Lauren had to admit that her mom had good taste—Xairn did look fabulous in his new GQ wardrobe. Fabulous but very unhappy. He asked her several times why they couldn’t simply find a few functional pieces and leave it at that. “I have never owned this much clothing in my life,” he protested near the end of the day when Abby tried to get him to try on just one more Armani suit. “Where will I wear all of it?”
“Mom, he has a point,” Lauren had said wearily. “He’ll probably just be helping me in my shop. That fancy suit won’t look too good once it’s coated in cake flour.”
“Oh, all right.” Abby had thrown up her hands and sighed. “We’ll just take what we’ve already got. You can take that off, Xairn.”
“Good.” Xairn’s voice had been almost a growl. Instead of going back into the dressing room, he’d ripped off the suit jacket and begun unbuttoning the Egyptian cotton shirt. Unfortunately, that put his chest on display. Lauren heard a muted gasp from her mother as the raised black lines of the brand came into view.
“My God,” she whispered to Lauren, her eyes still fixed on Xairn’s muscular chest. “What the hell did you do to him, sweetheart? Why did you tattoo your name across his chest?”
“I didn’t do it,” Lauren protested, feeling embarrassed.
“But honey, that’s your handwriting,” her mother protested. “I’d recognize it anywhere.” She gave Lauren a disapproving look. “He’s a very handsome man and I can understand you wanting to mark your territory, but did you really have to sign him like a Christmas card?”
“I didn’t—”
“Lauren did not do this.” Xairn came to stand in front of them, his bare chest still exposed. Other people in the shop were staring now and Lauren could feel her cheeks getting hot.
“She…she didn’t?” Abby faltered, looking up at him.
“No. Another did it, but I allowed them to do it willingly, so do not blame Lauren.” Xairn frowned. “She is burned into my flesh as she is burned into my heart. I love her.”
“You do?” Abby didn’t sound entirely happy about it.
Xairn’s eyes narrowed but Lauren was relieved to see that they didn’t flash back to their old color scheme this time. “Would I be here, allowing myself to be dressed and undressed like some sort of doll if I didn’t love her? What male needs such a ridiculous array of garments?”
“Xairn!” Lauren said helplessly. “Please, Mom’s just trying to get you the right clothes to blend in.”
“To blend in where?” Xairn looked down at the expensive slacks he had on with a sneer. “A male harem, perhaps?” He shook his head and looked at Abby. “I appreciate your generosity but I am through with this. I am going back to Lauren’s living space.”
And that had been the end of the shopping trip.
Lauren had apologized to both of them separately but the damage had been done. Xairn thought her mother was controlling and officious and her mother thought he was some kind of a nut who was willing to get himself tattooed with her daughter’s name after only knowing her for a short time. The only consolation, as far as Lauren was concerned, was that her mother thought it was a tattoo. If she knew that the signature was a brand, that Lauren’s name had actually been burned into Xairn’s flesh, who knew what she might have thought?
Lauren sighed and rolled over to look at the clock. Five AM. The alarm would be going off soon. If she went back to sleep now, she could get at least another thirty minutes. But her mind wouldn’t shut off. The disastrous shopping trip had been bad enough but it wasn’t the only reason she was upset. Her program of casual, non-sexual touching just wasn’t going very well.
Oh, Xairn allowed her to touch him all she wanted to. He tolerated it when she ran her fingers through his hair and kissed his cheek and sat in his lap but for Lauren it was like loving a statue. Because though he tolerated her affection, he never returned it. He never hugged her, never kissed her, never even put an arm around her shoulders unless she prompted him to do it. And the entire time they were close, she could feel the tension coursing through his body. It was as though he was exerting all his will power to hold himself back every second they were together. Worse, it seemed like he was excusing himself all the time to run to the restroom and Lauren knew what he was doing in there. She could tell by the soft, frustrated sounds.
They’re not sounds of pleasure, though, she thought, frowning. Instead, there was a note of pain in the low growls she heard him making when he touched himself. It was as though he was deliberately hurting himself somehow, as though the feel of his own hand on his shaft was painful. But why? Why would he do that? If it hurts, why do it at all? And why is it painful?
Lauren wished desperately that Xairn would let her take care of him. That he would trust himself enough to let her touch him and make him come. To pleasure him as he had pleasured her. But that didn’t seem like a possibility right now—or in the future either. Apparently after his display of dominance the other night, when he’d confessed his desires, he preferred to keep his distance for fear of things getting out of hand.
Is it really that hard for him to be close to me? she wondered, looking at his broad, bare back, bathed in shadows. Is he really fighting the impulse to…to take me every single minute we’re together? She wouldn’t let herself think the word “rape.” And she wished desperately that she had never said it to Xairn, either. It had only made him feel worse about what he wanted. A dark corner of her mind, one she kept hidden even from herself whispered, would it be so bad if he just gave in and did it?
Lauren tried to push the thought out of her head. The idea that she might want Xairn to dominate her was disturbing on all kinds of levels. She’d been raised to be a strong, independent woman who bowed to no man. A woman who took charge of her own life, both in and out of the bedroom, and didn’t take crap off anyone, male or female.
