Note 92
* QU is this reasoning too bad?
Note 93
* [jrf2] Why is the alien worth saving — for Peregrine and Scriber?? Give some reason here or before
* [vsv] June 1, 1991 I think I have now (back when Jaqueramaphan first suggests they approach the battle field)
Note 94
* QU Is the pacifist nature of Scar clear enough (even though he fights well once started?)
Note 95
* [jrf] How do we know the conclusion of the preceding sentence already?
Note 96
* pRB Clotted image repetitious with a scene at Woodcarvers
Maybe I should just say “floated thick”?
* CHKd sp cobblestones
Note 97
* [ur] : Is this segue from (and to and from) historical present okay:
* [vsv] ID QU PRB INCON how about the use of lines in battle
* INCON note. This is another example supporting “mind reading” interrogation techniques among the Tines. Note that it doesn’t conflict with your Dawkins analysis
* pRB But these really aren’t a closed ring
Note 98
* small PRB Seems like he could have seen the castle before.
* mARK 03Jun89
Note 99
* PRB Implausibilities about the escape: That there are no unattached boats
Praps they’re behind the multimaran? There is the implication of that as they pull out of the harbor
This might also explain why they don’t have a loose boat to pick
That it’s easy to drag the edge of the scuttle line across the gap created by their departure
Probably should be more than one multimaran in the harbor
NO : PRO write Use the phrase “little two-hull” somewhere
Probably the best thing is to have their boat be an obvious scout, ahead of the multimaran. And have the multimaran blocking others
At some point call this multimaran a “troop ship”
PRO Also, the terms “composite ship” and “member” and “component”
* [vsv] Yes: maybe should drop the term multimaran
Note 100
* PRB ?Make it clearer where
Note 101
* [vsv] June 1, 1991 CHK consistency of these colors June 11, 1991 I think I only use the “presence banner” in this chapter. Later in the book, “gold and silver” are said to be the epaulet colors of Flenserist Lords
Note 102
* this assassination needs a little rETRO writing
Note 103
* [vsv] June 1, 1991 CHK that you use “soul’s end” elsewhere June 11, 1991 Only once, c11 (and that is by shoe horn)
Note 104
* [vsv] INCON should use telescopes in the final battle of the book
Note 105
* [jrf2] What does “Incalling” mean? June 11, 1991 : See Tyrathect in c13
* qU Why can’t they just use the gap created by the first?
Note 106
* Hmm. I really think it’s okay now. Here is a place where you might be explicit that info is coming from Scar. In any case, you should do some explicit mention somewhere up to here.
Note 107
* [vsv] QU to use Incalling someplace else in the book Perhaps Steel could use the term in talking about what he does
June 11, 1991 now you have Tyrathect use it (with implication that it is a type of inspection) in c13. You could conceivably use it in c37 (in reference to executions) but at this time have not done so
* CHK on sailboat terminology (shroud looks roughly right according to webster) Bucky Cameron or Gordon would be a good person to talk to Eg,how many sails, the names, how they might be used for these maneuvers how the maneuvers would be accomplished term for “left turn” gunnel??? Would they really use leather to lash the bimarans into a multimaran?
* [vsv] Used new term instead: “braid-bone” (and also used in c30 June 11, 1991
* [hld] Leather would be a bad material for rope, too much change of character when it gets wet
Note 108
* DEL eted: FRAG: It wasn’t as fast as the boats of the far South, but it could beat any composite ship in the world…. certainly any ship with its bow members sunk.
* mARK 03Jun89 prb webster says “to pirouette” is intransitive and involves a full turn
* [jrf2] [ur] ? short illegible questioning of “haze”
Note 109
* [jrf2] Clarify “overhauling”; it has two meanings
* QU Is the geometry and positioning clear?
Note 110
* [jrf] again bothered by “members”. Maybe capitalize the special use?
* [jrf2] “flip a member” confusing. How does one do this? (This is an instance where “member” seems to mean something else.)
Note 111
* RETRO write? It might increase plausibility if earlier you hint at this special reassurance from Scar
Note 112
* [vsv] QU How incongruous (inconsistent) do you find it that I make little other use in the story of the ‘telepathic’ information transfer that the merging with Scar shows is (sometimes) possible?
