PSYCHE
Find your own Reality
by Torre Odell
Copyright © 2011 by Torre Odell
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the writer and/or publisher.
The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Catalog-in-Publication Data
Odell, Torre
Psyche: a novel / Torre Odell
ISBN: 0615514774
ISBN-13: 9780615514772
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to thank my friends and family for their love and support. I’d also like to thank Duke Publishing for this opportunity.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Story Begins
Awakening
Pain Commences
Treatment
Past Returns
Analysis
Wrecked
End is Near
Discovery
Author Comments
About the Author
PSYCHE
Find your own Reality
1
introduction
I wake up feeling sicker than I have ever felt before, like after a long night of binge drinking. My body feels beaten and my eyes carry images across the room. Everything blurs from object to object and it only exacerbates my nausea. My shirt is lightly bouncing off my chest due to the hard pumps from my heart. I feel every beat pulsate through my head. I pull in half a breath then my chest collapses. The voices in my head are louder than normal; they won’t stop. My skull is throbbing as I put my moist palms on my head. I can feel the cooling sweat against my hot skin. My eyes water as I turn over in my bed and glance at the clock, 8:00am on the dot. I feel so weak; I pull myself to my feet and almost fall back on the bed but catch myself on the bed post. My legs quiver like wet noodles; soreness and infirmity flood my body in an unrelenting manner. There is no medicine for what I have.
Today everything is dark, not dim or faint, just dark. Unlike the past few days when the world had more life and color, now it’s bland and unnervingly motionless. I slowly stumble into the closet. There’s an antique case on the top shelf next to my gym bag. This case is the only thing in the closet my eyes can focus on. I extend my arms and pull the case down. I take a deep breath as I open it to see the 9mm that was given to me by my uncle on my last birthday. I look at it for a moment and stare at my reflection bouncing off the smooth silver finish. My blue eyes seem to burn into the steel. I grab the clip and slide it in, the cold steel is a comfort in my hands. I push in the clip and hear the click whisper “it’s okay” lightly into my ear; I take another deep breath as I slowly slide a round into the chamber. I do it slowly so I can watch the bullet move into position before I slide the top back into place. I walk through the hallway and into the living room. I notice only static items that clutter my house. The family portraits are blank. The picture frames hold images my mind won’t allow my eyes focus on. I sit on the couch and lean back, whimpering with pain and anger. Tunnel vision and distant memories flood my consciousness. Old memories that I wish I could relive start tormenting me. My chest begins to constrict causing a chain reaction of pain that darts down my body as the voices in my head get louder and more prominent. They’re driving me mad! Thunderous words that I can’t make out. All I get from them are mind splitting headaches that irritate every fiber of my being. All my thoughts and memories begin to blend together and nothing makes sense anymore. Every word that chimes in my head cause my vision to shake and shutter. I can’t move past this and it just keeps getting worse. My world is falling apart; my very fabric of existence is deteriorating with every moment I live. I don’t want an easy way out. I’m a soldier, a husband, a father, and a friend to a world that’s left me behind. A world that’s given up on me; how things got so bad so quickly, I can’t explain. I look down at the gun and admire the silvery finish as it begins to calm me again. I unwillingly pull the gun under my chin and I feel a tear roll down my left cheek as my head follows it down to the floor. The room begins to spin around me. My vision blurs and everything begins to fade away. Total silence enters the room and into my head. The relief is only temporary. The voices return and they’ve grown stronger than ever. They are yelling at me, but why? Why doesn’t the torment end? Like clockwork the constrictions tear through me and shiver down my spine. Like chills from being cold but they brought a fire that flows through my veins and throughout my body. My body quivers in pain as I move my head up; I’m out of my home now and see my daughter running towards me smiling with my beautiful wife close behind her. She’s running in a meadow pushing through the grass and bright yellow daises. She smiles at me as the sun reflects off her perfect little face. Her little hazel eyes are the sharpest colors in this memory. I barely feel the tears as they continue to roll down my face while I come to terms with the fact that this unclear, but understandable image, will be the last time I see them, my girls, the loves of my life. How do you fall asleep and wake up to such a twisted hell? A place where everyone and everything plays tricks on you, a place where you can’t trust anything you see, think, or feel. A twilight zone so surreal you feel like you’ve awakened in a dream that’s actually a reality. I will never kill myself; I’ve said it a million times throughout life. Suicide is never the right answer to any question life brings. My thoughts deepen as I envision kneeling down and hugging my daughter. My wife smiles and places her arms around us. This to me won’t be suicide; it’ll be a release. I slide my finger onto the trigger and start to squeeze. I can hear the hammer pull back, the light squeaks whisper “it’s okay” and my ears focus on that sound. Then the hammer slams back into the gun. The room jumps quickly, and then everything goes black.
2
STORY BEGINS
I wake up early on a Sunday morning and it feels like any other morning. The only significant difference today is that I’m taking my wife and daughter to the zoo. My wife Marie and I have been several times but it will be our four-year old daughter Katie’s first. She loves animals, not unlike any other four-year old I could imagine. This is exceedingly obvious by simply walking into her room which has been ambushed by wildlife posters and stuffed animals. I lean up and put my feet on the ground and head toward the kitchen to get a bottle of water. I see clothes and toys all over the floor so my wife and daughter must already be awake. I start searching the apartment and find them together in the bathroom.
“Honey, are you in there?” I ask as I slowly open the bathroom door.
“Cory, I’m getting Katie out of the bath give me a second, please.”
“Can I come in? Everyone descent?”
“Yes, it’s okay.”
I walk into the bathroom and see my wife drying off Katie. My daughter looks up at me while she sings about going bye, bye.
“Hey, before we go to the zoo can we stop at Wal-Mart to get a shower curtain? I’m tired of taking baths.” My wife asks as she tries to control our playful daughter.
“That’s fine with me, I honestly feel the same way. I still can’t believe the last one tore so easily.” I reply as I make funny faces towards Katie.
“Also, just so you know, I moved the gun you received for your birthday last year from the dining room mantle. I was scared Katie would pull out a chair and get it down. Just trying to be safe”.
“Ok, that’s probably for the best, where did you put it?”
“
I put it in our closet on the top shelf by your gym bag.”
“Cool. I guess we’ll grab something to eat after we hit up Wal-Mart on the way to the zoo.”
Katie hears the word zoo and starts screaming. “Lions and tigers and bears! I want to see a cheetah!”
“Baby calm down, we’ll be there soon enough ok.” Marie tells Katie while they both laugh as she tries to calm her down and dry her off.
After what seemed like an eternity of preparation we head out. As we leave our apartment I notice how amazing the day is, the sun’s shining bright and the sky is clear with no clouds in sight. The air is filled with the sweet fragrance of flowers. It’s funny how normally you see flowers but you never smell them in the air, but today it was definitely apparent.
During the drive my wife and I discuss whether or not we’re going to stay in the military. We were lucky enough to meet while stationed in Abilene together but it might not be beneficial for the future. The military life can be detrimental to a relationship and a family due to its instability and stress.
We pull into the crowded parking lot outside of Wal-Mart and luckily find a spot near the entrance. I get out of my truck and open my daughter’s door and begin to remove her from her car seat. As I put her on the ground she begins to sing “twinkle, twinkle little star” and asks if I’ll sing along with her.
“Not right now baby, if Daddy sings that song you might not