“Yes.”
“Why? Can you explain it to me?”
I closed my eyes, trying to draw out the words that never wanted to be let loose. I didn’t know why I had such a hard time expressing my feelings, or why my first instinct was to shut people out when they hurt me, rather than discussing what happened like a rational person, but that’s the way I’d always been.
But, this was Craig. I’d put him through a lot, and I knew if I wanted there to be any chance of an actual, romantic relationship with him, and if I was honest, that’s what I always wanted, then, I’d have to swallow my fear and be honest with him.
“You know how hard it is for me to talk about things,” I said, opening my eyes to find him watching me, his face gentle. At his nod, I continued, “Especially my feelings, but I want to try. You deserve that.”
Craig didn’t answer just waited patiently, like he always did.
I cleared my throat, then took a cleansing breath before responding.
“Well, you know when we all went to USC for Orientation, we ended up going to the frat party together, you, me, Liam, and Aliyah.” I waited for affirmation, but when he didn’t respond, I knew he wanted to me get to the point. “Well, I wasn’t drinking, but the rest of you were. Liam and Aliyah ended up wandering off somewhere, and I didn’t know what to do, you were pretty out of it. So, I took you back to the room that Aliyah and I were staying in. We were talking and laughing, and before I knew what was happening, you kissed me.”
I was watching him closely, so I saw when horror begin to cross his face, I knew I had to squash that look before he got the wrong idea.
“No, Craig,” I assured him, putting my hand in his and squeezing. “It was nothing like that. It was mutual, you didn’t force yourself on me… Shoot,” I added with a self-deprecating grin, “If anything, I’m guilty of taking advantage of you. You’d obviously had a lot to drink, but when you kissed me, I wanted it. It was something I’d always wanted, so I kissed you back.”
“I’m sorry, Gwen… I …” Craig ran his hand over his face, obviously frustrated. “I don’t remember any of this. Is that all?”
“No, it isn’t.”
Chapter Sixteen ~ Gwen
(18 years old)
His lips were softer than I’d ever imagined, and I’d imagined them a lot. At least once a day since I turned thirteen, maybe more.
I brought a hand up to touch his cheek gently, worried that too much movement on my part would bring him back to reality, and he’d pull away.
I could taste beer on his breath, but I didn’t mind. He moved closer, his hand on my back drawing me in so our chests touched. I took a sharp breath at the contact, amazed at how good it felt.
This was the first time I’d kissed, or touched another guy since that night with Brad at his party, but it was apples and oranges in comparison. With Craig I didn’t have one second of doubt, I knew I wanted his lips on mine, and now that I’d had a taste, I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to go back to the way things used to be.
I hoped he felt the same.
“Can I touch you, Gwennie?” Craig asked, his hand at the hem of my T-shirt.
His breath against my ear caused goose bumps to break out over my sensitive flesh.
“Yes,” I responded, my voice barely a whisper.
His hand was cool against my heated stomach and I shivered as he ran it up toward my breasts, which began to heave in anticipation of his touch.
“We won’t go too far, Gwennie, I promise. I just want to feel you,” Craig promised as his lips trailed along my neck. I tilted my head to the side to give him better access, then realized I was basically sitting still while he was bringing me pleasure. I was missing out on the opportunity to touch Craig in ways I’d only imagined, and I was wasting time.
“I trust you,” I replied honestly, then ran my hand through his hair, down his neck, and over the back of his shirt. I wanted to feel his naked skin against my palm.
I allowed myself to be taken away by what I was feeling. I enjoyed the way the muscles of his back felt as I caressed him, and the delicious feelings his fingertips provoked as they teased my nipples through my cotton bra. Heat traveled through my veins as he slipped his hand inside and palmed my bare breast. I had no control over the moans that filtered from my mouth.
I felt so good. Alive and lit up from the inside out. I’d never felt anything like it, and I wanted it to last forever.
I brought my hands awkwardly around to the front of him. Trying to give myself room to run them over the contours of his chest and stomach, without putting too much space between us.
Craig nudged me slightly, urging me to fall to my back on the bed. When his hand came to the button of my jeans, he rested there for a moment, waiting for me to become coherent enough to pay attention to what he was doing.
“Don’t stop yet,” I pleaded as I reached my hands out to hold on to his biceps. He felt so strong and powerful, but nothing about him scared me. I wanted whatever he was willing to give.
“I want to touch you. To make you come,” he said, his green eyes flashing above me. “But I don’t want to push you too far.”
My heart pounded wildly at his words, taking off at a full gallop when he leaned down and barely touched his lips to mine. “Is it okay if I make you come?”
Unable to voice my answer, I nodded slightly, then swept my tongue out and wet his lips. His growl was cut off when he crushed his lips to mine. He simultaneously undid my pants and slid his hand inside. At the first touch of his palm, I bucked against him like a wild animal, no longer in control of the movements of my own body, and when he ran the tip of his finger along me gently, I cried out at the sensations he incited.
Craig’s finger eased slowly in to me, and his moan matched my own. “You’re so tight, so wet… perfect.”
