“All right,” I said, “but can I tell you this: something is happening inside me which I choose to call sorry?”
“You can say it, but you don’t know.” Then, snatching her hand from under my hand, “Oh, you start to feel sorry or glad or something but it just doesn’t come to anything.”
“You mean like a little green apple that’s got a worm in it and falls off the tree before it ever gets ripe?”
She laughed, and answered, “Yes, like little green apples with worms in them.”
“Well,” I said, “Here’s a little green apple with a worm in it: I’m sorry.”
I was sorry, or what went for sorry in my lexicon. I was sorry that I had ruined the evening. But candor compelled me to admit that there hadn’t been much of an evening to ruin.
I didn’t ask her to go to dinner with me again, at least not that time while I was out of a job and doing the sleeping. I had hunted up Adam and heard him play the piano. And I had sat across the spaghetti and the Dado red and looked at Anne Stanton. And as a result of what Anne said to me, I had gone down to the slums and seen the old man, not the very tall man who had once been stocky but whose face now dropped in puffy gray folds beneath the gray hair, with the steel-rimmed spectacles hanging on the end of the nose, and whose shoulders, thin now and snowed with dandruff, sagged down as with the pull of the apparently disjunctive, careful belly which made the vest of his black suit pop up above the belt and the slack-hanging pants. And in every case I had found what I had known I was going to find, because they had happened and nothing was going to change what had happened. I had been sinking down in the sleep like a drowning man in water, and they had flashed across my eyes again the way people say the past flashes across the eyes of the drowning man.
Well, I could go back to sleep now. Till my cash ran out, anyway. I could be Rip Van Winkle. Only I thought that the Rip Van Winkle story was all wrong. You went to sleep for a long time, and when you woke up nothing whatsoever had changed. No matter how long you slept, it was the same.
But I didn’t get to do much sleeping. I got a job. Or rather, the job got me. The telephone got me out of bed one morning. It was Sadie Burke, who said, “Get down here to the Capitol at ten o’clock. The Boss wants to see you.”
“The who?” I said.
“The Boss,” she said, “Willie Stark, Governor Stark, or don’t you read the papers?”
“No, but somebody told me in the barbershop.”
“It’s true,” she said, “and the Boss said for you to get down here at ten.” And she hung up the phone.
Well, I said to myself, maybe things do change while you sleep. But I didn’t believe it then, and didn’t really believe it when I went into the big room with the black oak paneling and padded across the long red carpet under the eyes of all genuine oil paintings of all the bewhiskered old men toward the man who wasn’t very old and wasn’t bewhiskered and who sat behind a desk in front of the high windows and who got up as I approached. Hell_, I thought, it’s just Willie_.
It was just Willie, even though he was wearing something different from the country blue serge he had had on back at Upton. But he just had the thing flung on him anyhow, with his tie loose and to one side and the collar unbuttoned. And his hair hung down over his forehead, the way it used to. I thought for a second that maybe the meaty lips were laid together firmer than they used to be, but before I could be sure, he was grinning and had come around to the front of the desk. So I thought again it was just Willie.
He put out his hand, and said, “Hello, Jack.”
“Congratulations,” I said.
“I hear they fired you.”
“You heard wrong,” I said. “I quit.”
“You were smart,” he said, “because when I get through with that outfit they wouldn’t be able to pay you. They won’t be able to pay the nigger washes the spittoons.”
“That will suit me,” I allowed.
“Want a job?” he asked.
“I’d consider a proposition.”
“Three hundred a month,” he said, “and traveling expenses. When you travel.”
“Who do I work for? The state?
“Hell, no. Me.”
“It looks like you’d be working for me,” I said. “This Governorship doesn’t pay but five thousand.”
“All right,” he said, and laughed, “I’ll be working for you then.”
Then I recollected how he’d done right well in his law practice.
“I’ll give it a try,” I said.
“Fine,” he said. Then, “Lucy’s wanting to see you. Come to dinner tomorrow night at the house.”
