She thought. I could tell she was searching hard for something. It seemed like she was digging deeper than last time, but coming up just as blank. I wondered if it would always be like that for her, if no memories stayed for very long. Then again, she did remember me.
“I don’t know. But I feel… I feel… free?” she asked me, like I would be able to name the feeling for her. Of course, I was just as lost as she was. “Something is over. It feels bittersweet.” Her little forehead creased, and she kept thinking.
“Did anyone hurt you? Are you okay?”
“My lungs hurt a bit. I think I swallowed some water. And these scratches burn a little. It feels… I don’t know… painful? I don’t know anything else.” She looked disappointed, like she wished she could offer me more. She started to shiver a bit from the breeze. It was starting to get dark, and the warmth was leaving with the sun. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“Oh.” I didn’t want to explain this. “Well, while you and I were sort of together, an ex-girlfriend showed up. She wasn’t invited; I didn’t know she was coming. She made some waves, and then you were gone.”
She got quiet and thoughtful. “If she made waves, then it doesn’t seem like I should be mad at you.”
“Well, I really should have asked her to go. I didn’t really want her back… it was… she was part of my past that I missed. Not so much her, but the time itself. I didn’t know how to separate them at that moment. Does that make any sense?”
“A lot, actually.” Her face was clear, as if she’d felt it all with me.
“I should have known you would get it. I could always tell you understood things. Even when you couldn’t say so, I could tell.” I could barely take in this moment. It seemed too good. First, that she was here. Second, that she wasn’t even upset with me. Third, that she didn’t seem to have any need or desire to go away.
We watched each other in silence for a moment.
I saw her shiver again, and I took off my shirt to give to her. She looked so tiny when she wore my things; it was adorable. She ducked her head with a blush, but glanced at my chest more than once. I think she might have caught me grinning at that, but I couldn’t help it. Maybe now wasn’t the moment to hope she still felt that way about me, but… who the hell cares?
I committed her to memory there… her hair dripping down her cheeks, the shining black dress clinging to her, the warm look on her face, and the complete comfort I felt with her wearing my clothes. Her smile was small when she spoke.
“Where am I exactly?”
“Port Clyde, Maine.”
“But I’m not from here?”
“I have no idea. This is the second time I’ve found you with no memory of what you’ve been through or where you’ve been. I’m guessing you have to be from somewhere close by to end up here twice. Last time you wore a dress a lot like this one— just as fancy but a different color. But last time you couldn’t talk. We thought you were in shock or something.”
“We?” she asked.
“Oh, yeah. You stayed with me and my cousin Ben and his wife Julie.”
“Julie…” she whispered, like maybe she remembered her, too. If she did, she didn’t say so. It looked like she was going a little crazy trying to think. “I don’t know what to do now.” She was so confused. I had a few thoughts about what she could do now, but I didn’t think a marriage proposal would go over too well at the moment.
“Well, you have some options.” I didn’t really want to give them to her, but it all had to be her choice this time. “We can go to my house and call the police— they were very helpful the last time. They can take you and set you up in a home with other women and get you a job. They had said last time that maybe that would be good for you.”
She took this in quietly, not bothered by the idea of shipping her off. So calm.
“Or… you could come and stay with me again.” Did I imagine the tiny smile? “Last time… well, last time I think you were happy there. And Ben and Julie would be glad to have you back.” I lowered my eyes. “I would be glad to have you back. Ben and Julie have a baby now, so it’s a bit crowded, but if you don’t mind that,” I looked up to her, “consider yourself at home.”
She closed her eyes. She looked like she was searching for some important piece of information in her head. Like she was trying to solve a puzzle.
“I have to be with you,” she finally said, though her forehead was still creased. She made the decision, but didn’t seem to know why. I didn’t care. I was happy. I knew I had a stupid look on my face, but I couldn’t help it. I’m a weird guy. I checked myself before I got too excited.
“Great,” I said. “Perfect.”
We held a smile between us for a moment. But before I could settle into this being real, I had to know something.
“Listen, could you do me a favor? If you want to leave again, that’s alright. I just need you to tell me, okay? Will you promise me you won’t just disappear again?” I had to know that if she changed her mind, I’d at least get a solid good-bye. I didn’t think I’d survive a second round of that worry.
She looked at me with unending tenderness in her eyes. It was a familiar sight, as if she had unknown amounts of patience. She put a hand to my cheek and stared into me. If she was trying to make sure I was paying attention, she didn’t have to go that far.
“Akinli… you are the only thing in this world that is familiar to me. You’ve opened your home to me. Twice now, right? And I think I’ve hurt you before. I see the hurt, but you’re the one doing the apologizing here. I don’t remember anything you did from before, but you’re being more than generous to me now. Why would I ever leave?” I think my breathing went a little haywire. I couldn’t focus for a moment. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” she whispered.
And she meant that. Kahlen didn’t really have it in her to lie. She was sorry she had hurt me, and she wasn’t planning on leaving.
Maybe I could hope for her. Maybe I could finally have some peace in my life. The hope filled me up, and I had to share it with someone. I had to get her to Ben and Julie. Now!