I couldn’t form a response. I was too caught up in what was happening to my body. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. It felt like everything I’d ever wanted was happening right in that moment, and I could feel the joy building inside of me.
I opened my eyes to see Craig watching me, his face full of desire. The expression on his face made the ache deep inside of me grow bigger, and when he added another finger and began to pump it inside of me, my hips began to move uncontrollably.
“I love you so much, Gwennie,” Craig said softly, and my heart lurched as I looked into his eyes as the orgasm ripped through me and I called out his name.
I’d wanted to tell Craig that I loved him too, but as soon as I came down from that earth-shattering moment, Craig was snoring quietly beside me, his hand still in my pants. I’d removed it, righted my clothing, then looked over at him. He looked so sweet. Happy and serene as he dozed.
I fell asleep nestled against his warm chest, his strong arms wrapped around me. It was the best night of my life, and I couldn’t wait to see what happened next.
When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in the bed, a sheet thrown haphazardly over my waist. I sat up, still wearing the clothes from the night before and turned to see Aliyah stretched out on the bed on the other side of the room.
I’d never heard her return.
I looked up as the door opened, and Craig came inside carrying a to-go tray of coffee in his hand.
He was wearing his sunglasses and winced slightly when he tried to smile at me.
“We gotta get on the road,” he said as he walked over and shook Aliyah’s shoulder. “My dad’s expecting me in a couple hours.”
“I’m up,” Aliyah said, sounding anything but.
Dread filled my stomach as his nonchalance began to penetrate.
“Hey, Gwen, do you think you could drive? My head feels like it’s about to explode.”
I stood up, trying to choke down the fear and disappointment that were threatening to consume me. Did he regret what happened?
I grabbed my travel bag and tried to scoot past him so I could brush my teeth, but he stopped me by putting a han
d on my arm.
“Hey,” Craig said softly, and I knew I had to bring my eyes to his without showing too much emotion. He lifted his glasses up to look down at me, concern on his face. “What the hell happened last night? I didn’t do anything stupid, did I?”
I pasted a fake smile on and shook my head, before pulling away from his grasp and leaving the room. Once outside, I leaned against the brick wall and felt the hot burn of tears in the back of my throat.
He didn’t remember anything, I realized as the first tears spilled over. He’d said he loved me, and gave me the best night of my life, and it was nothing but a one-sided memory.
The pain was horrid, and I wanted none of it. Feeling like this didn’t do me any good, and I vowed that I wouldn’t give Craig the power to make me feel like this again. I had to get control of myself, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to go back to the way things were, now that I’d had a taste of what things with Craig could be like, so I had to guard myself, and guard my heart.
It would be better for me if I locked it away and forgot about it, just like I had with Brad and Dave. They couldn’t hurt me, if I didn’t allow them a place in my head, or my heart. I was going to have to do the same thing with Craig.
Even as my heart squeezed at the thought of losing my best friend, I knew it would be better if I let him go now, rather than continuing to love him, and giving him the opportunity to eventually destroy me.
Chapter Seventeen ~ Craig
(18 years old)
As I walked from the pitcher’s mound to the dugout, I looked up into the bleachers. It was a force of habit.
It had been months since she’d spoken to me, let alone made any attempt to be near me, so I didn’t expect her to be there. This would be the first home game she missed since I started playing serious ball.
When I scanned the crowd, my eye catching on wisps of blonde hair blowing in the wind, and a familiar camera lens pointed toward the field, my steps faltered.
She was there.
Hope surged through me. What did her being here mean? Was she ready to tell me what happened and bury the hatchet?
I’d been trying to get her to explain the cold shoulder she’d began giving me since we returned home from Orientation, but I’d only received silence.
We’d both worked at Brock’s company before school started, and our paths crossed at different family gatherings, and a couple times on campus, but Gwen wouldn’t bend.
In the beginning I’d called, texted, and begged her to tell me what was wrong, but I could only handle so much rejection … Eventually I just abided by her apparent wishes, and left her alone, even though it killed me.
I’d realized I was in love with Gwen our senior year. I’d been obsessed with dating this other chick. I don’t know why, but I think it was because she didn’t fall at my feet when I asked her out. I’d even gone so far as to attend a couple open mic nights at a local coffee shop to try and get her attention.
One time, Gwen went with me. She’d dressed in a long skirt and oversized tank top, her camera swinging around her neck, and there was something about her … a light that only Gwen exudes, that for some reason clicked with me that night. We were there to scope out this other girl for me, and all I could do was compare her to Gwen. Then I started comparing all girls to Gwen, and that’s when it hit me. I was in love with my best friend.
The person I’d always wanted had been right in front of me the whole time.
I didn’t know what to do, and suddenly didn’t know how to act around her. It was weird, and I didn’t know how to tell her what I was feeling. I was terrified that she would laugh at me, or worse, would tell me that she didn’t feel the same. So I didn’t say anything.
I worried that I said something that night we went to the frat party after I got drunk, and that’s why Gwen stopped talking to me.
