‘This is unwise,’ Huriel said. ‘Talk to him now.’
‘No. I’d say something I regret. I need some time.’
Huriel sighed. ‘Very well. But I think you’re making a mistake.’ I heard his footsteps retreat.
Malakess turned up after lunch. I’d hardly slept, and had spent the night reconstructing defences around my heart. I went to him in the sitting room. He was standing in the middle of the floor. In his hands, he held my coat, which he offered to me. I didn’t take it.
‘Gesaril, I can quite understand your anger,’ he said.
‘I’m glad,’ I replied.
‘I have naturally removed Iscane from office,’ he began, but before he could say more, I interrupted.
‘What? You’ve fired him?’
‘Of course. This is a regrettable situation. I will not have his friends threatening you like that. It’s insupportable.’
‘Iscane had nothing to do with it,’ I said. ‘You must reinstate him.’
‘That’s generous of you, but no. It’s clear he must go. I’ve already found him a position elsewhere.’
‘Does he mean so little to you?’ I asked, genuinely aghast. ‘You’ll just cast him aside like that and give him to somehar else? It’s hypocritical of you, considering how you and Huriel criticised the Gelaming for suggesting you give me to the Nagini.’
‘It’s hardly the same,’ Malakess said. ‘Iscane has overstepped a mark. Whether he was anything to do with what happened last night or not, he has made huge assumptions and has led his friends to believe in them too. I never, at any time, indicated I considered our relationship to be chesna. His loose talk has embarrassed both you and me. Our feelings aside, that cannot go unpunished. I am High Codexia. I don’t want scandal connected with my name.’
‘Nor I!’ I said angrily. I sighed. ‘Look, the main issue here for me is what hara think of me in Kyme. I enjoy life here. I don’t want it spoiled. I think it would be best for both of us if we ended our physical relationship.’
Malakess stared at me as if I’d spoken in a foreign tongue.
‘I’m not being petty,’ I said. ‘I just don’t want the hara here thinking badly of me. We’ve had some good times together, and we can still be friends and colleagues, but I won’t be accused of wrecking other hara’s lives. If I am with you, hara will always say I seduced and stole you from another har to advance my own position. I would rather advance my position through my own merit and preferably without making enemies.’
‘You are quite happy just to end it?’ Malakess snapped, as if he’d only heard half my words. ‘Does our union mean nothing to you beyond the physical?’
‘I consider you one of my dearest friends,’ I said, ‘but I’m not like other hara, Malakess. I have to protect myself and perhaps you too, in this case.’
‘You haven’t answered my question,’ Malakess said.
‘I think I have.’
‘Yes,’ he said softly, ‘so you have.’
‘I’ll not forget what you’ve done for me. I hope we can remain friends.’
He inclined his head to me but said nothing. Before I could speak again, he left the room.
Huriel was so angry he couldn’t bring himself to speak to me properly for two days. I felt as if I was made of ice. There were no emotions inside me. I went to my bed alone at night and lay awake, but I didn’t mourn. I wouldn’t let myself. I kept repeating over and over, you didn’t love him. It was nothing. If Malakess’s face came to my mind, I banished the image. I built a shell around myself, cold, unfeeling, mechanical. I didn’t even let Huriel’s behaviour affect me. I spoke to him as I always did and when he was curt with me, I made no comment.
Ystayne and Rayzie kept their distance, as if the toxic atmosphere in the house burned their skins. They retreated to the kitchens and stayed there, and I did not violate their territory. I went out into the town and kept my gaze straight ahead of me. I did my work for Huriel, but was not summoned to the library. I regretted that, but perhaps when this situation was old and stale, Malakess would call for me. I understood that he must be feeling embarrassed at the moment.
Aruhanisday, Adkayamoon 14
These last ten days have been really difficult. I haven’t had the heart to write anything. I’ve just existed, tried almost to make myself invisible. I just want things to return to normal. Huriel and I have barely been speaking, but earlier today he said he wished to speak to me. From his tone, I gathered that this was not to be a friendly chat. We went to his office.
‘You might like to know that Malakess is leaving Kyme,’ he said.
