aren’t as clear anymore. People look like inert objects, they are only there because they should be there, nothing seems real to me anymore. The environment and my life have no detail, I guess. I have tunnel vision and only care about what I need. It’s hard to explain”
“SSgt Wilson, this is a little confusing and I can’t totally comprehend what you’re saying.”
Capt. Daniels puts the clipboard down and stares at me as if I were a human Rubik’s cube.
“Do you feel depressed? Is family life okay for you?”
“I’m getting depressed about this; my family life is weird right now, and it seems like that’s where you and everyone else want to pawn this off but it’s not my family.”
“Well why not? Your paperwork says you’re married, if you’re not happy that might have a bearing on this?”
“Ok, let me explain this to you doc, I am married, my wife took my daughter and went on leave, out of nowhere or at least I don’t remember being told about it. This made me furious, but as time went on I feel like it was easier for me to be without them. But that makes no sense. I love them both more than anything, they are all I care about and all I need in life. The weird thing is, now that they’re gone, I think that might be a good thing for me right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it’s easier without them here. I’ve tried calling but lately I’ve been slacking off because in my head I know they’re fine. I just feel like if they were around this issue I’m dealing with would be way harder for me. Every day I lay down to sleep and when I wake up I notice that my life has deteriorated more and more and I’m beginning to care less and less.”
“Have you tried calling your parents about this or do you ever feel like giving up?”
“I do think about my friends and family all the time but when I talk to them I really feel like I’m just talking to myself. Even now talking to you, you’re asking me questions that I would ask myself, and it’s frustrating.”
“Well…”
I cut him off and continue my rant.
“Let me ask you this doc. Why does my arm randomly bleed?” I lean in closer to him.
“Well I…….”
I cut him off again, “why do I get constant throbbing headaches and hear voices screeching under my skull? Echoes that pound in my head like war drums? Why do I randomly get woozy and my chest starts to hurt and I feel like vomiting out of nowhere, why?”
“Umm…I don’t know, that’s…..”
My voice deepens, “That’s right, you don’t know because I don’t know, and you’re about as useful as I am trying to solve this. The longer I’m here the more time I feel like I’m wasting. I just want to go home. I think I just figured this entire thing out.” I get out of the chair and head for the door.
“Cory, we’re not done, you have a lot of emotions flowing through you right now and we need to talk. So please take a seat. I want to hear what you think you have figured out.” He anxiously asks.
“I figured out that only I can help myself. You can’t help me. Just let me come back tomorrow doc. I can’t deal with this right now I just want to relax.” I ask with the door knob in my hand.
“SSgt Wilson, if you calm down then I’ll consider it okay, just relax and let’s make an appointment. Please see my nurse when you leave and if you start to feel worse then call me, ok? I’m not going to let you leave without knowing you’re okay.”
I take a deep breath and calm down. “Yes, I’m better now, I’m sorry. I guess I just needed to vent and let off some steam. I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately and I’m not going to do anything stupid. So you don’t have to worry about that.”
“Do you promise to call me if something comes up? And I’m going to have my nurse call you tomorrow to see how you’re doing okay.”
“I will and that’s fine.” I nod back at him.
A false promise, I don’t need someone to tell me my mind is torn apart, I can see that myself. I just need to unwind and calm down. I just want to go home. That’s the only place I feel somewhat at peace.
8
Wrecked
I leave the doctor’s office and enter the pouring rain. I refuse to cover my head, my eyes close tightly. I start feeling sharp pains in my head as the annoying voices try to penetrate my thoughts; I shake them off trying and try to avoid the possible headache. I’m tired of them annoying me so I’m just going to try to suck it up and ignore them the best I can. I get into my truck and slam the door behind me; I catch a glance at myself in the mirror. My eyes look almost blood shot and my lip is quivering with the rage inside me that is beginning to boil over. I’m pissed from the doctors’ lack of help and by having to hear the same questions over and over again. I’m tired of talking about this; I just want it to stop. I pull my truck out of the parking lot and squeal tires as I exit the base. I squeeze the wheel tightly while I drive. My aggression increases and I slam my head back into the head rest and scream as loud as I can as I yank on the wheel!
