Hesler shifted in his seat and frowned. “I won’t lie to you. There are…certain side effects to wearing the suit all the time and using it the way we do. When you break the original balance, you invite complications. But we’re working on those and with correct training, yes, it’s entirely possible to never go through your sex cycle again.”
“Good. Because I can’t—I can’t go through a cycle.” K looked at him earnestly. “I could kill someone. I could kill…”
“Boone? Your giant?”
“He’s not mine.” K looked away. “He never was. Not really.”
“Try telling him that,” Hesler said dryly. “In fact, you’ll have to. I promised him you’d see him as soon as I finished debriefing you here.”
“What?” K’s eyes flew up to his steel gray ones. “But I can’t. I shouldn’t. It’s not safe.”
“It’s safe enough as long as you’re still wearing the suit. For now, anyway,” Hesler assured her. “Even with the conditioning broken, it will still go on regulating your hormones for a day or two. You’ll have to train it correctly in order to keep those benefits, but you can go visit his ship and talk to him at least.”
K bit her lip. “You keep talking about ‘training’ my suit. What happens if I don’t? Can’t I just keep it on indefinitely? Not that it would be fair to Boone. If I keep the suit on we can’t…I can’t let him…”
“If the word you’re looking for is ‘contaminate’ then you’re not ready anyway,” Hesler said flatly.
“No, it’s not…not like that anymore,” K protested. “He never actually…we never actually did that. But what we did do…I liked it. More than liked it. But my cycle…”
“Did you reach the third phase?”
She shook her head. “Only the second. But I know what will happen if I take off the suit and let my body continue the cycle. Boone knows too but I don’t think he really understands. If I let my hormones take over and I can’t think anymore…”
“Well, the first cycle can get a little rough but—”
I’m a royal,” K interrupted.
“Ah.” Hesler nodded, a frown creasing his face. “That does complicate things.”
“Even as big as he is, he won’t stand a chance if I go feral,” K said in a low voice. “I’m a trained killer.”
“We all are. It’s the way they conditioned us.” Hesler sounded bitter. “Don’t think… don’t feel… don’t touch… just kill.” He leaned forward. “Do you know how many years it took me to be able to touch anyone voluntarily—the way I touched your face just now? I take no pleasure from it but I can do it. Getting there hasn’t been easy, though.”
“I still don’t want to touch anyone,” K admitted. “No one but Boone, anyway. That’s another reason why I can’t go through my cycle. He’s not Erian and I can’t stand the thought of anyone else…doing that to me.” She shivered.
“Not surprising. I won’t lie to you, Commander K, the Purist conditioning is fucking difficult to overcome. That’s why so many of us choose to just stay in the suit.”
“But that’s the thing, if I can’t take off the suit, Boone and I can’t have…can’t…”
“You can’t make love,” Hesler finished for her gently.
“Right.” K nodded miserably. “And I don’t think it’s fair to ask that of him. From what he’s said to me in the past, it’s considered a very important part of life for most people.”
He barked a short laugh. “That’s an understatement, I’m afraid. A lot of males—it’s all they think about. Females too.” He sighed. “Your head gets jammed up with emotion and lust and you can’t think straight. It’s just easier to turn it off—to let the suit turn it off for you.”
“It’s not fair to ask Boone to live with an emotionless, sexless robot,” K said softly. “And it’s not safe to take off the suit.”
“It won’t be safe to leave it on, either—not until you’ve trained it,” Hesler pointed out.
“What do you mean?” K asked. “You know, Boone is a geneticist. He said that given enough time, he might be able to come up with something to circumvent my cycle.”
Hesler raised an eyebrow. “How long are we talking about?”
K lifted her shoulders. “I don’t know. He just said he needed time.”
“Well, I can tell you that without proper training, a broken or unconditioned skinsuit will give you major complications. And it won’t be able to control your hormone surges either. I’d give you a few hours—half a day max before you start having some very nasty problems.”
“But what if I stayed with you and learned to retrain the suit until Boone had a solution? Would that be possible?”
Hesler shook his head. “I’m sorry, Commander K but the training process takes years and it cannot, under any circumstances, be interrupted. Even if your giant perfected a formula to help you in a month or two, you’d still be stuck in the suit.”
“Why?” K demanded. “What happens if you interrupt the process? If you take off the suit before it’s all the way trained?”
“You’ll die,” Hesler said flatly. “It’s a choice every Paladin has to make when they first break their suit’s conditioning—remain in the suit and undergo the lengthy and arduous training process to subdue it to your will…or take it off at once and never put it on again. I’m sorry, but there’s no in between. Once you start down this road, you can’t deviate. Not if you want to live.”
K felt the last spark of hope she’d had die. “And while I’m wearing the suit, training it, I can’t be with Boone. Not the way he needs me to be with him. Not the way I…I want to be with him.” She looked at Hesler. “Could I at least…touch him?”
The Tainted Captain shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. Not for the first few years, at least. Skin-to-skin touching inhibits the training process.”
K felt sick. “So no touching or sexual activity during training. But if I don’t train my suit—if I take it off and let my cycle resume—I’ll go feral and kill him.”
