I hadn’t planned on lying to him, but it slipped so effortlessly from my lips that I couldn’t have stopped it if I tried. Ryan would never do anything that would hurt my son, and I knew it. It was a low blow, but I felt like I needed the help it gave me.
“He’ll take Matson from you if you don’t stop seeing me? Why? What does he gain from that?”
I fidgeted on the bed before standing and pacing back and forth. What else could I say? “He needs you out of the picture, or else his dad won’t give him the company.”
“Why? I know I keep asking you why, but I don’t understand.”
I pictured Ryan in my head, pulling at the strands of his hair, his eyes tired, his heart aching.
“I know this all sounds crazy, but his family is insane. And until things settle down and Derek goes away for good, we have to stop seeing each other. I don’t want to fuel his anger, and I’m afraid that something will happen to hurt Matson. I have to make sure my son’s okay. I have to give him all my attention right now, and if I’m worried about you or about us, then I won’t be worrying about Matson. You’re too distracting, Ryan.”
I thought he was going to say something, but when he didn’t, I continued. “You’re distracting in the best possible way, but it’s still a distraction I can’t afford to have right now. Matson has to be my first and only priority.”
“How can I argue with that?” Ryan’s voice was so sad, it nearly broke my heart.
I knew that he couldn’t argue, knew he wouldn’t fight me on this. “I need you to know that this has nothing to do with the way I feel about you and what I want.” I stopped pacing and held my breath as I waited for him to say something.
“I know that. I wouldn’t have believed you if you tried to tell me otherwise.” His tone softened. “I want to be with you, and I hate agreeing to this. I feel like I’m walking away and leaving you to fight alone when it’s the last thing I want.”
“This is a fight I have to handle by myself. Having you by my side will only make it worse. I know that doesn’t make any sense,” I said, and it didn’t. “But we’re not dealing with a rational person here.”
“It doesn’t feel right, and I need you to know that this goes against everything I believe in and everything I feel. It’s killing me to even think about agreeing to this.”
The pain in Ryan’s voice ripped through me, tearing my heart to pieces. But I convinced myself to stay strong, because anything less could end up with him getting hurt. Really hurt.
“It’s just until his dad gives him the company,” I reminded Ryan, hoping he would see that as the silver lining in this crappy situation.
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here when this is all done. You just make sure you come back to me.”
My eyes instantly welled up with tears. What if Derek’s dad never gave him the company? Or what if it took years? Was I supposed to stay away from Ryan for that long? Who in their right mind could expect me to do that?
“I don’t know how long it will take.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes, you do. We both do. We deserve each other. What you don’t deserve is this drama, and this asshole having any say in your life.”
“I feel like all I do is bring you pain.” Suddenly, I felt unworthy of Ryan’s adoration or respect. All I’d done since meeting him was judge him, avoid him, and bring a level of drama into his life worthy of a television series. It was embarrassing.
“That’s not true. You bring so much joy to my life. You and Matson both,” Ryan said, his words aiming straight for my heart and hitting their mark.
“I’ll be back, Ryan. I promise I’ll be back for you.” I swallowed my emotions and wiped at my falling tears.
“You know I’d never let you stay away,” he said, but I could hear the smile in his voice.
I moved to end the call, but pressed the phone back to my ear instead. “One more thing.”
“I’m listening.”
“You can’t contact me. You can’t come over or call or show up somewhere, okay?” I needed him to agree to this because I knew that Derek would be watching. “I need you to promise me. It’s important.”
“How will he know if I do?”
“Derek thinks his dad is having me followed, so he’d know if we saw each other. And knowing him, he probably has access to my cell phone logs, so he’d know if we talked.”
“So I really do need to disappear?” Ryan’s voice cracked, a lot like my heart was doing right now.
“For now, yes. I can’t lose Matson. That would kill me.”
“Literally breaking my heart here, angel, but you know I’d never do anything to mess up your custody with Matson. I wouldn’t fucking allow it to happen either. I need you to know I’d do everything in my power to stop him from taking your son. Derek’s dad might be powerful, but my dad is too.” He paused before adding, “In his own way.”
Ryan’s words were a reminder that I knew very little about his parents or what they did. But that part of getting to know each other would have to wait.
“I can’t even think about that right now. But thank you. And please know how much I hate all of this. I promise it won’t be for forever, and I’ll make it up to you.”
“You and Matson coming back is all the making up I need. Just make sure you do that,” he said, and it sounded like he was fighting off tears. I prayed that he didn’t cry, because if Ryan broke down on me now, I’d never recover.
“’Bye, Ryan.” I pressed End before he could say anything else.
Everything that needed to be said had been, and if I stayed on the line with him any longer, I couldn’t trust myself not to take it all back and beg for his forgiveness. I’d promised him that we’d work through this and fight Derek together, but I knew that we couldn’t. At least, not yet.
So I told him good-bye and left the pieces of my heart dangling somewhere between his house and mine. And I prayed to God that Ryan would know they were there so he could pick them up and keep them safe. I’d been so difficult with him for so long, and now that I was ready to be with him, we were being torn apart. It wasn’t fair.