All of a sudden I start to feel tired, my eye lids feel heavy; I just need to go home and lie down. I roll my shoulders and shake my head to wake up but my eyelids continue to close. I shake my head again and try to sit up taller in my seat. I decide to turn the radio on, music should help keep me awake, but as I start pressing the buttons, a loud horn begins screaming in front of me. I’m shocked by the noise and I quickly look up to see that I’ve drifted into oncoming traffic. The horn blares again from a huge black pick-up truck as I try to turn the wheel quickly back into my lane. But it’s too late, our vehicles collide. It happens so fast I can’t avoid it. My front driver’s side hits theirs, but I don’t feel the impact, not until I’m almost half way through his truck. Our eyes lock onto each others; terror grips both of us and time seems to slow down. Our eyes are pulled apart from the force tearing into both of our bodies. Then my truck jumps and starts to roll and flip across the road towards a grassy ditch. Glass starts piercing my skin and the flesh begins to tear off my body, thunderous noises from metal to gravel enter the air as my trucks interior shrinks and squeezes on top of me. The sound of glass breaking fills the air. I start to think that I’m going to die inside this truck. Then on the third turn, my seat belt snaps off and I’m thrown through the battered front window. I see images in quick rolling flashes and hear screeching noises as rain starts hitting the ground. My body collides with the ground and I slide through the wet grass onto my stomach. I slowly open my eyes and see that my face is in a mud puddle; bubbles appear on the water from beneath my mouth, they grow and pop with every breath I take. Warm strands run down my face and I can see blood dripping from my head onto my arms. Lacerations going up and down my arms begin blending into the dirty water. I try to push myself to my knees and amazingly I can. Glass shards are painfully placed throughout my body. I finally decide to look up and see the extent of damage I’ve caused with my careless driving. But oddly I see and hear nothing, just faltering silence. No other cars or people. I close my eyes real tight and pull my head up towards the sky as I let the water run down my face. I open my eyes and look back down to see no more cuts on my arms, no more tears on my skin. The glass is gone, I start shaking in fear and as I look around I see my apartment. I stand up and feel fine. There is no more rain, no cars in traffic, and no wreck whatsoever. I just hit a truck leaving base where is it? Is the driver ok? Was anyone injured? I see my truck parked in my apartments designated spot. I start weeping because now I know I’m losing my mind.
I start walking towards my apartment and keep pulling on my dry shirt trying to get past this anxiety. I take a long, deep breath as fear grips my body and I notice that I’m lost in my own world. I couldn’t have dreamt the wreck, because I was just lying in the mud right outside the base entrance. How did I get here? Nothing makes sense to me anymore. If the wreck didn’t happen, did my trip to the doctor? I know this had to have happened or did it?
9
end is near
I wake up feeling sicker than I have ever felt before,
like after a long night of binge drinking. My body feels beaten and my eyes carry images across the room. Everything I see blurs from object to object and it only exacerbates my nausea. I feel my heart pounding through my body and the beats echo in my head. I pull in half a breath then my chest collapses. The voices in my head are louder than normal and they won’t stop. My skull is throbbing in unison with every heart beat that pumps through my body. I put my moist palms on my head and the sweat feels cool and soothing against my hot skin. My eyes water as I turn over in my bed and glance at the clock, 8:00am. What other time did I expect? My life has been defaulted to start at 8:00am. I feel so weak, I pull myself to my feet and almost fall back on the bed but I catch myself on the bed post. My legs quiver and shake like wet noodles; soreness and infirmity flood my body and the manner is unrelenting. There are no medicines for what I have.
Today everything’s dark, not dim or faint, just dark. Unlike the past few days when the world had more life and color, now it’s bland and unnervingly motionless. I finally get my legs controlled under me and slowly stumble into the closet. There’s an antique case on the top shelf next to my gym bag. This case is the only thing in the closet my eyes can put color or focus on. I extend my arms and pull