Neighbors
Thomas Berger
SIMON & SCHUSTER PAPERBACKS
New York London Toronto Sydney
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
About the Author
Also by Thomas Berger
copyright
to Herman Singer
CHAPTER 1
IT would have been nice," said Earl to himself as much as to the wife who sat across the coffee table from him, "to have asked them over for a drink."
"We can certainly do that tomorrow," said Enid. "Nothing is really lost."
"But of course tomorrow won't be the day they moved in, will it?" Keese reflectively sipped his transparent wine. "I find that if something is done when it should be done, it is not forgotten. Still, I suppose it's no tragedy. We could probably get away with giving them no formal welcome whatever. It's scarcely a true obligation."
"You mean, like giving food to a starving person?"
"Exactly," said Keese. He rose and headed for the kitchen. While passing through the dining room, which was papered in a pale-gold figure, he bent slightly so that he could see, under the long valance and over the window-mounted greenhouse, into the yard next door. Despite what he believed he saw he did not break his stride. In the kitchen he looked again: it was a large white dog, in fact a wolfhound, not a naked human being on all fours.
Were Keese to accept the literal witness of his eyes, his life would have been of quite another character, perhaps catastrophic, for outlandish illusions were, if not habitual with him, then at least none too rare for that sort of thing. Perhaps a half-dozen times a year he thought he saw such phenomena as George Washington urinating against the wheel of a parked car (actually an old lady bent over a cane), a nun run amok in the middle of an intersection (policeman directing traffic), a rat of record proportions (an abandoned football), or a brazen pervert blowing him a kiss from the rear window of a bus (side of sleeping workingman's face, propped on hand).
This strange malady or gift had come upon Keese with adolescence. Never had he been duped by it. Indeed, the only inconvenience it had brought him had been by reason of the unusual skepticism it had engendered. On occasion reality did take a bizarre turn: there were persons who kept pet pythons, which escaped and were subsequently discovered sleeping peacefully at a drive-in movie three miles from home. If Keese saw such a phenomenon he assumed it was the usual illusion. He had doubted his eyes when seeing a nude fat man ascend the front steps of a public building. But this man had been real, and a rearview photo of him appeared in next morning's newspaper. (He had eluded the police, and his motive remained obscure.)
Keese admitted to himself that, very rarely, some outlandish vision of his might be to some degree or even wholly authentic; but since he had no standard of measurement he must, in self-preservation, consistently reject the evidence of his eyes. In this basic way he was at odds with the rest of humanity as to one of its incontestable truths: seeing is believing.
He now opened the refrigerator and found the bottle of wine, which lay horizontal. As he had feared, it was leaking at the cork, and a little pool had formed on the lid of the crisper below. While wrinkling his nose at this he heard a tapping at the glass of the back door. Pleased to be so distracted, he straightened himself and went in response. While on this route he expected to view the caller through the large clear pane of the door-glass, from which furthermore the curtains had been temporarily removed for laundering. But he saw no one until he reached and opened the door, and then he espied the wolfhound, some eight feet off and loping. He supposed that the animal could have done the tapping: no other candidate was, at any rate, in evidence.
He took the bottle of wine to the living room.
"They must have a dog," he said to Enid.
"That could be bad news," his wife replied, placing her stemmed glass judiciously on the coffee table. For a number of years now Keese had observed his wife only by means of what she did: that is to say, he saw the actor only through the action. She was invisible to him when motionless.
"Well, let's hope not," said he, making a wry toss of the chin and elbowing an imaginary companion.
Enid stood up. "I imagine that some dinner wouldn't be amiss."
"At this juncture," said Keese, completing the old family-phrase, the origins of which had been mislaid: some movie or play of twenty years before.
Normally a tall woman, Enid looked markedly larger than usual, but dwindled to her usual size as she left the room. Keese realized that the sofa, where he sat now, was subtly lower than the chair he generally used at this time of day. Not only did he see reality from a somewhat less favorable situation, but the thickness of his middle body knew an unpleasant pressure from his belt buckle. Being alone in the room, he had no reason to suppress a tendency towards extravagance, and making a hideous expression, he positively hurled himself erect.
He was heading for his habitual chair, in which, by contrast to its thick upholstery, he felt thinner, when the doorbell, a dull gong, sounded. Keese was now sufficiently old (viz., forty-nine) to hear as ominous all summonses for which he had not been furnished with advance warning, and he was especially dubious about any that came in those few hours which constituted dinnertime for persons of his sort.
He went apprehensively to the door, opened it partially, and exposed to the caller a diagonal view of the entrance hall of his home as well as about four-fifths of himself, keeping a forearm and a calf concealed and readied for leverage if needed.