But then again, life so rarely was.
Deadly Desperation
Sofia
Over three weeks had passed, and Ryan had made good on the promise I’d forced him to make. He remained quiet, leaving me alone.
Even though I knew he was only doing what I’d asked of him, it hurt that he could. Every day, it killed me to not reach out to him in some way, but the potential consequences stopped me cold.
It had shocked me at first how quickly I’d gotten used to Ryan being a part of my life. And how his being gone was what now felt wrong, instead of the opposite. His absence had a presence; his silence, a heartbeat.
I hated that he listened to my pleas to stay away, but I loved that he stayed true to his word.
My heart was a constant contradiction, beating out pained thumps inside my chest, feeding me lies and questions that only inflicted more hurt.
Maybe he’s forgotten about us, it thumped.
We told him to disappear, it beat back.
He’s glad we’re gone, it pounded.
We told him to leave, it drummed against my rib cage.
This continued day after day, until the only peace I found was while I slept.
It took Matson almost two weeks to stop asking about Ryan. At first, he wondered when he was going to be able to give Ryan the picture he drew. It still hung on our fridge, held in place by a cheerful Hawaii magnet. I couldn’t bring myself to take it down, and it would have only confused Matson more if I had.
Each day when I picked him up from my mom’s house, he would ask if Ryan was coming over. And each time I told him not tonight, sweetheart, his smile would drop and he’d stare at his feet until I pulled into our driveway, what was left of my broken heart breaking even more.
Eventually, I had to tell Matson that Ryan was out
of town for work, and that we’d see him as soon as he got back. But even that hadn’t stopped his questions entirely. Matson was too smart for his own good, asking to talk to Ryan on the phone, or video chat the next time he called. And when I couldn’t give him either of those things, I expanded my lie, telling him that Ryan was far away. That it was daytime when we were sleeping, and when we were awake, it was nighttime where Ryan was.
Matson huffed out a breath, the way kids do when they don’t like the answer but know they have to accept it. Frowning, he said he hoped Ryan hurried up and came home soon, because he missed him. I wrapped my little boy in a hug and told him that I did too, but that Ryan wasn’t gone forever.
I really hoped that part wasn’t a lie.
• • •
I stepped into the empty elevator and pulled up my personal email on my phone for the first time that day. I’d been slammed with back-to-back meetings and scheduling issues for my boss, so I hadn’t had time to check it. The doors closed as my inbox loaded and a message from Ryan appeared that he’d sent before noon.
I couldn’t click on it fast enough, but being inside the elevator made my wireless connection slower than usual. Tapping at my screen as if that would get it to load faster, I felt my stomach flip-flop with anticipation.
The spinning circle stopped, and his message finally loaded as the doors to the basement garage opened. I stepped out, pausing so I could process whatever he’d said to me without the distraction of walking.
I know this breaks all the rules, but I thought you should know that Derek’s dad is really sick. I’ve been researching his family for weeks now, and I came across an article that said he was in the hospital recently. It makes sense why Derek’s shown up after all this time. Figured you’d want to know. I miss you so much it hurts.
My knees buckled and I leaned back against the concrete wall for support. Derek’s dad being sick made sense, too much sense, but what got to me the most was Ryan saying he missed me so much it hurt.
I was relieved. I was sad. I was pissed. I was joyful. But mostly, I was mad, thoroughly pissed off.
I hated that Derek was keeping this man from my life and Matson’s. I hated that I felt powerless over my own life. I hated everything. But mostly, I hated the fact that I was allowing it to happen instead of figuring out a way to fight back.
Letting my anger fuel me, I regained my strength and pushed off from the wall. Heading toward where I’d parked my car, I nearly stumbled when I spotted Derek pacing behind the rear bumper. My anger quickly dissipated into unsettled emotions.
Did he know that Ryan had emailed me? Was that why he was here? Had he hurt him or come to warn me?
Nervous energy pumped through me as I wondered if he did know, and if he’d buy whatever lie I could feed him to gain us some time. Ryan always knew when I was lying to him, but Derek didn’t know me at all anymore, so maybe he wouldn’t catch on.
As I approached him, I slowed my pace, noticing that Derek still looked unkempt. It was an odd thing to focus on, but the scruff looked so out of place on his face. Maybe he still hadn’t set things right with his dad. Or maybe his dad was really sick like Ryan had suggested.
“Derek?” I said his name as calmly as I could. I needed to know what he wanted without tipping his scales over to crazy town. “What are you doing here?”
His bloodshot eyes met mine. “I need you to go with me to an event honoring my father.” He crossed his arms over his chest and stepped between me and my car, blocking my door.
So he didn’t know about the email. My relief flitted away as anger worked back into my veins, giving me strength.
“No.”
“You have to,” he insisted, sounding unnerved.
“No,” I repeated, my tone as cold as ice.
“You have to come, Sofia.” He slammed his fist on the hood of my car, leaving a dent.
“No, I don’t.”
