‘Who do I remind you of?’
I still held his gaze. He thought this was very amusing. ‘I think you know,’ I said, hopefully with dignity, and got to my feet. Whatever Huriel’s fond projections for this meeting, it was clear they would never be realised.
‘Oh, do sit down, Gesaril,’ Malakess said, laughing. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know, actually. I just hope it was somehar presentable.’
I wouldn’t sit down again, but decided not to leave just yet. ‘You know my history?’ I asked.
Malakess displayed his palms, shrugged. ‘Some of it. You came from Jesith under a cloud. You’re reputed to be a troublesome young thing, or maybe just troubled. It’s not my concern. It’s the past. Why dwell on it?’
‘I trained in Jesith under Ysobi. You know of him?’
Malakess nodded, pulled down the corners of his mouth in rather a caustic smile. ‘Of course,’ he said dryly. ‘One of Kyme’s brightest students, a credit to our academy.’
‘Our relationship became… unprofessional,’ I said. ‘It caused problems in the community. I had to leave.’
Malakess frowned. ‘I’m not sure I understand you, but then I don’t really want to know. What has this to do with me?’
‘You look like him. You look like Ysobi.’ There, it was said. I braced myself for his response.
‘Oh… A bad reminder. I see.’ He smiled more naturally. ‘Do I really look like him? I can’t see it myself.’
‘It seems I’m the only one who can.’
‘So you’re afraid I’ll be harsh with you? You’re expecting criticism or punishment, maybe? Please don’t think that. I know nothing about you, really. I don’t care what you did in Jesith. As long as you work well here, that’s all that matters. And from what I’ve heard, you’re doing very well.’
In those words, I sensed an impending dismissal. He didn’t get it at all: thank the dehara. ‘Well… thank you,’ I said, ducking my head. ‘I won’t keep you any longer. It was important to Huriel I explain myself to you, and I intend to put all the ghosts behind me. I appreciate you listening to me. I must sound very stupid.’
Malakess waved a hand at me. ‘Think nothing of it. I appreciate your honesty also. I can see you find this difficult.’
I nodded. ‘I’m glad I came. Huriel was right.’
I began to walk towards the door but Malakess called me back. ‘Gesaril, please sit down again. I’d like to know more about you, your aspirations and so on. Has Huriel devised a programme of work for you? What about your caste training? Would you like tea? And don’t sit over there. You’ll find a chair outside the door in the hallway. Bring that in, sit by me.’
One thing I think I learned about Malakess that day was that he is not naturally devious, nor prone to playing subtle mind games. I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted for the future, but that I enjoyed my work with Huriel, and that eventually I’d know what I wanted to do with my life.
‘True, you have plenty of time,’ Malakess said. ‘You could train to become a codexia or a hienama here, if you wish.’ He waved an arm to indicate the entire room. ‘Look at this place. Nearly everything in this house is old, and was built or devised by humans. What will happen when it all wears out? Wraeththu need hara with fine minds for the future. There is much we have to accomplish.’
‘I know what you mean,’ I said, warming to the subject, since it was something I’d often discussed with Rayzie. ‘For example, every house has a clock, but do we have enough skilled clockmakers to repair them or make new ones?’ I shrugged. ‘Clocks are just one thing.’
‘Quite,’ said Malakess. ‘We want clocks but we don’t want factories or intensive industry, but maybe there are some who do.’ He tapped his lips with the fingers of one hand, staring out of the window. ‘What we have to decide is what is valid and useful, what luxuries are reasonable, and how to manufacture things without causing pollution or waste.’
‘It’s a very big task,’ I said.
‘That’s why I work with the Gelaming,’ Malakess said. ‘They have their faults, but also their uses.’
‘Hmm…’
‘You should go to Immanion one day. You’d find it interesting.’ He put his head to one side. ‘Where do you come from?’
‘The Shadowvales, not far from Jesith. Our community is an example of all that is best and worst about the Sulh.’
