"What rhymes with Elaine?" Cordelia asks me. She doesn't wait for an answer. "Elaine is a pain."
Carol peers into the baby carriage. "Look at the bunny ears," she says. "What's his name?" Her voice is wistful. I see Brian in a new light. It isn't everyone who's allowed to wheel a baby.
"Brian," I say. "Brian Finestein."
"Finestein is a Jewish name," says Grace.
I don't know what Jewish is. I've seen the word Jew, the Bible is full of that word, but I didn't know there were any live, real ones, especially next door to me.
"Jews are kikes," says Carol, glancing at Cordelia for approval.
"Don't be vulgar," says Cordelia, in her adult voice. "Kike is not a word we use."
I ask my mother what Jewish is. She says it's a different kind of religion. Mr. Banerji is a different kind of religion as well, though not Jewish. There are many different kinds. As for the Jews, Hitler killed a great many of them, during the war.
"Why?" I say.
"He was demented," says my father. "A megalomaniac." Neither of these words is much help.
"A bad person," says my mother.
I wheel Brian over the cindery snow, easing him around the potholes. He goggles up at me, his nose red, his tiny mouth unsmiling. Brian has a new dimension: he is a Jew. There is something extra and a little heroic about him; not even the blue ears of his bunny suit can detract from that. Jewish goes with the diapers, the oranges in the bowl, Mrs. Finestein's gold earrings and her possibly real ear holes, but also with ancient, important matters. You wouldn't expect to see a Jew every day.
Cordelia and Grace and Carol are beside me. "How's the little baby today?" asks Cordelia.
"He's fine," I say guardedly.
"I didn't mean him, I meant you," says Cordelia.
"Can I have a turn?" asks Carol.
"I can't," I tell her. If she does it wrong, if she upsets Brian Finestein into a snowbank, it will be my fault.
"Who wants an old Jew baby anyway," she says.
"The Jews killed Christ," says Grace primly. "It's in the Bible."
But Jews don't interest Cordelia much. She has other things on her mind. "If a man who catches fish is a fisher, what's a man who catches bugs?" she says.
"I don't know," I say.
"You are so stupid," says Cordelia. "That's what your father is, right? Go on. Figure it out. It's really simple."
"A bugger," I say.
"Is that what you think of your own father?" Cordelia says. "He's an entomologist, stupid. You should be ashamed. You should have your mouth washed out with soap."
I know that bugger is a dirty word, but I don't know why. Nevertheless I have betrayed, I have been betrayed. "I have to go," I say. Wheeling Brian back to Mrs. Finestein's, I cry silently, while Brian watches me, expressionless. "Goodbye, Brian," I whisper to him.
I tell Mrs. Finestein that I can't do the job any more because I have too much schoolwork. I can't tell her the real reason: that in some obscure way Brian is not safe with me. I have images of Brian headfirst in a snowbank; Brian hurtling in his carriage down the icy hill by the side of the bridge, straight toward the creek full of dead people; Brian tossed into the air, his bunny ears flung upwards in terror. I have only a limited ability to say no.
"Honey, that's all right," she says, looking into my raw, watery eyes. She puts her arm around me and gives me a hug and an extra nickel. No one has ever called me honey before this.
I go home, knowing I have failed her, and also myself. Bugger, I think to myself. I say it over and over until it disappears into its own syllables. Erbug, erbug. It's a word with no meaning, like kike, but it reeks of ill will, it has power. What have I done to my father?
I take all of Mrs. Finestein's King's-head nickels and spend them at the store on the way home from school. I buy licorice whips, jelly beans, many-layered blackballs with the seed in the middle, packages of fizzy sherbet you suck up through a straw. I dole them out equally, these offerings, these atonements, into the waiting hands of my friends. In the moment just before giving, I am loved.
26
It's Saturday. Nothing has happened all morning. Icicles form on the eaves trough above the south window, dripping in the sunlight with a steady sound like a leak. My mother is baking in the kitchen, my father and brother are elsewhere, I eat my lunch alone, watching the icicles.
