**
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Lydia wailed, tears rolling down her face.
“Holy crap,” I muttered, one hand to my mouth. “I didn't think they were allowed to do that in a PG-13 rated movie. Did they really just kill that baby...?”
“S-she spent so long trying to have a child, only for it to be taken from her mere moments after it was born!” Lydia sobbed. “That poor woman...!”
“I'm a bit more concerned with the fact it died when a plane crashed into the damn hospital,” I muttered, still trying to piece together what I had actually seen. “I thought you said this was a romance movie, but so far we've seen two murders, a natural disaster, the male lead apparently has cancer, and then out of nowhere a plane smashes into the maternity ward! I've seen slasher films that weren't this fucking grim.”
“It is a romance! Their love has to overcome s-such adversityyyyyy!” Lydia moaned, still racked with helpless sobs
“Lydia, there's adversity and then there's just the cold whims of an uncaring, amoral universe,” I said. “Jesus, if a client had described this series of events to me, I would assume they were being tormented by an actual demon. And I haven't seen one damn autumn leaf and we're at the two-hour mark. What the Hell am I watching?”
“Would you two shut up? You're being incredibly distracting.” the woman two seats in front of me hissed. There was a man next to her, who I assumed was the dragged-along boyfriend, but he looked honestly too shell-shocked to back her up. I didn't blame him, seeing as he had likely been expecting a cheesy romp starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, and had ended up seeing a movie with all the optimistic cheer of a torture-porn.
“Sorry, miss, my lady here is just a bit sensitive when it comes to lost love, that's all... you understand,” I said, trying my very best to be diplomatic. There were not many people in the theater, but they were my fellows in the long and grim battle against That Leaf Movie. If we let it turn us against each other, then it had truly won.
“She's not a 'bit sensitive', she's wailing like a hyena! I paid good money to see this, and she is ruining the drama!”
“Oh God, the nurse died trying to drag the woman out of the fire...” the woman's boyfriend muttered.
“What?” Lydia squeaked. “No! Not Sarah too! She was the only friend Theresa had left ever since Jake and Stephanie were in that car crash! Waaaaaaaah!”
“See?! See?! One of the most important moments in the film and I missed it! You get that girl to quiet down, or...”
Wordlessly, I opened my coat to reveal my knife. I always carry at least two, and at least one handgun. Just habit at this point, never know when you're gonna need to stab and/or shoot someone.
Showing off a weapon in a public theater was a harsh, risky action, I admit it. But That Leaf Movie was a deadly, relentless goddamn foe, and I could not tolerate dissent in the ranks if we were to have any hope of enduring its onslaught. Sometimes, when your fellow soldiers will not enter the fray willingly, you need to remind them that desertion is a capital offense.
She stopped asking us to be quiet.
That problem solved, I turned to Lydia. “So, like, did you know that this was going to be the most depressing thing I've ever heard of? Oh, and curse, top left corner of the theater, clinging to the ceiling, looks like some kind of giant shadow-lizard.”
Lydia sniffed delicately, and said, “I had no idea it would be such a poignant film, no. I... I had expected it to be a more traditional romance from the descriptions. None of the reviews mentioned it would... would strike so deep into my heart...!” she said, once again dissolving into helpless sobs. Oh, and she also pointed vaguely in the direction I had indicated. There was a flash of blue light, and a strangled shriek as the curse-monster was vaporized.
“Goddamn viral marketing! We're trying to watch a movie here!” someone in the audience shouted indignantly.
“A-and I still cannot believe that moronic explanation actually worked,” she said between sobs.
“People are not hard to fool, when you get down to it,” I said reassuringly. “And... well, we don't know this won't end happily. I mean sure, the main guy...”
“Thomas.”
“Sure, Thomas has lung cancer. And sure the main girl...”
“Theresa.”
“Whatever! Sure all her friends are dead and her baby just died and it seems kind of like God has something against her, personally. But at least she still has her love for Tho- oh, never mind, he is refusing chemo...”
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Lydia sobbed. I admit, I felt like crying too, somewhat, though I think not for the same reasons. In my case, it had a bit more to do with this apparently being a re-telling of the Book of Job disguised as a Summer romance movie about Autumn.
Well, no, that was unfair.
The Book of Job had a happy ending, and unless I was much less genre-savvy than I like to think I am, That Leaf Movie was gonna be ending in pretty much the same disaster that had characterized every second of what was among the more brutal deathfests I have ever experienced. And I have a career that involves murder!
Still, in Lydia's defense, I had to admit, I was not bored.
That was, in retrospect, a bad admission to make. It didn't seem like it at the time, but in the end I'm sure that the universe regarded it as tempting fate somehow. No, I'm not really sure how; the universe is, after all, a total bitch who will accuse you of tempting fate even when fate was running around in nothing but a leather corset and just totally asking for it. But no, the universe saw this, which was in no way tempting of fate, and said to me, “Oooooooh, so you thought you were gonna be bored? Let me show you how wrong you are.”
And then the explosion happened.
The theater, quite naturally, erupted into panicked shouts; strange flashes of blue light are one thing, but this was a legit blast that shook the building. You did not pass that shit off as a marketing ploy.
“Everyone, stay calm!” I roared. “I'm sure it was just a marketing ploy!”
Sometimes, my words and my thoughts do not quite match up, I should mention. It's a weak spot in my otherwise impregnable armor of amazingness, but thankfully the only one (please ignore Lydia, who might be willing to spend several hours pointing out other weak spots).
