Jim was lying in a small boat on a placid stream drifting. There was a lulling breeze, and the sun warmed his body. Jim had never felt a peace like this before. Then he began to hear something in the distance. It was the sound of rushing water. Jim sat up in the boat. It was the falls! Jim took the paddles that lay next to him and tried to row away from them, but it was too late. His boat was caught up in the strong current that was pulling him closer to the edge. Then all of a sudden, a pair of hands sprang up on the side of the boat, tearing off pieces of it. Water began to flood in. Jim tried to fight with the hands.
“Stop it!” screamed Jim “Get off! You’ll kill us both!”
The water continued to come in. At this rate, Jim would end up drowning before he even got to the edge of the falls. The hands kept clawing, the boat continued to fall apart and Jim sank deeper into the water and went under.
“NOOOOOO!”
Jim opened his eyes in darkness once again. He could barely remember the details of the past few hours. Everything was hazy. He sat up on the edge of a bed and tried to think, through the buzzing in his head. Slowly things started coming back to him. The last thing he remembered was that he was at home when he got a phone call from Callie. This time she was worse than the first time she called him. She was absolutely hysterical…something about Allen walking out. Then he came over. He brought some Alize, which had recently become her favorite drink. They drank and talked…he comforted her through her pain…
Jim flinched and looked around. He wasn’t alone in the room. There was someone in the bed beside him. He wanted to find the light and turn it on, but he was afraid of what he might find. Jim went to the window of the room and opened the blinds a bit to let in some light from the moon and the street lamps outside. As he surveyed the room in the darkness, he slowly realized where he was and what had happened. He had to get out of there.
Jim, still a bit inebriated, did his best to gather his clothes and dress in the darkness as quietly as he could. His hands were shaking as he struggled to button his shirt. He found his jeans and jumped into them. Checking the pockets he found his cell phone, wallet, and his keys. That was a big relief. He couldn’t find his socks but he did find his boots, however, he didn’t put them on. Instead, he crept quietly across the carpeted floor to the bedroom door turned the knob slowly and eased on out. In the living room, he bumped into the coat rack where he found his coat, hat, and scarf. He didn’t bother putting them on either, but carried them out in the hallway. Once he was outside the apartment, he finished dressing and dashed down the steps and kept going until he was outside the building.
It was still dark. Jim checked his cell phone for the time. 4:30am. He had to go to work in about two hours.
“Nothing may have happened, after all.” Jim tried to persuade himself “I was way too drunk for anything to have happened. Probably just fell asleep, like the last time.”
Jim walked on faster and faster until he reached the train station. He hopped onto the first D train that came by and took it to 145th street. Then he went home, quickly showered and changed. Jim ended up leaving for work at his usual time. He was lucky to have awakened when he did because he remembered his boss’ warning. Jim was walking a fine line at work. When he came in on that fateful Monday, Jim’s boss had given him a formal reprimand. Even though Jim was now a union worker and didn’t foresee himself losing his job anytime soon, he could be suspended if he didn’t straighten up. He had been present and accounted for on time now for nearly a week, and he didn’t want to lose his momentum. He was trying to keep his shirt tucked in. Things were going good until last night.
On the subway ride to the station, Jim tried to put what happened last evening out of his mind and tried to think about the day ahead of him. He was thinking of how good it would be to be driving his regular route with no interruptions, signal problems or the like. Jim was thinking about where he would go for lunch, when he heard that voice again. That old nagging voice.
“You know you really messed up this time.”
“Shut up! Nothing happened! It couldn’t have. I was way too drunk.”
“So what happened to your clothes, then?”
“I said shut up! I don’t have time for this right now.”
“You know Allen really liked her.”
“If he liked her he wouldn’t have treated her the way he did. He wouldn’t have taken her for granted, or walked away from her.”
“Still, you remember what Allen told you. Just you and no one else.”
“That was a long time ago. People change, feelings change. How do you explain that chick he went to the Election Night party with, then?”
“You knew that was over before it started. Now let’s tally the damages. You have no friends, no family, you’re stuck in an unsatisfying job which you just may lose because can’t seem to get your act together, and who knows what will come of certain recent developments. Especially if certain people got word of it. I don’t even need to mention all of the bad ‘habits’ you’ve picked up lately. It’s a good thing your mother isn’t here to see what you’ve become.”