The lunch is crackers and orange cheese and a glass of milk, and a bowl of alphabet soup. My mother thinks of alphabet soup as a cheerful treat for children. The alphabet soup has letters floating in it, white letters: capital A's and O's and S's and R's, the occasional X or Z. When I was younger I would fish the letters out and spell things with them on the edge of the plate, or eat my name, letter by letter. Now I just eat the soup, taking no particular interest. The soup is orangey-red and has a flavor, but the letters themselves taste like nothing.
The telephone rings. It's Grace. "You want to come out and play?" she says, in her neutral voice that is at the same time blank and unsoft, like glazed paper. I know Cordelia is standing beside her. If I say no, I will be accused of something. If I say yes, I will have to do it. I say yes.
"We'll come and get you," Grace says.
My stomach feels dull and heavy, as if it's full of earth. I put on my snowsuit and boots, my knitted hat and mittens. I tell my mother I'm going out to play. "Don't get chilled," she says.
The sun on the snow is blinding. There's a crust of ice over the drifts, where the top layer of snow has melted and then refrozen. My boots make clean-edged footprints through the crust. There's no one around. I walk through the white glare, toward Grace's house. The air is wavery, filled with light, overfilled; I can hear the pressure of it against my eyes. I feel translucent, like a hand held over a flashlight or the pictures of jellyfish I've seen in magazines, floating in the sea like watery flesh balloons.
At the end of the street I can see the three of them, very dark, walking toward me. Their coats look almost black. Even their faces when they come closer look too dark, as if they're in shadow.
Cordelia says, "We said we would come and get you. We didn't say you could come here."
I say nothing.
Grace says, "She should answer when we talk to her."
Cordelia says, "What's the matter, are you deaf?"
Their voices sound far away. I turn aside and throw up onto a snowbank. I didn't mean to do it and didn't know I was going to. I feel sick to my stomach every morning, I'm used to that, but this is the real thing, alphabet soup mixed with shards of chewed-up cheese, amazingly red and orange against the white of the snow, with here and there a ruined letter.
Cordelia doesn't say anything. Grace says, "You better go home." Carol, behind them, sounds as if she's going to cry. She says, "It's on her face." I walk back toward my house, smelling the vomit on the front of my snowsuit, tasting it in my nose and throat. It feels like bits of carrot.
I lie in bed with the scrub pail beside me, floating lightly on waves of fever. I throw up several times, until nothing but a little green juice comes out. My mother says, "I suppose we'll all get it," and she's right. During the night I can hear hurrying footsteps and retching and the toilet flushing. I feel safe, small, wrapped in my illness as if in cotton wool.
I begin to be sick more often. Sometimes my mother looks into my mouth with a flashlight and feels my forehead and takes my temperature and sends me to school, but sometimes I'm allowed to stay home. On these days I feel relief, as if I've been running for a long time and have reached a place where I can rest, not forever but for a while. Having a fever is pleasant, vacant. I enjoy the coolness of things, the flat ginger ale I'm given to drink, the delicacy of taste, afterward.
I lie in bed, propped up on pillows, a glass of water on a chair beside me, listening to the faraway sounds coming from my mother: the eggbeater, the vacuum cleaner, music from the radio, the lakeshore sound of the floor polisher. Winter sunlight slants in through the window, between the half-drawn curtains. I now
have curtains. I look at the ceiling light fixture, opaque yellowish glass with the shadows of two or three dead flies caught inside it showing through as if through cloudy jelly. Or I look at the doorknob.
Sometimes I cut things out of magazines and paste them into a scrapbook with LePage's mucilage, from the bottle that looks like a chess bishop. I cut out pictures of women, from Good Housekeeping, The Ladies' Home Journal, Chatelaine. If I don't like their faces I cut off the heads and glue other heads on. These women have dresses with puffed sleeves and full skirts, and white aprons that tie very tightly around their waists. They put germ killers onto germs, in toilet bowls; they polish windows, or clean their spotty complexions with bars of soap, or shampoo their oily hair; they get rid of their unwanted odors, rub hand lotion onto their rough wrinkly hands, hug rolls of toilet paper against their cheeks.
