They were whispering again, but I did my best to ignore them, took a deep breath, and carried my plate to my space by the computer. My appetite was gone, and I wanted nothing more than to bolt out of there, but I supposed that Mrs. Mosely, and the court, would be less than willing to write off my community service if I hadn’t done it.
I logged on to my computer and went back to researching, doing my best to put them out of my mind completely.
I’d plowed through most of the articles about me and had found some other stories of girls in situations similar to mine. One had even killed herself, the bullying had gotten so bad, and I found myself swallowing and swallowing while I read that story, hoping and praying that it didn’t get that bad for me. Hoping and praying that I wouldn’t one horrible day find myself wanting to end it all because someone had sought revenge for something I didn’t even do. All because somebody’s boyfriend or brother or husband had seen me naked. All because people were calling me names that didn’t describe me and saying things about me that weren’t true. All because people were hating on me on message boards and websites and in the comments fields of news stories.
My vision got blurry as I read through the articles. My throat felt dry and I wanted to go home. I didn’t even notice that Mack had gotten up from the semicircle and slid into his usual chair right next to me, gobbling a mini-doughnut, his fingers repetitively clicking the mouse like always.
There was something about him that was mysterious, and kind of frightening, and clearly I wasn’t the only one who felt it. Everyone had gone silent when he’d simply spoken three words earlier. Kenzie and Amber had laid right off me. They’d walked away. They were tough, and clearly they were afraid of Mack. I took him in, from his mess of greasy curls to his ripped denim jacket to his filthy fingernails and huge thighs spread out over the chair. He looked like he could kill a person—the kind of guy you’d cross the street to get away from if he was walking toward you on the sidewalk.
But there was something else about him, too. His eyes, maybe. How they’d looked at me the day of the conversation about regrets. They were bright and glossy, and his face was open and innocent. Under the bulk and the grease and the frowning, growling aura, he seemed… like he cared.
I reached over and touched his sleeve very lightly. “Thanks,” I said. “For what you did earlier.”
He didn’t answer, but for a moment his finger stopped clicking the mouse. It was a pulse, a beat, of acknowledgment, and after the pulse, he continued chewing his mouthful of doughnut and went back to whatever he was clicking on.
AUGUST
Message 29
WTF?! Why would someone do that?! Ur stupid.
Kaleb and I met at the Halloween Ghoul Run 5K in the fall of my sophomore year. Per our team’s tradition, all the guys had dressed in drag. Kaleb was in a blue party dress, the short skirt shifting up with each step, showing a pair of black running shorts underneath. He was wearing a long blond wig and lipstick, but the wig had fallen off somewhere around mile two. I’d been running behind him, a zombie marathon runner, and I bent to pick up his wig and then carried it to the end of the run.
I didn’t know him very well. He was a senior and I was a sophomore, and even though Vonnie hung out with tons of seniors, I didn’t have that same fearlessness. He seemed so much older. And incredibly athletic. His Adam’s apple was prominent and his legs pure muscle, his hips small and square. I’d never seen him without a shirt on, but I guessed his abs were a six-pack.
So my legs quaked and I felt like such a little kid as I held the wig out to him at the water station a few feet past the finish line. Despite my stopping to pick up the wig, I’d finished only three strides behind him.
“Here,” I said, gulping in air, my other hand on my hip.
He poured a cup of water over the top of his head, tossed the empty cup into the trash bin, and gazed at the wig as if he’d never seen it before. “Oh,” he said after a minute, his hand reaching up to rub his wig-free head. “Thanks.” He took the wig out of my hand and tossed it into the bin on top of the used water cup. A drop of water hung heavily on his eyelashes, and only then did I notice how clear and green his eyes were. I’d never been this close to him before. A sweaty, sunny smell radiated off of him. Something about the scent was a total turn-on. “I don’t really need it anymore,” he said. “I like your costume. Zombie. Cool.”
