Maureen appeared at the open door, and knocked gently to get my attention. I was startled and pulled back my hand as if caught doing something wrong. I wondered how long Maureen had been there. She smiled at me in a way that suggested she’d noticed my tenderness with Adam and, embarrassed, I made my way to the door.
‘Sorry to disturb you, but I brought the extra blankets Adam asked for.’
They were for the couch, so I placed them there.
I could tell Maureen wanted to ask, but instead she said, ‘And, well …’ she looked across at his sleeping body, ‘there was a phone call for Adam.’
‘I don’t think we should disturb him,’ I said gently. ‘You can tell him later. Or is it urgent?’
‘It was Maria.’
‘Oh.’
‘She tried calling his mobile, but he’s not answering. She wants to know if he wants her to come to the funeral. She said they had a few problems and she wasn’t sure he’d want her here or not. She doesn’t want to upset him.’
‘Oh …’ I looked at Adam and tried to figure out what to do. The Adam in Dublin would have wanted her. This Adam needed her, but this wasn’t the Adam Maria had fallen in love with and was falling for again. I was determined they should meet when he was back on form. Maria, seeing him like this, or being treated the way she had been previously, would send her running straight back into the arms of Sean. I would have to talk about it later with him but I was sure he would agree with me. ‘I think he would prefer her not to be here, but it’s not because he’s upset with her. Please let her know that.’
‘Okay. I’ll tell her,’ Maureen said gently. She cast a quick look at Adam again, obviously wondering to herself: Should I trust this lady? Should I ask him myself?
It was when she was down the hall that I chased her, more comfortable speaking with her when Adam was out of earshot.
‘Maureen …’ I wrung my hands together. ‘We’re not … together. Adam and I. He’s not very well lately, he’s having a few problems, personally.’
Maureen nodded, as if this she knew very well.
‘He wouldn’t appreciate me saying anything. I’m sure you know him better than me, but I’m trying to … help him. I have been trying to help him all week. I thought it was working. I don’t know what he’s usually like, but in the days following our initial meeting, he has seemed … lighter. This has set him back a bit. Though I know there’s never a good time to lose someone …’
‘You met Mr Basil?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well then, you’ll understand when I say that, despite working for him for thirty-five years, we weren’t exactly close.’
‘The same could be said for his son.’
Maureen pursed her lips and nodded. ‘I’m sure you won’t take this any further, but Adam,’ she lowered her voice, ‘he has always been sensitive. He has always been hard on himself. He could never let go of things easily, even the smallest things. I tried to be there for him, but Adam preferred to deal with things alone, quietly, and Mr Basil … well, he was Mr Basil.’
‘I understand. Thank you for the insight, and I assure you I won’t repeat what you’ve said. I literally haven’t taken my eyes off him for the week,’ I explained.
‘Most women can’t.’ She smiled and I blushed, tellingly.
‘For reasons I can’t explain, I can’t let him out of my sight. Hence the bedroom situation, but I really need to go somewhere now and I wonder if you could keep an eye on him for me? I’m sure you have lots to do for tomorrow, but I’ll only be an hour. If you wouldn’t mind?’
I placed a chair outside the bedroom door for Maureen so that he wouldn’t be freaked out to find her lounging on the couch at the end of his bed.
‘Please ring me if he wakes, goes to the toilet, anything.’ I cast a worried glance at Adam in bed, trying to decide whether to stay or go.
‘It’ll be fine.’ Maureen placed a warm hand on my arm.
‘Okay,’ I said nervously.
‘She was right,’ Maureen said.
‘Who was?’
‘Maria. She asked me if Adam was here with a woman. Someone pretty who seemed to be taking care of him.’
‘She did?’
‘Yes.’ Maureen nodded.
‘What did you say?’
‘I told her she would have to discuss Adam’s business with Adam.’
I managed a weak smile. ‘Thanks.’
I found Pat in the service kitchen, tucking into an egg sandwich. I was already dreading the drive in a confined space with him; speed and now an egg to top it off. I tried to politely wait until he’d finished, but knowing Adam was upstairs without me caused me to pace nervously.
