The next morning, I dressed and walked down the carpeted hallway, each step taking me closer to the kitchen I was growing to despise. Edgar was already sitting in his chair at the head of the table drinking a cup of instant coffee and reading the morning paper.
He looked up when I entered the room. “Morning, Grace. I hear you’re thinking about leaving us.”
I shook my head. “I’m not so sure anymore.” The words came out slow and heavy.
He gave a short nod. “That’s my girl. I knew you’d make the sensible choice. I don’t know what Edith would do without you.”
The few lingering doubts I’d had about calling off our engagement were squashed right then and there. Edgar Malley, the owner of a wildly successful business had all but told me leaving Leo was the right thing to do.
The sensible thing.
I turned away from him with tears in my eyes and slipped off the ring I’d so proudly accepted the day before. The instant it left my finger, an emptiness overtook my senses, but I was so frozen by fear, so afraid to take the chance that might lead to happiness, I let it slip from my fingers and into the pocket of my dress.
Edith stuck around the house all day, watching me when she didn’t think I was looking. I was on the sun deck drinking iced tea when Leo came. When I heard a man’s voice, I assumed it was the lawn boy or one of the other workers the Malleys were hiring as the shipping business grew. But then he said my name, and I instantly recognized Leo’s voice. It was the way he pronounced it, as if he were gently rolling it back and forth in one of his poet’s hands. Graaaace.
I smoothed my hair and stepped into the house.
“She doesn’t want to see you,” I heard Edith say.
“Leo?” I wasn’t sure what to make of Edith’s behavior. “Of course I’ll see you. Please come in.”
His presence filled the room. He ducked to clear the doorway and slouched in his comfortable way in practiced anticipation of more doorways. “Grace?” he asked once he crossed the room. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
I could see the alarm in his eyes, the fear of things falling apart, of a plan gone wrong. I slid my eyes from his, afraid they would pull me into his magical world and make me lose my sense of purpose.
“Leo, I…” Edith stood there, arms locked, urging me to break his heart before he could break mine. “Why don’t we go outside to the deck to talk?”
He followed me outside and when I turned to tell him I couldn’t live my life with him, you burst through the doors. Your face was full of a new day, and as far as you knew, nothing had changed since our glorious time on the beach the day before. You headed straight toward Leo and latched onto his jean covered leg.
“Why do we have to wait a whole year? Can’t we go to West Prendies with you?”
“That’s West Indies,” he said, smiling at you and rumpling your hair. “It will be difficult for me to wait, too.”
“Joshua,” I cut in sharply. “Go inside and have your lunch. We’ll talk about this later.”
“But mom…”
I gave you a look that meant I was serious so you sulked away, not realizing I was about to put an end to our dreams.
“You’re scaring me,” Leo said as he took my hands in his. He rubbed his thumb over my ring finger where his ring had circled the night before. “Grace?” he said when his thumb rubbed over my bare skin.
By now, the hot tears were streaking down my face and I wanted to get it over with as quickly as I could and go inside to the familiar kitchen I had grown to detest so much. “Please don’t make this any more difficult than it already is.”
I felt him fall a little, the impact of the statement hitting him in the knees. He straightened and tried to make eye contact, but my eyes were already on the future, one without him and the uncertain risk of loss.
“I don’t understand.”
I shook my head and took a step toward the door. “I can’t marry you, Leo. Things have changed.”
“Changed?”
I nodded and looked at his face, into his eyes. “You left her,” I began. “Why did you leave her?”
He looked confused, but then a look of recognition spread across his face. “You’re talking about my broken engagement?”
“Yes.”
He reached up, wiped the tears from my face and inhaled deeply as if he were trying to gather the words that would explain this monumentally unforgivable deed. “I told you about this on the beach. I…” He shook his head in frustration. “I had to break it off, Grace. But please believe me when I tell you it was for a very good reason.”
I turned away, unable to look into his eyes anymore. I wanted to be with him so much, but I was too afraid. And his refusal to speak of the matter only deepened that fear. “Why? I need to understand, Leo.”
He bowed his head and shook it. “I can’t. It wouldn’t be right.” Then he looked up suddenly. “I think you should speak to her. Ask her yourself.”
Didn’t he understand how important it was to me, how much I needed him to prove to me that I could trust him? “I don’t understand. Why can’t you tell me now?”
“Please,” he said, pulling me closer. “I need you to trust me on this.”
I was holding back my sobs of confusion and didn’t want to break down completely in front of him. His fresh scent closed in around me and created a longing that shouldn’t be. Couldn’t be.
He pulled me in even tighter.
I stepped back and reached into my pocket. I pulled out the ring and closed his hand around it. “I’ll think about it,” I said, swallowing my disappointed tears. “But in the meantime, you should hold onto this.”
Leo’s face slumped sideways, and he swallowed noisily. He eyes became glassy, but the tears stayed in the rims, afraid to flow over, afraid to move. “Is this really what you want?” His voice was low and hoarse.
I nodded, unable to speak.
“Grace, I leave for the West Indies in four days.”
“I know,” I said, not lifting my head.
He stood there for another desperate moment and then slowly began moving toward the door, brushing against me. My hope and happiness clung tightly to his sleeve. We walked through the patio door and toward the front door, where he stopped and turned to face me, unembarrassed by his red, wet eyes and shaking shoulders. “I love you, Grace McKeon. Please talk to her. For us.” He took a piece of paper and pen from his pocket and wrote down what I presumed to be her name and phone number.
And then he left.
When he was gone, I collapsed, just crumpled right there on the floor. Could a man so open and full of love ever have left me? The word mistake formed in the patterns on the floor and I began to doubt myself and everything that had just transpired. It didn’t feel right. Couldn’t be.
I love you Grace, McKeon.
The words had flown out of his mouth so true and innocent hitting me in my gut and forcing me to listen.
I love you.
Would a man in love really ever leave? I pushed myself up from the floor and stumbled to the door. I heard the sound of his car door slam shut and I imagined him sitting at the wheel, trying to find the keyhole with his tear filled eyes. I moved faster toward the sound of the gunning engine.
Leo. What have I done? I felt for the ring that wasn’t there and longed to slip the warm, sturdy gold back onto my empty, cold finger.
Leo.
“Ann.” The voice stopped me cold. I looked to Edith for explanation as the gravity in the suffocating house pulled me down, planting my feet firmly in the gold shag carpet.
“What?” I asked, spinning with confusion. I was torn between the sound of the retreating engine and that one mysterious word.
“Ann,” Edith repeated. “That’s her name. The one he left.”
I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I must end this letter here. The drudging up of memories so painful has worn me out, and I’m afraid I’ll have to continue our story next time. But please take the things I’ve told you to heart. I can only imagine
the pain you must have experienced when I disappeared from your life and I fear unforgiveness and anger have crept into your soul. What I learned, and hope to pass on to you, is that the memory of pain, no matter how brutal, should never prevent you from taking risks. If it does, you won’t fully live the life God has planned for you.
By the time I learned this, it was too late for me. I pray that somehow my words will sink deep into your soul and prevent you from duplicating my errors.
Think about these things, Joshua, and as soon as I regain some strength, I’ll send you another letter and tell you more of our story.
I love you,
Mama