“Let’s go home,” I said. Her eyes lit up at the word. She nodded her head, and we started to move.
She was very unstable as I helped her up. I shouldn’t be glad for that, but it gave me an excuse to hold her closer than maybe I should have. I had one arm around her back and the other held her hand as we took uniform steps across the rocks. At one point, I just couldn’t hold it back any longer, and I kissed her on the top of her head. I wanted to do so much more, but I kept reminding myself that she didn’t remember all of that… and she probably almost drowned today. But she didn’t seem put off by it. Instead, she made a tiny, happy gasp when I got close to her. I tried to look down and read her face, but she had buried her head into my chest. I didn’t mind that.
“I remember your smell! I know your smell!” She was beyond excited.
I looked forward and walked. And smiled. And a damn tear got out anyway.
CHAPTER 19
Luckiest man on earth. If she said yes, there would be no one who could deny it.
I couldn’t stop wringing my hands and tugging on my clothes. I just had to stay calm. How was I supposed to stay calm?
Kahlen.
The whole day spun around her, but the only thing that could stop my world from shaking was Kahlen. So I settled on the couch, pretending to watch TV, and gazed at her.
It worked like magic. I felt an immediate peacefulness in my body when she was near me. It never failed. Even now.
She wasn’t doing anything special. Bex had fallen asleep on her blanket, surrounded by toys in the middle of the living room floor. Kahlen was hovering over her, hair tucked behind her ear, but still almost brushing the baby’s face. Kahlen was gently stroking Bex’s face over and over, completely content. Though she had no memory of a family, she must have had an
amazing mother— it came to her so naturally.
Natural. That was a good way of describing Kahlen’s fit into the family. Ever since she came back, it was as if she was always meant to be here. I couldn’t believe how simple it had been.
I thought I had lost her trust forever after the huge mistake of not immediately turning Casey away. But Kahlen refused to hold anything against me that she couldn’t remember. She said, as far as she and I were concerned, we were starting our friendship on a clean slate. I was a little discouraged that she used the word “friendship” instead of “relationship.” I thought I had made it clear in our first conversation on the rocks that she was much more than a friend to me.
But I was a determined man. I knew I loved her. I had spent a year without her, and that wasn’t ever going to happen again. So I got to work. Every day was an opportunity to prove to Kahlen that I could deserve her one day. That was my mission.
She moved in again, but this time I wanted to make it more permanent. We essentially shared my room, but at night she got the bed while I took the couch. She kept insisting I should keep the bed because it was my room. I assured her that it was our room now, and it would personally offend me if she took the couch. That settled it; she was such a lady she couldn’t bring herself to bother anyone. But it sucked for a couple of reasons.
First of all, I wanted her. All the time. Every freaking night I was wishing she’d ask me to stay with her and just say we could share the bed. I dreamed it up a hundred ways. But, in almost all of those dreams, she ended up naked. And I was determined to be a gentleman with her. This was the girl I was going to keep. Second, it’s hard to get comfortable on the couch. It’s not bad, but my body’s too long for it. So I slept less, which was a pain; I really love sleep. But if it meant that Kahlen could sense that I cared about her, I would have slept on the rocks outside. Besides, it was much better than the sleep I’d had while she was gone.
I also helped her get clothes so she could get a job. It was hard to get a job in a prom dress, and she couldn’t buy non-prom clothes without a job, so someone needed to start the process. Once Kahlen was employed, she insisted on paying me back. I couldn’t stop her, so I just spent the money she gave me on her. She kept saying I was ridiculously lucky around the third or fourth time I told her I found a twenty on the street and she should let me take her out to dinner. I wouldn’t deny my luck, not with her around, and she was much too innocent to question me. I really loved that about her— that she was just sweet. Not obnoxiously sweet, but kind in a way that she saw the best in everyone. In her eyes, I was above lying. If it had been any other circumstance, I don’t think I could have lied to her. I loved Kahlen too much to hurt her.
When she was finally normally clothed, I helped her start job hunting. It was hard because she wanted a job before all the legal identity stuff was done, but she managed to get in at the library just outside of town. She was absolutely perfect for it. Kahlen loved stories, had a mysterious tolerance for silence, and really liked having a job. Kahlen started some story time programs for kids, bringing some fresh ideas to the old ladies at the branch, and they genuinely appreciated her energy. It was great. I tried not to laugh when she dressed up as a bunny for story time, or covered her head in green yarn when she chose to read The Giving Tree. Her enthusiasm was contagious, so I found myself helping out a lot.
I prided myself in being pretty macho, but one day Kahlen did a handful of princess books, and I ended up wearing a green sweat suit and these cheesy looking horns pretending to be a dragon. This was before I realized that the parents usually stayed for story time… and that I knew a lot of them from high school and living in such a small town. Some of the guys razzed me for the whole dragon thing. But I looked over and realized that I was doing this for the girl in the tiara. The girl in the tiara was going home with me. The girl in the tiara might love me back one day. I’d dress up however she wanted me to.
These were just the things I did. It wasn’t always easy or fun, but I put her first in everything. I figured whatever life she led before this, whatever family abandoned her twice, she had earned the right to be number one to someone. And that someone was going to be me. It was slow. It was hard. But in September when the seasons started to change, it paid off.