“It is possible to take it off for sexual activity once it’s trained,” Hesler said. “Some of our people do it. But to be honest, it takes years to learn to touch again, even without the suit on. As I told you, I still don’t enjoy skin-to-skin contact and I don’t think I ever will. And my suit has been well trained for the past five years. Your giant would have to be willing to wait.”
“Wait for years of training and then time after that for me to get used to touching again,” K said, her heart sinking even more. “How many years are we talking about exactly?”
“Five is the minimum,” Hesler said matter-of-factly. “But I’ve seen it take as long as seven solar years to retrain the suit. It depends on the Paladin’s force of will. You strike me as the type who could do it in five. After that…” He shrugged. “It’s anyone’s guess how long it would take you to acclimate to touching again.”
“Five to seven years just for the training,” K echoed. “That’s a prison sentence.” She shook her head, remembering the feel of Boone’s big, warm hands on her bare skin. “It’s not fair to ask Boone to wait that long. Not when he couldn’t even touch me. When I wouldn’t want him touching me.”
“It’s a long time,” Hesler said neutrally. “Only you can decide how long is too long.”
“It’s too long.” K felt a lump in her throat. “I can’t…can’t ask it of him.”
“Well, then,” Hesler said. “You can always stay with us.”
“You’re offering me a place?” K looked up in surprise.
He nodded. “Absolutely. We can always use good people and from what I’ve seen, you’re one of the best.”
“All you’ve seen me do is kill the High Sentinel.” Purity, the words sounded strange in her mouth.
“Exactly,” Hesler said grimly. “And that’s more than enough. You have a place among the Tainted forever for that one simple act, Commander K.”
“I…thank you.” K didn’t know what else to say.
“You’re welcome. There’s no pressure—you can take it or leave it. Just know that if you want to come with us, we’d be pleased to have you.” He rose from the table. “And now let’s get you back to your giant’s ship. He’ll want to hear your decision in person—whatever you decide.”
K shook her head. “There’s no decision to make. As much as it hurts I’ll have to…to leave him.” Her throat felt tight as she said the words but she knew they were the truth. What else could she do?
Hesler nodded. “Like I said, feeling hurts like a sonofabitch. When you get back, we’ll begin your suit’s training. Eventually, you’ll be able to eradicate emotion without clouding your thoughts or judgments. You’ll never have to feel emotional pain again—you’ll be able to turn it off like flipping a switch.”
“I wish you could teach me now,” K whispered. “Would that be possible? Even a little bit? I don’t want to go over there like this…feeling like I do now. It’s going to be so hard…too hard…”
“I’m sorry.” Hesler gave her a sympathetic look. “I wish I could but as I said, it’s a long, arduous process. It takes the first year alone to begin eradicating emotion. And I don’t think your giant will be willing to wait that long to see you again. We’ve only had you over here for one standard hour and they’ve already hailed us five times, wanting to know if you’re all right and when you’re coming back.”
“But I can’t go back. Not to stay.” K felt tears welling up in her eyes again and fought to keep them down. “How can I tell him that? How can I…hurt him like that?”
Hesler sighed. “Hurt him now so you don’t kill him later. Look, I know what you’re going through—the emotional pain. I tried going without the suit myself a few years back. I had it trained perfectly—so perfectly I grew overconfident. I thought I could do without it. I took it off long enough to go through one cycle—just one.” He held up one finger as though to emphasize his point.
“And?” K whispered.
Hesler shook his head. “I can’t…I don’t want to talk about it in detail. But I do know I never want to go through it again. Being without the suit, unable to turn off my emotions—it wasn't good.”
“What about the touching?” K asked. “You said you didn’t enjoy it. But when you go through a cycle…”
“I didn’t enjoy it,” Hesler said grimly. “But I needed it.” He closed his eyes briefly and his deep voice grew strained. “It was the worst kind of Hell. The fucking worst.”
K remembered how she’d felt when Boone had first taken her suit. How frightening it was to need to be touched when the very idea of skin-to-skin contact repelled her. What would it be like to go through that again only this time for years and years? How could she possibly expect Boone to put up with that? Especially after first waiting years for her to train her suit? It was too much to ask of him—too much to ask of anyone.
“It’s better to keep a clear head and a cold heart,” Hesler said, interrupting her dismal thoughts. “The suit’s good for that. That’s all I’ll say.”
“All right.” K rose on shaky legs and took a deep breath. “I’ll just have to do my best then.”
“Look, if it’s too hard, Boone doesn’t need to know you can feel again right now,” Hesler said gently. “Your eyes are still black with the Purist drugs and they will be for awhile yet. Let him think you feel nothing and that’s why you’re leaving him.”
“And…you think that will help?”
Hesler nodded. “Stay calm and cool, like you would in a combat situation. If you start crying and letting your emotions show, things are only going to get harder and messier.” He shook his head grimly. “Believe me—I know.”
“All right.” K nodded and took a deep breath. I can do this, she told herself. For Boone’s sake, I have to do this. “I’m ready,” she told Hesler. “Let’s go.”
Chapter Thirty
The comlink hissed, distracting Boone from his pacing.
“What? What is it?” he demanded, addressing the small box on the wall.
