She enjoyed a steady stream of customers, many effusive in their praise of her goodies. She should be on top of the freaking world but it was all she could do to keep her head up for the duration of the day.
The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that Cam didn’t show up. She was half-afraid he would after she refused to answer his calls or texts the night before.
After locking up, she went home and took a long nap. Or at least she tried. She lay down and went through the motions of napping, but her mind wouldn’t shut down and all she could do was replay Cam’s smile and his joy from the night before.
She was wrung out, disillusioned, and she knew it was time for her to make a decision. She could no longer afford to hang around hoping that one day Cam woke up, pulled his head out of his ass and realized his life wasn’t over.
She pushed herself from the bed, made a halfhearted attempt to straighten her appearance and then trudged to her kitchen to get a drink and try to shake the cobwebs from her brain.
First she’d go visit Ashley and make up for the fact that she’d bailed on her the day before. Her friends came first.
Not bothering with a coat—it was her hope that the chilly evening air would give her a much-needed wake up—she left her apartment and walked to the end of the block to hail a cab. She just didn’t have it in her to walk the extra few blocks to the subway.
When she got to the hospital, visitor hours were almost over but she headed up to the maternity ward, anyway. The worst they could do was kick her out.
She knocked quietly on Ashley’s door, hoping her friend wasn’t asleep. A moment later, the door opened and Devon appeared.
“Come on in,” Devon said with apparent relief. His gaze sharpened as he took in Pippa’s appearance, and without a further word, he simply pulled her into his arms and gave her a huge hug.
She hadn’t known just how badly she needed that until his arms surrounded her. She bit into her lip to keep from bursting into tears on the spot. She was here to see Ashley and the baby, not blubber all over her and her husband.
“Thank you,” Pippa whispered against Devon’s chest. “How is Ash?”
“Go see for yourself,” he said as he pulled away. “She’s holding Katelynn now.”
Pippa hurried past the private bathroom and approached the bed. She stopped and stared at the beautiful sight of Ashley with her daughter cradled in her arms.
Ashley smiled broadly. “Hey, Pip. Come on over and see her. She’s so beautiful.”
“You’re breast-feeding her?” Pippa whispered as she went to Ashley’s bedside and stared down at the tiny infant. “Is it hard?”
Ashley smiled. “A little at first but the nurses here are so great. They helped a lot and then Katelynn did the rest. She’s a real champ at it now.”
Devon pushed a chair to the side of the bed and motioned for Pippa to sit.
“So Dev said Cam was a real butthead last night,” Ashley said in a low voice.
Pippa sighed. “Let’s not talk about him, Ash. This is your time to be happy and enjoy your beautiful baby without listening to your friend complain.”
Ashley gently broke suction and pulled her gown back to cover her breast. Then she looked toward Devon. “Want to see if she’ll burp for you?”
Devon reached over Pippa to take the bundle and went to sit in the recliner by the window.
“Now,” Ashley said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Spill. You look terrible, Pip. You’re clearly unhappy.”
The knot grew larger in Pippa’s throat and her eyes clouded with tears once again.
“I’m miserable, but it’s my own fault. I totally set myself up for this. I walked into this knowing the score. I’m just frustrated and heartsick. I’m going to confront him, Ash. It’s stupid but it’s something I have to do.”
Ashley reached over to take her hand and squeeze. “What are you going to say to him?”
Pippa emitted a harsh laugh that grated on her own ears. “I’m going to tell him I love him.”
Ashley blew out her breath. “You’re so much braver than I am. You always were.”
“Yeah, but you’re smarter, so we’re even,” Pippa muttered.
“Not true. Okay, so after you tell him you love him, what then?”
Pippa sighed. “Then nothing. He’ll do what he always does and I’ll walk away but this time it’ll be for good. I just feel like I have to give him this last chance. Or maybe it’s just me and I want one last chance. Either way, I need it to be final. I can’t continue this hot-and-cold thing we have going. My eyes were opened last night. I realized that he’s happy around other people. Just not me. And that hurt.”
“Oh, Pip,” Ashley said, her whole face a mask of sympathy. “I wish…”
“I do, too,” Pippa said. “But wishes aren’t real. Wishing is for fairy tales. Cam is no Prince Charming and I’m no princess living happily ever after.”
