Today Dad took me to an anti-war rally at the university. He is very worried and upset about the students and talked to me as though I were an adult. I really enjoyed it. Daddy is not as worried about the militant students (who he thinks should be dealt with very harshly) as he is about the kids who could be easily led into wrong thinking. I’m worried about them too. i’m worried about me!
Later we went over to see Doctor _____ who is also really concerned about the younger generation. He talked a lot about where kids are going and then he rattled off some statistics that really surprised me. I can’t remember half of what he said he talked so fast, but there were things like: 1,000 college-age kids commit suicide every year and another 9,000 try to. VD has gone up 25% among kids my age and pregnancies are really growing, even with the pill. He also said that crime and mental illness among kids has skyrocketed. In fact, everything he said was worse than the thing before it.
When we left I don’t know whether I felt better about what I’ve done because so many other people are caught up in the same thing or worse because everybody’s going crazy at once. But to tell you the truth, I really don’t think the kids can be blamed for screwing up, at least not entirely. The adults don’t seem to be doing much better. In fact, I can’t think of one person I’d like to see as President except Dad who’d never get elected with me for a daughter.
May 19
Well, I got blasted out of the water again today. Someone put a joint in my purse and I was so scared. I had to cut my next class and take a cab over to Dad’s office.
I just don’t understand why they won’t leave me alone! Why are they hassling me like this? Does my existence make them nervous? I really think it does. I really think they are trying to wipe me off the face of the earth or send me to the nut house. It’s like I’ve uncovered a giant spy ring and I can’t be allowed to live anymore!
Dad said I have to be strong and adult. He talked to me for a long time and I’m really grateful that he cares, but I know he doesn’t understand their motivations any better than I do. Besides he doesn’t know about Richie and Lane and all the rest. He said the whole family is behind me. But what good does that do when the whole world is against me? It’s like Gramps’ dying. Everybody feels really terrible about it, but nobody can do anything, including me!
May 20
I’ve managed to get myself into the study grind again, which helps. At least it keeps my mind off you know what.
May 21
Gran is sick, but Mom thinks it’s just the letdown. I hope so, because she really looks terrible. Oh, I almost forgot. Dad has gotten permission for me to use the university library, and today I went over for the first time. It’s really fun. I felt very sophisticated and a lot of the kids think I’m a coed. Isn’t that funny?
May 22
I met a boy in the library today. His name is Joel Reems and he’s a freshman. We studied together, then he walked me over to Daddy’s office. Daddy was busy, so we sat on the front steps of his building and waited for him. I decided to not pretend to Joel, but just to tell the truth about myself and let him take it or leave it (well, almost all the truth). I told him I was only sixteen and just had library privileges because of my Dad.
He’s really a very sweet guy, because he just laughed and said that it was all right because he hadn’t planned to ask me to marry him this semester anyway. When Dad came out, he sat on the steps for a while and the three of us talked like we had known each other always. It was great! Before Joel left he asked me when I’d be studying again and I said that I spent my entire waking hours studying, which seemed to please him.
May 23
Dear Daddy, I guess I should be mad at him but I’m not! He went and looked up Joel’s record and told me all about him. I really got a kick out of the idea of Dad sneaking around the files getting information for me. Anyway Joel is an accelerated student who is in the university though he’s only eighteen years old, barely. His dad is dead and his mother works in a factory and he works a seven-hour shift every day at the school as a janitor. He works from midnight till seven every morning, then his first class is at nine on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. What a schedule! ! !
Dad warned me not to interfere with his studies, and I said I wouldn’t. However if he wants to walk me from the library to Dad’s office every afternoon (even Saturdays) I can’t see what that could hurt, can you?
Evening
Joel did walk me to Dad’s office. And it was almost like a date! Our words scrambled out all over each other and we laughed and chattered both at the same time. (It was very chaotic and very lovely.) Joel says he’s never had much time for girls and he doesn’t understand how I seem to know so much about him. I told him that women were very perceptive, that’s all. And crafty!
May 25
Joel walked me over to Dad’s office again tonight and it wasn’t my idea but, Dad invited him over for dinner tomorrow. Mother said it’s fine with her, and I know she’s anxious to meet him because Daddy has been teasing me about him.
May 26
I raced home from school and helped Mom clean the house like the King of the World was coming, and I made sure we had all the ingredients for orange yeast rolls, my one specialty. I can’t wait! I can’t wait!
Later
Joel just left and it was a fantastic evening. I don’t know why I say that because he and Daddy spent most of the time together. I guess it’s because his dad died when he was seven, but they really had a nice relationship. Even Tim seemed fascinated while they talked, particularly about Joel’s educational possibilities. (I think Tim is starting to think about college. Already!)
My orange rolls were perfection, even Gran said she couldn’t have made better, and Joel ate seven! Seven! And he said he’d have taken a pocketful home for breakfast if there had been any left over. Of course if there had been any left over I’m sure he wouldn’t have mentioned it. He’s pretty reserved. I think I’ll ask Mom if I can make him a batch and have him pick them up at Dad’s office.