* NÆH jrf2 Let’s talk about this “telepathy” issue
BKG PRB PRO write Do you really want them to be able to make really loud noises. If so, does this include in the ultrasonic? If they can make loud noises, this should be of some significance in dealing with humans
Note 113
* was 03.txt, p43
* [jrf2] Clarify Peregrine’s intentions re this “find” earlier (or intimate his intentions)
Note 114
* ID Hey for maximum dispersion, the balconies should be at the corners of the room! PRO write, too
Note 115
* INCON ? So it looks like they took Jefri across before Peregrine got to the harbor. This contradicts his speculation (and also implies that there was at least one free boat.)
* mARK 04Jun89 Interesting: Capelens has norsk for bumpety-bump (humping or skumping)
Note 116
* 33[4] = 15[10] 33[10]
* QU Who is the “builder of the castle”: Flenser; should anything be PRO written about these different use of number bases?
* [vsv] eg, “too dumb to count by fore-claws”
in c12, Woodcarver uses the phrase “counting by fore-claws”, but I think that it is the only other reference June 11, 1991
* QU is this course of history thing okay (cf beginning of Chapter 2)
* [vsv] June 11, 1991 TUF : June 2, 1991 Size of doors doesn’t quite match your MODE s insight
Note 117
* PRO write that the “whitewash” is sound absorbant
I changed it to quilting instead (more consistent with the rest of story)
Is this enough of a solution?
Note 118
* iNCON How come he didn’t see the carnage outside the boat?
* INCON that they would have to live in barracks in such a high Zone
* [jrf] in reply to the incon questions: Maybe they don’t have to live in barracks, but in a high-tension project, it makes sense to keep them together
&
nbsp; Note 119
* QU Do dogs have litter boxes? Would such be used by Straumers?
* [jrf] NO ; get rid of later reference to litter boxes
* [jrf2] Right about here, all his remembering should make him cry!
Note 120
* [jrf2] laughter is okay. Crying can turn to laughter. Needs to cry, then transition
Norsk: å skrike to scream, shout, yell
Note 121
* [jrf2] Here he would have to keep from crying again
* [vsv] I don’t think fear would make him cry here, though
Note 122
* [jrf] IMP thinks Jefri adjusts to Amdi too quickly, that he’d be a bit more weirded out
Note 123
* [jrf2] His emotions would be running high> and volatile. In the preceding paragraph, why wouldn’t he be more wary, scared, angry?
They do have external ears! INCON see /BLABBER/EAR.TMP
* [vsv] And distinguish between low sound ears and mind ears This should be discussed in TINES.TXT, too
* INCON How about clothes for Amdi
He’s all child and an experiment. This together with the fact that clothes aren’t quite as necessary are my justification for him being naked here. Also I corroboratively mention his acquiring clothes in c15.
INCON How to they keep this room warm?
Note 124
* [jrf2] TUF jrf2 questions “sea’mal”
Note 125
* mARK 04Jun89
Note 126
* FRAG They didn’t hang their tongues like the dogs Jefri knew.
Note 127
* QU Now are you saying “gobbling” too much?
Note 128
* QU Is this notion too repetitious (false happy estimates) (cf Johanna’s thought just before the ambush)
* [vsv] Do get rid of the prescient comment of Johanna’s in c03
Note 129
* [jrf2] Did Jefri miss the whole ambush? What does he think happened??
Note 130
* CHAR CHRON This implies that Steel is about 27 years old
* mARK 04Jun89
* PRB There should be some tip-of-the-hat to unique/important nature of the landing of the humans. Probably the place to put it is in the first exchange between Tyrathect and Steel. This also servers to show Steel’s initial assessment of the landing. CHKd Properties of Steel
Note 131
* [jrf] confused by term “kenner” in first appearance —
[vsv] June 11, 1991 but I use it a lot all through the book
* PRB with using present tense here
Note 132
* PRO write “send into silence” c12)
Note 133
* [vsv] May 31, 1991 Capitalize “whitejackets”? NO and it should be one word (June 11, 1991 based on most consistent usage elsewhere)
Note 134
* [vsv] to make it more reasonable later about gender usage, might make it 2m3f? QU NO , 09Feb91
Hmm, or maybe you should just use “he” when others refer to the pack ie, that the femaleness was the surprising secret of Tyra’s identity I think this is what I originally had in mind, anyway
Note 135
* PRB ? Some may ask how this could ever happen
Note 136
* BKG bobbing associated with grinning? PRO write, if so.