“Shut up! Leave me alone!”
“How can I? Look what you’re doing to yourself!”
“I’m not doing anything that no one else hasn’t done before. I’m human. I can make a few mistakes, can’t I? I haven’t really messed things up that bad.”
“Not yet, anyway.”
“What do you mean by that? I’ve got my life in control. I’m holdin’ it down on the job. As long as I got some money comin’ in what does all that other stuff doesn’t matter?”
“You mean like Callie? Is that all she is to you? Other stuff?”
“She’s a big girl, and she’s not stupid.”
“You made a promise to her though. Don’t you think she’d be devastated if you broke that promise? What if she did something desperate because…”
The voice kept talking, but Jim tried not to listen. The voice just made him feel ashamed, guilty, and depressed. It was not that the voice wasn’t right, but Jim felt helpless in the face of its accusations. He didn’t feel that there was anything that he could do to change things. Just when Jim thought he was doing the right thing, he’d end up doing something that was wrong. No matter how hard he tried to take control of his life, something would happen that he didn’t foresee. His actions would cause a chain reaction leading to events that would totally blind side him. Jim needed help, but he didn’t know where to turn.
Soon Jim was at his stop. He got off the train and reported to the station office to punch in and get his equipment for work. Then he boarded the train that was idling in the station. Jim put the train in gear and did his standing break tests. He checked his watch. The train would not be leaving for another few minutes. Jim stood staring down into the dark tunnel as he waited. He thought back to when he was a child, and how frightened he used to be of the dark. Momma would always let him sleep with her and even then he needed a night light. Jim used to believe that the devil was the ruler of all darkness and that he would use the cover of darkness to sneak in and steal Jim’s soul. Jim no longer believed in the devil. At least he thought he didn’t. But he was still afraid of darkness. Jim had been fighting a darkness that had slowly been wrapping itself around him. It seemed the harder he fought, the tighter its grip took hold of him.
Jim was startled by the loud, sharp noise from the radio.
“You’re clear”, the dispatcher said.
Jim started up the train and turned on the automated announcer. Then he punched the signal and headed out into the tunnel. Jim felt a lot better now that the train was in motion. He could focus on the task at hand: keeping his train running, monitoring the signals and turns. It was predictable. Even when there were disruptions, they were always dealt with using the same predictable permutation of possibilities. This job was the only thing that Jim had left. His tiny hold on sanity. It seemed to be the only place where he could shut everything out, where nothing
could touch him. He was in control here. “I’ll call Callie, a little later. I’ll leave a message on her cell phone and explain everything.” This thought made Jim feel a little better about the situation he had walked away from earlier. Then another voice began to speak.
“Callie’s a grown woman. She knows the deal. I don’t think she’s gonna read nothin’ into it.”
“Yeah, it’s not like she’s new to the game. She’s been around.”
“And who cares about anyone finding out. You don’t run with that set anymore, so what does it matter?”
“I can’t be bothered with analyzing every move I make. Life is sloppy. Sometime you get good and sometimes there’s bad. You just deal.”
“That’s right.”
“No, it’s not right.” the other voice interrupted.
“No! You can’t be here! I won’t listen!”
“Look where you’re going!”
Jim accelerated the speed of the train as if he could outrun the voices in his head. Then he heard a call from the radio.
“Slow down there’s a local train crossing in front of you.”
The operator of the crossing local train honked his horn loudly. Jim jerked out of his trance and put on the brakes, which made a loud squeal that resounded throughout the tunnel. He could feel the car shift as the force pushed him forward. Any passengers who were standing in the other cars were most likely thrown to the floor. Jim was shaken, not by the accident that had almost occurred, but that his solitude within the tunnels could be disturbed. As he waited for the oncoming train to pass, Jim bowed his head and tried to collect his composure. Soon the train had passed and supervision had given Jim the all clear. His hands shook as he put the train into gear again. He started off slowly, leading the train into station up ahead. Jim couldn’t do his job like this. He needed to calm down. He needed an escape from the voice that seemed to follow him everywhere, and now even into his inner sanctum. But what would he find and where would he find it?
Fifty-Three