mad maddie:
oh, angela, no.
SnowAngel:
but it’s really really cute! the long-sleeve part is white and the short-sleeve part is baby blue to match my eyes.
mad maddie:
next thing u know, ur gonna be buying fake vintage t-shirts from old navy. ppl will say, “ooo, where’d u get that great shirt? have u really been to bob’s hawaiian luau?” and u’ll blush and stammer and say, “uh, no, i found it at a thrift store,” which will be such a lie! UR LIVING A LIE, ANGELA SILVER!!!
SnowAngel:
well, it’s my aunt sadie’s fault. she’s the one who whisked me off to the mall. she said i needed some good old-fashioned girl time.
mad maddie:
that’s nice, altho it’s a little unnerving that your aunt sadie considers herself a “girl.”
SnowAngel:
as opposed to what, a man?
mad maddie:
as opposed to a WOMAN. as in, a grown-up adult-acting person our parents’ age. not that u’d know it to look at her.
SnowAngel:
i know—isn’t she adorable? she shops in Gap Kids cuz the jeans there r cheaper, and she’s tiny enough that she can get away with it. i wanna be just like her when i grow up.
mad maddie:
or when u fail to grow up, as the case may be. lemme guess: your aunt played hooky from work to take u shopping.
mad maddie:
did i nail it?
SnowAngel:
maybe
mad maddie:
and did she have all sorts of funky barrettes jammed in her hair? and was she wearing her hipster shoes with the mile-high platforms?
SnowAngel:
so? what would u recommend—turning all matronly and wearing rubber-soled orthopedic loafers? *shudders*
mad maddie:
i’m just giving u a hard time. u know i think your aunt sadie is cool.
SnowAngel:
we had so much fun at Claire’s, trying on all the tacky jewelry. i bought a sparkly dragonfly pin to go with my shirt-on-shirt.
mad maddie:
well, aren’t u clever
SnowAngel:
why, yes i am
SnowAngel:
hey, i’m gonna rewatch season one of “orange is the new black” since it’s about prison and since i’m … well … you know. wanna come watch?
mad maddie:
oh, that reminds me. chive posted something funny on his blog. hold on and i’ll copy it so u can c …
SnowAngel:
chive has a blog?
mad maddie:
a deadjournal, yeah
SnowAngel:
what’s a deadjournal?
mad maddie:
it’s like a livejournal, only better. instead of having “friends,” u have “fiends,” and your blog’s called your grave. the whole site is called the cemetery.
SnowAngel:
sounds goth
mad maddie:
nah, just antiestablishment
mad maddie:
here’s his post. it’s not about “orange is the new black.” it’s about reality shows. but it’s still funny:
Hey, I know. Let’s take a group of twenty-something “actors” and let them pretend to live their lives as if they don’t know they’re being filmed. Fake-boobed Jersey girl gets punched in face? Check. Famous “model” throws a tantrum in small room crammed with a dozen other famous “models”? Check. “Hunky” bachelor falls in love with not one but TWO lovely ladies? Check.
But so what? It’s all in the name of “fun”!
SnowAngel:
why is he so obsessed with putting things in “quotes”?
SnowAngel:
anyway, how does “chive” know so much about reality shows if he doesn’t watch them?
mad maddie:
i know, that’s what’s so funny. chive LOVES reality shows—he just rags on them for the hell of it. in fact he thinks u should move to orange county instead of el cerrito. then you cld be a “TV STAR”!
SnowAngel:
um. okay.
SnowAngel:
i’ll run away and live in an alley on hollywood blvd.
mad maddie:
u, run away? and be separated from your straightening iron?
SnowAngel:
i could stash my straightening iron in my backpack. public bathrooms have electrical outlets, u know.
mad maddie:
no they don’t
SnowAngel:
yes they do
mad maddie:
no, angela, they don’t. trust me.
SnowAngel:
well … then i’d find a library and do my hair there. there are definitely outlets in libraries, cuz ppl use their laptops there.
mad maddie:
i can c it now. to the right are the studious computer folk, working hard on their papers, and to the left is angela, plunked down on the floor and straightening her hair.
SnowAngel:
and the problem is …?
mad maddie:
sorry, darlin, u wouldn’t last a minute as a runaway.
SnowAngel:
*sticks out tongue*
SnowAngel:
so r u gonna come watch with me or not?
mad maddie:
i can’t—i told chive i’d hang with him. we’re gonna watch “doctor who” and down a shot every time someone says “the doctor.”
mad maddie:
but tell those prison hotties hi for me!