Once the game was over, I hurried off the field, hoping to catch her before she left. I was putting on my jacket as I ran, and noticed her blonde head moving through the crowd.
“Gwen!” I yelled out as I weaved in and out of coeds.
I saw her pause and look over her shoulder, her expression resigned. I didn’t take that as a sign that she was about to welcome me with open arms.
“Hey,” I said when I reached her.
“Hi,” she responded as she shifted her camera bag onto her shoulder.
“I was surprised to see you in the stands.” I gestured behind me, then shoved my hands in my pockets.
Gwen looked up at me, her face not betraying any emotion.
“Just keeping a promise,” she said, then turned and began walking away.
I watched her walk away, all hope going with her, when my phone started to ring in my pocket.
“Yeah?” I said distractedly without looking to see who was calling.
“Craig.” My brother’s voice sounded nervous. “Shelly’s in labor, we’re heading to the hospital.”
“I’m on my way,” I responded immediately, then looked up to see Gwen rounding to corner.
I started running.
“Be safe,” Cal replied.
“I will, and Cal … Congrats, Daddy,” I said with a grin, then hung up the phone.
“Gwen!” I yelled as I picked up speed.
She turned, exasperation clear on her face.
“There’s nothing else to say…” she began, but I cut her off.
“Shelly’s having the baby. I’m going to leave now. You coming?”
Pleasure, excitement, and then remorse crossed her face in the span of seconds, and she bit her lip as she contemplated what to do.
“C’mon,” I persuaded. “You know you want to be there. I have a car and am going to the same place. It just makes sense to ride together.”
She thought about it for a minute, then looked at me warily.
“This doesn’t change anything.”
I nodded, then turned to go back and grab my stuff, before heading to my car. I figured she’d follow me. I wasn’t going to go out of my way to accommodate her, if she was still going to hold a grudge, but as she trailed behind me, I had to admit that hope came along with her.
Chapter Eighteen ~ Craig
Present Day (20 years old)
I could tell that Gwen was struggling with her emotions as she finally told me what had happened to cause the riff between us.
I was struggling myself.
I felt terrible that she’d been so hurt that she’d felt the need to shut herself off from me.
I felt angry that rather than talk to me that morning, tell me everything that had happened, and discuss what she was feeling with me, she’d chosen to keep it to herself for all of these years.
I felt a mixture of sadness and hope, that the dreams and flashes of having Gwen in my arms were actually memories from that night.
“What are you thinking?” Gwen asked finally, when my silence became too much too bare. She tried to keep her voice cool and controlled, but the way she was ringing her hands in her lap betrayed her worry.
“I’m sorry,” I said simply, pushing aside the myriad of emotions warring within me. “I’m sorry that we hooked up when I was too drunk to remember. I’m sorry that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth the morning after it happened.” I held up my hand to stop her from interrupting when she opened her mouth to argue against my statement. “I’m sorry that you felt the need to protect yourself from me by cutting me out over the last few years.” Tears began falling down her flushed cheeks, but I made myself go on. Unlike Gwen, I needed to express what I was feeling, rather than bottle it all up inside.
“But most of all I’m sorry that I told you that I loved you.” Her face began to fall, so I hurried on before she got the wrong idea and ran away from me again. “I wish I hadn’t told you like that, on that night. I first knew that I was falling for you when I broke my arm and you spent months trying to cheer me up. I think it was when you snuck Major League into my room and watched it with me. We were la
ughing so loud that my mom came in, and you were so afraid you were busted, your face turned bright red.” She smiled through her tears at the memory, and I kept going. “I wanted to tell you a million times, but it never felt right. I wanted to ask you out, but you seemed to have no interest in dating, and no interest in me other than friendship. I was waiting until we went away to school together. I figured once we were away from our families and out on our own, you’d be willing to give us a shot… Of course, by the time we got to college, you were no longer talking to me, so it seemed like you’d never know how I felt.”
I took a breath as I tried to get a reign on my own feelings, so Gwen took that opportunity to talk.
“I’ve loved you forever,” she gushed. “I don’t know how you never saw it. I think everyone knew except you. I didn’t date initially, because I didn’t want to date anyone but you. After that stuff with Brad, I didn’t want to date anyone at all for a while, but by our senior year? I definitely would have said yes if you’d asked.” She smiled sadly and shook her head.
“What?” I inquired, bringing my hand up to wipe away her tears.
“We wasted so much time,” she replied.
I thought about everything that had happened so far, and although I knew there was still a lot to work out, I didn’t want to lose the momentum we had going now. I couldn’t take the chance that Gwen would change her mind, or allow fear to take over again.
“Are you ready for me now?” I asked, searching her face for the answer. “I don’t want to waste anymore time. I want to see what we will be like together now. After a few years of only scattered conversations, most of them fights. I need the chance for you to know me now, and to get caught up on your life.”
“I’d like that.”
I looked at the clock on the dash and swore under my breath.
“I have to get back and head to the field. Coach is expecting me.”
“That’s okay, I have some work I need to do for my showcase.”