CHAPTER VII.
THE WISDOM OF THOLOMY?S.
At length, when all were singing noisily, or talking all together,Tholomy?s interfered.
"Let us not talk hap-hazard or too quickly," he exclaimed; "we mustmeditate if we desire to be striking; too much improvisation stupidlyempties the mind. Gentlemen, no haste; let us mingle majesty with ourgayety, eat contemplatively, and let _festina lente_ be our rule. Wemust not hurry. Look at the Spring; if it goes ahead too fast it isfloored, that is to say, nipped by frost. Excessive zeal ruins thepeach and apricot trees; excessive zeal kills the grace and joy of gooddinners. No zeal, gentlemen; Grimaud de la Reyni?re is of the sameopinion as Talleyrand."
A dull rebellion broke out in the party.
"Tholomy?s, leave us at peace," said Blachevelle.
"Down with the tyrant!" said Fameuil.
"Sunday exists," Listolier added.
"We are sober," Fameuil remarked again.
"Tholomy?s," said Blachevelle, "contemplate my calmness" (_mon calme._)
"You are the Marquis of that ilk," Tholomy?s replied. This poor punproduced the effect of a stone thrown into a pond. The Marquis deMontcalm was a celebrated Royalist at that day. All the frogs weresilent.
"My friends," Tholomy?s shouted with the accent of a man who isrecapturing his empire, "recover yourselves: too great stupor shouldnot greet this pun which has fallen from the clouds, for everythingthat falls in such a manner is not necessarily worthy of enthusiasmand respect. Far be from me to insult puns: I honor them according totheir deserts, and no more. All the most august, sublime, and charmingin humanity and perhaps beyond humanity have played upon words. Christmade a pun on Saint Peter, Moses on Isaac, ?schylus on Polynices, andCleopatra on Octavius. And note the fact that Cleopatra's pun precededthe battle of Actium, and that, were it not for that pun, no one wouldknow the town of Toryne, a Greek word signifying a potladle. Thisgranted, I return to my exhortation. Brethren, I repeat, no zeal, norow, no excess, even in witticisms, gayeties, merriments, and playingupon words. Listen to me, for I possess the prudence of Amphiaralisand the baldness of C?sar; there should be a limit even to the rebus._Est modus in rebus_. There should be a limit even to dinners; youare fond of apple-puffs, ladies, but no abuse; even in the matterof apple-puffs, good sense and art are needed. Gluttony chastisesthe glutton. _Gula punit gulax_. Indigestion was sent into the worldto read a lecture to our stomachs; and, bear this in mind, each ofour passions, even love, has a stomach which must not be filled toofull. In all things, we must write betimes the word _finis_, we mustrestrain ourselves when it becomes urgent, put a bolt on our appetites,lock up our fancy, and place ourselves under arrest. The wise man ishe who knows how, at a given moment, to arrest himself. Place someconfidence in me: it does not follow because I know a little law, as myexaminations prove; because I have supported a thesis in Latin as tothe mode in which torture was applied at Rome at the time when MunatiusDemens was _qu?stor parricid?_; and because I am going to be a Doctorat Law, as it seems,--it does not necessarily follow, I say, that I aman ass. I recommend to you moderation in your desires. As truly as myname is F?lix Tholomy?s, I am speaking the truth. Happy the man who,when the hour has struck, forms an heroic resolve, and abdicates likeSylla or Origen."
Favourite was listening with profound attention. "F?lix!" she said,"what a pretty name; I like it. It is Latin, and means happy."
Tholomy?s continued,--
"Gentlemen, be suspicious of women; woe to the man who surrendershimself to a woman's fickle heart; woman is perfidious and tortuous,and detests the serpent from professional jealousy. It is the shopopposite."
"Tholomy?s," Blachevelle shouted, "you are drunk."
"I hope so!"
"Then be jolly."
"I am agreeable," Tholomy?s answered. And filling his glass, he rose.