“She’s baaack,” Loki’s voice trilled with a faint crackle of static. “She’s headed your way. I sent her to your room.”
“Finally!” Boone turned toward the door just as it slid open.
There was K, her slim body still encased in the black skinsuit. Her eyes were black, her face impassive. For a moment Boone didn’t know what to say.
“K—” He took a step toward her and then another and another. She didn’t offer to meet him halfway. She just stood there. He went to her anyway. “K, sweetheart…” Boone enfolded her in his arms, holding her the way he had so many times when she needed his touch to keep from shaking herself apart.
It was like hugging a block of ice.
Finally, he stepped away.
“I trust your sister is safe?” she said coldly.
“She is. We intercepted the ship you sent her out on. She’s sedated and sleeping in her room, thanks to you,” Boone replied. “Why did you—”
“I can only stay a moment,” she interrupted, her voice cool and flat. Emotionless.
“Only stay a moment? What are you talking about?” Boone looked at her uncertainly. “Where do you plan on going?”
“Captain Hesler has offered me a place among the Tainted.” K’s black-on-black eyes shifted away from his for a second. “It seems likely to be the best offer I’ll get. Logically, I should take it.”
“To hell with that!” Boone exploded, his hands balled into fists. “I knew I shouldn’t have let him take you for ‘debriefing.’ Brainwashing is more like it!”
“He did nothing but give me my options and offer me a place among my own kind,” K said coldly.
“Your place is here—with me,” Boone protested.
K arched an eyebrow at him. “For what purpose? I have no place among your crew. There is no duty or function I perform for you that cannot be filled by another.”
“That’s not true. There is a place no one but you can fill.” Boone put a fist to his heart. “It’s here, darlin’. Right here.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Boone. I understand that you have emotions for me but I have none for you. Not anymore.”
“That can’t be true,” he said fiercely. Taking her by the shoulders he looked down into her bottomless black eyes. “I refuse to believe it. I saw the look on your face—heard you cry out when you shot that old bastard, the High Sentinel. You told me about him once before, K—he was a sonofabitch but he was also the closest thing you had to a father and a mentor. Shooting him hurt you and it wouldn’t have hurt if you didn’t still have feelings.”
“Boone—” She looked away from him.
“You wouldn’t have done it,” Boone continued stubbornly, ducking his head to catch her eyes again. “Wouldn’t have shot him if those feelings weren’t for me.”
She stepped away from his touch. “It’s true, I did experience a burst of emotion at the moment I pulled the trigger. But I’m afraid it was the very last emotion I had to give. Rather like…” She paused for a moment, as though trying to think of a way to explain. “Rather like a star going nova. It gives one last brilliant burst of energy and radiation just before it dies.”
Boone’s shoulders sagged and he felt sick. “So you’re saying…”
“The feelings I experienced when I killed the High Sentinel rather than you were the last I’ll ever feel. My capacity for emotion has been reached. I can no longer feel anything as much…” She cleared her throat. “As much as you might wish me to.”
“It’s because of that Goddamn suit.” Boone reached for her again, itching to tear the sticky black webbing away from her slender frame. “I only put one on for a half hour, you know, just to come get you off that damn rock. It was modified but it still messed with my mind. If you’ll just take the damn thing off—”
“That’s close enough.” Suddenly there was a blaster in her hand. “You know I can’t take it off and you know why.”
“I can help you with that
. I’ve been working on a solution.”
She appeared to consider for a moment. “Are you certain it will work?”
“Well, no,” Boone had to admit. “But with a few more months of testing, I—”
“That’s not good enough,” K interrupted. “I don’t have that kind of time, Boone.”
“What are you talking about? You’ve got the suit on and your hormones appear to be in check—why is there suddenly a time limit?” he demanded.
“I…” K shook her head. “Never mind, it’s not important. Besides, taking off the suit would do no good. I told you, I can’t feel anything anymore. With or without it.”
“I don’t believe that,” Boone said thickly. “I don’t believe you don’t care. That you don’t love me the way I love you.”
“You told me once you would teach me what love is,” K said, her tone a little softer. “I…I’m sorry I never got to learn from you, Boone. But it’s too late now.” She lowered her blaster. “I have to go. The other Tainted are waiting.”
“You’re not one of the Tainted.” His voice was hoarse in his own ears and his throat felt tight but he made himself go on. “You’re not a Paladin or a princess or any of the other things everyone else has tried to make you into.”
“Then what do you say I am?” Her eyes were still blank and black but her voice was barely a whisper.
“You’re just K. You’re the woman I love.” Boone felt like his heart was breaking, like something inside him was melting…dying. His eyes were stinging. “I swear to God, K, if you leave me now…don’t leave. Just…don’t. I love you.”
“I have to.” She lifted her chin. “I have…nothing else to offer you. I fear nothing. I…I feel nothing.”
“I don’t believe that.” But his voice was barely more than a whisper.
“It’s true,” she insisted. “I’m sorry, Boone. I have to go—for both our sakes.”
Lifting her chin, she turned and pressed the latch to open the door. The metal panel slid open with a hiss…
And she walked out of his life forever.