“I mean, geez, Maggie! I went with the stupid purple tie because you were so against the mud tie, and then you stand me up! I can’t believe this!”
When my eyes saw his back, he was kicking around the grass and muttering to himself.
Brooks.
When he turned to face me, any irritation he felt disappeared and was replaced with heavy intense concern. As I ran toward him, I tripped over my own feet and his arms reached out, catching me.
“Whoa, Maggie, what’s going on?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but all I heard in my head was the sound of the devil shushing me, pressing his skin against my skin, pressing his finger against my lips. Against my forehead. Against my earlobes. Against me. He was going to kill me.
There was a rustling behind us and I jumped, my eyes wide as I pushed myself against Brooks hard, clamoring for protection.
“Maggie, it’s fine. It’s just a squirrel. What freaked you out? What happened to you?” No words could leave me. My fingers grasped Brooks’ shirt, pulling him closer to me. He didn’t ask any questions, but he did hold me tight. “It’s okay, Maggie. You’re okay.”
I sobbed into his t-shirt, and he just held on tighter.
I blinked.
The lights were already bright, and the nurse kept shining her flashlight into my eyes. Into my nose. Into my ears. Into my mouth.
I blinked.
Daddy had tears in his eyes, but they weren’t falling. He leaned against the wall, his hand in a fist, his fist resting against his mouth, his mouth speaking no words.
Blink.
Mama cried when the nurse mentioned an SAK. I didn’t know what it was, but it made Mama sob.
Blink.
The nurse swabbed me all over. My lips, my cheeks, my thighs, my…
Blink.
She combed through my hair. Leaves fell out. She found blood. Daddy began to cry softly.
Blink.
She cut my dress and shook it out. There was dirt. My dress was dirty. I was dirty. Everywhere. My poppy was gone. Where had my poppy flower gone? She picked at my nails. My nail polish was ruined. My nails were ruined. I was ruined.
Blink.
They carried me to the car. I crawled into a ball. The streetlights flashed reds and greens. The yellows blurred. I saw his face in my mind.
Blink.
Calvin and Cheryl were on the porch when I got home. They didn’t speak. I didn’t either.
Blink.
Mama and Daddy took me to their bedroom, and I cried into their sheets, shaking, feeling dirty, broken, used. Scared. So scared.
Shh…
Shh…
Did the nurse get it? Did she get his taste on my lips? Did she get his skin on my skin? Did she…?
Blink.
I shut my eyes. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to blink anymore. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see, but, I still saw. I saw him. I felt him. I tasted him.
Everything grew darker.
Everything became shadows.
Everything went black.
Mama kept pacing around her and Daddy’s bedroom, twisting her hands. I sat on the edge of their mattress, listening to her high heels tap against the hardwood floor. The bed felt like sitting on a pile of a million feathers, and it was almost impossible to not melt into the softness. I felt tired, too, so it was a bad combination. My eyes fought to stay open, though lately dreams seemed better than staying awake. The only problem with dreams was that sometimes they became nightmares, and nightmares were what I’d been drowning in lately.
“You haven’t spoken in days, Maggie May,” Mama scolded. “Not one single word. Your father and I are terrified.” Her butterscotch-colored hair hung past her shoulders, and she kept combing it behind her ears. When she wasn’t moving her hair, her manicured nails danced against her forearms, digging into her skin. Worry attacked her spirit as she kept a quick pace. I wished Daddy were home and not off at work. He was normally able to keep Mama from having her panics.
“What happened out there, Maggie?” she asked. “What were you doing out in those woods? Your father and I told you… We asked you not to wander off.”
My fingers dug into the side of the mattress and my head stayed lowered.
“It was past your curfew,” she whispered, a tremble in her voice. “And I begged you to be home when the streetlights came on, didn’t I?” She began to stutter, which was weird because Mama was always so composed and well-spoken. “I to-told you yo-you shouldn’t be out at night, Maggie May.”