I looked down at my ripped running pants, the T-shirt with tire tracks and dirt smudges clinging to my middle. “Thanks,” I said. “I kind of copped out, though. I’m in running clothes. Got to be a lot harder to run in a dress.”
He grinned. “It was kind of nice, actually. Breezy. I’m thinking about wearing it all the time. To our first meet, for sure.”
He curtsied clumsily, and I couldn’t help smiling.
“You will definitely be noticed if you do,” I said.
Later, as I sat on a curb eating bagels with some girls I knew from the team, he came over and asked for my cell number. Said he liked to keep in touch with all the cross-country team members. Liked to have get-togethers and stuff. But there was something about the way he leaned over me as I wrote my first and last name down on the back of his hand with a red pen that made me feel like he wanted my number for a different reason. I was so giddy at the idea, I couldn’t keep the flirty smile off my face.
He studied what I’d written. “Great. I’ll text you later today, Ashleigh.”
“Okay.”
He paused. “You have a great smile.” And then he jogged off to where some guys were hanging out over by a tent where they were selling pineapple wedges in cups.
And you have a great everything, I thought, and had to force myself not to get up and do a little jumpy dance.
He texted me that night, and pretty much every night after that. At first, we just talked about cross-country and running and meets. But after a while, we started talking about other things, too, like our families and what movies we liked. And then we started flirting a lot. Talking on the phone. Hanging out at school. We went out a few times. He kissed me in the back booth of a diner after a rough meet during which I’d rolled my ankle on a pinecone. We’d been practically inseparable ever since.
And it was perfect. During the school year, we hung out together all the time. We went to movies and played paintball and chilled at his friend Silas’s house playing video games and eating greasy takeout. He met me at my locker between classes. He drove me to school and home again, and we made out in my empty house until Mom called to say she was leaving work and would be home shortly.
But then he graduated. And even though I tried to enjoy myself, to be happy for him, I couldn’t help feeling like this was the beginning of the end for us. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world, and I knew that. But it would feel kind of like the end of the world, anyway. I loved him.
But for a moment during Vonnie’s end-of-summer party, the volleyball game over and Rachel’s nail tragedy a thing of the past, Vonnie drunkenly giggling on her chaise lounge again and a naked photo of me winging its way through cyberspace toward my boyfriend… at least for that moment… I knew I had his full attention.
I knew I had something that his boys would never have. It felt powerful. And when my phone vibrated in my pocket minutes after I’d sent the photo, a jolt of excitement surged through me. He’d received it.
His text simply said: OMG.
And I didn’t know how to answer that. I was too nervous and kind of embarrassed and a little drunk and hyped up, so I simply texted a smiley face and tucked the phone back into my pocket. The bugs were starting to get thick, so we migrated into Vonnie’s house, and we started playing dumb junior high games like spin the bottle and truth or dare and I had to kiss Cheyenne’s foot and someone dared Cody to run up to the highway and moon passing cars and it was all so hilariously stupid I kind of forgot about the picture I’d sent.
The morning after the party, I woke up to my phone vibrating in my pocket again. I rolled over an
d found myself nose to nose with Vonnie’s yellow Lab, Starkey, on Vonnie’s bedroom floor. My head was resting on my gym bag, which I’d at some point brought from the bathroom to her bedroom. My feet were pushed up against Rachel’s stomach; she was crashed half-on and half-off Vonnie’s beanbag chair. Vonnie and Cheyenne were squeezed into Vonnie’s bed. Vonnie had one flip-flop on. Cheyenne was snoring.
I shimmied around so I could dig my phone out of my pocket and checked the screen. It was Kaleb.
LAKE 2DAY?
I groaned inwardly. I felt so waterlogged and beaten up from last night, all I wanted to do was sleep some more. But I missed him. I wanted to see him. I hardly ever got time with him, so no way would I turn down the chance to be with him.
YEP WHEN?