‘Fine,’ Pat said, forcing the final half of the sandwich into his mouth, pushing back the chair, downing his cup of tea and standing up. He grabbed the car keys and headed to the car.
Mary Keegan, Dick Basil’s right-hand ‘man’ lived twenty minutes away on an impressive patch of land. When I found no answer at the house, Pat pointed me in the direction of the stables and went back to the radio blaring sport in the overheated egg-fart smelling car. He had been right about her whereabouts. I stood at the fence and watched the elegant woman on horseback as she jumped the obstacle course.
‘That’s Lady Meadows,’ a voice said behind me, and I turned to see Mary. She was dressed for the occasion: wellington boots, a warm fleece with a padded waistcoat over it.
‘I thought I was watching you.’
‘Me? Certainly not!’ she laughed. ‘I wouldn’t have enough time to be as good as that. I’m only good for morning gallops and hunts. I do love hunts.’
‘Lady Meadows is the horse or the woman?’
‘The horse,’ she laughed. ‘The woman is Misty. She’s a show jumper, competes professionally. Almost made the Olympics last time, but her horse Medicine Man broke his leg in training. Maybe next time.’
‘You’ve a great set-up here. How many horses do you have?’
‘Twelve. Not all of them are ours, but it helps with the fees. We’re expanding though. She’s even thinking about getting into breeding.’
‘Is the dream for you to be here full-time?’
‘Me? No. Why, have you been sent from Basil’s to fire me?’ She tried to make it appear she was joking, but it was clear from the fear in her eyes that she was worried.
‘No, actually, quite the opposite.’
Mary looked intrigued.
We finished our conversation in what should have been the warmth of the bungalow, but with the door opening and closing as stable hands came and went there was little chance of any warmth remaining in the house. Mary kept her coat on and so did I, drinking as much hot tea as I could and warming my hands on the mug as I sat on an animal-hair-infested couch surrounded by three dogs; one sleeping, one with cabin fever as he wandered around the room sniffing at walls for a way out and another that sat in Mary’s lap and watched me in a disconcerting manner without blinking for the entire conversation. Mary didn’t seem to notice any of it, not the cold, nor the dog hair that I scooped from my mug. I wasn’t sure if that was because she was so used to it all or because of my proposal.
She acted dubious but her interest was obvious. ‘And you worked on this with Adam?’
‘Yes,’ I was only half-lying. ‘He couldn’t be here today because there’s so much to arrange for the funeral.’ I thought of him in his house, lying in the darkness with the bed covers over his head.
‘And he’s happy with this?’ she asked, confused. ‘With not having a day-to-day role in the company? With me making the decisions?’
‘Absolutely. He’ll be chairman of the board, so all decisions will have to be signed off by him, but I think it’s the best way to move forward. Everyone I’ve spoken to is very sure that you could run the company in the way Mr Basil intends. You love the company.’
‘It was the first place I worked after school.’ She smiled. ‘They used to be based in Dublin, but when they moved here it was gr
eat for the area. It is great. I spent the first year answering phones. Gradually moved my way up. But …’ She shook her head, confused.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Old Mr Basil wouldn’t have wanted this. Mr Basil’s family wouldn’t want this. Lavinia would rather roll over and die than see me in her position. The Basils prefer to keep things in the family.’ She didn’t speak ill of anyone, she was too professional for that, but I could read between the lines and it tallied with what Adam had said about feeling pressure from his family within the company over him getting the job and not them.
‘As long as it’s not his uncle’s family involved,’ I added.
‘Well, of course,’ she agreed. ‘It won’t go to Nigel, will it?’ she asked, worried.
‘That’s the last thing Adam wants. And I don’t think you have anything to worry about with Lavinia.’
‘Are you sure Adam is happy with this?’ she asked again, confused.
I stalled. ‘Do you mind me asking, why are you unsure about this? I thought it was obvious Adam didn’t want the job.’