Fri, Dec 3, 4:15 PM E.S.T.
zoegirl:
hey mads. i’m at my mom’s office, sitting in the most phenomenal swivel chair ever invented. can i have a swivel chair like this when i grow up?
mad maddie:
depends. r u gonna be a high-powered lawyer like your mom and make tons of money?
zoegirl:
uh …
mad maddie:
i, for one, plan to reject all worldly objects. u can come visit me in my trailer if you want. i will have christmas lights blinking all year long.
mad maddie:
so wazzup?
zoegirl:
have you ever heard of
zoegirl:
ok, this is embarrassing. i don’t know how to say it. which is why i’m txting it.
zoegirl:
but have you ever heard of girls, like, pleasuring themselves by jiggling their legs?
mad maddie:
WHAT?!!
mad maddie:
omg, i am rolling on the floor, just so you know. just exactly how phenomenal IS that swivel chair?
zoegirl:
maddie! not *me*! god!
mad maddie:
and the term is “masturbating,” zoe. u can say it. mas-tur-bat-ing.
zoegirl:
fyi, i don’t do that. sometimes i wish i could, but i can’t, so that’s that.
mad maddie:
what do u mean, u can’t?
zoegirl:
i can’t, that’s all
mad maddie:
r u serious?
zoegirl:
this is not actually what i texted to talk about. but yes, i’m serious.
zoegirl:
can u?
mad maddie:
can i MASTURBATE?
mad maddie:
uh, zoe, where is your mom? she’s not in the room with u, is she?
zoegirl:
yes, she’s standing right behind me and i’m reading our texts aloud.
zoegirl:
she’s in a meeting, dummy! i’ve been stuck at her office *forever* because we’re meeting my dad for dinner.
mad maddie:
well, in that case … yes, i can pleasure myself quite nicely, thank u very much. and i’m only telling u that cuz ur one of my dearest friends on the planet. but don’t go asking for lessons.
zoegirl:
oh, gross!
mad maddie:
what brought this u
p? what’s this “jiggling their legs” business?
zoegirl:
grrrrrrrrrrr
zoegirl:
chase dickinson, during french. he looked over at me and started cracking up, and i was like, “what? what are you laughing about?”
zoegirl:
he jerked his chin at my legs, which happened to be crossed, and he said, “i know why girls do that.”
zoegirl:
“do *what*?” i said.
zoegirl:
and he goes, “jiggle your leg like that.”
mad maddie:
WERE u jiggling your leg?
zoegirl:
maybe. i don’t know. but so what if i was? i wasn’t doing … what he said i was doing!
mad maddie:
don’t let it bother u. he’s an immature freak.
zoegirl:
i couldn’t have been doing that even if i wanted to, not that i *ever* would have been doing it right there in french. i mean, god. but sometimes i think there’s something wrong with me, maddie. why doesn’t my body work the way other people’s do?
mad maddie:
hmm, cuz ur repressed?
mad maddie:
uh oh, ur not responding
mad maddie:
i was KIDDING, zoe!
zoegirl:
that was not a nice thing to say
mad maddie:
i’m sorry, i’m sorry. i was just teasing.
zoegirl:
i don’t want to be repressed. i just think … i don’t know. that some girls are more naturally sexual than others. like you.
mad maddie:
chive told me i’m sexy. he said i have great legs.
zoegirl:
you do have great legs. you have great everything.
zoegirl:
are you *sure* the two of you aren’t becoming an item? angela said you watched “Doctor Who” with him last night.
mad maddie:
yeah, and i totally made a fool of myself. not during the show, but after.
zoegirl:
uh oh. what happened?
mad maddie:
one of chive’s friends from northside was there, a girl named whitney, and she was all over chive. it was disgusting. and i guess i was a little …
mad maddie:
i dunno. but somehow i ended up getting paired off with this guy named brannen, who also goes to n’side.
zoegirl:
what do u mean, paired off?
mad maddie:
the four of us were out by the pool, which was closed, but we climbed over the fence. whitney was like, “i’ll kiss chive, and u kiss brannen, ok?”
zoegirl:
she calls him “chive” too?
mad maddie:
everybody does now. i love that.
zoegirl:
if you’re the one who came up with his nickname, and you’re the one who likes him, then *you* should get to kiss him.