My lips parted to speak again, but no words came out. Mama turned my way and bit her bottom lip. Her arms crossed and she tucked her hands beneath her underarms before walking in my direction. I broke my stare away from her. “Look at me, Maggie,” she ordered.
I shook my head.
A few tears fell down my cheeks and my body shook.
“Maggie May, when I tell you to look at me, you must listen!” Her voice was laced with panic, almost as if she was fearful that her little girl was gone and would never come back.
Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’d fallen so deep into the back of my mind that I’d never have to remember what it was like to feel, to hurt, to break, to breathe. My eyes hurt from being awake for so long, but that hurt was nowhere near the ache in my chest. In my ears, I could still hear the screams of the person being attacked. In my head, I could still see her fighting for her life, and in my heart, I could still feel the monster against my soul.
A few tears fell down my cheeks and my body shook.
“Oh, honey,” Mama cried. Her fingers slipped beneath my chin and she tilted my head up. “Word by word, tell me what happened. What happened to you in those woods?”
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Calvin and Brooks in the hallway, listening in on the conversation between Mama and me. They were leaning against the wall, staring at us. Brooks’ eyes looked sadder than I thought eyes could’ve ever looked. Calvin’s fingers were folded tightly into fists, which he tapped repeatedly against the wall behind him. Mama followed my stare, and when she saw the boys, they hurried away. I was certain they hadn’t gone far, though. Those two boys hadn’t left my side for the past few days.
Cheryl was the opposite, though. She seemed afraid to come near me. She acted as if I had some kind of disease and she’d catch it if she looked my way. I had heard her crying the other night because she had to miss her dance recital. It was my fault, because our parents didn’t want to leave my side.
“Maggie May,” Mama whispered.
I turned my head away from her, and she sighed once more.
“Please, Maggie. Speak. I don’t know how to help you if you won’t tell me what happened.” She kept begging and begging me to say something to her, but I couldn’t. My throat was dry. I needed ice water, maybe. I needed something to loosen me up, something to make words fly from between my lips, but I couldn’t move. “I don’t understand! I don’t understand why you won’t speak to me. You need to tell me, baby, because my mind is thinking the worst things. Did someone hurt you? Did someone…” She couldn’t say the words, but I knew what she was asking me. “You just tell me what happened, even if someone hurt you, honey. I won’t judge you, I swear. Mama just wants to know if someone hurt you.” She swallowed hard. “You can nod your head if someone hurt you, honey. You can tell me,” she whispered. “Remember when we spoke about being safe? And how people weren’t allowed to touch you, and if they did, you’d have to tell your father and me? Did that happen? I mean, I know the doctors checked, but those tests…they take time. Did somebody…” Her words faltered once more.
I lowered my head. The stranger hadn’t physically raped me, and I knew that was what she was asking. Even so, truth be told, he had raped me in almost every other way possible. He had raped my innocence.
My youth.
My voice.
He had stolen so much of me away when I’d witnessed his act of horror and when he’d tried to end me.
He had stolen so much of my soul.
I shook my head no for Mama, though. He hadn’t physically raped me.
Mama let out a sigh of relief before she broke down into uncontrollable sobs. Her hands covered her face as she violently shook, and her words were tough to understand. “Why won’t you speak?” she asked.
Because I have nothing left to say.
“I think that’s enough for now, Katie,” a voice said.
I looked up to see Daddy standing in the doorway, staring at Mama and me. He must’ve come home early from work to take care of her. Mama always did better when he was around.
She walked over to him, and within seconds, Daddy’s arms were wrapped around her tiny frame. He whispered something into her ear, and it seemed to be the right words, because Mama’s crying came to a halt, and she nodded in agreement with Daddy’s soft voice.
After a few minutes, she said she needed air and headed out of the room.
Daddy stepped over to me, kneeled down, and gave me his best crooked smile. “Maggie May?”