Ashley seemed to be on the verge of tears and the very last thing Pippa wanted was to further upset her friend. Not when she should be on top of the world. So she forced cheer into her voice and a smile onto her lips as she rose to hug Ashley.
“I’m going to steal that baby from Devon for a minute and then I’m going to get out of here and let you rest.”
She turned toward Devon, who slowly lifted his daughter away from his shoulder and placed her in Pippa’s arms.
She held the baby close, studying every inch of her softness. She touched the tuft of hair on top of Katelynn’s head, feeling the silky, delicate strands. Someone had affixed a tiny little bow just in front of her soft spot. Pink and girlie. So much like Ashley.
She ran her finger over the tiny fingertips and watched in fascination as they curled around Pippa’s own finger and made a tight fist.
She was instantly and completely won over, heart and soul. She was absolutely in love with this little girl. Who wouldn’t be? But then it had been the same when she’d seen her son on the sonogram monitor for the first time. Instant love. Unconditional. A bond that couldn’t be broken.
It hadn’t been the same for Cam. He hadn’t been able to leave fast enough.
She briefly closed her eyes and then lowered her head so she could brush her lips across Katelynn’s forehead. She inhaled the sweet baby scent and then brought the baby back over to where Ashley lay.
“She’s absolutely perfect, Ash. You did good.”
Ashley beamed and held out her arms to collect her daughter. Then she looked back up at Pippa.
“It’s going to be okay, Pippa.”
Pippa nodded because there was nothing else to do. She turned to offer Devon a wave. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Call me if you need anything,” Devon said.
Pippa nodded and then walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her. She checked her watch and stood there a long moment, simply leaning against the wall in the hallway.
There was no way she would sleep tonight. Not until she settled things with Cam. She had to get this over with before it ate her alive.
It would be a long trip on an already late night, and it meant dragging Cam out of his bed, but at the moment she didn’t care. One way or another, it would be settled tonight.
Nineteen
Convincing a cab driver to take her all the way to Greenwich had been next to impossible, and it was going to cost her a fortune to boot. The ride seemed interminable and traffic was heavy even at the late hour. By the time she reached Cam’s gate, it was past midnight. He might not even be there for all she knew, but she suspected he was. He’d retreated to Greenwich with increasing frequency lately.
They waited at the gate while the driver spoke through the intercom. It wasn’t Cam who answered. She was pretty certain it was John. A moment later, the gate swung open and the cab pulled up the driveway. He parked in front and she paid him and got out after telling him not to wait.
John opened the front door and came out to greet her, worry on his face.
/> “Is Cam home?” she asked quietly.
“He is. He retired an hour ago,” John replied as he ushered her inside.
“I need to see him. I’ll wait in his office.”
She didn’t give John a chance to argue. She simply turned and walked across the living room to the office. She didn’t bother turning on the lights. There was something soothing about the darkness.
She stopped by the window, staring out into the night, at the bright, star-filled sky. Fairy dust. A million wishes. She only needed one. Just one.
The door opened behind her. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and then turned to see Cam standing there in the dark.
“Pippa?”
There was concern and bewilderment in his voice. He took another step forward and then reached down to turn on a lamp that rested on the table by one of the armchairs.
She flinched at the sudden burst of light and turned away, not wanting him to see what she was sure was obvious on her face. But how could she hide it? How could she hide how devastated she was?
“What’s wrong, Pippa? What are you doing all the way out here at this time of night?”
She swallowed, squared her shoulders and then took a deep breath. She turned to face him fully, uncaring of what he’d see.
“Are we done, Cam?” she asked bluntly.
He blinked in surprise. He opened his mouth and then snapped it shut again and frowned. “I’m not sure what to say here.”
She took a step forward. “Let me make this easy for you, Cam. I love you.”
He went pale and flinched. His reaction spoke volumes. It told her everything she needed to know but some demon inside her persisted. She’d gone this far and she’d see it to the bitter end even if it humiliated her in the process.
“I need to know where I stand,” she said in an even voice. “One minute you seem to want me and we act like—we are—lovers. The next you can’t get away from me fast enough and you’re cold, like I’m some random stranger.”