May 29
Oh Diary, guess what? Dad had absolutely the most wonderful news to tell us at dinner! (And he did it very nonchalantly.) He’s going to try to get Joel a scholarship. He says he’s pretty sure he can do it, but it will take time and he doesn’t want me to say anything until it’s all settled. I hope I can keep my big mouth shut. I’m not very good at that kind of thing.
P.S. Things seem okay at school. Nobody’s talking to me, but nobody’s hassling me either. I guess you can’t have everything.
June 1
Gran’s house was sold today and they’ve decided just to have the movers pack all her things and put them in storage. She broke down and cried when she heard the news. It’s the first time I’ve really seen her cry. I guess Gramps’ being gone and now the house which she lived in almost all her life, makes everything seem so final.
Later
I wonder if Joel really likes me? I wonder if he thinks I’m cute or pretty or attractive? I wonder if I seem like the kind of girl who would mean something serious to him? I hope he likes me because I like him a lot. In fact, I think I really love him . . . .
Mrs. Joel Reems
MRS. JOEL REEMS
Mr. and Mrs. Joel Reems
Dr. and Mrs. Joel Reems
Doesn’t that look lovely!
June 2
Mrs. Larsen just called and said that Jan had promised to baby-sit but she called at the last minute and cancelled, which sounds just like Jan. Oh well, I guess I can study there as well as I can here. Gotta pack my things together.
See ya later.
P.M.
Dear Diary,
I’m really dragged and tired and sad and worn out and fed up.
Jan came by about a half an hour after Mrs. Larsen left and said she wanted to baby-sit because she needed the bread. But I couldn’t let her because she was stoned and Mrs. Larsen’s baby is only four months old. But she wouldn’t leave so finally I had to call her parents and ask them to co
me and get her. I told them she was sick, but by the time they got there she was really grooving. She had the stereo on loud enough to wake the baby who was wet and crying anyway, but I didn’t dare even change her because I wasn’t sure what Jan might do. She was so high her mom and dad had to practically pull her out to the car, and they were both crying and asking me not to tell her parole officer.
Oh, I hope I did the right thing. I probably shouldn’t have called her parents, but I really couldn’t get her out of there and I surely couldn’t have left her with the baby. I can just imagine what it’s going to be like in school tomorrow when this gets around. Bahm! Nobody’s even going to listen to my side. And besides, dopers don’t understand things like hurting babies. They don’t understand anything.
June 3
Mom and Dad said I did exactly as I should have last night and they were sorry they had not been available to help me. But what could they have done besides call Jan’s parents? Actually it might have been even worse if they’d been there. Who knows? Gotta go now.
P.M.
Jan passed me in the hall today and there was bitterness and hostility in her face like I have never seen before. “I’ll get even with you, you fucking Miss Polly Pure,” she said and she practically screamed it out in front of everyone. I tried to explain but she turned and walked away as though I didn’t even exist.
Later I went to the library. Joel knew something was wrong, so finally I told him I’m coming down with a cold and feel miserable. (The feeling miserable part is true.) He said I should take some aspirin and get some rest. Life is so simple for straight people.
(?)
I don’t know what Jan has told all the kids, but she really must be starting some ugly rumors because now I get sneers and giggles which is worse than being lonely and ignored. I wish I could talk to Joel, but I’m not even going to the library to study I’m so uptight. I’ll just take some books home and work in my room. (My room will be my whole universe.)
(?)
Joel just called from the library because he was worried about me. He had talked to Dad’s secretary who didn’t know anything. I’m so glad he called, but I told him I was sick and wouldn’t be going to the library this week. (Oh, I am sick, I’m sick of the screwed up potheads and acidheads and all the other dopey dopers who are persecuting me.) Anyway, Joel asked if I’d mind if he called me every night, and I didn’t tell him that I’d be waiting by the phone but I will be! But you knew that didn’t you?
June 7
During the night Gran got quite sick. I think she just doesn’t care to go on without Gramps. She didn’t come out of her room for breakfast. I took her a tray, but she just played around with the food. Tonight I must go in and visit with her instead of going to the library like I’d finally decided to do. Joel will understand.
Bye now.
June 8
I am so boxed in I don’t know what to do. Jan sidled up to me as I was walking down the ramp and whispered, “You better tell your little tail-wagging sister not to accept candy from strangers or even from friends, especially your friends.” But Jan wouldn’t do that! She couldn’t! No matter what she thinks of me she surely wouldn’t take it out on Alexandria, would she? Would she? I wish I could make her understand, but I simply don’t know how.
Oh, I would like to talk to Mom or Dad or Joel or Tim about this, but everything I do seems to make things worse. I guess I’ll just have to work it into a dinner conversation some way about vindictive kids who put acid on candy and gum, etc., and pass them out. Maybe if I tell them that a teacher was talking about a kid in Detroit who died that way, they’ll be careful. They’ve got to be careful!
June 9
I was walking home from the store and a carload of kids pulled up beside me and began shouting things like:
“Well, if it isn’t easy lay, Mary Pure.”