Yes, Daddy?
“The world keeps spinning because your heartbeats exist,” he promised. His nose brushed against mine, giving me his Eskimo kisses. “And everything’s gonna be okay. You know why?”
I shook my head, and he continued.
“Because none of us are ever alone. You’ve got a family that loves you and will be there for you always. Okay, sport?”
Okay, Daddy.
He smiled as if he heard the words I didn’t say. “How about we go out for some frozen yogurt later tonight? I think it will be good for us to get out and about. What do you say?”
Yes.
He smiled wider, as if he understood me again.
Maybe parents always knew the things their kids were thinking. Maybe it was some kind of sixth sense. I was thankful for Daddy’s superpowers.
He went off to check on Mama, and I stayed in their room, sitting against the mattress made of feathers, and I began to allow myself to sink into the softness. I lay back, my legs dangling from the edge of the bed, and I closed my eyes. Lately my ears were more aware of every noise that came near me, from the wind slapping against the apple trees in the backyard, to the fly buzzing around in the bathroom down the hall.
My eyes shot open before words even left Brooks’ mouth. I heard his soft footsteps coming my way. Calvin’s steps were always heavy, as if he put his full weight into every step, but Brooks’ were much more gentle, almost as if he tiptoed across the floors. I wondered if his steps were always like that, or if he had adopted the gentle movements the past few days. I would’ve been lying if I’d said I’d ever noticed the sounds of his footsteps before. I wondered how many things people missed when they were busy talking too much.
“Are you okay, Maggie?” he asked, standing in the doorway. I didn’t sit up, but my head tilted in his direction. When we met one another’s stare, his chest caved and his shoulders rounded. His hands were stuffed tightly into his jeans. “Calvin and your pops are outside checking on your mom. She asked me to go home, and I told her I would, but I couldn’t without stopping by to see you, to see if there’s anything I can do.”
I shrugged. He frowned.
“Can I come in?” he questioned.
I nodded. He frowned some more.
Brooks sat on the bed before lowering himself down to lie beside me. My head was still tilted toward him, and his was now facing me. “Your mom said you’re not speaking. She said you have nothin’ to say, but I think that’s a lie. I think you have a lot to say, but you don’t know how to say it.”
A single tear fell down my cheek, and I turned in the other direction to avoid him seeing me cry. He still witnessed the single tear. I kept the rest running down my face to myself and Mama’s pillow.
He quietly spoke. “It’s my fault, you know. I was supposed to meet you in the woods for our rehearsal, but I was wastin’ too much time trying to pick out a tie you’d like. I know you probably thought I was standing you up, but I wasn’t, Maggie May. I swear I was gonna come meet you, and when I got out there, you weren’t anywhere to be found. I’m so sorry.”
More tears fell from my eyes as I listened to Brooks sniffle.
He continued talking. “I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
We stayed there for a few more minutes. Tears kept falling from my eyes, and he didn’t try to convince me to stop crying. It might’ve been my imagination, but I thought Brooks cried right beside me for a little bit.
“Who’s up for some ice cream?” Daddy said, barging into his bedroom, the room Brooks and I hadn’t left. I didn’t know when it had happened, but at some point, Brooks and I had started holding hands, and I hadn’t found the power to pull away from his grip yet.
We both sat up, and Brooks quickly pulled his hand from mine. “I’d love some ice cream!” he bellowed.
Mama came and frowned behind Daddy. “Brooks, you haven’t been home in a while. Maybe you should head back. We probably need a bit of family time alone if that’s all right.” She didn’t mean to be rude, but I could tell Brooks’ feelings were a little hurt by the way he smiled.
Most people probably thought it was a normal smile, but I knew it was the smile he gave when he was a bit embarrassed.
“Sure, Mrs. Riley. Sorry. I’ll get going.” He turned to me and gave me a lopsided grin. “You okay today, Maggie May?” Since the incident, he’d been asking me that each day. I nodded slowly.