1 HR UR HOUSE
NO VON’S
OK
I rolled onto my back, slid my leg out from under Rachel’s gut, and stretched, rubbing my eyes and wishing I’d drunk some water before bed. At least I had my bikini with me, so I wouldn’t need to go home first.
I blinked at the ceiling for a while, but when my eyes started drooping again, I forced myself to sit up, yawning. I sent my mom a text, telling her I was going to the lake with Kaleb and would be home later, and headed to Vonnie’s bathroom for a shower.
I didn’t need to ask. Vonnie’s house was like my second home, and vice versa. During the summer, I would shower at Vonnie’s house as often as I’d shower at my own. I could use her shampoo, her razor, everything. It was one of the great things about having a best friend like Vonnie. She didn’t care about those kinds of things.
Mom texted me back—LET ME KNOW IF YOU’RE EATING DINNER WITH US—as I padded into the bathroom. I started the shower, shucked out of my clothes, and caught sight of myself in the mirror.
The mirror.
Oh my God.
My stomach dropped as the memory flooded back at me, faint and spotty like a movie I’d seen years ago and couldn’t really remember. But I knew what I’d done. I’d sent Kaleb a picture of myself. Posing naked.
My eyes searched the mirror in disbelief. At once, I was fully awake.
I felt so vulnerable. But in a good way. If he liked it. Dear God, please let him have liked it. That picture must have really surprised him. And as much as I couldn’t believe I’d done it, I was kind of excited about it, too.
I closed my eyes. Less than an hour. In less than an hour I’d see him.
I climbed into the shower, hoping more than anything that he’d liked what he’d seen. It never even occurred to me to think about anything else.
“So, you got anything on under there or you planning to swim naked?” Kaleb asked, pointing to the butter-yellow sundress I’d borrowed from Vonnie’s closet.
I blushed. I could feel the blood rising up my face, making my ears hot. “You never know.”
“Obviously not,” he said, putting the truck into gear and pulling out of Vonnie’s driveway, smiling. “You’re full of surprises.”
I could feel my whole body going warm. He seemed really happy, which was a huge relief. “You liked it?”
He glanced over at me with wide eyes. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Well, I wasn’t sure. Rachel and Von talked me into it.”
He reached over and laced his fingers through mine. “Remind me to thank Rachel and Von.”
A tingling sensation flooded me, part naughtiness, part relief. “I was nervous you’d get mad. Or would hate it.”
He laughed. “Uh… mad was definitely not what I was feeling. More like I wanted to be there at the party instead of at the stupid pizza place with the team.”
I grinned. Mission accomplished. I’d gotten his attention. I’d shown him that I had something to offer that his “boys” definitely did not have. I imagined him sitting around a sticky table, all those sweaty guys chewing with their mouths open and saying stupid things, and then his phone buzzing with a text. A text he’d never expected. I pictured his eyebrows shooting up, and him unable to swallow his pizza. I imagined a secret smile sliding slowly across his face and, in my mind’s eye, when one of his boys noticed it, Kaleb said, Nothing, just a text from Ashleigh. I liked picturing this happening. In a way it was as if I’d stolen a moment with him when I wasn’t supposed to.
“I looked at it about a thousand times last night,” he said. “You really blew me away.” Exactly what I wanted.
We drove in silence for a while, our hands wrapped around each other’s so tightly our palms were sweating. We filled a cooler with sodas and sandwiches, then stopped at his uncle’s house on the way to the lake to borrow his boat. We spent the day on the water, hanging out, soaking up sun, and swimming. I laid out across the front of the boat, and Kaleb stared at me in a way he never had before, and when we stopped in the shade of a secluded cove to eat lunch, our sandwiches and sodas grew warm as we kissed each other instead, our limbs tangled together, his hands searching around and under my bikini. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered into my hair. “You shouldn’t have sent me that picture.”
I stopped, pulled back from him. “Why?”
He grinned, then bent and kissed my collarbone. “Because it only made me want you all the more now. It’s not fair to show me something I can’t have.”
