"I can't be there in an hour. And even if I could, I WOULDN'T be there in an hour. You can't do anything to me, anymore. Goodbye, mother. And goodbye Marcus."
"Dr. Simmons has the legal right now to forcibly confine and/or commit you Darling. I've had the paperwork drawn up. Marcus and I have signed and approved it all. This is over, and out of your hands. Return now and we'll talk about any choices you may have left." And then the phone slams down. Huh. I guess I got that particular talent from my mother. Giggle. No!
Catching my breath… What the fuck was that? Holy shit! Forcibly confined? Committed? Jesus, I'm shaking. I can’t even think at the moment. Everything in my head is all confused and kind of fuzzy or something. What does that mean?
"What does she mean, Z?" I whisper. I can barely breathe at this point.
"Who is Dr. Simmons, Sweetheart?" Z asks me in return.
"I don't know. I have NO idea. What is she talking about? Can she do that to me?" Gasp.
"Breathe, love. Come on. Breathe slowly with me. Breathe with me..." Oh my god.
“What is my mother going to do Z? What does that MEAN? I don’t understand. Papers drawn up? Marcus’ and her consent? For WHAT?!”
After an eternity, Z pulls away from me. Oh! I hadn’t realized he was hugging me, that’s so nice of him. Pulling away, Z looks so concerned but I don’t know if it’s for me, or because of what might happen to me.
“I'm going to make a quick call. My very good friend is a psychiatrist in New York. He is very professional and very discreet. I'm just going to ask him a few questions. Okay?"
All I have in me is a nod. Everything else is cold and just kind of blank. I don't know that I can even walk at the moment.
==========
When Z returns, minutes later, he looks a little tense. What now? Christ, if he now wants me out of here, I'm in trouble. I don't even know if I can function, let alone leave for Chicago. Please don't make me leave. Please don't leave me alone.
"Okay, this is what I have so far. Simmons is a very well known, much respected psychiatrist out of Chicago. I say that because on paper he is above reproach. He has never been accused or reprimanded for breach of any ethics laws. He's never even had a formal complaint. There is absolutely nothing against him, anywhere...
“…However, my friend has heard, and it is widely known within the psychiatric community that Simmons practices a little controversially, and these practices are loosely regulated. He has a major 'god complex' and he practices within the upper crust of society only, because he’s one of them. And he specializes in unruly teens, teens with alcohol or drug dependencies and the like. Basically, any teen who has, or could embarrass their very wealthy, established parents are sent to Dr. Simmons... to‘cure’."
"But why me? I'm 29 years old! I've never seen him before. I don't know who he is. Why would he agree to my mother’s demands to have me..." deep breath "forcibly confined and/or committed against my will? It doesn't make any sense Z! Because I left my cheating husband, this well-known psychiatrist is willing to break the law? It's not like I'm a minor. He would have to prove to a Judge that I'm unfit, or like, mentally incapacitated or something, right?"
"My friend Mack is curious as well. I gave him a slight overview of events, and he was shocked that your mother thinks any of this is necessary or even easily possible. Mack would like to talk to you, to understand your take on things. He’s willing to work with me to help you, if you let him."
"Why would he want to? I'm clearly more trouble than I'm worth, especially if he has to go up against someone as well known and respected as this Simmons is. Why would he want to?"
"First; because I asked him to get involved. And second; because Mack is a good man. I've known him a long time, and I trust him with my life. But more importantly, I trust him with your life."
God... I need to think, but I just can’t think anymore. The fear is making me mindless. What do I do? I have to return. I have no choice.
"Why are you doing this?" I whisper.
"Because I care about you, and I want you to have a little peace in your life. I want you to experience life for yourself. It's not like you've ever really lived for yourself. And I want that for you. I want you to make choices, because you choose them, not because you are forced to choose them.”
I just can’t think anymore. There is nothing working in my brain. Everything seems strangely distorted or something.
“Would you please meet with Mack? He’s a great guy, and I’ll be here if you need me to be, or I'll give you privacy if you need it. I promise this is a good thing."
"Um... okay. When?"