‘Where is he going?’
Huriel moved a few pens around his desk, not looking at me. ‘To Immanion. This was discussed briefly while the Gelaming were here. Chrysm Luel thought it would be beneficial if a Sulh went to the Great Library in Immanion for some time. Malakess was in two minds, but given what’s happened, he thought it would be best to go.’
I shrugged. It’s nothing to do with you, I thought.
Huriel looked up and me shook his head. ‘You’ve utterly confused me, Gesaril. You’re not who I took you to be.’
‘I don’t know why you’re so angry,’ I said. ‘If Malakess wasn’t your friend, you’d feel differently. If I’d acted this way in Jesith, I wouldn’t even be here now.’
Huriel pulled a sour face. ‘How can you be so callous?’
‘I’m not. Malakess had a relationship with somehar, but then thought I’d be a better prospect in terms of a consort. It all seems very political to me. I’ve stepped out of it. What’s so bad about that?’
Huriel uttered a choked laugh. ‘You think that was how he felt?’ He sighed. ‘Have I made you this monster? Is it my fault?’
I laughed. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done. ‘Monster? I’m trying to do the right thing. I wish I’d done it in Jesith. I’ll not make the same mistake twice. There’s no Huriel waiting for me this time, to take me away to a better life. I have to make my own.’
‘It was just a few silly young hara,’ Huriel said, punctuating his words with a stiff finger, he pointed at me. ‘Just a few said some stupid things to you, and you deconstructed your entire future. Are you mad? Malakess loved you, Gesaril, but now he’s castigating himself for giving his heart to so young a har. He’s bereft, even if he can’t show it.’
‘He did not love me,’ I said. ‘He never said anything like that to me.’
‘He wouldn’t. But, that’s probably for the best, since it’s patently obvious you didn’t feel the same. I’m not angry with you, just saddened.’
I rubbed my hands over my face. ‘I’m saddened too, Huriel. I trusted Malakess. I really believed he was my future, but I can’t be close to, never mind chesna, with a har who’s so deceitful, and who would carelessly cast aside another, who’s shared his bed for so long, just because he finds somehar he considers “better material”. It’s disgusting. You all wanted me to learn from what happened in Jesith, and I have. I agree it’s probably best if Malakess leaves Kyme for a while. When he returns, all will be forgotten.’
‘If he returns,’ Huriel said. ‘I can appreciate how you feel, I really can, but I think you’re over-reacting.’
‘I’m not. I had bruises to prove it, remember. I’ve thought about it all a lot and have tried to put Malakess in a positive light, but at the very least, he should have ended his association with Iscane before I started accompanying him to official events. There should have been some respectable gap. He should have told me everything from the start. I’d have been more careful.’ I threw up my hands. ‘Oh, I don’t know. It’s just a mess.’ I appealed to Huriel with a wide-eyed gaze. ‘I just want us to get back to how we were. I miss Malakess, and I’m really sorry I can’t be with him, but try to understand how I feel. Please, Huriel! I can’t live here with a horde of Jassenahs watching my every move.’
Huriel uttered a soft sound and drew me into his arms. I wanted to weep, but I couldn’t. There was a hard painful lump in my thr
oat, condensed emotion. ‘I love you too,’ Huriel said. ‘You’re like a son to me, Gesaril. Of course, we’ll get back to how we were, but can’t you at least go to Malakess, see him before he leaves?’
I pressed my face into Huriel’s hair. ‘Don’t ask me to do that. Please.’ The truth was, I didn’t trust myself. If Malakess should do something like confess his feelings for me, I might well cave in and fall into his arms.
Huriel sighed. ‘All right. I’ll respect your decision, but it’s just so sad, such a waste.’
