an Occupy Genoa City movement. It doesn’t work: Maria Arena Bell is still occupying the fashion runways in Europe.
• Cane reveals another secret: he’s the chef who created the McRib!
• Michael Learned returns to the show as Katherine’s twin sister, Elizabeth.
• Lindsay Lohan joins the show as Cassie, who has returned back from the dead.
• Sofia dies when gorging on a doughnut.
• Nikki returns and Y&R becomes instantly watchable again.
• Deacon writes a book: The Modern Soap Fan’s Guide to Surviving Crappy Writing.
TOXIC SOAP SATIRE:
A Dummies Guide on How to Wreck a Show!
Douglas Marland, who? Uncensored has obtained the ABC memo to all its head writers — and producers — on how to wreck a show. Just call it the antithesis of Marland’s iconic How Not to Wreck a Show List!
1. Don’t watch the show; hate soap operas and its audience.
2. Destroy the history of the show one character and great, historic moment at a time. You would be surprised at how many destructive ideas you can get by reading a soap opera’s bible. A milestone abortion? Undo it! Anything is possible. Don’t limit yourself. The opportunities are endless.
3. Burn fan mail. Except for the negative letters. Whatever the audience is complaining about, continue to write their least favourite characters and storylines! Bonus: Not only do you ignore their faves, but you get to keep all the free crap fans send you — chocolates, etc — in their fan campaign. Can you say, “Best job ever?!”
4. As a network executive, hire people you know aren’t qualified to write or produce a show. We encourage hiring your wife, best friend or mistress! People who owe you a favour and their career really comes in handy when destroying a genre. Look at GH!
5. Don’t promote the show. At all. Keep the lazy, unimaginative PR hacks employed forever.
6. Fire anyone over 35, actors playing gay and anyone of colour. Oh, and if actresses have less than a D cup, they’re out, too.
7. Reinvent core characters into unrecognizable players. When the audience says, “He would never do that,” then you have succeeded.
8. Build new characters quickly as your back-burner fan faves. Everyone knows that it takes six seconds to a minute for an audience to care about a new character. Do not tie them existing characters. When in doubt, shove them down the viewers’ throats.
9. If you feel staff changes are in order, hire a friend, ex-lover or a spouse. If no one wants the shitty job, hire David Kreizman.
10. Fire people immediately — especially within six months. Dismantling a show as soon as possible is not only the right thing to do but its also the most moral and ethical.
11. Good soap opera is bad storytelling. It's very simple.
12. Fire anyone who has appeared on a lesbian web serial.
13. When in doubt, one word: rapemance.
SOAP WHISPERER:
This week’s hottest blind items
• Which soap character’s upcoming death is going to royally piss off fans?
• Which actress backstabbed her boss… only to suck up to him or her moments later?
• According to Raven Beauty, another GH superstar is thisclose to bolting! Guess who? My guess? Tony Geary!
IDIOT RATINGS: Oct. 24-28/11
Winner: B&B rises thanks to a story CBS killed! Discuss!
Loser: DAYS still struggling post-Crystal Chappell!
—Courtesy of SoapOperaNetwork.com (https://www.soapoperanetwork.com/ratings/ratings-all-soaps-up-in-women-18-49-demo)
Numbers are based on Live+Same Day ratings (Compared to Last Week/Compared to Last Year)
Total Viewers:
1. Y&R 4,467,000 (-12,000/-411,000)
2. B&B 3,180,000 (+113,000/+72,000)
3. OLTL 2,562,000 (-31,000/+217,0000)
4. GH 2,373,000 (+56,000/+91,000)
5. DAYS 2,351,000 (-42,000/-73,000)
Households:
1. Y&R 3.4/11 (+.1/same)
2. B&B 2.4/8 (+.1/+.2)
3. OLTL 1.9/6 (same/+.1)
4. GH 1.8/5 (same/+.1)
5. DAYS 1.7/6 (-.1/-.1)
Women 18-49 Viewers:
1. Y&R 943,000 (+37,000/-93,000)
2. OLTL 684,000 (+76,000/+55,000)
3. GH 679,000 (+82,000/-8,000)
4. B&B 636,000 (+53,000/-14,000)
5. DAYS 611,000 (+31,000/-59,000)
Women 18-49 Rating:
1. Y&R 1.5/9 (+.1/-.1)
2. OLTL 1.1/7 (+.2/+.1)
2. GH 1.1/6 (+.2/+.1)
4. DAYS 1.0/6 (+.1/same)
4. B&B 1.0/6 (+.1/same)
SOAP PORN: Next Week's Soapgasms
Can’t watch all the soaps this week? No worries — here’s a cheat sheet!