mad maddie:
i know! but whitney already claimed him, so what was i supposed to do?
mad maddie:
anywayz, who cares? bodies r bodies r bodies.
zoegirl:
no, because bodies are connected to actual people, to hearts and brains and souls.
zoegirl:
was brannen cute at least?
mad maddie:
ehhh, too short for my taste. and u know what’s bad?
zoegirl:
what?
mad maddie:
it turned into this totally horny go-for-it session, with my bra shoved up and his hands all over me, and now he won’t quit txting. he’s like, “do u wanna go to a movie? do u wanna go out for coffee?”
mad maddie:
i finally wrote back and said, “enough, all right? quit feeling sorry for me.”
zoegirl:
i doubt he feels sorry for you, mads.
mad maddie:
that’s what HE said. he’s all, “what? no, i really like u!”
mad maddie:
whatevs
zoegirl:
i don’t get it. you and chive have so much fun together, and it’s obvious he thinks you’re hot or he wouldn’t have kissed you at donovan’s wedding. so why would he kiss whitney instead of you?
mad maddie:
cuz she basically told him to. it’s not like he was gonna tell her no.
zoegirl:
i don’t see why not
mad maddie:
plus she’s pretty, in a bouncy cheerleader-y way.
zoegirl:
did he even seem apologetic about it?
mad maddie:
it wasn’t a big deal, zo. i refuse to be a ball and chain.
mad maddie:
anywayz, i’m gonna see him later tonight. he says he’s got something planned, but he won’t tell me what.
zoegirl:
is whitney going to be there?
zoegirl:
this is making me not like chive as much, that he would treat you like this.
mad maddie:
like what? i’m a big girl—i can make my own decisions.
mad maddie:
i can’t even blame whitney for liking him. he’s just got that kind of energy, where everyone wants to be around him. he makes everyone feel special.
zoegirl:
not special enough, apparently …
mad maddie:
i’m so glad u know everything about relationships, zo. i’m so glad ur such a pure and shining example of how to do things right.
zoegirl:
you’re right. i’m sorry, i’m sorry.
zoegirl:
and if it makes u feel any better, i have boy problems of my own.
mad maddie:
plz elaborate.
zoegirl:
all right, but you *can’t* tell angela. anyway, it’ll probably come to nothing.
mad maddie:
what’ll come to nothing?
mad maddie:
OMG—is it about u and doug?
zoegirl:
what?!! how did you know?
mad maddie:
it just came to me in a flash, cuz why else would u be all interested in this leg-jiggling business?
zoegirl:
maddie!
zoegirl:
never mind, i’m not dignifying that with a response.
mad maddie:
so you WERE flirting with him at dylan’s. i knew it! zoe likes doug! zoe likes doug!
zoegirl:
shut up!
mad maddie:
omg, if angela finds out she’s gonna FREAK.
zoegirl:
i know, but why? it’s totally unfair for her to even care. yes, he had a crush on her last year, but now they’re just friends.
mad maddie:
does angela know that?
zoegirl:
of course she knows that. she’s the one who never reciprocated. how would she think they’re anything BUT friends?
mad maddie:
cuz in angela’s mind, doug is her safety date, the guy who’ll long for her forever. and one day she cld have a change of heart, and they would live sappily ever after.
zoegirl:
that’s not going to happen, maddie
mad maddie:
well, no, not with U in the picture
mad maddie:
but i’ll tell u what: u can’t give me a hard time about chive, not when ur sneaking around behind angela’s back!
Sat, Dec 4, 11:09 AM E.S.T.
SnowAngel:
hi, mads. wake up wake up wake up!
mad maddie:
ugh. too groggy. go away.
SnowAngel:
then why’d ya respond to my text, huh? gotcha there, sucker.
mad maddie:
can’t talk. or text, whatever. downloading a song from a group chive told me about. go away.
SnowAngel:
i’m not going away.
Snow
Angel:
so how was your night? *folds hands and waits with a pleasant smile*
mad maddie:
u really wanna know?
SnowAngel:
yes, i really wanna know.
mad maddie:
well, u can’t flip out, but i’ll tell u cuz ur my friend.
SnowAngel:
hmm, intrigue. i luv it.
mad maddie:
i smoked pot for the first time, ok?
SnowAngel:
WHAT???
mad maddie:
it was SO not a big deal. chive said he had a surprise for me, and that’s what it was.