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So she bit her lips, because she couldn’t say yes. Not yet. Oh, she would. There was no doubt. But first…first she had to do the most difficult thing she might ever face in her life. She had to face down her past. And then she had to forgive herself.
“I love you,” she said fiercely. “I don’t want you to ever doubt that. ”
She looked each of them in the eye as she spoke the words.
“You have no idea how much I want this. ”
She slid off the ring and carefully returned it to the safety of the velvet jeweler’s box.
Before they could protest, she turned back to them, not wanting them to believe even for a moment that she was rejecting them or their love.
“Give me just a few days,” she asked. “Just give me that and then ask me again. There’s something I must do. For us. And for me. Ask me then and I’ll put that ring on, and I’ll never take it off. Until then, hold it for me. And don’t give up on me. ”
“Oh honey, that’s never going to happen,” Seth said as he hugged her to him.
She’d expected an argument or maybe anger. Insecurity or that they’d think she was rejecting their proposal. But they all looked at her with love and understanding in their eyes. No judgment. No anger. Nothing but love. Pure, unconditional love.
The sun slid over her skin, warming her through. She turned her face up, a sheen of tears making the sky a little shinier. She’d spent a lot of time railing against God. Asking why. Asking for a miracle. All this time she’d thought He’d turned a deaf ear to her. That He’d forgotten her or that she was unworthy of his grace or mercy.
She knew now that she was wrong.
He’d sent her the biggest miracle of all. Three wonderful, loving, patient men with an endless capacity for loyalty and love.
For the first time since Rose’s death, she realized that she’d survive. And not only could she survive, but she could be happy again.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lily carefully folded the drawing so that the image wasn’t in any way compromised and then she tucked it into her pocket. It was perfect. Just as she’d envisioned it.
She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. This was it. She was going to do it.
She scribbled a note for the guys and left it on the bar where they’d see it. Then she took the keys to Seth’s truck that he’d left for her in case she needed a vehicle since he now drove an SUV that was his official duty vehicle when he was on the clock.
She didn’t call Holly before she headed toward the Colter home. She hadn’t wanted to explain over the phone. It was simply too complicated. She just hoped that Holly and Callie were home, because while much of what she was doing had to be done by herself, she needed the kind of support that the Colter women provided.
She pulled into the drive and saw the array of vehicles driven by Holly, Callie and Holly’s husbands. If the cars were any indicators, they were all at home.
Gathering her courage, she got out and went to knock on the door.
Adam answered, and while there was surprise in his eyes, his smile was warm and welcoming. He held out his arms and gathered her into a quick hug, shocking the daylights out of Lily.
“How are you, honey?” he asked gently.
It dawned on her that Seth, Dillon and Michael had probably told their family what had happened. It didn’t anger her. The Colters were tight-knit and it seemed the most natural thing in the world that they would have spoken to their parents about her situation.
She smiled up at him. “I’m good. Are Holly and Callie here? I’d like to talk to them, if possible. ”
“Of course. Why don’t you come in. Would you like something to drink? I have tea and lemonade. ”
“I’m good, but thank you,” she said shyly.
As they entered the living room, Ryan looked up from where he sat on the couch reading a book. He stood when he saw Lily, concern etched on his brow.
“Is everything okay, Lily?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” she said hastily. “I just came to talk to Holly and Callie. ”
“I’ll get them,” Adam volunteered. “Last I saw them, they were holed up in Callie’s room internet shopping. God help us. ”
Lily stifled her laughter as Adam left the room but then she stood awkwardly, bearing Ryan’s scrutiny as she waited.
“Have a seat,” he offered. “How are you doing? Are you enjoying your art?”
Lily’s tension eased and she smiled, unaware of the way her entire face lit up and she glowed. But Ryan saw. He knew how incredibly talented the young woman was. He also knew that she’d endured a lot of hurt in her young life. She reminded him so much of Holly when she’d first come to him and his brothers. A wounded bird in need of a place to heal so she could spread her wings again.
He hoped like hell that his sons would prove to be exactly what Lily needed. He knew for certain that she was precisely what they needed.
Adam returned a moment later with both Holly and Callie hot on his heels. Ryan also wondered if Lily wouldn’t be key in soothing some of the hurt he saw in his own daughter’s eyes. Lily…she was special, and he’d known from the day he met her that she was going to make a huge difference in his family.
She was already entrenched in so many ways. Holly loved her, and Lily had won Callie’s heart the day she’d given her the beautiful drawing of Callie’s Meadow.
“Lily!” Holly exclaimed.
Holly was more obvious than Adam and he himself had been. She wrapped her arms around Lily and hugged her fiercely, rocking her back and forth just like she was a child in need of comfort.
“Oh honey, I’ve been so worried about you. What a terrible time you’ve had. But you’re home now. You have a family who loves you. ”
Lily gave Holly a watery smile that tugged at Ryan’s heart. He looked over at Adam, and Adam nodded his head in the direction of the door.
Ryan stood and on his way by, he gave Lily a hug of his own. She’d always seemed a little more uneasy around him than the others, but then he’d always been told he wasn’t an easy guy to relax around. But he wanted Lily to feel loved and welcomed. Part of their family.
She seemed surprised by the gesture and then she hugged him back, briefly resting her head against his chest.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said simply.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
He pulled away. “We’ll leave you ladies to it. Adam and I will be out in the barn if you need us. ”
As soon as the men had left, Holly all but dragged Lily to the couch and sat her down between her and Callie.