Top Shows to Watch:
1. One Life to Live, ABC
2. Dirty Soap, E!
3. Days of our Lives, NBC
Top Storylines to Watch:
1. Sami Has Sex With EJ, DAYS
2. Wedding Disaster, One Life
3. Alice’s Latest Secret, DAYS
Top Actresses to Watch:
1. Andrea Evans (Tina, One Life)
—tie—Tallulah (Little David Vickers, One Life)
3. Stacy Haiduk (Patty, Y&R)
4. Michael Learned (Kay, Y&R)
5. Alison Sweeney (Sami, DAYS)
Top Actors to Watch:
1. Matthew Ashford (Jack, DAYS)
2. Roger Howarth (Todd, One Life)
3. Michael Muhney (Adam, Y&R)
4. James Scott (EJ, DAYS)
5. Tony Geary (Luke, GH)
Top Young Actors To Watch:
1. Patrick Gibbons (Sam, One Life)
—tie— Chandler Massey (Will, DAYS)
2. Kate Mansi (Abby, DAYS)
—tie— Casey Deidrick (Chad, DAYS)
5. Andrew Trischitta (Jack, One Life)
Top Duos to Watch:
1. Tina and Cord, One Life
—tie— Viki and Clint, One Life
3. Sami and EJ, DAYS
4. Tucker and Ashley, Y&R
Top Couples to Fast-Forward Through:
1. Sonny and Kate, GH
2. Ethan and The Painting, GH
3. Liam and Steffy, B&B
Top Dream Couples:
1. Carly and Shawn, GH
2. Chad and Will, DAYS
3. Sharon and Avery, Y&R
Top New-ish Duos to Watch:
1. John and Roxy, One Life
2. Ford and Jessica, One Life
3. Thomas and Hope, B&B
—tie— Liz and Matt, GH
Top Newcomers:
1. Freddie Smith (Sonny, DAYS)
2. Sean Blakemore (Shawn, GH)
3. Neela Patel (Neela, One Life)
Top Rivals:
1. Fary Bjorlin and Brandon Beemer, Dirty Soap
2. Jack vs. “Scarface,” One Life
3. Adam vs. Victor, Y&R
Top Equations to Watch:
1. Daniel/Jen/Jack, DAYS
2. John/Natalie/Brody, One Life
3. Gen/Jack/Patty, Y&R
Top Tweeters:
1. Nadia Bjorlin: @RealNadiaB
—tie— Fary Bjorlin: @MamaBjorlin
3. Crystal Chappell: @crystalchappell
Top 3 Soap Magazine Covers (based on art direction):
1. CBS Soaps In Depth: Adam/Victoria/Nikki, Y&R
2. Soap Opera Digest: Y&R’s Nick/Avery/Phyllis
3. Soap Opera Weekly: Story Spoilers (B&B/DAYS/One Life/GH)
Top 3 Best Reads/Buys at the Newsstand:
1. Soap Opera Weekly
2. Soap Opera Digest
3. CBS Soaps In Depth
Top Episodes To Watch:
1. Thursday: DAYS’s Austin finds a clue to another Alice Horton secret! “Omigod: She was a fan of Otalia on GL!”
2. Friday: Tucker and Ashley’s wedding begins on Y&R. They decide to honeymoon in Sa
lem. “I hear the writing is much better over there at this time of the year,” Ash suggests.
3. Wednesday: GH’s Luke looks back at his involvement in Jake’s death. At a bar, natch. “Sometimes they do come back,” he says.
The next issue of Soap Opera: Uncensored will be out on Friday, November 18, 2011.
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