It was starting to get cold and Julie showed Kahlen how to knit. Kahlen ended up making this scarf for me. It was possibly the most ragged thing ever created, and it was made out of purpley girly scraps from Julie’s yarn collection (which was admittedly the most masculine color option), but she made it for me, and I wore it every day. From the first draft in late September until spring started to show in April, I wore my purple scarf. I loved that stupid thing. Loved it! Kahlen made it with her own two hands, and she made it for me.
Around the time the scarf made its appearance, I noticed she started sensing things in me. It was weird. I would be thinking I was thirsty, and she’d just be leaving the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn and sodas for the both of us. And she could always sense when I had a rough time sleeping. Kahlen was just attuned to me that way. She would come out into the living room when stress or aches or the uncomfortably small couch kept me up. It was precious to see her peek out the door to double check if I was awake. Kahlen would settle herself on the floor by the couch and run her fingers through my hair. It was so soothing.
She would make up stories for me until I fell asleep. They were incredible, and we were always the stars. We would go to Antarctica and hold baby penguins. Or we would go to Spain and run with the bulls. She and I traveled the world doing things I hadn’t known were possible. Lots of times we swam in the ocean, far out into the middle of the sea, without needing to breathe. Those were my favorites. I’d been a fisherman for a while now; I’d really gotten close to the ocean. Kahlen dreamed up a lifetime of adventures for us, and just her presence calmed me to sleep.
Kahlen took care of me when I was sick and rubbed my back when I ached. She encouraged me when I was down, and laughed along with me when I was in a silly mood. It may not sound very exciting, but she gave me a constant assurance that I was gaining her affection. It was steady. I tried to be encouraged by it, but it was hard in comparison to our first week together. Last time, her feelings seemed almost as immediate as mine, but this time around, she seemed disoriented and less sure of herself. I couldn’t guess at her feelings.
I was man enough to be willing to bring up the subject; I was sure about how I felt and was ready to tell her when the right moment came. Dozens of times I just wanted to tell her, but I was too afraid to scare her. Kahlen seemed confused sometimes, and I wanted her to feel steady and safe here, even if that meant I didn’t get to tell her how I felt about her for a long, long time. The moment came unexpectedly.
We were getting ready for bed. It was October, so she was bundled up, sitting on the bed and watching the ocean out the window. Even covered from head to toe, she looked so sexy to me. Sometimes I just had to wonder if there was something wrong with me, if sweats were becoming my new idea of lingerie. I’d wanted to kiss her since I found her, but I knew I had to wait. Last time, I practically forced our first kiss on her. This time she had to want it.
And I had to earn it.
I was grabbing an extra blanket out of the top of the closet to keep myself warm. I was moving slow on purpose. She looked… lonely? Sad? It’s hard to know an exact emotion by the back on someone’s head.
“Akinli?” she asked, still staring at the ocean.
“Yes?”
“Have you ever… have you ever missed something you weren’t sure was really there?”
That was a strange one, but not hard to comprehend. I thought about how, after she’d disappeared, I was convinced I’d dreamed her up. And it was hard because I wanted her to be real… because I knew how I felt about her. But if she wasn’t real, it would hurt less that she was gone. I hadn’t felt that emptiness in a while, but it came back clearly just t
hen.
“Yeah… I think I know what you mean. I mean, I know what it is to ache for something and not be sure why or if you should. But then that doesn’t matter, because you miss it anyway.” I didn’t like to think about her being gone. Moments like that made me revert to that habit of taking mental snapshots of her, in case she ever disappeared again. I looked at her hair— it was getting longer. I noticed how small she managed to make herself when she curled up. I watched her hands— she twirled her still-broken necklace in her delicate fingers.
“You always understand me,” she whispered.
I watched as she slowly turned and met my gaze. There was something new in her eyes just then. I couldn’t even bring myself to blink, she looked so beautiful.
“Akinli?” she breathed. It seemed like every other day she found a new way to say my name, and every time it caught me by surprise. This one was breathy, heavy.
“Yes?” I replied, almost as quiet as her.
“Have you ever just known something should be? Without knowing why or how, that something was just supposed to be?” Her eyes were locked on mine. Her breath was coming fast. Was she thinking what I was?
My heart was thrashing in my chest. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend this girl was my friend when I knew she was infinitely more than that to me. She had always been. I dropped whatever I was holding as I started across the room.
The “yes” barely made it out of my mouth before my lips hit hers. The second they did, her hands were in my hair. And she was definitely kissing back. I took these invitations as a sign that she and I were, yet again, on the same wavelength. I meant to be gentle with her, but it wasn’t my fault it didn’t stay that way. When Kahlen got started, she was always very passionate. It didn’t make things easy for me, but I enjoyed it all the same.
She fell back on the bed, and I stayed above her leading this kiss on and on so it just wouldn’t stop. Ohhhh! And she wrapped her leg around me like she was trying to keep me from getting away. I loved that; it was so damn sexy. When that happened after so many of our kisses later, she always said she didn’t mean to do it. That was my favorite involuntary impulse in the world.