‘Oh, I sensed that, of course, but I thought it would be different when Mr Basil died. I thought he’d see it differently. It’s hard to do your job when Mr Basil’s breathing down your neck; he barely gives you a second to think and then he barks at you for not thinking. I thought that Adam would want to make it his own.’ She shrugged. ‘I thought his problem was with his father, not with the company. And he’s proved he’s good at it, the short time he’s been there. He had some good ideas – and believe me, we could do with some fresh blood in there. It would be such a shame for him not to take the position. But, as you say, if this is what he wants …’ She looked at me as though she didn’t believe me.
This confused me all over again.
My phone rang.
It was Maureen. ‘He’s awake.’
I didn’t need to tell Pat to put the foot down, he was already driving over 100 mph on roads I would barely do sixty on. When I reached the house, I expected to find Adam outside or downstairs but instead I found him still in his bedroom, trying to talk a flushed-faced Maureen into letting him out.
‘Slide the keys under the door, Maureen,’ Adam said, the impatience in his voice clear.
‘Uh. I’m not sure they fit,’ she said nervously, then held her head in her hands in silent turmoil. She heard me on the staircase and looked up at me in relief. ‘He had a shower and he was hungry so I brought him lunch and locked the door,’ she whispered frantically. ‘He kept saying he wanted to go for a walk.’
‘Why didn’t you let him?’
‘You said not to let him out of my sight!’
‘You could have followed him.’
She clamped her hands across her open mouth, not having thought of that. I felt my mouth twitch.
‘He’s very angry,’ Maureen whispered.
‘That’s okay. He’ll take it out on me.’ I raised my voice. ‘It’s all right, Adam, I’m here, I’ll help.’
I put the key in the lock and rattled it around as though I was having a difficult time. Adam kept pushing the handle up and down impatiently.
‘Adam, stop! I’m trying to …’ Finally the key clicked in place and the door flew open. I was so surprised by the sudden force that I didn’t have time to move. Adam came bounding out, like a bull released, and my shoulder was the target as he bumped past, but he was too angry to stop and apologise and Maureen caught me as I flew back a few feet.
‘Oh dear, my dear, are you okay?’
I didn’t feel the burning until afterwards as I was more concerned about Adam running down the stairs, steam coming from his ears. I took off in pursuit.
‘I want to be alone,’ he said, power-walking out of the house and taking a left that led to a pathway along the lake.
His legs were so much longer than mine and I had to jog to keep up. A few quick steps, then a jog to catch up, a few quick steps and then another jog. Between a slight panic that he’d gone off the rails and the fact I was jogging I was a little out of breath already.
‘You know I can’t do that,’ I said, running a bit, then walking, then running again to catch up.
‘Not now, okay?’
I kept up with him, didn’t want to say anything to annoy him. I remained at his side, silent but present. Not that he wouldn’t be able to do anything just because I was there. He was strong, as the throbbing in my shoulder proved. Still, I persevered, I couldn’t give up on him, I couldn’t leave him alone, I couldn’t—
‘CHRISTINE!’ he yelled in my face. ‘GO AWAY.’
He’d stopped suddenly and it had taken me by surprise. He shouted so loudly it echoed around the lake, reverberated in my head, hurt my ears, made my heart bang in my chest. The flash of anger in his eyes, the single vein that throbbed in his forehead and the veins that protruded from his neck, his hands in fists, unintentionally threatening, made me catch my breath and hold it. I felt like a child who had been shouted at by an adult, that surprised, vulnerable, embarrassed feeling. And I felt alone, suddenly so very alone. He turned away from me and charged off and I collapsed, crouched over, hands flying to my knees as I gasped for breath, as I started to cry and for once didn’t try to stop it.
I let him go.