Malakess laughed. ‘I have heard of it. I wouldn’t have said worst… why do you say that?’
I shrugged awkwardly. ‘Hara there don’t live in reality. They think the world is a benevolent place, and when things don’t conform to that idea, they ignore them.’
‘Perhaps they are simply trying to create a better reality by living it.’
I laughed harshly. ‘Perhaps.’ That pathetic ideal had ruined my life. I wasn’t allowed to have horrors in my past. They had been ignored, pushed away, so that they condensed deep inside me only to leak out like poison.
There was a silence, and I didn’t even notice it. Malakess broke it, softly. ‘What happened to you, Gesaril?’
I debated whether to tell him. I’d kept silent in Jesith until it had been too late. ‘When I was a young harling, some friends and I were attacked by rogue hara. My parents…’ I shook my head. ‘They didn’t know how to deal with it, so they thought it best to ignore it.’
‘Were they ever caught, the attackers?’ Malakess asked sharply.
‘No. They were long gone by the time I managed to get home. I was lucky to survive. Others were taken, one killed.’
‘I’m… I’m very sorry to hear that,’ Malakess said. He paused. ‘Does Huriel know of this?’
‘Not yet,’ I said, sure that Malakess would tell him.
‘Did you suffer any… lasting injuries?’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think so. But more of the mind than the body.’
‘Understandable,’ Malakess said. ‘Perfectly so. Is this what caused your problem in Jesith?’
‘Yes and no… it was complicated.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘You said you didn’t want to know.’
‘It’s different now.’
I sighed. ‘No, I don’t want to talk about it. Thank you, but no.’ The only har I’d ever talked to about it, apart from Huriel, was Jassenah, of all hara; Ysobi’s chesnari. I’d thought him my worst enemy, but he’d saved me in Jesith. Without him, I’d be dead. He’d chased my phantoms away, the ones I’d dragged with me for many years. He’d chased them away once Ysobi had abandoned me to myself. It is hard to hate Jassenah now.
‘Take care with yourself,’ Malakess said gently. ‘Don’t keep things inside that need to come out. I don’t wish to sound patronising, but I am an ancient being in comparison to you, and believe me I saw and experienced many hideous things in the early days.’
I nodded. ‘I appreciate that.’
‘You know,’ Malakess said, ‘us incepted hara are completely aware of what the pure born think of us. But one thing you should consider: we at least have the experience of what it’s like to be afraid, what it’s like to suffer pain and cruelty, to live on the run, with no sanctuary, surrounded by those who can’t be trusted. Sometimes, in some situations, we are the best hara to speak to. Do you understand me?’
‘Utterly,’ I said. ‘Thank you.’ I wondered then what had happened to him, once long ago.
So despite my early misgivings, Huriel had in fact been right. Malakess was a decent and wise har, and I’d ended up enjoying his company. The more we’d talked, the less he’d discomforted me. Ysobi will fade from him slowly; it’s an exorcism.
When I finally left Malakess’s house, even the sky had cleared. I felt surprisingly light of spirit and decided to wander into town for a while. All around me, hara were going about their daily business. I felt invisible among them. My feet led me to the markets and there I browsed among the stalls. I walked down an aisle where everyhar sold curios, human artefacts scavenged from the ruins of long dead towns.
Beyond this were merchants selling herbs and sachets, and equipment for the occult arts. I paused to peruse the wares of a young har who carved beautiful little boxes from various types of wood.
‘Every one of them is different,’ he told me.
I nodded and picked up one of the smallest boxes. This is the one, I thought. ‘How much?’ I asked the vendor.
‘Three bits to you,’ he replied. It was ridiculously cheap.
I smiled charmingly. ‘Thank you.’ I nodded towards a treasure heap of crystals that were strewn upon a cloth of black velvet on the stall. ‘I’ll take a quartz also.’
‘You can have one for free,’ said the har. He grinned. ‘Don’t take advantage. At least pick a small one.’
