ACT I
SCENE 1
Afternoon in the woods. A horn can be heard offstage along with marching. Five boys march in
a row, erratically. They wear scouting-type uniforms. The leader is shouting out "1, 2!" The
followers respond with "3, 4!" as they march. They enter the scene, single-file walking in a
squiggly line until finally coming to a stop near some stones and an overturned tree.
CHASE
At ease Trail Blazers!
There of the other four boys collapse, one walks
away from the group.
BRIAN
(Has flopped spread-eagle on the ground)
We must have walked forty miles!
CONNOR
(Lying down on stomach on overturned tree)
Instead of counting 1, 2, 3, 4 over and over again we should have just kept on counting 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and we would have probably gotten to at least 8,000 by now.
ROBERT
(Boy who continued standing)
You guys are ALL wimps, especially you "Turkey"
(Robert kicks Brian in the leg. Brian is nicknamed Turkey by Robert because his last name
is Tucker)
BRIAN
OUCH!
(Brian rolls over and grabs the side of his leg)
CHASE
Nonsense! According to my new iPhone-Maxima GPS we only hiked 4.7 miles. We had to move fast if we were going to beat our dads here.
CONNOR
Wait a minute, I've never heard of a "Maxima" iPhone.
CHASE
They don't exist yet for regular customers, my father has a hookup at Apple and he gets new technology
almost a year before regular people get it.
ROBERT
In other words, if you dad is rich enough...
CHASE
Quick, I hear them coming!
The boys quickly jump up and act like they are not tired at all.
Four men and one woman enter
DAN
Pretty good work fellows, not too shabby, great job leading them son.
(Dan shakes the hand of his son Chase, very formally)
HAROLD
Well done Zachary, well done.
BRENDA
I knew you could do it Bry, Bry!
(To her son Brian)
BRIAN
(In a quiet tone)
Please don't call me that in front of the guys, they make enough fun of me anyway.
ROBERT
(Quietly over Brian's shoulder)
Got news for ya Bry-Turkey, we didn't need her to tell us that you're a baby.
ROGER
When I was your kid's age, I could’ve walked that far in 15 minutes.
ZACH
We went 4.7 miles Chase's phone said so walking that far in 15 minutes would be physically impossible sir.
ROGER
Not when I was a kid, kid.
ZACH
The average adult person walks 3.5 miles an hour and runs 6 miles an hour; even walking you'd have to be walking at a pace of 1.18 miles an hour to...
ROGER
We walked faster back then, okay?
ZACH
Even running it would still be impossible...
ROGER
(Getting agitated)
You're going to tell me how fast we were able to walk before you were even born?
ZACH
(Begins to stutter)
I...I...I.. da... didn't mean.
ROBERT
(Robert and Chase laugh)
Oh now you've got him sta...sta...stuttering.
HAROLD
Zachary it's not polite to correct your elders so you'll need to apologize to Mr. Springer.
ZACH
Sa, sa, sorry Mr. Springer.
DAN
Well boys, that's enough rest; you managed to make it to the campsite on you own just fine. Now the next Trail Blazer challenge, we men, and ah, Mrs. Brenda, will walk over that ridge there for the next forty-five minutes; during that time you will need to set up the campsite completely.
CONNOR
What does "set up the campsite completely" mean exactly?
CHASE
(Interrupting)
It means gather firewood, clear the designated area, pitch the tents and dig the trenches around the tents for water run-off in case it rains; right father?
DAN
That's right.
BRIAN
Boy that sounds like a lot of work!
CHASE
If we want to get our Level 5 Trail Blazer status, we have to do it in forty-five minutes or less.
DAN
Which means you gentlemen have to work as a team and there's no "I" in team!
ROGER
Right, because we can't help you.
DAN
No Roger, I meant that there is no letter "I" in the word "team".
ROGER
Yea, right and our team can't help their little team.
DAN
Riiiight.
HAROLD
Make sure you acquire quite a bit of firewood boys; the temps will drop down to the low 50's tonight with a humidity of 80% and a 20% chance of precipitation.
BRIAN
You sound just like you do when you are doing the weather on Channel 12 Mr. Cleever!
HAROLD
Well, thank you Brian.
DAN
At any rate, I'm about to start the stopwatch...
CHASE
My dad's new watch cost six thousand dollars!