"He said he can meet us here tomorrow evening for dinner. That way, when you and he meet it will be in a friendly, casual environment. I explained you have major issues with trust, and he seems to think you would do well on familiar ground. Does that sound okay? You can always change your mind tomorrow. There's no pressure, Sweetheart."
"Okay, tomorrow for dinner. But don't think you've fooled me. I know you were going to cook something up to have me stay here tomorrow anyway."
"Yes, I was. And this worked out perfectly." Finally, he’s smiling again and much less tense.
After a long pause in conversation, while my brain still spins, Z sits back down beside me. Taking my hand he asks, "How are you? Honestly."
"I'm a little shell-shocked, I think. I hate my mother’s voice. I always have. So, even now when she speaks to me, I cringe. Good or bad, I can't stand speaking to her, ever. I always thought I was lucky that Marcus and my mother got along so well, because they usually spoke and arranged things and events... and I just sat back and let him because it was easier than me having to deal with her."
"Your mother sounds like a classic, wealthy, well-bred, superficial Bitch. I can see why you hate the sound of her voice. To tell you the truth, it gave me the willies as well." The willies?
As I burst out laughing, Z pulls me into his lap for a very tight, very warm hug. I love this. I need this.
"Are you tired, Sweetheart? You've had another horrendous day. Would you like to have a rest, or maybe a long bath? I have an amazing Jacuzzi tub." Did he just wiggle his eyebrows again? Oh, yup, he did.
"Um, that sounds good. Will you join me?"
I can't believe I just asked that, but I don’t really seem to care anymore. My life is spiraling out of control, and I want to spend time with this man, just a little longer.
"Absolutely." And lifting me from his lap, Z takes my hand and leads me to his master suite.
==========
Once in Z's tub, I'm in heaven. Covered in millions of bubbles, I’m naked, but fully covered so I can relax completely. The tub is deep and large and I have lots of space, while wishing I didn't have sooo much space. Z is leaning naked, against the tub wall opposite me. Our feet are tangled with each other. I know my legs are slightly prickly, and I dread him touching them by mistake, yet I also want him to touch me, not by mistake. Christ. I really am nuts.
"What are you thinking about?" No way.
"Nothing."
"Sweetheart, tell me please. I can see you thinking over there."
"I'm not. I'm just enjoying your tub, which IS amazing, as you said it would be."
"No. There's more. Are you thinking about your asshole husband, or your atrocious mother?"
"Of course- both. Also, about my life, this tub, Macy’s, your home… pretty much everything. My brain doesn't ever really stop. It never stops. It's exhausting actually."
"Come over here." Okay!
Moving across, I lean against Z's side on the Jacuzzi seat.
"Sit on your butt on the bottom of the tub between my legs. It’s okay, you won't drown. I promise I can swim."
Moving, I sit on the bottom and the water rises to just below my chin when Z asks, "May I massage your shoulders, love?"
"Yes. Please."
Why does he always ask before touching me? That’s so nice of him. I wish everyone asked permission before touc
hing me.
As Z starts massaging my shoulders and neck, I feel boneless. I want him to touch me all over suddenly. I find myself moving closer to his body, I want to be surrounded by him. I need to be surrounded by him. Oh my GOD! DON’T ask it. DON’T DO IT! DON’T!!
"Um...Z?" and before he can answer, I whisper, "...will you have sex with me? Ah... now?"
"Give me your hand," he growls.
And that's it. I asked, and we are stepping out of the Jacuzzi. I can’t believe it worked. I can’t believe he’s going to have sex with me again! This is so exciting, I’m shaking with anticipation.
CHAPTER 18
After toweling me off rather quickly with an infectious little grin, Z takes my hand and leads me out of his bathroom. "Where, Sweetheart?" Where? What does THAT mean? "Which bedroom would you like to go to?" Oh, thank god...
"Here... if that's okay?"
"Absolutely." And holding my hand firmly, we cross the room to Z's huge, sexy, red and burgundy bed.
Bending his head, Z kisses me deeply. It feels like forever since we've kissed, and I've missed it. Moaning, I reach around his neck and pull him even harder to my mouth.
