soldiers making mock beachheadattacks on Coney Island. Each man wore a buzzing black box at his waistand walked on the bosom of the now quiet Atlantic like a biblicalprophet.
Radio and television also carried the thousands of news releases thatpoured in an unending flow from the Pentagon Building. Cards, letters,telegrams and packages descended on Washington in an overwhelmingtorrent. The Navy Department was the unhappy recipient of deprecatoryletters and a vast quantity of little cardboard battleships.
The people spoke and their representatives listened closely. This was anelection year. There didn't seem to be much doubt as to the decision,particularly when the reduction in the budget was considered.
It took Congress only two months to make up its collective mind. Thepeople were all pro-Army. The novelty of the idea had fired theirimaginations.
They were about to take the final vote in the lower house. If theamendment passed it would go to the states for ratification, and theirvotes were certain to follow that of Congress. The Navy had fought alast-ditch battle to no avail. The balloting was going to be pretty muchof a sure thing--the wet water Navy would soon become ancient history.
For some reason the admirals didn't look as unhappy as they should.
* * * * *
The Naval Department had requested one last opportunity to address theCongress. Congress had patronizingly granted permission, for even thedoomed man is allowed one last speech. Admiral Fitzjames, who hadrecovered from his choleric attack, was the appointed speaker.
"Gentlemen of the Congress of the United States. We in the Navy have afighting tradition. We 'damn the torpedoes' and sail straight ahead intothe enemy's fire if that is necessary. We have been stabbed in theback--we have suffered a second Pearl Harbor sneak attack! The Armyrelinquished its rights to fair treatment with this attack. Therefore weare _counter-attacking_!" Worn out by his attacking and mixed metaphors,the Admiral mopped his brow.
"Our laboratories have been working night and day on the perfection of adevice we hoped we would never be forced to use. It is now in operation,having passed the final trials a few days ago.
"The significance of this device _cannot_ be underestimated. We are sopositive of its importance that--we are _demanding_ that the _Army_ beabolished!"
He waved his hand toward the window and bellowed one word.
"LOOK!"
Everyone looked. They blinked and looked again. They rubbed their eyesand kept looking.
Sailing majestically up the middle of Constitution Avenue was thebattleship Missouri.
The Admiral's voice rang through the room like a trumpet of victory.
"The Mark-1 Debinder, as you see, temporarily lessens the bindingenergies that hold molecules of solid matter together. Solids becomeliquids, and a ship equipped with this device can sail anywhere in theworld--on sea _or_ land. Take your vote, gentlemen; the world awaitsyour decision."
... THE END
Transcriber's Note:
This etext was produced from _If Worlds of Science Fiction_ January 1954. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and typographical errors have been corrected without note.