I laughed and did so. It didn’t matter how big the stone was; this was only a gesture. ‘Can you wrap it in something for me?’
The har nodded. ‘It’s a gift, then?’
‘Yes. Yes it is.’
I watched the har’s nimble brown fingers wrap up my purchase in what appeared to be handmade paper dyed blue. He bound it with twine and handed it to me. ‘Some har is lucky to be receiving a present from you,’ he said.
‘No, it is me who is lucky,’ I replied and gave him the money. ‘Thank you.’
After this, I went to a café and ordered a mug of the locally brewed cider. I asked the proprietor if he had writing implements, and he gave me a pen and some ink. I sat outside in the garden at the back of the café and wrote upon my parcel: Jassenah har Jesith, Lyonis. I hoped I had just enough money left to send it to him.
The mail bureau wasn’t very busy that day. I asked how long it would take for the package to reach Jesith and the clerk replied, ‘A despatch to the south goes out in two days. Given the route, it can take up to a month for items to reach their destination, but it’s often sooner than that. Depends what the rider has to deliver and where.’
I was pleased to discover that quite a lot of mail was scheduled for the south; this meant that the clerk was happy to charge me a pittance for my small delivery. ‘There’s a pile going to Jesith,’ he said. ‘As you must know, quite a lot of communication passes between here and there.’
I hadn’t known that, but looked upon it as a fortunate circumstance.
I had considered whether I should write a letter to Jassenah, but somehow I couldn’t find the heart to do it. I’d considered sending the package anonymously, but then on impulse, before I finally handed it over to the mail clerk, I asked for a pen and wrote ‘from Gesaril, Kyme’ on the back. I hoped the gesture of the exquisite little box and its pure sparkling contents would imply what I wanted it to imply.
Huriel was pleased with me, and didn’t question why I’d been out for most of the day. Perhaps he thought I’d spent all that time with Malakess. As the afternoon faded into evening, I began to feel uncomfortable about the package I’d sent to Jassenah. Was I sending it to him merely to maintain some kind of contact, no matter how tenuous, with Ysobi? My mind said not, but I wasn’t sure it could be trusted. I even considered going to the mail bureau in the morning to retrieve the package. But in the end I decided to let it go. I would deliver it into the hands of fate. Jassenah might throw my gift into the nearest pond, for all I knew.
Pelfazzarsday, Ardourmoon 8
An invitation has come. How could he? I can’t write any more today.
Lunilsday, Ardourmoon 9
So, this is what happened yesterday…
A function was being held at the Academy, in honour of a visiting delegation of Nagini, hara from a hot country far to the east. Malakess was invited to this party, naturally, and had sent me an invitation asking if I’d accompany him. Clearly, Huriel expected me to react with surprise and pleasure to the invitation, but honestly I felt sick and disappointed. I’d believed Malakess had understood and respected me; he’d seemed like the impartial teacher that Ysobi had never been. But then this. While Huriel enthused about what a privilege this was for me, I sat there in silence, staring at the note, thinking differently. All the time while we’d been speaking, Malakess had been like any other har and had wanted me. That’s what this was all about. As if he cared about whether or not I met dignitaries from a foreign land. He wanted me on his arm, no doubt, to show off to his colleagues, and then later he’d expect me to swoon into his bed. It was tiresomely predictable.
‘What’s the matter?’ Huriel asked, his excitement punctured by the fact I wasn’t sharing it.
I shrugged. ‘Well… I just didn’t expect this.’
‘It’s an amazing opportunity,’ Huriel said. ‘Not just anyhar gets invited to Academy functions, you know. I haven’t been asked to this one! And the hara from the Nagini are extremely high-ranking. Imagine what tales they’ll have to tell. We know so little of what goes on in other lands.’
‘I haven’t been invited,’ I said. ‘Malakess just had an invite for himself and a companion.’
‘So what?’ Huriel paused and frowned. ‘I thought everything was fine between you and Kess now.’
‘It is… well I thought it was. Why does he want me to go, Huriel?’