In any event, my efforts to poorly calm the crowd were doomed from the start. Just seconds after I spoke, there was a smaller crash, and a piece of the projector went flying through the air and smashed into the screen, leaving a gaping hole in it. The screams of the audience redoubled, people talking about murderers and terrorists and running for the exits. The situation was a bit beyond using fuzzy logic to confuse it into submission.
I slipped a hand onto my sidearm, but didn't draw it; if someone had seen me carrying a loaded weapon right after what was apparently a bomb went off, I would most likely be tackled by a dozen well-meaning moviegoers before I was able to actually figure out what was going on. I hoped it wasn't actually terrorists; humans are one of the more annoying monsters to hunt. They tend to have long-range capabilities and many of their more glaring vulnerabilities are things that I, also being human, tend to be rather similarly vulnerable to. It was all just super-annoying.
I turned to Lydia. “Okay, first impressions. Did the damn curse switch targets or something?”
She opened her mouth to answer, but before she could a shadowy creature that resembled a lion with tentacles where its eyes should have been, eyes where its mouth should have been, and no mouth, materialized behind her. Despite having no mouth to say it with, it intoned, “Eric Margrave, I am judgment come for ySQUUUUARRRKZZ.”
“No, it is still quite centered on you,” Lydia informed me, blue sparks leaping from her fingers.
“Hmmmmmm. Okay, this is kind of a weird one, then. Most supernatural creatures attack because they need food, and I'm not sure how anything gets food from blowing up a movie projector,” I admitted. “It
could have been human terrorists, but if that's the case why aim for the projector? You'd think they would have targeted the crowd.”
“Eric! That is horrible.”
“What? I'm just telling it like it is! They're called 'terrorists' because they try to be terrifying,” I said defensively. “And the same logic applies to most of the supernatural sorts that would have done it for fun. Demons are interested in nothing but mass casualties, they would have dropped a firebomb onto the crowd and laughed it up. Most faeries prefer to be more subtle than this, focus on ruining one person's life at a time. I'm gonna assume you'd have told me if the theater was haunted?”
“I sense no spirits here, and indeed felt no particular dark magic other than the curse. Which, of course, entered with us,” Lydia confirmed.
“Huh. Then I'm really not sure what it could... oh. Oh, no. Oh, son of a bitch,” I swore, the dominoes clicking into place in the most annoying way possible in my mind.
“What? Do you have an idea?”
“Yes, though I wish I didn't,” I muttered. I looked around; the theater had emptied quickly and I didn't hear sirens, so I had a little time to myself with the scene and things were fairly quiet. “Okay. I need you to be very quiet. I'm gonna test something.”
I edged closer to the wall beneath the ruined projection booth, and drew my gun. Taking a deep breath, I pointed it at the ceiling, took careful aim, and fired two shots. One of them hit; I knew this because the light fixture I had been aiming at exploded in a shower of sparks and glass shards.
I closed my eyes and listened, focusing all my efforts on hearing. You'd be surprised what you can pick up if you really try and you know exactly what to listen for...
“Hehehehehehehehehehehe.”
Picture the most annoying chuckle you've ever heard. We all have that one douche-bag friend who nobody in our circle of acquaintances actually seems to like, who mocks our mistakes and belittles our successes with their horrible laugh. Now picture his or her obnoxious chuckle, a sound of pure malevolence and mockery of the unhappiness of others, and bring it into the forefront of your mind.
Now speed it up by at least double, and picture it coming from someone who had just inhaled too much helium, and you'll have a rough idea of what I had just just barely heard somewhere on the very outermost edges of my consciousness. I winced.
“Fuck. I was afraid of that,” I said, not even bothering to hide the irritation in my voice. “It's a fucking gremlin.”
“A... gremlin?”
“They're a kind of sprite or imp or something... not a fairy, since they have no problem with iron, but similar in some ways. Honestly, nobody is completely sure what they are. They seem to be basically unique,” I said. “They're small, fast, extremely good at hiding. Not powerful, but clever and quick.”
“And they... destroy movie projectors?” Lydia asked doubtfully.
“They destroy anything. Cars, planes, computers, phone lines, anything they can sabotage, they will fucking do it.”
“Oh. Erm, why?”
“Nobody knows. They either can't speak human language or won't. Some people theorize they feed on the panic their sabotage causes. Some think they're like, manifestations of magic trying to stop the encroachment of technology. Personally, I think they're just little pricks. It's the giggle. Nothing that giggles like that can be anything other than an absolute, pointlessly malicious little fucker.”
Lydia frowned. “And... will this gremlin hurt anyone further?”
“Oh, yes. Wrecking stuff is the only thing they do. It's only a matter of time before it goes after a plane or a hospital or somewhere that its screwing about will end up killing people.”
“I see. Well, we clearly need to stop it, then.”
“Actually, I would normally say just the opposite. Gremlins are a pain in the ass to hunt, and we are not getting paid. We don't have long before cops start swarming this place and things stop being fun. And apparently, Connie's weird sister is still cursing me,” I said. “But this... thing... stopped us from seeing the end of the movie, and I was actually getting into that nihilistic doomfest. So we are going to hunt it down and kill it, just like the cruel whims of fate mindlessly killed everyone Theresa ever loved.”
“I feel as though you missed the message of the film, somewhat.”