Bending me backward with one hand, Z uses his other to pull back the bedding. This is so sexy. I've never had sex like this before. I've never really been a part of the step by step motions of getting to the sex. Sex just kind of happened to me, except with Z.
Tugging my towel off, Z continues kissing me as he lifts me by my waist onto the bed. On my knees facing him, Z and I are the same height. I don't feel overwhelmed or frightened at all. I want to do this. I want to be a part of this.
So, tugging Z's towel off, I reach for his penis and start rubbing at it. I'm not actually sure what to do, but I figure a back and forth stroke is standard, and going by Z's moan, I assume I'm doing it right.
"You're touch is amazing Sweetheart. I love you holding me in your hand..."
"What else can I do? What would make this really good for you? Z, what do I do?"
"You can continue, maybe gently cup my balls, or, ah, lick your palm so you slide better..."
So, licking my palm, I take his balls in one hand, and continue stroking him with the other. Oh, my... His testicles are kind of squishy, but firm too. This whole area is weird feeling. Z is standing still but making little sounds in the back of his throat, so I think I'm doing okay for him.
Z slowly moves his hand down my waist, in between my legs. Opening my folds with his fingers, he moves around my entrance, teasing me without entering me, and it feels good. I find myself moving closer to his hand, almost cupping myself in his hand. I wish he would touch me harder or something. I want more. Wow… that’s a first for me.
Looking at Z's penis, I see a little liquid coming out of the tip. It's glassy and I start moving my hand over the top, pushing it further down his length with my movements. Z moans a little louder, and I'm feeling bold. What does that taste like? Should I try? Tugging on him a little, I try to make it clear that I want him on the bed, and Z understands.
Removing his hand from me, he gracefully crawls on the bed, as I turn to look at his body.
"May I taste it?" I'm blushing again, I can feel it, but I don’t really care.
"Please..."
Taking Z into my mouth slowly; I'm surprised by his taste. It's not gross, or over-powering. It's kind of salty, but not really unpleasant. Moving a little over the tip, my tongue begins flicking at him. When Z's left leg suddenly lifts and bends outward, I want to explore more of him. Putting his penis in my mouth, I slide my tongue and mouth up and down the shaft. He fills me, and I'm not able to take the whole thing, but Z's body tenses a little, so again, I think I'm doing this okay for him.
"What else do I do?" I whisper.
"Ah, what you're doing is good, maybe a little faster and... ah, try sucking a little." Okay.
Taking him back in my mouth, I suck him in and take more of him deeper into my mouth, but Z suddenly jumps.
"Um, maybe suck a little less hard, Sweetheart. You're going to make me cum quicker than I want that way." I am? I want to... or maybe not. Do I really want his stuff in my mouth?
"Isn't that a good thing? Don't you want to do that to me?"
"I don't want to do anything to you. We can do this together though. Would you like to feel pleasure, while giving it to me as well?" Yes. How? Oh, and then it hits me, the 69-thing Marcus wanted to try once. Yuck.
"Come here, Sweetheart. Place yourself over my mouth. I need to please you as well. I want to taste you..."
So, climbing awkwardly over Z, I kneel over his face. This is so, so embarrassing. I hate this. He can see everything and I can't hide myself down there when I’m like this. This is too much, and I can't hide at all.
"Sweetheart, stay with me. If you don't want this, we stop now. Do you want this?" No. Not really. But I want Z.
"Whatever you want. Do whatever. I'm fine. Honestly."
After an uncomfortable silence grows between us, I move away from his mouth embarrassed. Sitting on the bed beside Z, I’m mortified. I can’t do anything right. I swear to god, I’m just useless with this sex stuff.
"What did I do wrong? I'm sorry," I whisper through my embarrassment.
"You didn't do anything wrong, but I don't think you’re very comfortable with this, and I don't want to make you uneasy. Come back to me. Come here and kiss my lips." No!
"I'm fine..." and quickly taking Z back into my mouth, I suck him down deep, as I throw my leg over his face. Feeling his whole body jump makes me smile. Ha! Maybe I am okay at this. And then...