“How are you, really?”
“I’m good,” Lily said. “I came by because…” She sighed. “It’s complicated. I need your help. ”
“Name it,” Callie said. “Whatever it is, we’ll help you in any way we can. ”
Lily reached over to squeeze the other girl’s hand. “I’m so grateful to have you as a friend. ”
Callie smiled. “The feeling is entirely mutual. Now tell us. What do you need?”
“I need you to go to Denver with me,” she blurted.
Holly’s eyes widened in surprise.
“There are two things I want…need…to do. The first one might sound silly. ”
As she spoke, she drew out the paper she’d put in her pocket and carefully unfolded it. The two other women leaned over to look.
“It’s beautiful,” Callie murmured. “It’s them isn’t it? Seth, Michael and Dillon. ”
“How did you know?” Lily asked in awe.
Callie smiled and pointed first to the circular band, threaded with four colors. A vibrant blue, green, brown and burnt orange. “This is the four of you. Unity. Never ending. This symbol is for Michael, the healer,” she said, pointing to the intricate caduceus that Lily had drawn into the band. Then she pointed to the shield that was equidistant from the other two symbols embedded in the colorful band. “
And this is Seth, the protector. ”
Holly pointed to the sword, the last symbol in the band. “This must be Dillon, the fighter. ”
“Fierce,” Lily murmured. “He’s fierce and loyal. ”
“And then there’s you,” Callie said quietly as she traced the lines of the delicate lily coiling from the midst of the circle, blooming, the petals just unfurling.
Lily smiled. “Do you think it’s stupid?”
“I think it’s awesome,” Callie said. “Absolutely amazing. What are you going to do with it?”
“I want to get a tattoo. ”
Holly’s mouth dropped open, and Callie’s lips split into a broad grin. “Oh my God, that’s perfect! Absolutely perfect! Where? You have to tell me where. ”
Lily brushed her fingers over her hip. “Here. I want it to be private, but I want it to be something they see. And know that it’s us. I’m a little scared and I have no idea where to go. That’s why I was hoping you would go with me. Dillon said you went with him when he got his ink done in Denver. ”
Callie clapped her hands in delight. “I know the perfect place. The guy there is an amazing artist. I might even get a tat myself while we’re there. I would have done it when Dillon got his, but he got all snarly with me about it. ”
“As he should have,” Holly said.
Callie rolled her eyes.
“You don’t approve?” Lily asked Holly. The last thing she wanted was to drag her future mother-in-law to a tattoo parlor if the idea horrified her.
“Oh it’s not that. Callie was a lot younger then and had no business getting a tattoo. What she does when she’s older is her business. And I’m going with you two. It sounds like a lot of fun. ”
Her eyes twinkled and Callie and Lily cracked up laughing at the idea of Holly hanging out in a tattoo parlor.
“Oh God,” Callie groaned. “We can not tell the dads what we’re doing. They’d have ten kittens and they’d tie us to chairs for the rest of the day. ”
Holly put a hand over her mouth but she nodded her agreement.
“There’s another thing,” Lily said softly.
“Go on,” Callie encouraged.
“We’d need to be there overnight. I want to get the tattoo first. But then…then I’m going to go see my ex-husband. ”
Callie sucked in her breath and Holly’s smile dimmed. She reached over and took Lily’s hand in hers, squeezing.
“Do you really think that’s wise? He hurt you, honey. Don’t give him another chance to hurt you again. ”
“That’s just it,” Lily breathed. “I let him do and say all those things. I never fought back because I didn’t feel like I deserved better. I believed in my heart that everything he said was true and that he was justified. But he was wrong,” she said fiercely. “He had no right. He was wrong, and I won’t let him get away with it. I have to confront him. I have to lay my demons to rest if I want to go forward with a new life with Seth, Dillon and Michael. I want to look him in the eye and tell him what a bastard he was for telling me I killed our child. ”
Tears ran freely down her cheeks. She was angry. Furious, even. But just saying the words. Her child. It made grief soar through her all over again.
Callie hugged her from one side while Holly wrapped her arms around both girls and rocked back and forth.
“You get mad, honey. You get pissed off. You’re exactly right. He was a cock-sucking bastard for what he did to you. ”
“Mom!” Callie blurted.
Lily shoulders shook with helpless laughter at the shock in Callie’s voice over Holly’s crude language.
“Well he is,” Holly huffed. “What kind of asshole lays the blame at his wife’s door when he wasn’t man enough to step up and help ease her burden? I hope you don’t blame yourself anymore, Lily. ”
Holly leaned away and brushed her fingers through the strands of Lily’s hair. “You have to know it wasn’t your fault. What happened was a terrible, horrific thing that no mother should ever have to endure. But it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault. ”
“I know that now,” Lily said in a low voice. “For so long, I didn’t feel like I deserved forgiveness. Now I realize that I first have to forgive myself. And I have to face down the man who betrayed me in a way no woman should ever be betrayed. I can’t not confront him. I’ve been thinking about this all week. It’s something I have to do for me. So I can be whole again. ”
She glanced between Callie and Holly. “The guys asked me to marry them. ”
Callie’s entire face lit up. “And? You said yes, right?”
“I asked them to ask me again in a few days,” Lily said quietly. “I need to do this first so that I can come to them free of my past. Without any baggage. So we can have a fresh start. ”
Holly stood. “Well then, what are we waiting for? Let’s get this girl to Denver so she can get back and put my boys out of their misery. ”