Cam’s lips tightened. “I was honest with you from the onset.”
She nodded. “Yes, you were. No doubt about that. But you’re sending mixed signals. Your actions contradict your words. I need to know if I have a chance here, Cam.”
He started to turn away and it infuriated her.
“Don’t turn your back on me,” she bit out. “At least give me that. Face me and tell me why you can’t give me commitment, why you can’t love me. I understand you lost people you loved. I get it. But it’s time to move on. You have a child, a son, who needs you. I need you,” she finished in an aching voice.
Cam whirled back around, his eyes flashing furiously. “Move on? You get it? How the hell do you get it, Pippa? You think that by spouting some clichéd armchair psychology crap at me that I’m supposed to say, oh, you’re right, and then live happily ever after?”
“What I think is that it’s ridiculous to believe you can’t love anyone else.”
He closed his eyes and his jaw tightened. When he reopened them, he stared directly at her, his tone even. “It’s not that I can’t love again. I’m not one of these people who believes you only get one shot, that there’s only one soul mate out there and if you screw that up you’re out of luck for the rest of your life.”
Her mouth fell open because, of all things, this was not what she’d expected to hear. “Then why?” she whispered. “Why can’t you love me and our baby?”
He slapped his hands down on his desk and glared at her with eyes so dark and haunted that she flinched.
“It’s not that I can’t love you, Pippa. I don’t want to. Do you understand? I don’t want to love you.”
She recoiled, so stunned that she couldn’t even respond. She wrapped her arms around her belly and stood back, hurt spreading to every corner of her soul.
His words when they came were angry and frustrated, as though he hated having to explain himself, as if he hated admitting what he’d just blurted out.
“If I don’t love you, then it won’t hurt me if something happens to you. If I don’t love you, then nothing you do will touch me. I don’t ever want to feel the way I did when I watched Elise and Colton die in front of me. You can’t possibly understand that. I hope you never have to.”
Her arms crept tighter around herself, as if to ward off the unbearable pain of his rejection.
“You would shut out me and your own child because you’re too afraid to take that risk?” she asked hoarsely. “What kind of an unfeeling monster are you?”
He jabbed a finger in her direction. “You’ve got that right. Unfeeling. It’s exactly the way I want to be. I don’t want to feel a damn thing.”
Anger hummed through her veins, replacing the ice that had rapidly formed. “You bastard. You callous, manipulative bastard. What the hell have you been doing for the past months? If you were so determined not to have a relationship, then why did you continue to make love to me?”
His gaze dropped and guilt shadowed his face.
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you? Am I supposed to be all sympathetic and pet your poor damaged heart just because something horrible happened to you in the past? I’ve got news for you, Cam. Life sucks. It isn’t perfect for anyone and you aren’t special. Bad things happen to people all the time but they don’t become heartless jerks and piss on everyone around them. They get up, dust themselves off and keep on living. Maybe you never got that memo.”
“That’s enough,” he said tightly.
“Oh, hell, no, it isn’t. I’m just getting warmed up and you’re going to listen to everything I have to say. You owe me that much. One day you’ll regret this. You’ll regret that you turned your back on me and our baby. You’ll find someone you want to marry and you’ll think about the fact that you have a son out there who never had a father because you were a coward.”
“Somehow I don’t think my future wife would care for the fact that my mistress and our love child were in such close proximity,” he snapped.
The blood left her face and she took another step back as if he’d physically hit her. His face went gray and he started toward her as if he knew he’d gone too far.
She held up her hand to halt him. She was barely holding on to her composure and only her pride was keeping her upright at this point. This was pointless. They were two snapping dogs trying to hurt each other with quick, angry words. It solved nothing. It never would.
“We’re done,” she said in a cold voice. “I want nothing from you, Cam. Not your support. Not your money. Definitely not your presence. I don’t want you anywhere near me or my child. My child. Not yours. You don’t want us and quite frankly we don’t need you.”
“Pippa…”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to hear it. But know this, Cam. One day you’re going to wake up and realize you’ve made a horrible, horrible mistake. I won’t be there.” She cupped her hands over her belly. “We won’t be there. I deserve more. I deserve a man who’ll give me everything and not just throw money or convenience at me. More than that, my child deserves more. He deserves a father who’ll love him unconditionally. Who’ll go to the wall for him every damn day. Not a father incapable of loving anyone but himself.”