20
How to Stand Up and Be Counted
I felt an odd sort of calm as I sat in the boathouse and looked out to Lough Derg. The edges of the lake had frozen over and ducks flew down, pecked at it and instantly soared to the sky as though it was too cold even for them, their hunger wasn’t worth it. I sniffed again as my nose dripped, giving up on wiping it as it was completely numb, my eyes red and sore. I was sure my tears would have frozen had they not been flowing so swiftly. I didn’t bother to wipe them, occasionally they would roll to my lip and I’d lick them, tasting the salt. It was an odd sort of feeling, waiting, feeling helpless to stop an act I had felt solely responsible for in waking and sleeping hours, and yet when it came to it I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop. Not physically. My words were all I had, my thinking was all I had, but this time he didn’t want to listen.
I heard footsteps behind me and my heart pounded. It was them, coming to tell me they’d found him. Possibly to arrest me – could they do that? Hadn’t my failure aided and abetted him? I stared straight ahead, the lake dark and still, but cold, my breathing ragged in the silence. There was a break in the clouds and I looked up at the light and I had a sudden optimistic thought. The footsteps were slow, there was nothing panicked about them, nothing even threatening. They stopped behind me and then continued around the boathouse until Adam appeared beside me.
He sat down next to me. I held up a hand to stop him from coming any closer. I bit my lip to ward off a fresh bout of crying and, sensing I’d be unsuccessful, I turned my face away from him.
Adam cleared his throat but was quiet for a while longer. It was the right thing to do; sitting together, being in each other’s company, was itself warming the chilly air between us.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and even after he’d taken so long to say it, it still felt sudden.
I didn’t reply. I knew that I should but I didn’t forgive him.
‘Where did you go?’
‘To let off some steam. Scared off a couple of hares and made a deer shit itself.’
I couldn’t help it. A small giggle escaped.
‘That’s better,’ he said, gentler. ‘I hate seeing you cry.’ He reached out and wiped a stray tear from my cheek. I closed my eyes and another one fell.
‘Hey,’ he said, sliding across the bench and putting his arm around me.
I decided not to speak, unable to control the lump in my throat. Instead I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head.
‘I’m never myself when I’m here,’ he said. ‘I turn into this messy, angry … well you know.’
He left a silence. I didn’t fill it. I was going to listen, not help him out.
‘And you promised me you wouldn?
??t tell anyone. That made me angry.’
‘Tell anyone what?’ I looked up at him.
‘About you know, last Sunday.’
‘I didn’t tell anyone.’
He looked at me. ‘Christine, don’t lie, please don’t lie. Not you. The rest of the world can lie to me, but not you.’
‘I’m not,’ I moved away from him. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you.’ And as if to prove it, I said immediately, ‘I told Maureen to tell Maria not to come to the funeral, I thought it would be best if she didn’t see you like this.’
He tried to read my face. ‘But that’s not what I’m talking about.’
‘I know. But it’s the only thing I haven’t told you. Plus the thing I’m about to tell you. But apart from those things I’ve kept my word. I would never tell anyone about how we met.’
‘What are you about to tell me?’ he frowned.
‘I’ll tell you after.’
‘Tell me now.’
‘Adam, who do you think I told?’
‘Maureen,’ he said, getting tense.
‘I didn’t tell her.’
‘She locked me in the room.’
I winced. ‘She panicked. I told her to keep an eye on you. That you were having personal problems, that—’
‘Jesus Christine,’ he didn’t shout as loud as last time, I didn’t think I’d ever hear that volume from anyone ever again, but the venom was there.
‘That’s not telling her, Adam.’
‘It’s telling her that there’s something wrong.’
It was my turn to explode. ‘Do you think there’s a person who knows you who doesn’t realise there’s something wrong? Seriously, Adam, think about it. Do you honestly suppose nobody notices? That nobody cares? I had to go out and I was afraid to leave you. Maureen said she’d keep an eye on you. I didn’t think she’d lock you up!’
Saying it sounded funny and even though I was angry, I smiled.
‘It’s not funny,’ he said, surprised.
‘I know it’s not,’ I agreed, the corners of my lips still twitching. ‘Well, it is, a little.’ Then my smile got bigger and wouldn’t go away.