Aruhanisday, Adkayamoon 21
Today is the eve of Natalia and Kyme is infused with the spirit of this best of festivals. Snow lies thick upon the ground and every house is decorated with holly and ivy bows. The holly berries are shockingly red this year. Huriel says this is because we had a lot of rain. Tonight, we will attend a ritual and party at the Poltenemy manse, and then tomorrow some of Huriel’s colleagues are coming over to spend the day with us. The house looks beautiful because Rayzie has decorated the ground floor throughout with evergreens and ribbons. The air smells of Natalia; an unmistakeable scent of cut greens, pine and spicy cooking that always has me thinking back to the days before my harlinghood was spoiled. Natalia is always a huge community party in the Shadowvales. Amazingly, I have received a gift from my parents accompanied by a letter from my hostling. They have sent me a vakei, a ritual blade. It really is beautiful, and I will use it always. My hostling congratulated me on my ascension to Brynie. I’d written to him to tell him about it. Who knows, one day we might actually become friends?
On to other matters… It appears that everyhar in Kyme has got to hear about the sorry tragedy of my affair with Malakess. I’m gratified to note that I’m regarded with a new kind of respect, because everyhar also knows that I’ve ended my relationship with the High Codexia. I’m not the soume shrew adventurer, after all. Not everyhar agrees with my decision, first generation particularly, but I gather from Ystayne and Rayzie that many pure borns consider that I’ve stood up for our generation, and have shown the haughty High Codexia that we’re not to be used like bedroom toys. Now Malakess’s house stands empty and snow drifts against the front door.
I do miss him terribly, but I’m glad that the hostility against me has died down. I’ve resolved never again to take aruna with anyhar unless I’m sure of their history. I look upon the whole episode as being like a rite of passage. If I have moments when my armour slips and I want to sit alone in a private place and grieve, I have more when I feel positive about myself and the future. In the new year, I’ll begin work in the main library itself. A position has been offered to me, and it’s not lost on me that the har who made the offer is second generation.
Of course, all this activity and scandal has meant I’ve had little time to be taken unawares by hauntings of earlier hurts. It’s easier to push the sad ghosts away, shut the door on them, turn up the light.
Aloytsday, Snowmoon 2
Today, I had an unexpected visitor. Iscane turned up at the house, asking to see me. I’d heard he now worked for another Codexia but we’d not run into each other.
I met with Iscane in Huriel’s office, a formal setting in which I felt most comfortable. Iscane looked healthy enough; there was no sign of despair or grief on his face. He’s a very attractive har, clearly well educated and intelligent, and I honestly can’t understand why Malakess should have considered me more worthy than him.
‘I hope you don’t mind me coming to see you,’ Iscane said, and there was no longer iciness in his voice. His friendly mien made him appear more attractive. If he’d been like this with me from the start, if we’d become friends, then all the unpleasantness could have been avoided. I’d have never begun a relationship with Malakess, for a start.
‘Not at all. What can I do for you?’
‘Nothing,’ he said, sitting down on a chair next to the fire. ‘I just feel responsible for that episode at Poltenemy’s party last Mistmoon. I keep thinking about it, so realised I really had to come and see you. New year, new starts… I want you to know I didn’t ask Nasander and the others to act on my behalf. It was appalling behaviour.’
‘Well, rightly or wrongly, you all had a set of beliefs about me,’ I said. ‘I can’t say I was greatly pleased by what happened, but I’m also somewhat grateful for it. I really had no idea about you and Malakess.’
‘I know,’ Iscane said. ‘Malakess told me.’ He pulled a sad, sour face. ‘He told me as he was kicking me out of my home.’
‘I’m sorry about that,’ I said. ‘I did tell him he should reinstate you. I had no wish to cause you pain.’
‘We were wrong about you,’ Iscane said. ‘Please accept my apologies on behalf of all of us.’
‘You weren’t wrong. I used to be the sort of har you thought I was. The fact is that what happened at the party helped me overcome my own past, and I’m grateful for that. So I accept your apology wholeheartedly.’
Iscane nodded. ‘Then I hope we can all put it behind us. Would you have dinner with me this Aruhanisday? I would like to make amends.’
The thought of having to face the very group who’d confronted me left me cold, and I hesitated before answering. Iscane smiled, clearly having picked up on my reservations. ‘Just you and I,’ he said. ‘Just dinner. I’d really like it if you’d accept.’
‘Yes, thank you, I’d like that,’ I said.