“You mean the Mansion?”
“What the hell you think I mean? A tourist home? A boarding house? Sure, the Mansion.”
Yes, the Mansion. He was going to treat me just like old times and take me home to dinner and introduce me to the pretty woman and the healthy kid.
“Boy,” he was saying, “we sure do rattle around in that place, Lucy and Tom and me.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked him.
“Eat,” he said. “Come at six-thirty and eat hearty. Call up Lucy and tell her what you want to eat.”
“I mean, what do I do for the job?”
“Hell, I don’t know,” he said. “Something will turn up.”
He was right about that.
Chapter Three
It was always the same way when I came home and saw my mother. I would be surprised that it was the way it was but I knew at the same time that I had know it would be this way. I would come home with the firm conviction that she didn’t really care a thing about me, that I was just another man whom she wanted to have around because she was the kind of woman who had to have men around and had to make them dance to her tune. But as soon as I saw her I would forget all that. Sometimes I forgot it even before I saw her. Anyway, when I forgot it, I would wander why we couldn’t get along. I would wonder even though I knew what would happen, even though I would always know that the scene into which I was about to step and in which I was about to say the words I would say, had happened before, or had never stopped happening, and that I would always just be entering the wide, white, high-ceiling hall to see across the distance of the floor, with gleamed like dark ice, my mother, who stood in a doorway, beyond her the flicker of firelight in the shadowy room, and smiled at me with a sudden and innocent happiness, like a girl. The she would come toward me, with a brittle, excited clatter of heels and a quick, throaty laugh, and stop before me and seize a little bunch of my coat between the thumb and forefinger of each hand, in a way that was childlike and both weak and demanding, and lift her face up to me, turning it somewhat to one side so that I could put the expected kiss upon her cheek. The texture of her cheek would be firm and smooth, quite cool, and I would breathe the scent which she always used, and as I kissed her I would see the plucked accuracy of the eyebrow, the delicate lines at the corner of the eye toward me, and note the crinkled, silky, shadowed texture of the eyelid, which would flicker sharply over the blue eye. The eye, very slightly protruding, would be fixed on some point beyond me.
That was the way it had always been–when I had come home from school, when I had come back from camps, when I had come back from college, when I had come back from jobs–and that was the way it was that late rainy afternoon, on the borderline between winter ands spring, back in 1933, when I came back home again, after not coming home for a long time. It had been six or eight months since my last visit. That time we had had a row about my working for Governor Stark. We always sooner or later got into a row about something, and in the two and a half years that I had been working for Willie it usually in the end came round to Willie. And if his name wasn’t even mentioned, he stood there like a shadow behind us. Not that it mattered much what we rowed about. There was a shadow taller and darker than the shadow of Willie standing behind us. But I always came back, and I had come back this time. I would find myself drawn back. It was that way, and, as always, it seemed to b
e a fresh start, a wiping out of all the things which I knew could not be wiped out.
“Leave the bags in your car,” she said, “the boy will get them.” And she drew me toward the open door of the living room, where the firelight was, and down the length of the room to the long couch. I saw the bowl of ice, the siphon of soda, the Scotch on the glass-topped table, all the item sparkling in the firelight.
“Sit down,” she said, “sit down, Son,” and put the fingers of her right hand against my chest to give a little shove. It wasn’t much of a shove, it didn’t put me off my balance, but I sat down, and sank back into the couch. I watched her mix me a drink, and then a sort of excuse of a drink for herself, for she never took much. She held the glass out to me, and laughed that quick, throaty laugh again. “Take it,” she said, and her face seemed to proclaim that she was offering me something which was absolutely special, something which was so precious that it couldn’t be tied on God’s green globe.
There’s a lot of likker in the world, even Scotch, but I took it and gave a pull, feeling too that it was something special.