I’m okay, Brooks.
He stood up from the bed and started to walk out of the bedroom, but Daddy cleared his throat. “I think it might be okay for Brooks to join us for a bit of ice cream.”
“Eric,” Mama protested, but Daddy placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“That is, only if Maggie thinks it’s okay,” he finished, looking at me.
Brooks’ eyes shot up to me, filled with hope, and there was no way I could say no to him. He listened to my silence, after all. After I agreed, we all put on our shoes and headed to the front of the house. As everyone walked outside, I paused in the doorway.
My mind grew panicked and my chest tightened. What if he was still out there? What if he was waiting for me? What if he was waiting to hurt me? Or was hurting someone else, or…?
“Maggie,” Mama said, staring my way. She raised an eyebrow. “Come on, honey.”
I tried my best to step out of the house. I tried my best to move forward, but the panic was overwhelming. Each time my mind told me to move forward, I somehow stepped backward.
“What are you doing?” Calvin asked, looking at me as if I’d lost my mind.
Everyone was staring at me like that.
Had I?
Had I lost my mind?
I can hear him shushing me, I thought to myself. He can see me. He can hurt me.
I stepped backward farther and farther, and I ran into a wall, which made me jump with fright. I couldn’t go outside. It wasn’t safe out there. I knew it wasn’t, and all I ever wanted to feel was safe.
The world was scary, and I had more fear than strength lately.
“Come on, Maggie,” Cheryl groaned. “You’re ruining it for all of us.”
Mama pinched Cheryl’s arm. “Knock it off, Cheryl Rae!”
She was right, though. I was ruining it for everyone. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I backed up another step and before I knew it, my feet took off, running back to my parents’ bedroom. It was the safest place I knew, and I wasn’t sure how to leave. Crawling under their blankets, my body shook violently. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t shut out all the noises in my head. I couldn’t shut off my brain.
When the blankets moved, I gripped the edges, fighting to keep him out. He found me, he found me.
Relief rushed through me as I met Daddy’s eyes. My stare was wide and panicked, and I could almost feel the worry dancing off his skin. He climbed under the blankets and sat beside me. I couldn’t stop trembling.
Shh…
Shhh…
/>
The devil’s sounds poisoned my memories. Every thought I had was followed by the memory of his shushing noises attached to them. I couldn’t leave the house. If I did, he’d see me. I couldn’t speak. If I did, he’d hear me.
“We’ll figure this out, Maggie,” Daddy said, wrapping me into his arms. “No matter what, we’re gonna fix this.”
It was the first time Daddy had ever lied to me.
When he stood up to go speak to Mama in the hallway, I pulled the covers tighter around me. I couldn’t stop my trembles from taking over as I listened to Mama speak her deepest fears. “What if she never comes back from this? What if she’ll never be herself again? What will people think? What will people say?”
“Since when do we care what people say?”
“Always, Eric. We always care what people think of us.”
It was the first time I’d ever felt a crack in the foundation of my parents’ love.
And it was all because of me.
“Stupid mud tie. Stupid purple tie. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I muttered, tossing all the ties into my top dresser drawer. I hated ties, because they had made me late. I hated myself for being the reason Maggie had been alone in the woods.
As I pushed to close my dresser drawer, I grew angrier and angrier again when it wouldn’t shut due to being too full. “UGH!” I hollered, slamming my fist against it. “I hate you! I hate you!” I kicked the dresser hard, which only led to me limping and rubbing my toe.
“Everything okay, Brooks?” Mom asked, walking in with concerned eyes. She was already dressed in her scrubs to go to work at the hospital, where she was a nurse, and the way she glanced down at her watch told me she was running behind.
“I’m fine,” I huffed, hobbling over to my bed and sitting before rubbing my toes some more.
She walked over to me and placed the back of her hand to my forehead. “What’s wrong, babe?”