Other pictures show women doing things they aren't supposed to do. Some of them gossip too much, some are sloppy, others bossy. Some of them knit too much. "Walking, riding, standing, sitting, Where she goes, there goes her knitting," says one. The picture shows a woman knitting on a streetcar, with the ends of her knitting needles poking into the people beside her and her ball of wool unrolling down the aisle. Some of the women have a Watchbird beside them, a red and black bird like a child's drawing, with big eyes and stick feet. "This is a Watchbird watching a Busybody," it says. "This is a Watchbird watching YOU."
I see that there will be no end to imperfection, or to doing things the wrong way. Even if you grow up, no matter how hard you scrub, whatever you do, there will always be some other stain or spot on your face or stupid act, somebody frowning. But it pleases me somehow to cut out all these imperfect women, with their forehead wrinkles that show how worried they are, and fix them into my scrapbook.
At noon there's the Happy Gang, on the radio, knocking at the door.
Knock knock knock.
Who's there?
It's the Happy Gang!
Well, come ON IN!
Keep happy in the Happy Gang way,
Keep healthy, hope you're feeling okay,
'Cause if you're happy, and healthy,
The heck with being wealthy,
So be happy with the Happy Gang!
The Happy Gang fills me with anxiety. What happens to you if you aren't happy and healthy? They don't say. They themselves are always happy, or say they are; but I can't believe anyone can be always happy. So they must be lying some of the time. But when? How much of their fake-sounding laughter is really fake?
A little later there's the Dominion Observatory Official Time Signal: first a series of outer space beeps, then silence, then a long dash. The long dash means one o'clock. Time is passing; in the silence before the long dash the future is taking shape. I turn my head into the pillow. I don't want to hear it.
27
The winter melts, leaving a grubby scum of cinders, wet paper, soggy old leaves. A huge pile of topsoil appears in our backyard, then a pile of rolled-up squares of grass. My parents, in muddy boots and earth-stained pants, lay them over our mud like bathroom tiles. They pull out couch grass and dandelions, plant green onions and a row of lettuce. Cats appear from nowhere, scratching and squatting in the soft, newly planted earth, and my father throws clumps of dug-up dandelions at them. "Dad-ratted cats," he says.
The buds turn yellow, the skipping ropes come out. We stand in Grace's driveway, beside her dark pink crab apple tree. I turn the rope, Carol turns the other end, Grace and Cordelia skip. We look like girls playing.
We chant:
Not last night but the night before
Twenty-four robbers come to my back door
And this is what they said ... to ... me!
Lady turn around, turn around, turn around,
Lady touch the ground, touch the ground, touch the ground;
Lady show your shoe, show your shoe, show your shoe,
Lady, lady, twenty-four skiddoo!
Grace, skipping in the middle, turns around, touches the driveway, kicks up one foot sedately, smiling her little smile. She rarely trips.
This chant is menacing to me. It hints at an obscure dirtiness. Something is not understood: the robbers and their strange commands, the lady and her gyrations, the tricks she's compelled to perform, like a trained dog. And what does "twenty-four skiddoo" mean, at the end of it? Is she scooted out the door of her house while the robbers remain inside, free to take anything they like, break anything, do whatever they want? Or is it the end of her altogether? I see her dangling from the crab apple tree, the skipping rope noosed around her neck. I am not sorry for her.
The sun shines, the marbles return, from wherever they've been all winter. The voices of the children rise in the schoolyard: purie, purie, bowlie, bowlie, two for one. They sound to me like ghosts, or like animals caught in a trap: thin wails of exhausted pain.
We cross the wooden bridge on the way home from school. I am walking behind the others. Through the broken boards I can see the ground below. I remember my brother burying his jar full of puries, of waterbabies and cat's eyes, a long time ago, down there somewhere under the bridge. The jar is still there in the earth, shining in the dark, in secret. I think about myself going down there alone despite the sinister unseen men, digging up the treasure, having all that mystery in my hands. I could never find the jar, because I don't have the map. But I like to think about things the others know nothing about.