“No, it’s Miss Fink Mouth.”
“Miss Super Fink Mouth. Miss Double Triple Fink Mouth.”
“I wonder what would happen if we stashed some shit in her old man’s car?”
“Wouldn’t that be great having her father, the professor, picked up?”
Then they called me every rotten name in the book and roared off laughing hysterically, leaving me emotionally crushed and battered and beaten. I think they’re just threatening me, trying to drive me crazy. But who knows? Last summer I read about some stoned kids who put a cat in a washing machine and turned it on just to see what would happen. Maybe they really would like to know how Dad would react. They’re such a bunch of lousy crazy bastards I wouldn’t put it past them. But I don’t think they’ll go that far. Maybe if I just sort of ignore them they will eventually give up.
June 10
For the first time I feel absolutely certain that even if I were locked in a room full of acid, Speed, and every other upper in the world I would only be disgusted, for I see what it does to kids who used to be my friends. Surely they wouldn’t pick on me so unmercifully if it weren’t for drugs. Would they?
Today someone put a burning roach in my locker and when the principal called me out of my room even he knew I wouldn’t do anything that stupid. My new jacket has a big hole in it and some loose papers had caught on fire and smoked everything all up. He asked me to name anyone I thought might have done it, and although I suspect Jan, I wouldn’t dare tell on her, and I certainly don’t want to name all the dopers at school. I’d be a fine one to point fingers. Besides they’d probably kill me. I’m really afraid.
June 11
I’m so grateful school will be out soon and next year maybe I can go to school in Seattle and live with Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Arthur. I do wish Gran hadn’t sold her house, but sick as she is I guess I couldn’t have lived there either.
P.S. I went to the library at the university and Joel and I sat out on the lawn for a while, but things just aren’t the same. Everyday everything seems to get a little worse. I wish Joel could have been Dad’s son, and that I might never have been born.
June 12
Tonight is the dance, but naturally I won’t go. Even George, who used to take me out, now looks at me with disdain or passes me by without even seeing me. Apparently the rumors are growing. I just can’t even imagine what they are saying or how to stop them.
(?)
I think the old grass gang is trying to drive me completely insane, and they are almost succeeding. Today Mom and I were in the market and we met Marcie and her mom. While they stopped to talk Marcie turned to me and said, with a beautiful smile on her face, “Tonight we’re having a party and this is your last chance.”
I said “no thank you” as calmly as I could, but I thought I was going to choke. Her mother was standing about two inches away from her! Then she smiled just as sweetly and said, “You might as well come because we’re going to get you anyway.” Can you believe it? A fifteen year old girl from an educated, respected family couldn’t be threatening another girl in public, not in the nice, precise vegetable department. I thought I was going to lose my mind; that right then and there my mind was going to fall out on the floor and dissolve.
On the way home, Mom commented about my being so quiet. Then she asked me why I didn’t get nice Marcie Green to fix me up every now and then. Nice Marcie Green, ha! Maybe I am losing my mind. Maybe these things really aren’t happening.
June 16
Gran died in her sleep last night. I tried to tell myself that she’s gone to Gramps, but I’m so depressed all I can think about is worms eating her body. Empty eye sockets with whole colonies of writhing maggots. I can no longer eat. The whole house is crazy with everyone worrying about the funeral. Poor Mom, two parents in two months! How can she stand it? I think I’d die if I lost my parents right now. I’ve been trying to help her and to make things easier, but I’m so exhausted I have to force myself to take every step.
June 17
Joel heard about Gran dying and called to tell me how sorry he was. He really gave me a lot of strength and offered to come
over tomorrow after the funeral. I’m so glad he’s coming. I’m going to need him.
June 19
I think the one thing that helped me hold on today was knowing that Joel would be waiting. Everytime I wanted to cry I kept thinking about him sitting in our living room and it made things better. I wish Mom had had something to think about because she was really upset. I’ve never seen her in such bad shape. Dad tried his best, but I don’t think he really reached her.
When we got home, Joel and I sat in the back yard and talked for a long time. His father died when he was seven and since then he’s thought a lot about death and about life. His feelings and ideas are so mature I can hardly believe he isn’t a hundred thousand years old! He’s also a very spiritual kind of person, not really religious but spiritual, and he feels very deeply. I think most kids in our generation do. Even on drug trips, many kids think they see God or that they are communing with heavenly things. Anyway when Joel left, he kissed me very tenderly on the lips for the first time. He is so good and fine that I hope someday we can have each other. I really do.
The worst thing about today was seeing soft, frail Gran lowered into that dark, endless hole. It seemed to swallow her up and when they threw dirt on the coffin, I thought I was going to scream. But Joel said not to think about that because that isn’t what death really means and I guess he’s right. I just can’t think about it.
June 20
There are many social things going on now that school is out, and I try not to be hurt because I can’t be included. I guess it’s sort of indecent to want to go now that Gran has just died. But to tell you the truth, dear friend Diary, I’m tired of being left out and pretending it doesn’t hurt. I’m so tired that sometimes I just want to run away again and never come back.