For a very brief instant, looking headwards as he was, he could not identify the person by sex, for he saw a turban and under it a face which though not that of an East Indian was colored almost olive. It wore no make-up, and while the skin was flawless the features were not so delicate as to require a feminine designation.
But then Keese saw the two remarkable cones that projected themselves from her thorax. Though beneath the glistening, hard-finished blouse of oysterish synthetic they connoted more of rocketry than mammalia, once he had identified her sex he was no longer in doubt as to his own style.
"Hello," said he, showing a pleasant face, "and what may I do for you?"
"Anything you like," said the person on his doorstep. In age she had apparently just crossed Keese's arbitrary line between girl and young woman. He had not been prepared for her literalization of his greeting, which was a piece of standard usage and not a cliche to be derided. Nevertheless, with his bias towards a creature of her sex and years, he decided that he was himself at fault and he listened smilingly to the punch line which completed her opening speech: "The problem is what you want in return."
Having made her jest, she glowered momentarily and then produced the sort of laugh which seen on silent film would suggest by its physical violence that the original had been deafening, but in point of fact very little sound was heard. Her teeth were huge.
Keese fell back a centimeter in mock horror, with an appropriate flash of palms. "Miss, I assure you my intentions are honorable." He liked nothing better than such banter.
But the young woman seemed suddenly to show anxiety. Staring fearfully at him, she said: "I'm Ramona." Her next statement was almost a question. "I moved in next door?"
Abruptly disenchanted, Keese knew an urge to reply: "How should I know? Why aren't you certain?" But of course he did not; he was never sardonic with ladies newly met. "Welcome
to the neighborhood," he said instead. "We were just talking about inviting you over for a drink—and decided against it only because we thought you'd probably be exhausted today. But come in, come in."
He did a little uncertain dance at this point, from threshold to top step and back. The problem was to hold the screen door open for her entrance and yet allow her sufficient space in which to move. Keese was no sylph. There was a further complication in that Ramona seemed oblivious to his effort: the simple thing would have been for her to catch the screen door against her outer wrist once he had thrown it open; thus he could have retreated into the hallway as she entered.
But she took no hand in her own entrance, and stretching to widen the route of ingress, he was forced to lower his elevation by one step. She raked him with her breasts as they passed: despite appearances, those cones were yielding and real, and it was quite the most exhilarating encounter with an unknown woman that Keese had had in time out of memory.
In the living room she waited as if for an invitation to sit down, but having received it she whirled without warning, went swiftly to the piano, seized the photograph there, and said: "Whoozis? Your girl?"
Keese had been drifting in spirit, but he stiffened now. The word was ambiguous, surely, and it could have been appropriate here had the subject of the portrait been younger. "If you mean 'daughter,'" said he, "then, yes, that's mine."
Ramona put both hands on her hips. She wore steel-gray slacks beneath the metallic-looking blouse. Her turban was of streaked lilac.
"No, I meant was she your chick." Again the quick glower, followed by the almost silent howl of laughter. Had it not been for the touch of her resilient breasts Keese might have found her irony repulsive. The portrait was an accurate depiction of his twenty-one-year-old daughter, who was thought even by strangers to be remarkably pretty. It was indeed unprecedented that anyone, male or female, had looked at her picture without making this observation aloud. But Ramona, perhaps empowered by envy, was sufficiently bold to remain silent. Keese's daughter had golden hair and fair skin and eyes of blue. No greater contrast could be provided than Ramona, though for that matter his "girl" bore little resemblance to his wife and none to him.
"Who plays?" Ramona asked now, having strode away from the piano, but obviously putting it in reference. She had a low-slung, long-lobed behind, though some of that effect was due to the high-waisted trousers. She wore spike-heeled sandals which exposed red-painted toes.
"I do," he lied, suddenly desperate to appear talented. Easy enough to pretend some infirmity of hand if she asked for a performance. But, as he had hoped, she did not make such a request.
"Who's 'we'?" she asked. "You and your girl?"
"My wife and I. And by the way, my name is Earl Keese." He took himself near her, should she wish to shake hands, but she made no use of the opportunity. Instead she stared so keenly below his waist that he feared his fly was open, and he turned away and looked discreetly down. The zipper was snugly closed.
Relieved, but also annoyed with himself, he took the initiative. "So you've moved in, have you? Nice house. The Walkers took awfully good care of the place, I believe."
Ramona asked harshly, with the implication of a demand: "Is your wife here now?"
"In the kitchen. I'll go get her. She certainly wants to meet you." He had already put one foot in the direction which would be appropriate to his proposal when he saw that Ramona was shaking her head.