She sank down on the couch with an easy motion, vaguely suggestive of a flutter and preening as when a bird touches a bough, and took a sip, and lifted her head as if to let the liquor trickle into her throat. She had drawn one leg up beneath her and the other hung over with the sharp tip of the gray suède pump stretched forward to just touch the floor, with the precision of a dancer. She turned cleanly from the erect waist to look straight at me, twisting the gray cloth of the dress. The firelight defined her small, poised features, one side bright, one side in shadow, and emphasized the slight, famished, haunting hollow beneath the cheekbones (I always figured, after I got old enough to do any kind of figuring, that it was that–the hollow beneath the cheekbone–that got them) and the careful swooping lift of her piled-up hair. Her hair was yellowish, like metal, with gray in it now, but the gray was metallic, too, like spun metal woven and coiled into the yellow. It looked as though that was the way it had been intended from the very first to be, and a damned expensive job. Every detail.
I looked at her and thought: Well, she’s pushing fifty-five but I’ll hand it to her_. And suddenly seemed to stretch back forever. But I had to hand it to her.
She kept on looking at me, not saying anything, with that look which always said, “You’ve got something I want, something I need, something I’ve got to have,” and said, too, “I’ve got something for you, I won’t tell you what, not yet, but I’ve got something for you, too,” The hollow in the cheeks: the hungry business. The glittering eyes: the promising business. And both at the same time. It was quite a trick.
I took the last of the drink, and held the glass in my hand. She reached out and took it, still watching me, and reached out to set it on the little table. Then she said, “Oh, Son, you look tired.”
“I’m not,” I said, and felt the stubbornness in me.
“You are,” she said, and took me by the sleeve of the forearm and drew me toward her. I didn’t come at first. I just let her pull the arm. She didn’t pull hard, but she kept on looking straight at me.
I let myself go, and keeled over toward her. I lay on my back, with my head on her lap, the way I had known I would do. She let her left hand lie on my chest, the thumb and forefinger holding, and revolving back and forth, a button on y shirt, and her right hand on my forehead. Her hands were always cool. It was one of the first things I remembered ever knowing.
For a long time she didn’t talk any. She just moved the hand over my eyes and forehead. I had known how it would be, and knew how it had been before and how it would be after. But she had the trick of making a little island right in the middle of time, and of you knowing, which is what time does to you.
Then she said, “You’re tired, Son.”
Well, I wasn’t tired, but I wasn’t not tired, either, and tiredness didn’t have anything to do with the way things were.
Then, after a while, “Are you working hard, Son?”
I said, “So-so, I reckon.”
Then, after another while, “Tan–the man you work for–”
“What about it?” I said. The hand stopped on my forehead, and I knew it was my voice that stopped it.
“Nothing,” she said. “Only you don’t have to work for that man. Theodore could get you a–”
“I don’t want any job Theodore would get for me,” I said, and tried to heave myself up, but have you ever tried to heave yourself up when you’re flat on your back on a deep couched and somebody has a hand on your forehead?
She held her hand firm on my forehead and leaned over and said, “Don’t now, don’t. Theodore is my husband, he’s your stepfather, don’t talk that way, he’d like–”
“Look here,” I said, “I told you I–”
But she said, “Hush, Son, hush,” and put her hand over my eyes, and began to move it again upward over my forehead.
She didn’t say anything else. But she had already said what she had said, and she had to start the island trick all over again. Perhaps she had said it just so she could start over again, just to prove she could do it. Anyway, she did it, all over again, and it worked.
Until the front door banged, and there were steps in the hall. I knew that it was Theodore Murrell, and started to heave up again. But even now, just for the last instant, she pressed her palm down on my forehead, and didn’t let go until the sound of Theodore’s steps had entered the room.
I got to my feet, feeling my coat crawling up around my neck and my tie under one ear, and looked across at Theodore, who had a beautiful blond mustache and apple cheeks and pale hair laid like taffy on a round skull and a hint of dignity at the belly (bend over, you bastard, bend over one hundred times every morning and touch the floor, you bastard, or Mrs. Murrell won’t like you, and then where would you be?) and a slightly adenoidal lisp, like too much hot porridge, when he opened the aperture under the beautiful blond mustache.