Note 137
* CHK TINES BKG CHRON 1100 miles to Capital; 8weeks ago
Note 138
* [vsv] June 4, 1991 IMP note about CHAR Tyrathect’s appearance here:
Note 139
* INCON — ok, I think 02Feb91 BKG Months?
Note 140
* here is where r1.txt should go, 04.txt, p55-75, and the first part of 05.txt p76-92
Note 141
* [vsv] still need more on why Ravna decided to come
* NÆH : small matter: the stutter
Note 142
* [ur] Using w.bat and wc.com to do 1500words/day
Note 143
* [ur] MG PRB QU Figures the Zone explanation falls just short of adequate for the naive reader
* [vsv] [ur] Is this still a problem?
Note 144
* [vsv] [ur] FRAG s that I would like to incorporate somewhere:
Mechanical translators were plentiful — and this high in the Beyond, they worked quite well. But there was something very deceptive about hearing the whistles and coughs of an alien language translated into Samnorsk. Times came out very conveniently in hours and months and days and seconds; whatever cultural meaning there was behind the terms in the original was lost. Similarly with names and distances and ages. She was tempted to leave full glossing turned on, where every reference would be annotated, where instead of “about three hours” she might hear “0.35 base 8 times the half period of the third moon”.
Note 145
* ? IMP BKG is in 05.txt
* ID 17Sep89 Could have some sidebars as machine to machine
Several things could be done with these, depending on the degree of weirdness you want
I actually thought of it originally as a means of giving background stuff, say about the corpus callosum (then could show how that integrated with a conversation between Ravna and others)
* PRB INCON about use of gender in pronouns when humans of Nyjoran descent are speaking For instance, how come do the Skroderiders use “sir” when addressing Ravna?
PRB Somewhere want to make it clear/plausible that the link bandwidth on the Known Net is not greater than on the 1990 Internet
* PRB QU Is it a good Big John principle to have the stuff at the Top be more extreme than nanotech, essentially unexplainable? I’m against this (though something like such might be the case in the the Transcend). If I go the supersuper route, then I have to talk of headbands in the Middle Beyond. I would like to get by with nanotech that wears out
* [ur] QU IMP Are the Zone constraints sufficiently clear?
* [ur] or says they are just short of being sufficiently clear
* TITLE “The Man Who Never Was” [collision] TITLE The legend that was made Some JLC TITLE s: Legendary … Legends on the Net Distributed Legends
* ID for much later: Could have Ravna comfort Pham by pointing out that there was some kind of original and that it must have been pretty sharp (since X’s resuscitation was performed in the Middle Beyond)
* [vsv] SEQ ID: maybe there was something special about Nyjora that made matriarchy more likely QU ask consultants for possibilities: Plague Plague that makes males weak War animals that only women can ride? Plague of male dementia
* [vsv] Previous scene was Tyrathect/Steel
Note 146
* [ur] single line space deleted for now January 26, 1991
* [jdv] In developing Ravna’s character, maybe she was fascinated with historical myth of the Age of Princesses
Gives opportunity to say something substantive about that era
* [vsv] I have tried to do this some; improvement still possible
Note 147
* Some general comments about these Net News items: I have gone through and eliminated the systematic obscurities that you pointed out. (Th
ere are a couple of jabberwocky terms in this first news item. I have put “?” after them in the the translation.)
* I will try to have Ravna comment about jabberwocky translation early on. — not done so soon, unfortunately June 11, 1991
* [jrf2] good!
* [vsv] I have also moved the News items around to improve the pacing (and I think this also responds to some of your suggestions about having earlier contact with Jefri, and not having too many messages in a row). I wrote these News items just as I was writing the story. They have held up fairly well, but I intend to go back over them and fine tune the content. Hopefully this will explain away inconsistencies and maybe even make the overall point of the story clearer. Suggestions welcome.
* [vsv] NOTE to copyeditor: There should be some special font and layout for these Net News items
The special font can be anything, but I would prefer a monospace font (such as Courier). At least this sets the message text off from the rest of the story.
* [vsv] PRB Unfortunately, this message stuff looks terribly anachronistic, the sort of on-growing anachronism that is common in science fiction.