Chapter Five - A Buzz Full of Fireflies
The cell phone in my hand rang again – just before I almost put it up to my ear and answered.
What in blue blazes was I thinking?
I don’t know how he’d done it but old Captain Albino had almost had me hypnotized into doing exactly what he told me to.
I’m talking deer-in-the-headlights-dumb.
So I lowered the phone.
I kept my eyes focused away from it.
Away from Captain Albino, too.
I opened my mouth and swallowed in as much air as I could manage.
The phone rang again.
“Why don’t you answer that?” Captain Albino repeated. “Surely you’re not afraid of a tiny little cell phone?”
“Not me,” I said, using those two words to swallow down another mouthful of air. “Cell phones don’t scare me one bit at all.”
Another swallow.
Another ring.
I looked down at the cell phone and then I smiled just a little – like I was thinking about answering it.
“Briar!” Jemmy protested.
Captain Albino smiled back at me - like I had just given him the nicest present in the world.
“Master Briar,” he said. “So good to know your name.”
Nice one, Jemmy.
The phone rang again.
I threw the cell phone directly at Captain Albino’s feet. It bounced and it skittered and spun a little and then came to a halt.
“Probably just a telemarketer,” I said. “somebody wanting me to do a survey on how many times I swallow air before I have to burp.”
And then I swallowed that last bit of air before forcing my lungs and stomach to perform that double-flip maneuver that I had practiced so long in my bathroom at home – and I burped just as loudly as I could – directly into Captain Albino’s face.
His skin tone turned a paler shade of white. I could see the corner of one eye twitched just a little and his lips thinned out and tightened.
I guess nobody likes being burped at, face first.
“That wasn’t very nice of you, Master Briar.” Captain Albino said.
I was getting awfully tired of hearing my name coming out of Captain Albino’s mouth.
“I’m just feeling a little pressured, is all.” I explained. “Things get all pent up and they have to burst loose is all.”
I would have given a million dollars to fart, right then and there.
“And why is that?” Captain Albino asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “It might have something to do with all of those assault rifles that your stormtrooper soldiers are carrying around with them. That’s awfully heavy armament for entering a high school, don’t you think – or are you expecting a surprise pop quiz?”
Captain Albino gave me a look like he thought that I actually had discretely farted and he didn’t like the smell of it one bit at all.
“These men aren’t with me,” he carefully explained. “They don’t work for me. They’re assisting me, is all. I’m with the government. You boys know what the government is, don’t you? We’re doing a study, is all – and your school is going to help us with it.”
I took a quick look at Principal Feltspur.
Principal Feltspur was smiling but it was the kind of smile that said that he didn’t particularly care for the taste of something that he was chewing on behind that smile.
Old Man Jenkins was just standing there and staring at his feet.
The two of them looked like they knew some sort of a secret story and were ashamed to play even the slightest part in the telling of it.
“That’s funny,” Jemmy said. “I don’t remember any letter being sent home to my Mom and Dad. Maybe I ought to go home first and ask them if they give permission for me to take part in an important government study.”
Some of the other kids heard what Jemmy had said and they were starting to nod and talk amongst themselves.
Which is always dangerous – as far as adults are concerned.
“Quiet,” Captain Albino said.
Quiet, quiet, quiet the Black Masks echoed.
And suddenly everybody was.
Except me.
“I think Jemmy is right,” I said. “We ought to go on home.”
Captain Albino’s half-of-a-smile almost slid off of his face and fell on the floor.
I had the feeling that half-of-a-smile might have crawled away or maybe bit somebody on the ankle after it had fallen on the floor.
“Oh, I don’t think that going home is really necessary,” Captain Albino said. “There’s no need for it at all.”
I figured that.
“Well maybe I feel the need,” I replied. “Maybe I’m figuring on going home for a hot lunch as well. Mom is making macaroni and cheese and I think she’s even figuring on throwing in some hot dog wieners. I’d sure hate to miss out on that.”
The half-smile stayed put but Captain Albino’s pale cold eyes frosted over.
“Sergeant?” he softly called out to one of the stormtrooper soldiers.
I don’t know how that stormtrooper heard old Captain Albino, what with him wearing those big industrial-sized headphones like he was – but the stormtrooper sergeant turned smartly, like a dog at the sound of a rattling food dish.
He turned like he knew what he was doing but I was pretty certain that he was almost as afraid of Captain Albino as I was.
“Yes sir?”
“I think we can safely contain these students in the gymnasium, don’t you?”
That was the word that he used.
Contained - like we were nothing more than a buzz full of fireflies jammed into an emptied out pickle jar.
Contain. Contain. Contain.
“Yes sir.”
Captain Albino turned and fixed me with a stare that made me feel a little like a bug under a microscope lens awaiting dissection. He came just as close to a smile as I had seen his lips move since he had first stepped into our classroom.
Maybe practice made perfect.
“Lunch is cancelled,” Captain Albino said. “I’m afraid I’ve made other plans for you children.”
He looked me over like he was sizing me up for his mother’s favorite pot roast recipe.
Assuming he even had a mother.
“Fine,” I said. “I wasn’t that hungry anyway.”
I really was hungry – but I wasn’t going to let him know that.
It was the principal of the thing.