‘It’s simply a generous gesture,’ Huriel replied. ‘What do you mean?’
I sighed. ‘He could have asked me back to his house to teach me. He could have offered me work. He could even have told me about this event while I was with him.’ I shook my head. ‘No, he’s been thinking about me, that’s all. I’m sure he’s telling himself he’s concerned for me, and can help me, but ultimately it’s just down to the same old thing.’
Huriel’s expression had become flinty. ‘If you’re referring to intimacy, then surely that’s an intrinsic part of our being? If, indeed, he does wish to know you better, how can that possibly offend you?’
I pressed my hands briefly against my eyes. ‘I don’t know,’ I said, ‘but it does. It’s the assumption, maybe…’
Huriel expressed a humourless laugh. ‘Gesaril, you’re a lovely har, you and I both know that. Perhaps Malakess does desire you. Wouldn’t you be more offended if he didn’t?’
I glanced at him; he was regarding me with his head to one side. ‘No, I wouldn’t. You don’t understand.’
‘The way I see it, if one har desires another, he initiates some kind of social event in order to find out whether anything else is viable. Perhaps that is what your invitation’s about, but perhaps not. In either case, you should just go and enjoy yourself. You’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to do.’
‘I don’t want anything embarrassing to happen.’
Huriel rolled his eyes. ‘Oh, for the Ag’s sake, what kind of har do you think Malakess is? He can read signals, you know. Just go, Gesaril. Stop fretting about everything. If you don’t want to be with Malakess, fine, but there might be other hara there you like. One day you’re going to have to crawl out of that den you’ve built for yourself. You can’t remain alone for ever. It’s bad for you.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘I know so! Also, it will do you good to dress up and revel in your own loveliness for an evening. You never pay attention to how you look, and I can tell that’s not really in your nature.’
‘I haven’t got any suitable clothes, nothing formal, anyway.’
‘I’ll get you something.’
‘Huriel, no! You’ve done enough for me as it is.’ I don’t know why I bothered protesting, since it was obvious Huriel had already made up his mind.
And so, at my friend and mentor’s injunction, I have asked Ystayne to drop a note over to Malakess’s house saying that I am grateful for the invite and yes, I’d be delighted to accompany him to the Academy party. It has occurred to me that Malakess’s assistant should be the har to stand at his side at this important function. A wing of foreboding brushes my heart. How will this har feel when he finds out about my role in the proceedings? I can’t think about that. I’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t even desire Malakess. If hara want to make something more of it, then they can. I don’t care.
/> Aruhanisday, Ardourmoon 20
I feel as if I’m about to go through feybraiha again, or take a blood bond, or something. The household has been thrown into a flurry of the vapours at the prospect of my night out. Huriel ordered an assortment of clothes for me from Yorvik, Ystayne took me to the brother of a friend of his who trimmed my hair, (it was badly in need of attention, to be honest), while Rayzie insisted on spending nearly a whole day at the monthly fair with me, to buy bits of jewellery to go with my new clothes. I only need one set for the evening; it’s insane. It’s not as if I’ll be able to run off to the bathroom every half hour to change my costume. But Huriel seems to think that the function will open up an entire diary of social events for me, and that I’ll need a wardrobe for it. However, despite my initial exasperation, my friends’ behaviour is infectious and I’m starting to feel excited and nervous too. It is a big thing, far bigger than I’d thought. Phyle leaders from all over Alba Sulh will be at the event, as well as hara from Immanion and other tribes in Almagabra and surrounding countries.
Malakess has been conspicuously absent from the house for the past couple of weeks. At first, I thought this was to do with me, but Huriel told me it was because he’s immersed in arrangements for the event, as well as entertaining foreign hara who have already arrived in Kyme. Sometimes we see them in town; imposing hara in unusual clothes. Nohar has seen the Nagini yet, although they were supposed to have arrived two days ago. The party takes place tomorrow. This time tomorrow I will be getting ready for it.