"No," said she, "I don't want to meet her." She seized his wineglass, which he had refilled before answering the door, and drank from it.
Keese felt humiliated, and he was also indignant that she had not, since ringing the bell, given him a second's peace in which to meet the requirements of hospitality. She was rude to him in his own home, the sort of thing that was unprecedented except with one's relatives. It would now have been pointless to get her a glass of her own, which would only coarsely demonstrate that she had swiped his wine. Therefore he took for himself the empty goblet that had previously served Enid. But while he was reaching for the bottle Ramona drained in one prolonged swallow the contents of her glass, and as he was about to serve himself nonetheless, she forcefully extended her hollow vessel.
He filled it.
"I hope we can be friends," said Ramona when she had received her wine.
"I'm sure we can," said Keese. "We were certainly always on friendly terms with the Walkers, though we didn't really know them intimately. They were a good deal older."
"I didn't mean that polite social kind of shit," Ramona said.
This extraordinary speech resulted not in encouraging Keese but rather in frightening him. But as luck would have it his means of resisting fright was to simulate boldness—alone at night on a darkened city street he would invariably, teeth tightly occluded, steer himself towards any threatening shadow that offered itself, on the principle that all malefactors abhor the initiative of others.
"O.K.," he said heartily, "you're on. We're friends. We'll start there and work backwards. I don't even know your last name and whether you have a husband. I've seen your dog but nothing else. You were all moved in by the time I came home."
"Dog?" asked Ramona. Having got her refill she had put the glass down and not touched it since. There had been only an inch of wine left in the bottle for Keese: he decided to forgo it.
"Wolfhound?" he asked. "I assumed it was yours. I thought I knew all the dogs in the neighborhood."
"Why don't you sit down?" She grimaced. "You make me nervous, standing awkwardly there like that, holding that bottle."
Keese was too startled to resist. His favorite chair was nearby. He went to it and complied with her order.
As if she had not displayed sufficient effrontery even yet, she said: "Now, doesn't that feel better?" He winced visibly. Not being as insensitive as she seemed, Ramona added: "That's what I mean about being friends: you talk turkey with your friend. If he doesn't like it he can always throw you out."
Keese had a faint suspicion that he might get onto her style eventually. Meanwhile he was mollified by this exposition of her rationale. He waved his hands. "Thanks, I'm quite comfortable now." He could not resist settling in, lifting one haunch and then the other, though he was aware that it marked him as being hopelessly middle-aged.
As if reading his thoughts Ramona said sweetly: "You're not so old, but you are too fat."
Had she finally gone too far? Apparently not, if Keese could ponder on the question. At any rate, he felt no impulse whatever to protest. Accepting the insult took much less of a toll than would have the display of an ire which furthermore he did not feel. After all, what she had said was no more nor less than the truth, and he was proud of his courage to face facts.
Nevertheless, he pulled his abdomen in while addressing the table at his elbow: "I have a feeling that you seldom resist an urge to say whatever's on your mind."
"Maybe I'm just testing you," said Ramona. "Anyway, I'm nobody of importance. I can say what I want because it doesn't matter. Who cares anyway?" She stood up. "Is your wife making dinner?"
Keese had no time to deplore her self-deprecation, had he been so inclined. "Afraid so," he answered, rising with a foolish feeling of guilt. "Look, do you have anything to eat over there? The stores hereabout shut their doors at five sharp, and the one restaurant in town is closed for renovation at the moment. It just occurs to me that you may not have eaten dinner. Would you like to eat with us? And is there more of your family?"
Ramona took his hand in hers. "Earl—is that your name, Earl? You just trot out first and ask your wife if it's O.K." Her fingers were almost as long as his but not of course so broad; and though her toes were painted her fingernails were not.
He had his pride to defend. "I buy the food," said he. "I think I might have some say as to who eats it."
She raised her free arm and pointed. "Now go! Don't argue like a bad boy, Earl, or you'll be sorry."
It was preposterous to be manhandled like this in one's
own living room, and by a girl! But with mixed glee and shame he realized that he was aroused—at least physically.
He was pleased that the kitchen lay at the farthest extremity of the house. While he was still in the dining room he heard the outside door open and close, but when he stepped into the kitchen Enid was at the refrigerator, across the room from the door, and furthermore holding a burden in both hands: some plastic box she had just taken from the freezer.
"Huh," she said, "does the sight of frozen succotash elate you so?"
"Do we have enough for a guest or two?" asked Keese, allowing for the possibility that Ramona had a mate—of whom, strangely, he was not jealous.