She turned to walk out but paused at the door. She faced him one last time, ignoring the utter bleakness in his eyes.
“I loved you, Cam. I never asked you for anything. That’s true. And yes, you were up front from the beginning, so shame on me for changing the rules. I have equal responsibility for this debacle, but just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean that I’m going to punish myself for the rest of my life and I’m damn sure not going to make my child suffer for my stupidity. I’d tell you to have a nice life, but somehow I don’t think that’s going to be possible because you’re far too content to wallow in your misery.”
She yanked open the door and walked out, slamming it behind her. It wasn’t until she got outside the front entrance that she remembered she hadn’t asked the cabbie to wait and
now she was stranded at this damn monstrosity of a house.
“Miss Laingley, will you allow me to drive you home?”
She turned to see John standing there, his eyes soft with sympathy. It was the last straw. She burst into tears and then allowed him to guide her toward the waiting car.
Twenty
Cam sank into the chair behind his desk and buried his face in his hands.
He’d followed Pippa out the door and seen that John was giving her a ride home. He’d watched as the car drove down the lane, the lights disappearing in the distance.
For how long he stood there, numb, he didn’t know. He realized the door was still open and the wind had picked up. A chill had stolen over him but he knew it wasn’t the temperature. He was cold on the inside. Dead. Still breathing and yet dead. He had been for a long time.
Now, sitting at his desk, his gut clenched. His chest ached. It shouldn’t. He should be relieved. It was done. There was no possible way for Pippa to misunderstand.
Clean break. He’d done exactly what he should have done from the very beginning.
So why didn’t he feel vindicated? Relieved, even? He should be glad. He could go back to his unemotional existence where he didn’t have to feel pain.
Only none of that was true. He hurt now. He hurt so damn much that he couldn’t breathe around the knot in his throat.
He’d lost Pippa.
The very thing he’d tried to protect himself from was the pain of loss. The despair and frustration of not being able to keep a loved one safe was his reality. Right here, right now.
He’d lost Pippa. He’d lost his son.
His son.
An innocent, precious life.
A child who deserved to have the world at his feet. Two parents who loved him. A father who’d protect him from all the hurts and disappointments life had to offer.
Oh, God, he was a bastard. He was such an unfeeling monster, just what Pippa had accused him of being. Only he wasn’t unfeeling. Right now he’d give anything not to be able to feel this agony.
Seeing Pippa tonight and the evidence of just how low he’d brought her down made him want to die. She’d stood before him, pain in her eyes, and yet she’d still put herself out there. She’d taken a chance. Laid it all out.
And he’d slapped her down because he was afraid.
It was humbling to realize just what a coward he was. What a coward he had been for so long.
He’d been given something many people never got. Something others wished for, would kill for, would live every single day of their life in gratitude for.
A second chance.
Another chance at something so special and wonderful.
Pippa was a breath of fresh air into a life he’d quit living. He went through the motions. He performed. But he’d stopped truly living a long time ago.
Pippa had changed all that. From the moment he’d first seen her walk into a room, she’d been like a bolt of lightning to his senses.
Her smile, her laughter, her take-no-prisoners attitude. Her confidence. Her inner beauty. And her courage.
When he really stopped to consider just how much she’d had to shoulder alone these past few months it made him physically ill. She was young, had plans. She could have anyone and yet she’d chosen him. He’d made her pregnant and yet she soldiered on, making the best of a difficult situation.
She’d fought fiercely, was still fighting fiercely for his son. He was so damn proud of her and so damn ashamed of himself that he couldn’t bear to think about it.
He didn’t deserve her. She was right about that.
But he wanted her. Oh, God, he wanted her.
It was laughable that he’d actually thought that he could spare himself the pain of loss by shutting himself off and away, by closing the door on a relationship with Pippa.
He’d been so worried about losing her that the very thing he feared the most had happened. At his instigation!
Stupid didn’t even begin to cover it.
He pushed upward from his chair, suddenly agitated and more determined than