"Glory to wine! _nunc te, Bacche, canam_! Pardon, ladies, that isSpanish, and the proof, Se?oras, is this: as the country is, so is themeasure. The arroba of Castille contains sixteen quarts, the cantaroof Alicante twelve, the almuda of the Canary Isles twenty-five, thecuartino of the Balearic Isles twenty-six, and Czar Peter's bootthirty. Long live the Czar who was great, and his boot which wasgreater still! Ladies, take a friend's advice; deceive your neighbor,if you think proper. The peculiarity of love is to wander, and it isnot made to crouch like an English servant girl who has stiff kneesfrom scrubbing. It is said that error is human; but I say, erroris amorous. Ladies, I idolize you all. O Z?phine, you with yourseductive face, you would be charming were you not all askew; yourface looks for all the world as if it had been sat upon by mistake.As for Favourite, O ye Nymphs and Muses! one day when Blachevellewas crossing the gutter in the Rue Gu?rin-Boisseau, he saw a prettygirl with white, well-drawn-up stockings, who displayed her legs.The prologue was pleasing, and Blachevelle fell in love; the girl heloved was Favourite. O Favourite, you have Ionian lips; there was aGreek painter of the name of Euphorion, who was christened the painterof lips, and this Greek alone would be worthy to paint your mouth.Listen to me: before you there was not a creature deserving of thename; you are made to receive the apple like Venus, or to eat it likeEve. Beauty begins with you, and you deserve a patent for inventing apretty woman. You alluded to my name just now; it affected me deeply,but we must be distrustful of names, for they may be deceptive. Myname is F?lix, and yet I am not happy. Let us not blindly accept theindications they give us; it would be a mistake to write to Li?ge forcorks, or to Pau for gloves.[1] Miss Dahlia, in your place I wouldcall myself Rose, for a flower ought to smell agreeably, and a womanhave spirit. I say nothing of Fantine, for she is a dreamer, pensiveand sensitive; she is a phantom, having the form of a nymph, and themodesty of a nun, who has strayed into the life of a grisette, buttakes shelter in illusions, and who sings, prays, and looks at theblue sky, without exactly knowing what she sees or what she does, andwho, with her eyes fixed on heaven, wanders about a garden in whichthere are more birds than ever existed. O Fantine, be aware of thisfact: I, Tholomy?s, am an illusion--why, the fair girl of chimer? isnot even listening to me! All about her is freshness, suavity, youth,and sweet morning brightness. O Fantine, girl worthy to be calledMargaret or Pearl, you are a woman of the fairest East. Ladies, hereis a second piece of advice; do not marry, for marriage is a risk, andyou had better shun it. But nonsense! I am wasting my words! girls areincurable about wedlock; and all that we sages may say will not preventwaistcoat-makers and shoebinders from dreaming of husbands loaded withdiamonds. Well, beauties, be it so: but bear this in mind, you eat toomuch sugar. You have only one fault, O women, and that is nibblingsugar. O rodent sex, your pretty little white teeth adore sugar. Now,listen to this: sugar is a salt, and salts are of a drying nature,and sugar is the most drying of all salts. It pumps out the fluidityof the blood through the veins; this produces first coagulation andthen solidifying of the blood; from this come tubercles in the lungs,and thence death. Hence do not nibble sugar, and you will live. I nowturn to my male hearers: Gentlemen, make conquests. Rob one another ofyour well-beloved ones remorselessly; change partners, for, in lovethere are no friends. Whenever there is a pretty woman, hostilities areopened; there is no quarter, but war to the knife! a pretty woman is a_casus belli_ and a flagrant offence. All the invasions of history wereproduced by petticoats; for woman is the lawful prey of man. Romuluscarried off the Sabine women, William the Saxon women, and C?sar theRoman women. A man who is not loved soars like a vulture over themistresses of other men: and for my part, I offer all these unfortunatewidowers, Bonaparte's sublime proclamation to the army of Italy:'Soldiers, you want for everything; the enemy possesses it.'"
Here Tholomy?s broke off.
"Take a breather, my boy," said Blachevelle.
At the same time the other three gentlemen struck up to a doleful airone of those studio-songs, as destitute of sense as the motion of atree or the sound of the wind, which are composed extemporaneously,either in rhyme or prose, which spring up from the smoke of pipes,and fly away with
it. The song was not adapted to calm Tholomy?s'inspiration; hence he emptied his glass, filled it again, and beganonce more.
"Down with wisdom! forget all I have said to you. Be neither prudish,nor prudent, nor _prud'hommes._ I drink the health of jollity: so letus be jolly. Let us complete our legal studies by folly and good food,for indigestion should run in a curricle with digests. Let Justinianbe the male and merriment the female! Live, O creation; the world isone large diamond; I am happy, and the birds are astounding. What afestival all around us; the nightingale is a gratis Elleviou. Summer,I salute thee. O Luxembourg! O ye Georgics of the Rue Madame and theAll?e de l'Observatoire! O ye dreaming soldiers! O ye delicious nurses,who, while taking care of children, fancy what your own will be like!the Pampas of America would please me if I had not the arcades of theOd?on. My soul is flying away to the Virgin forests and the savannas.All is glorious: the flies are buzzing in the light; the sun hassneezed forth the humming-bird. Kiss me, Fantine!"
He made a mistake and kissed Favourite.
[Footnote 1: An untranslatable pun based on _ch?ne-li?ge_ and _peau_.]