Every single atom inside me refused to allow me to give in to him. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to Ryan, but I was tired of feeling like a puppet with Derek pulling my strings. I decided that second that I’d talk to Ryan later and tell him everything so we could figure out a solution together.
Derek pushed away from my car and raked his hands through his hair as he paced back and forth. “My father needs to see us together. He doesn’t believe that we’re happy,” he shouted, and I realized he’d given me enough space to get into my car, but I’d have to be quick.
“We’re not happy.” I looked at him like he was a freaking lunatic.
“He thinks you’re still with Ryan, and even though he has no proof, he won’t let the idea go. He’s ruining everything.”
As Derek continued to pace back and forth, I darted toward my door but he got there first, slamming it closed with one hand as I tried to yank it open.
“You’ll come with me to this party, or you’ll regret it.” He pulled his jacket back, revealing the silver handle of a gun sticking out of his waistband.
All my strength evaporated like a popped balloon, the puppet strings firmly back in place. My head spun as I fought to keep control of my balance.
Derek lunged toward me and gripped my arms, but I was frozen in place. I tried to command my arms to move, but they were stuck to my sides like they were superglued there.
“I told you that if you ruined my future, I’d ruin yours,” he shouted, spraying spittle on my face.
“Derek, let go. You’re hurting me, and I need to go pick up Matson.”
He squeezed tighter before abruptly letting me go. “You’re coming with me to that party.” He pointed a shaky finger at me, poking me painfully in the forehead twice.
I didn’t respond, just thankful my body was finally cooperating again. I hopped into my car and quickly locked the doors, but when I looked in my mirrors, Derek was nowhere to be found. It was like he’d never been there at all.
Once I pulled out of my parking space, I’d just stepped on the gas when the sound of tires squealing behind me got my attention. In my rearview mirror, I could see Derek’s black truck riding my ass. He was so close, I was afraid he was going to hit me.
Making a right out of the lot, I intentionally sped up to see what Derek would do. He stayed right on my tail. And when I jerked my car across two lanes of traffic without warning, I watched in my mirrors as he did the same.
Derek continued to aggressively follow me as I navigated the streets of Santa Monica, too scared to drive to my parents’ house. I refused to pick up Matson while Derek was this reckless. And my poor parents . . . they had no idea any of this had been going on, and it seemed too late to try to explain it all to them now.
Terrified, I drove erratically, making turns at the last second without using my blinker, and going in circles around blocks. But Derek refused to let up, flashing his brights and honking his horn like a maniac. When he tapped my bumper, I almost lost control and crashed into a parked car on the side of the road.
My nerves were shot, fear fueling my adrenaline, and I knew there was only one place I could go. Racing into the employee lot of Sam’s bar, I turned off my engine and sprinted through the back door, praying that Ryan was inside.
Desperate, I searched for him, my heart nearly pounding out of my chest. When I spotted him near the back of the bar, wiping off a table, I ran to him.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know where else to go. He’s chasing me, and he’s crazy,” I said through shaky breaths.
Ryan pulled me into his arms and held me tight. “It’s okay, it’s okay. Who’s chasing you? Derek?”
“Yes,” I said, but my emotions caused me to get choked up. Seeing Ryan and being in his arms after these past few weeks, coupled with being pursued by Derek, left me feeling overwhelmed.
“Is he here?” Ryan tensed, his body stiffening beneath my palms.
“I think so. He followed me.”
When I pointed toward the back entrance, Ryan released his hold on me and took off, slamming t
he door hard against the building as he bolted outside. I’d never seen him so angry, so determined, so protective.
He was back inside the bar within seconds. “He sped off as soon as he saw me. What happened?”
The ping of a text message alert stopped me from answering Ryan’s question.
Unknown Number: I told you his blood would be on your hands. Remember that you caused this.
I almost dropped the phone when Ryan tried to read the message. Terrified that Derek might storm in and start shooting up the place, I panicked.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Don’t follow me, Ryan. I mean it. I shouldn’t have come here. I won’t make that mistake again.”
“It wasn’t a mistake. Sofia, it wasn’t a mistake,” he shouted.
But I was already running out the back door for my car so I could lead Derek away from Ryan and any innocent bystanders. My thoughts instantly went to Matson. If I didn’t show up soon to pick him up, he’d worry. It was my job to protect and worry about him, not the other way around.
As soon as I exited the parking lot, Derek’s truck came into view. He’d been waiting for me.
When I got stuck at a red light, he pulled up next to me and yelled out his window, “You couldn’t just stay away from him, could you? You’ve ruined everything!”
When the light turned green, I floored it like a hero in an action movie, foolishly thinking that I could outrun him this time.
Allowing Derek to get behind me again was my first mistake.
Calling Ryan after I’d just stormed out on him was my second.
I wouldn’t get the chance to make a third.
Crash into Me
Ryan
I was going out of my damn mind. Sofia had run into my arms and just as quickly run away again, telling me it had been a mistake.
I stood outside and watched her drive off, noticing as Derek’s truck followed soon after. She’d said she shouldn’t have come here, but the gnawing feeling in my gut told me otherwise. Here was exactly where she was supposed to be.