***
The room was dark, just the way she liked it. She had undoubtedly already yelled at some poor nurse for opening the blinds and they hadn’t made the same mistake twice. The thick, velvet curtains pulled tight across the window left it void of light. I switched on a small fluorescent lamp near the door so that she wouldn’t complain about it getting into her eyes. She looked like she was sleeping. Her face was more peaceful than I’d seen it in a long time. The fluids they gave her went far in making her at least appear healthier. I remember when I was a little girl, I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. Now sometimes I don’t even really recognize her. I sat down on the chair next to her bed.
“Mom?”
Her eyelids fluttered but she didn’t open them. I called out to her again and her peaceful face turned into a scowl.
“Go away.” She grabbed the sheet on the bed and turned on her side away from me.
I was suddenly incensed. She had no one to blame for this but herself yet here I sit feeling guilty and worrying about her and the bills…all the things she should be worrying about and she had the audacity to speak to me that way. I was about to do something I was very unsure of in order to secure both of our futures. That should have been her job, or at least our job together. She’d put us both right here though, I wasn’t going to take the blame for that. Getting angrier I stood up and pulled the sheet back off of her.
“No, I will not go away. As usual, I’m paying for this little excursion. You have no idea what I am going to have to go through to pay for it. The absolute very least you could do is express some real remorse for a change. I feel like I’m raising an obstinate child most of the time and I’m sick of this, all of it. I’m going to pay these bills, and you are going into rehab when you leave here.”
My mother opened one eye slowly and then after a few seconds she opened the other. She groaned I was sure it was a headache. If she’d been at home she’d have a beer or vodka in her hand by now. She used to tell me that the best way to get rid of a hangover was to treat it with a vodka chaser. Ah, the lovely things a mother teaches her child.
When she pulled them fully open, I could see that she had tears in her eyes. It wasn’t fazing me though, I knew it as just another of her well-practiced manipulation techniques.
“Holly, I don’t want to go to one of those places. I want to stay home. I’ll miss it and you…I can stop. I don’t need to be put in one of those cold, scary places. The people are mean and I don’t sleep because I want to be home in my own bed so badly…Please tell me that I don’t have to go, Holly.”
“You can’t do it by yourself, mother. You’ve tried before, it doesn’t work. If you refuse to go to rehab, I walk away.”
“What does that mean?” she said, looking truly confused.
“That means exactly what I said. I walk, Mom. I’m not doing any of this with you anymore. This is the last time. You get into rehab and get some help and I’ll pay for it. You walk out of here and go home, I stop paying for it all. But mostly, I stop seeing you. I have no desire to ever see you like this again. I’m through.”
She was looking at me with hurt and shock in her eyes. I’d never threatened to walk away before, and she knew that without my help she would be homeless by now. Her face changed and she looked like she was going to argue again. Either the look on my face stopped her, or there was something left in her pickled brain that told her this was an okay deal.
“Okay, Holly. When do I go?”
“Soon,” I told her. “I’ll let you know after I make the arrangements.”
I got up to head for the door and I heard her say, “I love you.” I loved her too, God help me. I couldn’t stop and turn around though, I didn’t have the energy.
I walked down the hall and through the lobby and out the double doors into the fresh air. I stood there for a minute, gulping it in. I felt like I had been starving for it. Once I got enough air in my lungs and my hands stopped shaking I took out my phone and called Aiden.
“Hello?”
“I decided to do it,” I blurted out. I was afraid if I didn’t just say it that I wouldn’t.
“You decided to have my child?” he said, to clarify.
“Yes, I can meet you now to go over the contract if you have time. I just had a few more simple questions.”
“Great, Holly! Thank you. Are you at home? I’ll send my driver.”
“No, just tell me where to meet you and I’ll be there.” He didn’t argue, he gave me the address of his attorney’s office and when I hung up I noticed my hands were shaking again. I called a cab and headed towards my destiny.