My mother approached him with that bright stride and her shoulders well back, and stopped right before the Young Executive. The Young Executive put his right arm about her shoulder, and kissed her with the aperture under the beautiful blond mustache, and she seized him by the sleeve and drew him over toward me, and he said, “Well, well, old boy, it’s fine to see you. How’s trick, how’s the old politician?”
“Fine,” I said, “but I’m not a politician, I’m a hired hand.”
“Oho,” he said, “don’t try to kid me. They say you and the Governor are just like this.” And he held up two not thin, very clean, perfectly manicured fingers for me to admire.
“You don’t know the Governor,” I replied, “for the only thing the Governor is just like this with–” and I held up two not very clean and quite imperfectly manicured fingers–”is the Governor, and now and then God-Almighty when he needs somebody to hold the hog while he cuts its throat.”
“Well, the way he’s going–” Theodore began.
“Sit down, you all,” my mother told us, and we sat down, and took the glasses she handed us. She turned on a light.
I leaned back in my chair, and said “Yes” and said “No,” and looked down the long room, which I knew better than any room in the world and which I always came back to, no matter what I said. I noticed that there was a new piece in it. A tall Sheraton break-front desk, in the place where the kidney desk had been. Well, the kidney desk would be in the attic now, in the second-string museum, while we sat in the first-string museum and while Bowman and Heatherford, Ltd., London, wrote a large figure in the black column of the ledger. There was always a change in the room. When I came home I’d always look around and wonder what it would be, for there had been a long procession of choice examples through that room, spinets, desks, tables, chairs, each more choice that the last, each in turn finding its way to the attic to make way for a new perfection. Well, the room had come a long way from the way I first remembered it, moving toward some ideal perfection which was in my mother’s head, or in the
head of a dealer in New Orleans, or New York, or London, and maybe, just before she died, the room would achieve its ideal perfection, and she would sit in it, a trim old lady, with piled-up white hair, and silky skin sagging off a fine jawbone, and blue eyes blinking rapidly, and would take a cup of tea to celebrate the ideal.
The furniture changed, but the people in it changed too. Way back, there had been the thick-set, strong man, not tall, with a shock of tangled black hair on his head and steel-rimmed glasses on his nose and a habit of buttoning his vest up wrong, and a big gold watch-chain, which I liked to pull at. Then he wasn’t there, and my mother pressed my head against her breast and said, “Your Daddy isn’t coming back any more, Son.”
“Why did he go away?”
“Because he didn’t love Mother. That’s why he went away.”
“I love you, Mother,” I said, “I’ll love you always.”
“Yes, Son, yes, you love your mother,” she said, and held me tight against her breast.
So the Scholarly Attorney was gone. I was about six years old then.
Then there was the Tycoon, who was gaunt and bald and wheezed on the stair. “Why does Daddy Ross puff going upstairs?” I said.
“Hush,” my mother said, “hush, Son.”
“Why, Mother?”
“Because Daddy Ross isn’t well, Son.”
Then The Tycoon was dead. He had not lasted long.
So my mother put me in a school in Connecticut and left me to go across the ocean. When she came back there was another man, who was tall and slender and wore white suits and smoked long thin cigars, and had a thin black mustache. He was the Count, and my mother was a Countess. The Count sat in the room with people and smiled a great deal and didn’t say much. People looked sideways at him, but he looked straight at them and smiled to show the whitest teeth in the world under the thin, accurate black mustache. When nobody was there he played the piano all day, and then went out wearing black boots and tight white trousers and rode a horse and made it jump over gates and gallop along the beach till its sides were flecked with lather and were pumping fit to die. The Count came into the house and drank wis-kee_ and held a Persian cat on his knee and stroked it with a hand which was not big but which was so strong that he could make men frown when he shook hands with them. And once I saw four blue-black parallel marks on my mother’s upper right arm. “Mother,” I said, “look! What happened?”