I retrieve my blue cat's eye from where it's been lying all winter in the corner of my bureau drawer. I examine it, holding it up so the sunlight burns through it. The eye part of it, inside its crystal sphere, is so blue, so pure. It's like something frozen in the ice. I take it to school with me, in my pocket, but I don't set it up to be shot at. I hold on to it, rolling it between my fingers.
"What's that in your pocket?" says Cordelia.
"Nothing," I say. "It's only a marble."
It's marble season; everyone has marbles in their pockets. Cordelia lets it pass. She doesn't know what power this cat's eye has, to protect me. Sometimes when I have it with me I can see the way it sees. I can see people moving like bright animated dolls, their mouths opening and closing but no real words coming out. I can look at their shapes and sizes, their colors, without feeling anything else about them. I am alive in my eyes only.
We stay in the city later than we've ever stayed before. We stay until school ends for the summer and the daylight lasts past bedtime and wet heat descends over the streets like a steaming blanket. I drink grape Freshie, which does not taste like grapes but like something you might use to kill insects, and wonder when we're going to leave for the north. I tell myself it will be never, so I won't be disappointed. But despite my cat's eye I know I can't stand to be here in this place much longer. I will burst inward. I've read in the National Geographic about deep-sea diving and why you have to wear a thick metal suit or the invisible pressure of the heavy undersea water will crush you like mud in a fist, until you implode. This is the word: implode. It has a dull final sound to it, like a lead door closing.
I sit in the car, packed into the back seat like a parcel. Grace and Cordelia and Carol are standing among the apple trees, watching. I hunch down, avoiding them. I don't want to pretend, to undergo goodbyes. As the car moves away they wave.
We drive north. Toronto is behind us, a smear of brownish air on the horizon, like smoke from a distant burning. Only now do I turn and look.
The leaves get smaller and yellower, folding back toward the bud, and the air crisps. I see a raven by the side of the road, picking at a porcupine that's been run over by a car, its quills like a huge burr, its guts pink and scrambled like eggs. I see the northern granite rock rising straight up out of the ground with the road cut through it. I see a raggedy lake with dead trees stuck into the marsh around the edges. A sawdust burner, a fire tower.
Three Indians stand beside the road. They aren't selling anything, no baskets and it's too early for blueberries. They just stand there as if th
ey've been doing it for a long time. They're familiar to me but only as scenery. Do they see me as I stare at them out of the car window? Probably not. I'm a blur to them, one more face in a car that doesn't stop. I have no claim on them, or on any of this.
I sit in the back seat of the car that smells of gasoline and cheese, waiting for my parents, who are buying groceries. The car is beside a wooden general store, saggy and weathered gray, stuck together by the signs nailed all over the outside of it: BLACK CAT CIGARETTES, PLAYERS, COCA-COLA. This isn't even a village, just a wide place in the highway, beside a bridge beside a river. Once I would have wanted to know the river's name. Stephen stands on the bridge, dropping pieces of wood upstream, timing how long it takes them to come out the other side, calculating the rate of flow. The blackflies are out. Some of them are in the car, crawling up the window, jumping, crawling up again. I watch them do this: I can see their hunched backs, their abdomens like little black-red bulbs. I squash them against the glass, leaving red smears of my own blood.
I've begun to feel not gladness, but relief. My throat is no longer tight, I've stopped clenching my teeth, the skin on my feet has begun to grow back, my fingers have healed partially. I can walk without seeing how I look from the back, talk without hearing the way I sound. I go for long periods without saying anything at all. I can be free of words now, I can lapse back into wordlessness, I can sink back into the rhythms of transience as if into bed.
This summer we're in a rented cabin on the north shore of Lake Superior. There are a few other cottages around, most of them empty; there are no other children. The lake is huge and cold and blue and treacherous. It can sink freighters, drown people. In a wind the waves roll in with the crash of oceans. Swimming in it doesn't frighten me at all. I wade into the freezing water, watching my feet and then my legs go down into it, long and white and thinner than on land.
There's a wide beach, and to one end of it a colony of boulders. I spend time among them. They're rounded, like seals, only hard; they heat up in the sun, and stay warm in the evening when the air cools. I take pictures of them with my Brownie camera. I give them the names of cows.