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We sat outside under the garden gazebo for breakfast. The sun streamed down and saturated the air with heaven sent golden orbs of energy. Ben kept his eyes on me. I squirmed in the uncomfortableness of my self-consciousness in his presence and looked away from him.
‘Your eyes light up when you look at the garden,’ he said. ‘I love you, Cate.’ His voice cracked.
I was certain that he was waiting for me to tell him that I loved him too, but I wasn’t ready yet. There was absolutely no doubt that I loved him, and was in love with him, deeply, but … I just couldn’t tell him…
After breakfast, Ben followed me around the garden while I jibber-jabbered about the plants and the flowers—except for the forget-me-knots. He looked into my eyes, and smiled as I explained things, but said nothing.
I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted him to like what I had done in his absence.
He walked away from me and stood on the sidewalk before Katie’s Gate. He looked towards the house like he was taking a mental photograph of what he saw.
The black wrought iron gate creaked when he opened and closed it before he walked along the rose garden path to the flower garden before the house. He waited for a moment before he turned to face me from afar.
‘Maison et le jardin de, Cate!’ he declared, with an elegant twirl of his hand. ‘It is French for Cate’s house and garden!’
I smiled and ran at him. His eyes widened as he watched me approach him at full speed. He planted his feet and braced for impact. But I still knocked him to the ground as I had intended.
I rolled on top of him and placed my head against his heart. His chest rose and fell as he took a deep breath. I lifted my head and smiled at him before I became lost in his darkening cerulean eyes.
Ben took another deep breath and ran the back of his fingers down my cheek. He rolled me over onto the lush green grass so I was now partly under him. I inhaled his spicy scent.
He looked at my lips and moved his face closer to mine. I felt the pull of my deep love for him as our lips touched. Our kiss lingered and filled me with a sensual warmth that reached every part of my being. I had to pull away from him before I became lost in his love.
I placed my hands onto his chest and pushed him away, stood up and walked away from him. I went and stood under the old oak tree and looked back at him—the sun to my lavender rose heart.
Why was it so hard for me to tell him of my love?
He sat up, stretched his fingers and casually draped his hands around his bent knees. He tilted his head forward like he was disappointed, or frustrated maybe.
I wasn’t being fair to him. I was deeply in love with him … I had to tell him how I felt before it was too late, before he would seek the words from another…
My stomach churned. It wasn’t as though I was declaring my love without ever knowing for sure that he loved me as well—like in the movies when someone declared their love, and the other didn’t reciprocate. Ben and I weren’t like that at all.
Except … to be truthful, we were. He had been telling me for more than a year that he loved me, and I had never said the words back to him.
I dropped my eyes to the grass and walked towards him, blinking rapidly to control the fluttery feeling in my stomach.
Should I be this nervous? It didn’t make sense.
But … I truly loved him with all of my heart.
He remained still as I approached him from behind. Even in my silence he always, without fail, knew I was near. Normally he would move his head to the side and smile. But he didn’t this time. And I didn’t like it.
I knelt down behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He sighed, amplifying my anxiety.
I swallowed. ‘I love you,’ I whispered against his skin.
His shoulders sagged.
His reaction set off an alarm inside of me. I walked around and knelt in front of him, desperate for a response of any kind.
He kept his eyes closed in silence.
Panic rose in the pit of my stomach. I had just found my deep courage to tell him that I loved him … and he didn’t say a word … he didn’t even look at me.
Is this what he felt every time he had told me that he loved me?
I wanted to run … far away.
I held back tears as my lavender rose heart started to drop its petals and break. My breaths came in shallow gasps as panic rose from my stomach and spread throughout me.
He reached up to my arm and kissed it, then opened his eyes. They were filled with sadness.
‘Cate…’ His voice was choked.
I knew what was coming next. He would say that we needed to have a break from each other.
‘Cate … I … We,’ he added. And then he stood and walked away from me.
I remained kneeling where I was on the grass, staring ahead.
I closed my eyes when they started to burn. I didn’t want to open them to the reality that I had no idea what was going on with Ben, what was going on with us…