Iscane stood up. ‘Good. I’ll call for you about seven o’clock. I know you’ve not been out much in town since you arrived, so I’ll take you to a good restaurant, show you around a bit.’
Pelfazzarsday, Snowmoon 6
And so, my formal introduction into the younger society of Kyme has commenced. Last night, Iscane took me to a place called Shivering Firs, which specialised in dishes from the Almagabran continent. He was charming and entertaining company, and more than once I found myself wondering why on earth Malakess hadn’t been in love with him.
After two bottles of wine, and quite late into the evening, Iscane asked me teasingly, ‘So, all that gossip about you was true? You had to be physically removed from Jesith to protect the reputation of the rooning Hienama?’
I laughed. ‘Pretty much, yes. I had a crush on him, a really big one, and I behaved badly. He had a chesnari, and a new son. I don’t know what possessed me.’ A part of myself winced inside at these words. I didn’t mean any of them, not really.
‘Hmm, I’ve heard that Ysobi is quite something,’ Iscane said. ‘It was probably just a case of what we see so often; older hara taking advantage of us pure borns.’
I didn’t think I was as political about it as all young hara in Kyme seemed to be. ‘Not really,’ I said. ‘I knew what I was doing. Still, it’s behind me now. I really appreciate you taking me out like this. I want to make my life here. I love Kyme.’
‘I’ll help you,’ Iscane said. ‘The har you’ll be working with is a good sort. You can count on having a full social schedule, trust me!’ He grinned. ‘And if it’s a chesnari you’re looking for, we’ll find you somehar deliciously appropriate.’
‘Oh, I’m not looking for that,’ I said. ‘I just want to have a good time.’
‘Good for you!’
Iscane lived in a converted stable in the grounds of his new employer. He enthused about this place, and how much better it was than Malakess’s house, which he considered ‘draughty’. ‘I’m much happier now,’ he said. ‘Looking back, it’s easy to see how miserable I was without even realising it. I spent the entire time waiting for Malakess to give me attention. Isn’t it odd, the way that once it’s all over, and the emotions have gone, you can’t believe the way you felt?’
A freezing wave went through me. There it was; a whisper in the room, a cold spot, a ghost. ‘Yes, it’s odd,’ I said. ‘It’s such a breakthrough when you think of him, and then realise it’s the first time you’ve thought of him for days, when before he was on your mind all the time.’
‘That’s exactly it!’ Iscane said. I could tell he
thought we were both talking about Malakess.
‘Do you miss him?’ Iscane asked.
I paused. ‘I’ll never forget him. It just wasn’t meant to be. But he helped me a lot. And his chesnari helped me too.’
Iscane coloured a little and smiled at the table. ‘It’s his pleasure.’ I felt the pressure of a foot against my right leg. He’d taken off his shoes, and his long bare toes flexed against me. My flesh contracted. It felt as if a sleeping snake stirred drowsily in my belly. Why not? I thought. This would be uncomplicated, and it was something I’d have to do eventually. ‘I’d like to see your new home,’ I said.
‘I’d like to show it to you,’ Iscane responded. ‘We could go there now, if you want.’
‘I want.’
He laughed. ‘Let me pay the bill. Won’t be long.’
I watched him slink across the restaurant, a tall, slim perfect har, his long fair hair swinging loose down his back.
We walked back arm in arm, kicking up the powdery snow. Iscane wore a huge fur coat and at one point he stopped walking and enveloped me into its musky warmth. We shared breath, snowflakes settling on our hair and clothes. ‘You taste like roses,’ Iscane murmured.
‘And you like honey,’ I said.
‘What a tasty combination.’ He put his lips to mine once more.
Iscane’s apartment was on the first floor of the old building and to reach it we had to climb some very narrow stairs that creaked ominously. The space above was one huge room, and was indeed a very tasteful and comfortable place. A huge fire burned in a wide hearth, well stocked with logs. I wondered whether Iscane had planned on bringing me here all along, seeing as the room was so nicely warmed. His bed lay beneath a skylight in the arched ceiling. There were many furs upon it. ‘Get undressed,’ Iscane said. ‘I want to see you naked. I’ll get us something to drink.’