"Oh god!" I moan around him in my mouth. He has licked me down there and inserted a finger at the same time. It feels amazing, and dirty, and sexy, and... REALLY good. Z does it again. That is... ah... my knees start shaking already. Christ! He's good.
Taking him back in my mouth, I find it really difficult to concentrate on him. Everything he does, I want to imitate on his body. I feel Z flicking his tongue, and I flick mine in return. When we both moan at the same time, I can't help but smile as I feel myself writhe on him again.
Holding my hips, Z slightly lifts me up and down, back and forth across his mouth. One thumb is merciless on my clitoris. My moans are frequent and sometimes very loud. I can't stop. Trying to focus on him, I keep up my movements, but it just doesn't feel the same, as what he's doing to me. He isn't as loud, or moving as much.
"Am I doing this right? I'm sorry... I don't know what I'm doing...."
"You are doing more than alright. But if I don't stay in some kind of control I'll cum, and I don't want to yet. Relax, love. I'm very much enjoying giving and receiving." Was that his smile-voice?
Z moans again, and I relax further. He is working me so good; I start to feel the internal pulling thing. That movement and tightening inside that means I'm close. I wonder if he is close too. I wonder if I can actually make him release with just my mouth.
"Sweetheart, I don't want to cum in your mouth. I don't think you're ready for that. Please stop now. Please..." he begs with another moan. This is great! I guess I can make him release. I love making him moan like that.
Z impales me harder with 2 fingers, and I feel all my muscles tighten up around him. Everything is getting tense again. Everything feels tight, as he works me with his mouth and fingers. Ahhhh...
And suddenly I find myself on my back, as he twists out of the way, moving lower to take me again with his mouth. Oh my god! My legs are raised over his shoulders and his one arm holds my stomach flat. Uncontrollably, my hips jump and my back arches. Everything is so tight, I feel like I'm going to lose it soon.
"Z? I'm getting that feeling... It's happening again... Um, I want you..." Shit! Hurry up.
I don't know what he does next, but the pressure is incredible. And before my mind can process what he's doing to me, my body convulses and I hear my own screams echoing in the room.
When I am slightly coherent, I see Z pulling a condom onto himself. Watching him, I reali
ze I want him inside me so badly, even as I try to pull his thighs closer to me.
"Hold on, Sweetheart..." as Z begins lifting me toward him. Pulling me into his lap, Z kisses me so tenderly, I moan into his mouth. Wrapping my legs around his waist, Z maintains a kind of crossed leg, sitting position, with me straddling him. This feels so intimate. I hate eye contact, and this position demands it. I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the position.
"It's just you and I, Sweetheart... And I want to kiss you, and watch you as pleasure consumes you. You are so beautiful, and sensuous, and brave with me. I want you to feel this between us. Can you try, love? Can you be here with me?" God, I want to. Sensuous?
"Yes..."
And taking my lips again, Z lifts me once more, gently over his penis, as he starts a slow, up-down motion. Feeling him enter me slowly is exquisite. With my breasts rubbing against his chest, and my arms around his neck, I feel him... all of him entering me.
Pulling away from our kiss, Z smiles at me while staring hard into my eyes. I have to remember to breathe. Please, I don't want to freak out over this closeness. This is Z. This is Z here with me.
"You feel like a dream, and you look like an angel. Do you know how stunning you look right now, all flushed, and ready for me? Your eyes are beautiful blue pools of hunger and your lips are swollen and darkened from my kisses," Z says while continuing his slow up and down motion.
"No... I don't feel stunning... or, ah, beautiful...." Blush. Shit. Don't do this!
"But you are. If you trust nothing else I say to you, trust that. You are beautiful to me right now... always." Oh no! My eyes are filling with tears again.
"Oh, Sweetheart... I wish you had known this before me. I wish you had felt this kind of intimacy. You were made for tenderness and adoration. You were made for sex and passion. You were made for... me, I think."
Bursting into tears at his lovely words, I try to hide my face in his neck. I can't stand this intimacy. I almost want the bad sex I've had, so I know how to handle it. At least with the bad ‘Marcus-sex’ I know what to expect. This is too lovely, too intense. I don't know how to handle this.