So then why had she felt the urge to kneel before him and call him “Master” that night when he touched her? Xairn had begged her to get up at once, but she’d seen the heat in his eyes when she did it. And hadn’t it touched off a spark inside her as well? Yes, she admitted to herself, for some reason it had.
But what really bothered her was what had happened later. After Xairn had come back from taking care of himself and she’d confronted him about it…He pinned me to the bed, Lauren thought with a shiver that was half fear/half desire. He was so big and hot and hard on top of me. I could feel him—feel his cock pressing against me, wanting to enter me. Wanting to fuck me.
And hadn’t she, just for a moment, wanted it too? Hadn’t the feel of his big body holding her down, making her helpless, turned her on?
It shouldn’t though, Lauren argued with herself. That kind of thing never turned me on before. And it wasn’t like she hadn’t had experience with bondage and dominance play—she had. She’d had a boyfriend in college who was into BDSM. Or who wanted to be into it, anyway. Lauren had been willing to play along but the idea of bowing down to some man and calling him “Master” had never done anything for her. Even worse, when her boyfriend had tried to “discipline” her by putting her over his knee for a spanking, Lauren had burst out laughing. The whole situation had seemed so ridiculous, so utterly fabricated and unreal.
But there was something undeniably real about it when it came to Xairn. The feeling that dominance wasn’t just something he wanted to do—it was actually part of his psychological make-up. Looking at him that night, with his huge, muscular frame and those gorgeous, forbidding eyes, Lauren had known it was something he had been born and bred for. Even if Xairn didn’t want to acknowledge it himself.
If I could only get him to act on those desires, those impulses…no, what am I thinking? She sighed. That would be much too dangerous. Xairn’s afraid of what he might do if he let himself go. Wouldn’t it be smart for me to fear it too?
But despite the promise of danger—or maybe because of it—she couldn’t stop wanting to experience more of his dominant side. Couldn’t help wishing to be pinne
d to the bed, helpless under his big body just once more…
Lauren sighed. God, I’m a mess! Talk about sexual frustration…I should probably just give in and take care of myself too. But no matter how tense she got, she didn’t want to do that. It felt like surrender, somehow. Like an acknowledgement that Xairn was never going to touch her again and Lauren didn’t want to admit that, no matter how likely it seemed.
I’ll just give him a little more time. Try not to crowd him and maybe he’ll come to me…
The strident beeping of the alarm cut off her thoughts. Lauren sat up in bed and ran her fingers through her hair with a sigh. She’d been moping around her condo, trying to get things right with Xairn for long enough. Today she was going to put her relationship on hold and get back to work.
“Is everything all right?” Xairn sat up in bed, instantly alert and looking for threats though she would have sworn he was dead asleep just moments before.
“Fine, I’m fine,” she soothed him, putting a hand on his arm. She tried not to feel hurt when he tensed at her touch. “I’m, uh, just getting up a little early for work. I’ve been lazy long enough—time to get back to business.”
“I’ll come with you,” he said instantly, swinging his legs out of bed.
“No.” Lauren shook her head. “I mean thanks but no thanks, Xairn. I just need…I think I need a little alone time. And working always clears my head.”
His face was grave in the dim light from the high windows. “You’re certain about that?”
“Yeah.” Lauren nodded. “I’m sure. And don’t worry—it’s perfectly safe. There are way too many security cameras on the Circle for anyone to try anything.”
“It does seem like a fairly civilized area,” he admitted grudgingly. “But I still don’t like the idea of you going out alone in the dark at this hour.”
Lauren controlled her irritation with difficulty. “I appreciate that, Xairn, but I was going out alone in the dark every morning for work for years before you and I met, okay?”
“Fair enough,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry, Lauren. I shouldn’t discount your ability to take care of yourself.”
“Thank you.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry too. You can come with me later but I just need a little me time right now, okay?”
Xairn nodded silently and Lauren was relieved. She needed to go down to the Sweet Spot and at least take inventory. Some of the things she had in the shop, like cake flour, would still be good. But all the eggs and milk and butter she used in her cupcake recipes would be way out of date. She needed to clean out the fridge and make some orders. Then, once the new inventory arrived she could start baking again. She couldn’t accomplish everything in one day but she could at least get started. And the mindless work would give her an opportunity to really think. Besides, it would be easier to get things done if she didn’t have to worry about her huge alien boyfriend wandering around Saint Armand’s Circle in his new designer wardrobe.
“I’ll be fine,” she promised, trying to smile. “Just stay here and take it easy. Why not take a dip in the pool?”
“The pool?” Xairn frowned.
“You know, that big, blue rectangular thing filled with water right beside us?” Lauren raised an eyebrow at him and nodded to the right side of the condo where the gently lapping water was visible from the kitchen window. The proximity to the pool was one thing that had drawn her to the little efficiency even though her mom would have happily put her in a much larger space. The pool was clear and cool and well maintained since people used it year round. It almost never got too cold to swim in Sarasota—even in the winter months.
“I thought it was a holding tank for drinking water.” Xairn shuddered visibly, and a strange look passed over his face. Terror? Horror? Lauren didn’t catch it completely but whatever it was, it wasn’t good. “You mean you willingly submerge yourself in it?”