DAN
(Walking and coaxing the other adults away, up toward the hill)
Oh now, we Chase don't discuss the price of things, but if you do, do it correctly; it was six thousand, nine hundred. Now boys get ready, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!
The boys begin rushing to begin setting up the campsite as the adults exit. The boys rush around, confused. Zach begins picking up pieces of wood and handing them to Brian; every third or fourth piece Zach gives him, the bottom piece drops out of Brian's hands.
Connor and Chase are comically fumbling with the tents, trying to put them up. Conner can't seem
to get the poles to fit together properly. He connects several of the poles into one long pole
which he is holding with the end of one pole touching the ground; Chase, steps backwards and
the pole goes up his shirt.
Roger stands and watches the others for awhile and then reaches in Brian's backpack and takes out and
candy bar and begins eating it.
BRIAN
Hey that's mine!
ROGER
And it tastes SO good, Turkey!
(Roger notices that Conner is quietly picking up sticks to clear a path for the campsite. He walks and tosses the candy wrapper where Connor had just picked up debris.)
ROGER
Here's a little something extra for you to pick up.
(Connor ignores him)
CHASE
We've got to work together or we'll never get the
campsite ready in time to win the achievement!
ZACH
Who cares, none of us wants to be here anyway!
CHASE
I want to be here!
BRIAN
I didn't want to do this either, my mother made me do it. I've never even liked being outside much less
camping in the mountains!
ROGER
It's because you don't like to be far from the refrigerator Turkey Boy!
ZACH
My dad thought it would be ga...good for my self esteem to be with more boys my own age instead of my older brothers. They pick on m.
..m... me all the time anyway.
ROGER
Maybe if you da...da...da didn't stutter so much Zachy boy!
BRIAN
Leave him alone Roger, he can't help it!
ROGER
Maybe your mommy can dry his widdle eyes just like she does yours.
CONNOR
Shut it Roger!
(This is the first time Conner has yelled)
ROGER
Stay out of it Baker! Your dad didn't even think enough about you to come! At least Turkey Boy has an
excuse!
CHASE
Everybody stop fighting!
ZACH
I think the Trail Blazers is a stupid club anyway!
CHASE
It's not a "club", it's a respectable organization.
ZACH
Trail "Blazers" is a poor choice for a name. I don't think the word "blaze" sounds too promising when you are supposed to be camping in the woods.
CONNOR
Not if we don't get enough dry wood, this wood is wet.
(Conner kicks the wood with his shoe, Roger notices Connor's feet)
ROGER
Dude, you have baby feet! I never noticed before! Look how little his feet are! They're tiny!
CONNOR
I'm going to get more wood.
(Embarrassed, exits as Roger continues to talk about his feet)
END SCENE 1
ACT 1 SCENE 2
Connor walks away from the campsite to look for dry wood but to mostly get away from the other
boys. He picks up a couple of pieces of wood when he overhears the adults talking.
HAROLD
It's great to have you with us Brenda.
BRENDA
Oh, thank you. I'm glad that I could get off work to be here. I had hoped it wouldn't be too awkward you know, having a female among you during a boy's weekend out.
HAROLD
Not at all, not at all! It's going to be perfectly fine!
BRENDA
It's just that since Brian's dad couldn't be here and I so wanted Brian to be a part of a group like this, you
know?
DAN
Absolutely.
BRENDA
And since his dad couldn't be here, you know.
HAROLD
Yes, we know and we are Happy to have you here with us.
DAN
Yes, we are.
BRENDA
Well anyway, what about Connor's dad?
ROGER
Ray's still in Afghanistan I heard; been there for over nine months.
DAN
Military?
ROGER
Yep, he's an Army man.
BRENDA
Oh, such a long time to be away for your family, you know, sad, really.
ROGER
I almost didn't make it either, this weekend starts hunting season.
DAN
I thought hunting season wasn't supposed to start until next weekend?
ROGER
Nope, it officially started today.
HAROLD
Wait a minute; do you mean there could be hunters out in these very woods where we have brought these boys?
DAN
But I thought...
BRENDA
There could be shooting!
HAROLD
This is NOT good, not good at all!
ROGER
Nah, I wouldn't worry about it, none of the guys I know ever actually HIT anything, the deer would have to be wearing bright red for those guys to see it.
(Roger looks down and notices there's a bright red sash on his Trail Blazer uniform)
HAROLD
Who had the bright idea to come out here on the first weekend of hunting season?