I fake pouted. “Poor baby. But you can have this.” And I pulled him to me for a long, slow kiss.
Afterward, he nuzzled his face into my neck and breathed deep, sprinkling kisses all down my shoulders and chest, right up to my bikini top. He rested his chin on my chest and gazed up at me with his intense eyes. “You don’t have to send me photos like that, Ashleigh. I want to be with you anyway.”
I ran my fingers through his hair. “That’s exactly why I sent it, though,” I said. “I want to be with you, too. I wanted to show you that.”
“Yeah, but what if it got out somehow? I’d have to kick the ass of every guy who laid eyes on it.”
“It’s not going to get out. I only sent it to you. I didn’t even show it to Rachel or Von.”
“Good,” he said, running his finger along my chin. “All that ass-kicking would be so exhausting, and I’d rather do this.” He pressed up against me and kissed me some more.
By the time we headed home, my skin felt tight and sun-drenched, my hair stank of lake water, and my smile reached so far down inside me I felt like I’d never frown again.
Kaleb had a baseball game to go to, but I didn’t even mind. When he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me good-bye, I knew that his “boys” didn’t really matter. Soon they would go their separate ways and I would be the one sticking around. I would be the one he remembered while he was away. I would be the one whose picture he’d be looking at.
Mom was sitting in the den when I came in, frowning over her computer keyboard. She glanced up when I passed by, and pulled her glasses off.
“Hey, stranger,” she said. “You home for the night?”
I rerouted and slipped into the den, sinking into the puffy leather chair beside her desk.
“That’s a cute dress. Vonnie’s?”
I nodded. “Yeah. But it smells like the lake now. I should wash it before I give it back to her.”
Mom smiled. “You have a good time with Kaleb?”
I nodded again, hoping that how much of a good time wasn’t registering on my face. She’d have been disappointed to see me rolling around in a bikini with Kaleb, making out in a boat. What would she say about the photo if she knew about it? I couldn’t even imagine the lecture I’d get. She would totally freak. I made a mental note to erase the photo from my phone as soon as I got upstairs.
“You look tired. Everything fine?”
“Frog fur,” I answered. That was our thing. The way Mom had checked out my mental well-being since as far back as I could remember. It came from something her dad said a lot when she was growing up. If Grampy was having a great day, he’d proclaim he was “fine as frog fur!” If his day wasn’t going the way he wanted it to, he’d s
ay, “I’m fine, but my dandy could sure use a tune-up.” It had always made Mom giggle. So she passed it on to me. She always asked, “Everything fine?” and I was supposed to answer either “Frog fur” or “Dandy needs a tune-up.”
“I’m just tired,” I continued. “Didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“Ah,” she said. “Well, neither did I.” She put her glasses on and turned back to her computer. “Trying to finalize this budget, and it is not coming together. I don’t suppose your father would be willing to trade places with me this week—he can manage the preschool and I’ll run the academic world?”
I wrinkled my nose at her. “Doubt it.”
Dad and Mom had met in college, both of them majoring in education. They’d graduated, gotten married, and Dad had started teaching fifth grade while Mom got a job directing a preschool. After I was born, she took me to preschool with her every day while Dad worked his way up to principal at his elementary school. He’d been principal for almost as long as I could remember, but then last year, when the superintendent had some sort of public breakdown and it was discovered that the school district needed a whole lot of cleaning up, Dad threw his hat in the ring and got the position. Mom loved her job, even though it didn’t pay much, and she loved the little kids she worked with. She always said she was glad it was Dad and not her working for the school district, but she called him Superintendentman and said he was forever “busy saving the world,” and when she said those things there was an air of… something behind her voice. Sarcasm? Jealousy, maybe? Dad’s job was important, and it seemed like we couldn’t go anywhere without someone recognizing him and wanting to talk to him about an issue or a change he’d made.
“Well, then. I suppose I’d better get this budget figured out,” she said now. “Eating dinner with us?”