“Of course, why not?” Lauren shrugged as she pulled on her clothes. “What— you don’t like to swim?”
He shut his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, as though trying to calm some inner turmoil. “I do not swim, no.”
“Well, I don’t either, really,” Lauren admitted, still wondering about his strange reaction. “I mean, I guess I should, being raised in California and all. But I’d never make much of a surfer girl since I can’t swim a lick.” She smiled. “I do like to get out on one of the blow-up rafts and just lay there and relax sometimes. It’s nice with the sun on your skin and the cool water lapping your toes.”
He frowned. “You risk your life in the water and you don’t even know how to swim?”
“Oh please, it’s not that much of a risk,” Lauren protested. “It’s barely eight feet at the deep end and the pool isn’t that big. I’m sure I could get to the side if I had to.”
“The last I looked you are not eight standard Earth feet tall,” Xairn pointed out. “You should refrain from going into this ‘pool’ until you learn how to swim or grow three more feet.”
Lauren laughed as she powdered her face and put on some lip gloss. “Well neither one of those things is going to happen anytime soon. I have too much to do to take swimming lessons and I wouldn’t add three feet to my height even if I could. That would make me taller than you and that’s saying something since you’re over six foot six and broad as a barn door.”
Xairn didn’t join in her amusement. “I would not go into that water for any reason,” he said frowning. “And you shouldn’t either.”
Lauren sighed. “Fine, I don’t have time to go swimming—or floating—today anyway. I need to get things cleaned up and back in working order at the shop.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” There was a wistful note in Xairn’s tone that made her feel bad but Lauren shook her head firmly. “I wouldn’t mind if I was just baking but I work better alone when I’m cleaning. And I need to be able to think without any distractions. I have a lot to get done if I’m going to be up and running again in time for the weekend crowd.”
He nodded. “Very well. I will stay and try to absorb some of your culture through this medium.” He nodded at the battered old flatscreen viewer on the wall across from the couch.
Lauren smiled. “You do that. Just don’t absorb too much. Some of those soaps will rot your brain.” Then seeing his horrified look she added, “Not really. I just meant that daytime television programming is pretty vacuous. Unless you watch the History channel or something like that you probably won’t find anything on with any substance.”
“I’ll try to learn some of your history, then,” he said, settling himself on the couch. “But I don’t like letting you work while I do nothing.”
“I’ll be fine. Working clears my head.” Lauren smiled and gave him a light peck on the cheek before she left.
* * * * *
Xairn watched her go with a sigh of guilty relief. He loved her to distraction but lately the tension between them made him feel like he was going to explode every time she came near. He was sure Lauren sensed it too—he could see it in the way she looked so hurt every time he flinched from her touch, every time he didn’t return one of her loving caresses.
But I can’t, damn it, he thought, curling his hands into fists in frustration. Can’t risk hurting her. Better she should think me cold and unloving than that I should injure her with my unchecked lust.
It was true but it didn’t make him feel any better. If anything, he felt worse. He’d been hoping that the human DNA grafted onto his own would help him control himself. Or else that he would gradually get used to Lauren’s casual touches—but that wasn’t happening. It seemed like every day he had to take himself in hand more and more often but with each painful, self-given orgasm, his desire for Lauren only seemed to increase and become more and more unmanageable.
Xairn wished there was something he could do to work off the tension that was threatening to drown him but this world was woefully short on stress relief—at least his kind of relief. Back
aboard the Fathership he could have thrown himself into his work or sparred with one of the vat grown soldiers which outnumbered the true Scourge now by more than a thousand to one. But here there was no work he could do and no one to fight. There was nothing, in fact, but that damn pool of water which Lauren had pointed out before she left.
Standing, Xairn went to look out the kitchen window at the blue water lapping the rectangular edges of the pool. Gods, he didn’t want to remember but the memories came rushing back anyway…
“Sssink or ssswim, my ssson. Only the ssstrong sssurvive.” The AllFather laughed his high, evil cackle as he watched Xairn flail in the deep rectangular tank filled with black slime.
“Please! Please, Father!”
He was only a child of seven or eight and he had yet to get the size and strength he would attain as a mature male. He had never been immersed in the thick, black liquid of the drowning tanks before, though he had watched in horror as the urlich were thrown in one by one during their training.
The modified canines the Scourge used as scouts were forced to swim in the drowning tanks for hours upon hours to prove their stamina and courage. The weaker ones died and sank to the bottom of the black ichor. Their rotting bodies added to the nauseating stench of the tanks and served as a warning for others.
But not for me, Xairn thought wildly. I am no urlich—I am his only son. Why? Why is he doing this?
It was a question he asked himself daily aboard the Fathership as his father perpetuated cruelty upon cruelty on the son he claimed to love. The worst thing was Xairn never knew when the punishment was coming. Most of the time his father ignored him completely but sometimes he would be kind and almost loving for days. He would take Xairn around the ship and talk to him about its inner workings, teach him the history of their people and explain their hatred of the race-killing Kindred who had doomed them to slow extinction after the abortive genetic exchange.