(Everyone slowly turns and looks at Dan)
DAN
I swear I didn't know! Remember it was all set for last weekend, but then the rain forced us to
reschedule.
ROGER
(Looking at Harold)
Yea, you just can't trust those weathermen.
HAROLD
Well, I admit, I was a tiny bit off on that forecast; the pressure system coming down from Canada turned out to be carrying far more precipitation than I calculated and, uh...
ROGER
Just because you pronuncicate your words better than the rest of us, doesn't mean that you can forecast the weather Harold.
HAROLD
It's "enunciate".
ROGER
Don't throw out those fancy "weather" words at me!
HAROLD
You just combined two words to make a word that doesn't exist.
BRENDA
Maybe we better gather the boys, go home and do this some other weekend!
DAN
It's going to be dark soon, no point in turning around now, after all, no one deer hunts at night anyway so we will be just fine.
ROBERT
Or maybe you afraid we can't find our way back?
DAN
Nonsense Robert, I know Mount Peerless like the back of my hand
(Holds hand, palm upward)
BRENDA
That's the palm of your hand, Dan.
DAN
Anyway, I have a GPS and a backup GPS.
ROGER
He probably even has a GPS to find his GPS!
DAN
Oh yes, I forgot that one!
HAROLD
(Looking at phone)
I've had absolutely no bars on my cell phone since we got to the top of the mountain, no signal at all.
BRENDA
Neither do I. You'd think that the Trail Blazer organization would keep each chapter up to date on when
they should take hiking and camping trips. There's clearly certain times of the year when it's not
advisable to go on excursions.
HAROLD
Yes, that is sensible; who is your contact at the Trail Blazers Dan? I might want to shoot them an email.
DAN
(Looks sheepish)
Well, the Trail Blazers are a very new organization, and...
ROGER
And...
DAN
They have only been in existence a very short period of time, so...
BRENDA
Was it their idea for this trip?
DAN
No, I scheduled the trip.
BRENDA
Who do you talk to at the Trail Blazers about this sort of thing?
DAN
No one, I mean... I guess it would be me because I created the Trail Blazers.
I came up with the idea; I wanted a group for Chase to be in. He didn't like any
of the other clubs and groups, so...
ROGER
So you invented a club for your boy?
DAN
Yes. I wanted him to have a group he could be the leader of...I mean, be a member of. I had the uniforms designed, it was very expensive I might add, I had the posters made up and I wrote the handbook myself.
BRENDA
Well, you did a good job; it all does look very professional.
HAROLD
Our kids go to the same school and we know each other fairly well Dan, why didn't you just tell us all this
from the start?
DAN
I didn't think kids would want to join if they knew Chase's dad made the whole club up. Chase sometimes has trouble making friends and keeping them.
(Awkward silence)
BRENDA
(Shivers)
I think it's getting colder! Are you sure we shouldn't try to just go home?
ROGER
We came too far up the mountain to turn around and go back tonight. We're better off just camping here.
HAROLD
Actually, I think it would be better to go back home tonight because it's illegal to hunt
deer at night,
that means we wouldn't have to worry about hunters and stray bullets. In the morning there might be hunters about, plus I agree with Brenda, it is getting colder.
END SCENE 2
ACT 1 SCENE 3
Connor leaves the adults and goes back to the campsite. The place is a wreck, the boys are
unable to erect the tents correctly, supplies are scattered everywhere. Connor trips and falls.
ROBERT
Bigfoot just tripped over his big feet, ha!
CHASE
Where's the wood?
CONNOR
I didn't get any and it doesn't matter, we are going home.
ZACH
What?
ZACH
I don't want to go home.
CONNOR
They're about to walk over that hill tell us to pack up.
(Adults walk around the corner)
DAN
Okay fellows, new plan; we are going to pack up and go home. We didn't realize that HUNTING season started today and it's not a good idea for us to be out here in the morning.
ZACH
Oh man! What kind of hunting?
HAROLD
Deer hunting, Zachary, sorry about this boys, but we've got to get a move on, it's going to be dark soon.
ROGER
Thanks to some Trail Blazer poor planning your camping trip is officially over, so pack it all up, it's
getting cold and late.
The boys begin gathering up the tents and have trouble repacking them. The adults attempt to
help. Dan walks away from the group, holding up a GPS in one hand and his phone in the other, trying
to get a signal.